Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel this undermined by my mother?

32 replies

starlight99 · 05/12/2009 20:08

My mum helps us out loads. She comes to look after my DD for 1.5 days per week while I go to work. She is great with her and I'm really happy with her being close to my little girl.

But I can't help feeling undermined by her. Whenever she arrives she puts on her apron and basically takes over the kitchen. Even if I am cooking the meal she hangs around and just cannot help interfering.

With my little girl she is totally over the top, heaping affection and constantly singing silly songs, entertaining her. I just feel really flat and a failure by comparison.

Then today we had a birthday party for my little girl. I asked mum to bring a tray of sandwiches, which she did, along with LOADS of other stuff most of which I had already bought so we had way too much and duplicates of everything. I just felt like she was saying "I don't trust you organising this party so I'm going to make sure by bringing stuff myself".

Then she went to make a start on the washing up and I just felt so angry I told her to please leave it. I felt like saying this is my kitchen, this is my house, this is my little girl.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gumps · 05/12/2009 20:25

Honestly yes i think yab a little u. It sounds like you have a top mum who loves helping you out and you are very lucky to have her. You are her little girl and remember she is probably doing it out of love for you as well as her grand daughter.
However if you do feel she is stepping on your toes, far better to try and have a conversation about it now to clear the air, rather than let the resentment build up.

I just had to tell my dad that I was buying the lorry that my 2yo wants from Father Christmas and not him. He was quite upset as he really want to get it but I gently reminded him that I was the parent and I wanted to get the thing where my son has understood Christmas for the first time.

My sons have a really close relastionship with their grandparents and sometimes I have felt a little jealous when they play games that I don't understand ect. But it is such a special relationship that won't be around for ever and I want them and I to enjoy every second of it.

carocaro · 05/12/2009 20:26

Yes you are.

But I know where you are coming from.

My Mum does the same and I'm 38! She always wipes the kitchen sink when she comes and says that the Hoover is always out. She also said last week that my cupboards were in a bit of mess, true, but I knew that.

It does ruffle my feathers, but I think it's a part of being a mother - helping you out and a grandmother - lavishing her grandaughter and going over the top, it goes with the teritory.

I am 100% sure it's not because she does not trust you to do a good job, get that thought right out of your head, she is just wanting to help and young kids are hard work.

I think you should just let het get on with it, it's not like she is telling you how to bring up your daughter.

Be thankfull for her care and attention and involvement in your life.

agedknees · 05/12/2009 20:30

To your mum, you are still her little girl. She will want to help you out as much as she can - you will do it with your dd when the time comes.

Don't think of it as interfering. Think of it as your mum's way of showing you love and affection.

ellokitty · 05/12/2009 20:43

I agree with agedknees. My mum does the same... but I leave her to get on with it! Its not trusting you, its just I don't think they can get out of the mother role!

Use limiting tactics (such as if she brings duplicates - put hers to the side, and give them back to her at the end, thanking her, but saying you had already bought them) but don't worry about it, it is just a sign of love, honest!

golgi · 05/12/2009 20:56

You are a bit. Although I understand how you feel.

My mum is always doing little jobs in my house (she looks after boys 4 days a week) - but to be honest if she wants to weed the garden I'm very grateful!

I consider myself lucky that my mum is around and willing to help.

JjandtheBean · 05/12/2009 20:59

You are a bit, but im the same,
my grandma is all singing all dancing childs entertainment, kitchen and housework goddess, and i feel like pah when ever shes around.

But she understands after 2yrs of no break from children i dont have the umpf to sing row row for the one millionth time whilst making a cake and bleaching the floor!

Im bloody greatfull for all she does even if i do want to gag her sometimes

Ponymum · 05/12/2009 21:01

I think it is basically motivated by kindness and wanting to help, but I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. My mum is always wanting to "do" things to be useful. It drives me mad but I have learned that the best thing to do is to harness that basically good motivation and steer it in a more useful direction. I am now a great fan of the phrase "That's a kind offer Mum, but actually what would really help me right now is.... instead." I was afraid she might be offended at first but she seems to appreciate being directed, especially if I throw in a bit of random praise. e.g. "We could do with a few spare meals in the freezer, and DH really enjoyed that lasagne you made for us last time." Your mum also seems to need a practical outlet for her need to help, so if you can find a way to take advantage of that for things that really help you, then it's win-win.

