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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pragmatic vs hot-housed approach

27 replies

amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 21:02

not really asking AIBU, just need to vent...

our parenting approach is to encourage and support DCs to be the best they can be - but at a pragmatic level.

DD's friend and her DB are tutored & coached within the edge of their lives, no expense spared regardless of their actual ability.

I can understand that their parents just want them to have every opportunity to succeed.... but it comes at a cost financial, and psychological(friend does ok, but not brilliantly at said activities and is left thinking how much her parents have spent and yet she's still not the best).

From their perspective, they are absolutely doing the best for their kids. And from my perspective, I explain to our DD that I don't love her any less because I spend £100s, rather than £1000s on her. But it's tough from both a child's and an adult's view point. I know they have their way, we have ours. And I know they think we sell our DD short cos we will "only" spend £100s and not £1000s.... so 2 sides and DD generally quite grown up about it but difficult to stand by our principles when DD thinks we've let her down. Don't feel you have to answer, just thanks for listening.

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GhoulsAreLoud · 06/12/2009 21:06

How old is your DD? Is she old enough for you to explain that they have their way and you have yours.

It's not really your business how they choose to spend their money or parent their children, but if it's causing problems for your DD then you need to address that, rather than being cross at their behaviour.

MollieO · 06/12/2009 21:12

Why does your dd feel that you have let her down. What does the friend have that she doesn't (apart from tutoring)? How old?

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 21:13

Yes, DD is old enough to understand their and our way and have been explaining that to her for several years already. Have no problem with that and agree with you, none of my business how they spend their money. But still tough when my and their DD are competing but friend's family spending x10 on the coaching/gear etc. I won't change our way,and will stand strong with DD cos that's life, but hard to keep explaining to her why xx gets so much more than she does and DD feels like we are not supporting her in same way as her friend. Which we aren't, when push comes to shove.

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GhoulsAreLoud · 06/12/2009 21:14

What sort of coaching? Are they doing GCSEs or something?

MollieO · 06/12/2009 21:18

Would be easier to comment if we knew whether dd was 8 or 14!

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 21:22

no, not academic coaching (although sais child and siblings also tutored academically , and coached for anything else they do). Up to her parents how they spend their money, as others have said, nothing to do with me really. But feel for the DCs as they are moved from one coaching/tutoring session to the other, and my DD and friends are left feeling unsupported (which they aren't ) - we already spend 100s per year, just not prepared to make it 1000s. There is no answer to suit all, just wanted to scream at MN rather than DH again, who just wants me and DD to stop spending time with our friends, cos I just get wound up

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Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 21:22

they are 11

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GhoulsAreLoud · 06/12/2009 21:25

Maybe DH has a point, would it hurt to take a step back if it's winding you up this much?

Miggsie · 06/12/2009 21:25

They can throw all the money they want at their DD but you can't put in what God left out and that's that.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 21:28

DH probably is right ,Ghouls, but tough when otherwise we are friends and it's just the "throw money at it til we win" mentality I can't cope with. I do know what the options are, just hard to go through with it when the consequences impact other parts of your lives.

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Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 21:29

Miggsie, that's how I see it - working hard to get DD ot see it that way too!

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duckyfuzz · 06/12/2009 21:32

If you're happy with what you're doing it shouldn't wind you up at all...

MollieO · 06/12/2009 21:37

Isn't that what 11 yr old girls do? I recall around that age I was begging my parents for a pony as my friends had them. It didn't happen and I didn't forgive them mind.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 21:48

I am happy with what we're doing and it isn't going to change. spend a lot of time talking to DD about how we "only" spend 100s on her whilst friend's parents spend £1000s. Stand by our approach, but it is hard when friend getting x10 or x20 spent on her.... The thing that gets DD (and me if honest) is that the other child is less talented but her parents can spend more so she does better. That's life, I know, and I can accept that, and DD doing well to accept it for the most part, but at the end of the day feels her friend getting more help to do better. Which she is, to be honest. And I can't change that.

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MollieO · 06/12/2009 21:57

What sort of things do they spend money on if not academic tutoring?

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 22:02

training for non-academic activities. Can't say more MollieO, too easy to be identified otherwise.

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MollieO · 06/12/2009 22:07

I assume things like tennis, horse riding, swimming etc. I reckon lots of 11 yr old girls have lessons in those.

I suppose it is a question of trying to ensure your dd appreciates your values. Ds has learnt to understand that he doesn't have the same home life or opportunities as a lot of his friends and he understands. He will ask for the latest computer game etc but understands why he can't have it.

It sounds as if your dd is heavily influenced by this other girl. Can you do something to broaden her social circle so she learns that the behaviour of this other girl's parents is not the norm?

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 22:13

DD knows that the behaviour of this girl and her parents isn't the norm in everyday school life. But in her competitive field, even children whose families have lower incomes than ours choose to invest more and that's where I struggle. Let's just be clear, even they are not supporting world class standards, all this money is just going in to being best in club/local area. Would pull DD out if it wouldn't break her heart

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MollieO · 06/12/2009 22:20

Must be dancing then. Rather glad I have a ds not a dd and not subject to those sort of pressures. I have a friend whose dd was in the top 20 in the country for her activity. My friend spent her weekends travelling all over the country taking her to competitions. At 14 she discovered boys and gave up the sport completely!

It sounds to me as if there isn't anything else you can do. There will always be someone better/more wealthy so it isn't a bad lesson for your dd to learn.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 22:27

Mollie, spot on in all you wrote. And know I can either cough up or shut up (not that we don't spend enough anyway). Just sad there has to be such a decision. Am reasonably well off (not megga rich but comfortable) but see kids who are on the breadline investing more in their activity than we do. Not sure who has got their priorities wrong, but just hope DD looks back one day and knows I did what seemed like the best at the time.

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ReneRusso · 06/12/2009 22:30

At 11, she is old enough for you to be able to explain your approach. And children need to understand that they can't have everything. I don't see an issue really. Unless it's your issue not hers, and you actually are subconsciously feeling that you are letting her down?

Judy1234 · 06/12/2009 22:35

And it's not just time. Sometimes the parents devote every second of their spare time to the child's hobby or sporting aims. I would never have been prepared to do that I think even if there were an olympic hope. ON the other hand I've paid school and university fees from age 3 - 22 so I feel I've done enough and always worked full time.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 22:35

rene, you are right. I am very happy with my approach, but imagine, you have just spent £150 on (one of several) costumes to be told by the 23 year old teacher that "she could have a better dress" and her wee pal has just had £800 spent on ONE new outfit (needs 3 -4). So yes, DD old enough to understand and yes, my problem. Happy to talk to her about reality, as I do frequently. And could also pull her out of it altogether. But imagine, your child loves something, and mum pulls her out cos she is "only" prepared to spend 100s and not 1000s, that't kind of tough. I know the options, just hard to decide what to do.

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ReneRusso · 06/12/2009 23:04

That's tough. But it's it also a bit ridiculous. £800? So pragmatic has got to be the right way. There must be others like you in the same boat. Sorry, but suspect 23 yr old teacher is a silly bitch.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 06/12/2009 23:07

TBH, she's not silly or a bitch - but had parents who would pay as much as it took for her to be the best. So she passes that attitude down to her charges, knows nothing different. Would really ,really love to walk away from this shallow environment but would prefer DD to reach that conclusion herself else she will never forgive me.

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