to feel this undermined by my mother?

[starlight99]

My mum helps us out loads. She comes to look after my DD for 1.5 days per week while I go to work. She is great with her and I'm really happy with her being close to my little girl.

But I can't help feeling undermined by her. Whenever she arrives she puts on her apron and basically takes over the kitchen. Even if I am cooking the meal she hangs around and just cannot help interfering.

With my little girl she is totally over the top, heaping affection and constantly singing silly songs, entertaining her. I just feel really flat and a failure by comparison.

Then today we had a birthday party for my little girl. I asked mum to bring a tray of sandwiches, which she did, along with LOADS of other stuff most of which I had already bought so we had way too much and duplicates of everything. I just felt like she was saying "I don't trust you organising this party so I'm going to make sure by bringing stuff myself".

Then she went to make a start on the washing up and I just felt so angry I told her to please leave it. I felt like saying this is my kitchen, this is my house, this is my little girl.

AIBU?

I don´t know either of you, of course, but your mum more than likely isn´t doing it to undermine, just to help.

I think if you really don´t want her to do something you either have to tell her or make her sit down with a tea/coffee with you, or make sure you do things together.

She is being helpful.

A friend of mine recently out of hospital with first baby.
I went to see her-she was in tears scrubbing the bathroom floor-her Mum had come to "help"-by sitting on her ärse & fussing baby so that my friend could get on with her housework!

I don't know.

Your mum does sound helpful up to point but it would annoy me so much if someone came in and started bustling around my home, doing things the way they think they should be done. Because it's my home and I think it's interfering, regardless of who it is.

And I'm a grown up - if I want help, then I'll ask for it. My mum knows that I'm an adult and that she's still my mum without having to treat me like a child.My mil asks if she can help and we say that we can manage and she says, "Oh no, I think I'll do it anyway," That's not helpful especially since she always leaves a mess!

I can understand why you're pee'd off, starlight and I don't think you're bu at all, frankly. Sometimes I think it's less about their helping us but more about their need to feel like mums still. That's all very well but sometimes it just gets on my nerves particularly as I feel they ignore whose home it is.

Also, don't forget though - it's easier to be a gp than it is to be a mother because the gp isn't really responsible for that child and can relax and just have fun. You're still your dd's mum and will always be cherished as such by her.

thanks winky, I think you understand where I'm coming from
I do feel p'eed off. But also feel guilty for feeling p'eed off!

My MIL is just the same and on one hand i completely resent it - especially as whenever we see her she brings presents fro the DC - so much so that now DD asks what she's got for her.

She lives far enough away not to see her too often and she brings food for the whole wekend - every meal catered for. which makes me feel like my housekeeping is completely inadequate.

BUT she does have a terrific r/shp with my DD and actually she's just being generous and kind hearted and trying to do the right thing. I know she means no offense by it.

And in fat i should just shut up to have such a considerate MIL, but it still rankles a bit.

hehe I love it when my Mum/MIL turn up and get to work. My sister does it as well. I take it as a cue to put the kettle on and read a newspaper while chatting to them from the kitchen table. I am extraordinarily lazy though.

Relax, let her do it and be pleased that the washing up is done!

My MIL and SIL have this problem. MIL is trying to help, particularly to minimise the disruption that her visits cause. SIL feels hounded out of her own kitchen. MIL (or more accurately FIL on MIL's behalf) resents not being thanked for ever cooking a meal. SIL resents MIL taking over. I think this situation is exacerbated by the fact that these visits last for 2 weeks, and happen every 2-3 months. It's only a small aspect to their excellent relationship, but I notice it because I get to listen to both sides.

There's no answer to it. SIL has found coping strategies - eg moving the TV into her bedroom so she can spend a few hours by herself. MIL realises that she is quick to step in but as she can't really stop herself she just tries to be sensitive to when she is overstepping the mark, and makes up for it in other ways like running ridiculous errands for SIL, which might be SIL's attempt to keep MIL busy doing things she doesn't find intrusive. IMO it's something that everyone has to negotiate as their parent / child relationship evolves through adulthood / into old age. I find it interesting because I don't have my parents any more so have never had to deal with this situation. IIWY, I'd try to appreciate this help in the spirit in which it in intended while you can - eventually you may find yourself looking after them, and doubtless they will find that difficult too!

If you feel she is doing too much and you are not doing enough then stop asking her to help you