Littlemissmuppet · 05/12/2009 21:33

Absolutely agree with Ponymum, what fantastic advice! I've done exactly this when my mum is with us on holiday (once a year) and it works a treat! And you know what, at the end of the day, when DD is tired and needs a bit of a cuddle, she'll only want to be in your arms, and that's what really counts!

Original poster
starlight99 · 05/12/2009 21:45

thanks guys, I guess I knew I was being a bit unreasonable. I know that I am very lucky to have a mum that cares so much and is willing to help. I just feel sometimes that I'm not as good a mummy as her, but maybe by the time I'm her age I will have got better!
Thanks I will try hard to appreciate her more.

OP posts:
kinnies · 05/12/2009 22:38

yabu
wish i had a mum like yours
Might she bu up for addopting a 27yr old (mostly house trained) mum of two??

iamanewmum31 · 05/12/2009 22:48

My husband and I had our first DD in October. We have had little family time since she was born. My parents live around the corner and expect to see her every day. They have made uninvited comments and have given unwanted advice about various things. I have lost my temper with them a couple of times. Also when they are round or when I go and visit they are all over my DD and act like her parents. my father has even pushed me away from the pram! My Mother holds her for too long to annoy me as I have told her how I feel. If I don't go round, text or phone everyday my Mum will keep texting me. My parents were good when I was growing up but now they have seem to have lost the plot. The same thing happened with my Mother in law but she has since backed off and doesn't live around the corner! My parents are from the hippy era and refuse to grow old gracefully thus finding it difficult to deal with old age. How can I resolve this without hurting feelings? I would be grateful for any advice. I am in my early thirties!

Ivykaty44 · 05/12/2009 22:55

If this is how you feel then tell your mum.

You can actually do it really nicely, say look mum you do so much for me you really need to sit down and relax and let me look after you - let me do the washing up and when you invite us to your place I wil let you pamper me.

very gently set out some boundaries so you can be your own person in your house.

If your mum says oh no let me do the washing up you have two choices - you go and be mum and lavish the time on your dd whilst your mum washes up or you say ok mum thanks lets do it together...

TidyHollyBush · 05/12/2009 23:02

iamanewmum31 What about telling them you are taking some time out just for you, DH and DD then turn of the phone and don't answer the door.

If you at least warn them that you're not going to be around they won't worry if they can't get hold of you.

Try this once and then increase the number of times so that you get visits down to a reasonable level.

At the end of the day you are an adult and need to start setting some boundaries instead of accepting the role your DPs have given you.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 05/12/2009 23:17

I know exactly how you feel, but you ARE being unreasonable! She just wants to feel useful is all - i'm almost dreading DD1 becoming a mum, i know im going to want to interfere help out as much as i possibly can, and feel part of my GCs life. DD1 only 19 so hopefully a way off yet - but i was only 19 when i had her - my mother drove me nuts. I have a 4yo DD now, a big gap im 39 and my mother doesn't bother me the way she used to - i don't think she interferes any less tbh and sometimes i get irked at the amount of time she demands (shes a widow)but it just washes over me - maybe its because im more confident now so, if she tells me something i think is bullshit, i either ignore her, or i ask her is she is actually mad that usually gets the message across!

Again, its awkward because she helps you out a lot, so in a way you do have to suck it up a little, but just get better at ignoring things that don't really matter - yes, she is your DD and nothing will change that - but you are your mums DD and remember, she feels the same way about you as you do about your DD and your dd is her GC too. I do think its ok to tell her to get the feck out of your kitchen though

diddl · 06/12/2009 10:12

The thing is she looks after your daughter so thinks you still need her & she obviously thinks that that entitles her to help out wherever she sees fit.

Why were you "angry" about her washing up?

JemL · 06/12/2009 11:29

My mum does this. My theory is that it is because when we were younger - there were 3 of us, and my 2 sisters were only 11 months apart - she had no help at all, and it was incredibly difficult for her, especially given our circumstances at the time. So she is a bit OTT with my children, but it's ok. I'm willing to overlook her constant excessive indulgence of the DS's, considering that she takes bags of my laundry to do (and IRONS IT!), takes time off work to help me out, cancels meetings to attend vaccination appointments with me - your mum doesn't sound like she genuinely wants to undermine you, and doesn't realise that is how you feel.

wearthefoxhat · 06/12/2009 11:37

I really wish my Mum was as helpful as this. She lives nearby, but she isn't interested in seeing us, or her grandchildren, which is really hurtful. If we want her to see them, we have to do the running, if she comes to our house, she perches on a chair with her coat on, ready to run at the first opportunity.
It sounds like your Mum really loves you and your DD, and loves helping out. How about when she goes round say to her to sit down with you for a chat, instead of working?

