Please do help me out if you can.
Last night at a social do I had an argument with my very dear friend's husband.
It sounds stupid but basically at the end of the meal (about 15 people) someone was working out who owed what on the bill and he said something along the lines of 'why don't we all just pay for what we ate' and I said (I admit somewhat exasperated) 'that is what is happening, that is what she is working out'. He then told me 'button it you', waving his finger in my face and shouting.
For a second I thought about letting it go, but then I said in a low voice 'don't talk to me like that' and then he starting getting his face in my face, waving his finger more and a long rant, ending in 'shut the F up'. I then said, in a louder voice 'do not speak to me like that' again and walked away.
Now for a bit of background, he is my friend's husband and I love her dearly. I find him a bit aggressive and hate him talking down to her all the time, calling her 'larda*se', 'dumb' etc. I see this all the time. He also shouts and screams in her face about the fact that she slept with (in his words) loads of men before they started dating, calling her a 'slag' etc. I have not seen this, but she has told me about it many times. I find this horrible, but then on the flip side, she calls him names too, and they have a very fiery relationship. A lot of the arguments happen after they have both been drinking. We were all drinking last night, he probably had about 4 or 5 and I'd had 2. So I was definitely not drunk, and he didn't appear to be.
To be fair to him, she has never told me that he has hit her, but he most definitely is aggressive in his manner, which I have seen many times, directed at her. I have had to bite my lip when I have seen it happen.
I know that he will be making her life difficult all day today. Probably calling me all sorts of names. And she will just want it sorted for the sake of an easy life.
I have said that if he apologises I will accept it and apologise too (even though I know I did nothing wrong, but for the sake of making her life easier).
However a mutual friend is pressurising me to forget all about it without an apology and put it down to a 'misunderstanding.' To me, if he had said something thoughtless or that could be read one way or another then I probably would, but being told to 'shut the f up' is a pretty difficult thing to misunderstand.
I still love my friend and have told her that it doesn't affect how I feel about her and our friendship. Of course in reality it does, we go to each other's houses once a week or so. And I know he will pressurise her not to see me and say that I am not welcome in his house, as he is quite controlling.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable is asking for an apology before we 'make up'. I think its a case of meeting half way, with him making the first move. What do you think? Should I just 'forget it' and forget about asking for an apology. for the sake of an easy life for my friend?
For a bit of information, I was abused by my father and when her husband was waving a finger in my face and shouting it snapped me straight back to that and it was terrifying. That is why the relatively tempered response, because that it what I was taught to say to people who were doing things that were not acceptable. Does this fact mean that I am over-reacting?
Please do help me, I am torn between holding on to my values and making him realise that is not acceptable to be that aggressive to somebody and trying to make my friend's life easier as I love her?