ThumbleBells · 06/12/2009 11:41

I think YANBU to be a bit peed off about the party food - you told her what you wanted her to bring and she basically brought loads of excess stuff - she should have listened to you.

About the other stuff - YABa bit U, the thing is you have asked her to help you out and she doesn't know when/where to stop. I do sympathise, it does seem like she is taking over and making you feel like you are still a little girl yourself - remember that is probably how she still sees you though!

You need to have a chat - set some boundaries, and try not to feel "jealous" about her activities with your DD (I get this with my MIL and DS - she stayed with us for the first few weeks after DS was born and I was shockingly jealous whenever she had hold of him for too long, or was saying things like "you're tired aren't you, poor little boy" - anything that, to me, implied I didn't know what I was doing.)

MIL also hijacked my present idea for DS's 2nd birthday - I was a bit miffed about that too but at least I got to go with her and choose it.

ineedalifelaundry · 06/12/2009 11:56

I know this always gets said on threads like this but ... appreciate your mums ladies, especially those who want to be so involved in your lives.

What I wouldn't give for a day of being bossed around by my lovely mum, who died before I had my DD.

I really don't mean to belittle the problem the OP describes however. And I think Ponymum had great advice

sparklefrog · 06/12/2009 13:28

I know what you mean, my mum can't sit and do nothing ever!!!

She will walk in and straight away start doing some sort of cleaning. It does annoy me, because she also comes out with stupid comments whilst doing it such as 'I live in hope you will get yrself organised one day.'
'How do you live in this pigsty?'
'You've probably been on that bloody computer instead of cleaning haven't you?'

I got to the point where I manically cleaned if she was coming round. It's almost as if she is saying I am so unorganised and ineffective that I need the help, or it wont get done. (She has said before that if she didn't help me, it probably wouldn't get done, which is so untrue)

My house isn't a showhouse by any means, but it's usually clean, if not tidy. Mum has said she thinks my waking hrs should be spent cleaning and keeping on top of everything, and she means show home standard.

Once I had cleaned thoroughly downstairs, and mum came over, by which time my kitchen floor was dry. Mum then noticed my kitchen floor was filthy, and started sweeping and mopping. She swept imaginary dirt into the dustpan and brush, then mopped (I have a disposable pad on the end of my mop) and the mop was not dirty after. I admit I chuckled to myself throughout.

RealityIsHungover · 06/12/2009 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
starlight99 · 06/12/2009 16:54

Some really good advice here. You're right some mums can't help but "help"... it's just inbuilt... isn't it scary that we might turn out like this one day with our grandkids??!
My mum just feels like she has to help. I think yesterday at the party she just didn't know HOW to not help, even if it was annoying to me. I'm sure she doesn't mean to annoy, and I know I should be more grateful. I guess it just does make me feel like a child again. You've made me realise though that some people do not have mums that care so much, so I should be more grateful. I'm sorry for those of you whose mums are very "hands off" and unhelpful. I know that if my mum came round and just sat back expecting to be waited on I would find that very frustrating indeed.
I suppose I just want some respect from her that in my home, it's my territory. The other day she gave my DD a dummy in the day (when I have a rule only dummies at night time). When I took it away there was a big scene, and of course mummy was the "bad guy" again and DD ran to granny for comfort. It hurts to feel like that sometimes. However, I recognise that granparents have a special relationship and are allowed to "spoil" from time to time.
I still think IANBU about the party food though, that really wound me up!!

OP posts:
diddl · 06/12/2009 17:18

Just a thought-where does she look after your daughter-hers or yours?

If at yours, I guess she feels a little as if it is also her house?

And she has an apron at yours?

Original poster
starlight99 · 06/12/2009 17:30

hi diddl!
Yes she has an apron at my house!!! This says it all I feel.
She comes to mine to look after DD, so I suppose perhaps she does feel our house is a bit of a "home from home" for her. Hadn't really thought of that before...

OP posts:
HarlotOTara · 06/12/2009 17:37

I think it can be part of being a mother )not always). I went to visit my daughter at university yesterday. By my standards her room was a tip and I automatically started to tidy her room until I reminded myself it wasn't my business to do so. I had to sit on my hands! I expect your mum can't help but see you as her little daughter and this is her way of helping and loving you. I am beginning to see the other side of the coin.