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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Warning...Rant about XP, but seriously, AIBU?

44 replies

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 20:21

XP and I been split for 10 months. DD is 16 months.

Since before DD was born, XP has provided very very little. (I can remember absolutely everything he has bought for DD since I became pregnant.)

Although he has provided very little, he has stolen hundreds of pounds from me and DS and stolen the small amount of money DD was given when she was newborn. He has stolen jewellery, including a diamond ring of mine, games consoles & games, a bike, various other items from the house, then pawned them, and pocketed the money.

For the whole time he was living with me, he was a total cocklodger. (He reasoned he shouldn't have to pay rent or any other bills, because if he wasn't here, I'd still have to pay them.)
He left me over £11K in debt, and totally drove my car into the ground.
This is amongst other stuff that I wont bore you with.

I am now on benefit, after finally getting him out of my house.

Now you have a bit of background, here's my latest problem.

XP bought a 2nd hand stage 1 car seat. When he first left, he took it with him (because he bought it), then a few months later, he relented and brought it back and said it was for when DD outgrew the stage 0.

In the meantime, when he picked up DD for the day, I lent him the stage 0 car seat.

Now DD has obviously outgrown the Stage 0 car seat, XP hasn't seen her for a while, and he wants to see her. (Court Order has been granted re access and he has DD Saturday's, when he can be arsed to turn up)

He demanded the return of the car seat (stage 1) even though he knows it is the only suitable one I have, and I have no means of replacing it. He claims to be working full time and lives with a close family member, and has known for months that it is not my responsibility to provide him with what he needs to enable him to have DD for the day. However, previously, I have sent DD off with absolutely everything she could possibly need for the day whilst with him.

He says that because he bought the car seat, it belongs to him, and he is not asking me to provide anything for DD, since he has already provided it, and now he wants it returned.

This will leave one item in the house that he has provided (DD's cotbed frame) and he has threatened to remove that before, since again, he paid for it.

He doesn't have DD overnight, doesn't pay any maintenance for DD (changes job too often for CSA to trace him) and will do anything to evade paying for anything at all. He even tries to phone me reverse charge so he doesn't have to pay. I never accept but then he tells me he needed to tell me something important and I wouldn't answer the phone.

XP said that when he came over to collect DD tomorrow morning, if I didn't hand her over with the car seat, he will call the police.

I called the police to verify whether they will come out and make me hand over the car seat to him, and they have told me that in the eyes of the law, the car seat belongs to XP because he paid for it, and therefore, yes they will come out and demand I hand it over, because if I don't, I will be arrested for Breach of the peace. Police also said she couldn't see what the problem was, even though Halfords fitted my car seat, according to the WPC, Halfords have no more idea how to fit car seats than my XP will have, so WPC says XP will be able to fit it into his car as well as Halfords can. It is also up to XP if he gives me the car seat back again since it belongs to him, and WPC says I ABU. but she did advise I see a solicitor. I tried to explain it was Friday evening so I cannot contact my solicitor (although I tried during the day and she was supposed to get back to me, but didn't.

I know I will have to hand over the bloody car seat to avoid this trouble, which will leave me without a car seat completely but AIBU to want to rip XP's fucking head off and shit down his throat?????

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 04/12/2009 20:25

YANBU. Thank god you're not with him anymore though, what a prize twat he sounds!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/12/2009 20:28

YANBU to want to rip his head off and shit down his throat.

I seriously doubt that the PC was correct in saying that the police would attend and arrest you. I tend to think that the carseat is yours as he gave it to you, but I'm not sure where the law stands on that. YANBU to think that he should buy a new fucking car seat. However you should really buy a new one too as 2nd hand ones aren't a great idea (I have one, given by a friend, and am saving for a new one) OMG he sounds like a prize fucking twat.

busybutterfly · 04/12/2009 20:30

What a total arse. YANBU.

Try freecycle for another one - you may find one locally.

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/12/2009 20:33

Let him call the police, they should laugh in his face, then arrest the twonk for wasting police time. Arsehole, you are so much better off without. Well done you! Surly he's stealing off his child if this is the case, he's technically given it to your DC so he can't take it back now.

It can't be theft, theft is to take something that belongs to someone else with the intention to permanently deprive (I'm a law graduate), he's given this to his child so it no longer belongs to him.

kinnies · 04/12/2009 20:34

Can he proove he owns it?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/12/2009 20:36

if it's second hand I doubt he has a receipt - your word against his! Let the twat call the police!

MinkyBorage · 04/12/2009 20:39

what a cunt! Obviously yanu at all. You need another carseat though, and a cot frame, regardless of whether he actually goes through with it and takes them from you, it would be so much healthier for you to be entirely free of him, so he can't blackmail you about anything. Pity he still has to spend time with your dc, bet they'd be better off without his influence!

Another poster suggested freecycle, people can't seem to GIVE carseats away around here. Put a post on requesting one. Whereabouts are you? If you're close enough, I bet I could get one for you

ronshar · 04/12/2009 20:41

Ask him to provide a reciept for proof of purchase. Then tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Sorry but who exactly does he think he is?

I was under the impression that if something is given as a gift then it cant be taken back.

How about you give him a bill for child relate expenses.
How about you call the police and report him for theft?

I would. Scum bag.

I am Mrs Angry, from angry town tonight.

WetAugust · 04/12/2009 20:41

"He left me over £11K in debt"... so presumably included in that £11K was the cost of the car seat he purchased but which you paid for - so it's your car seat.

YANBU - he's a parasitic plonker

Where YABU is to not to tell him to fuck right off and also I don't think it's reasonable to waste Police time over a trivial domestic matter like this.

Reading between the lines in your OP you need to get out of what could be considered a 'doormat' mentality when it come to your XP and start being more assertive. If he wants to take her for the day provide the minimum required and let him start to face up to his responsibilities.

Wishing you well

Fruitysunshine · 04/12/2009 20:43

I always thought that items for the child belonged to the child and therefore items should be passed back and forth accordingly if only one of each item exists. I am not sure about things like car seats and cots but certainly clothes and toys.

Dh and his EX both have their own boosters for skids as well as clothing and they bring their toys back and forth.

However under the circumstances and history between you YANBU. I don't see why he cannot return the seat when he drops off your DD after all what does he expect her to sit in if you do not have a seat for her?

As someone has already pointed out Freegle/freecycle may be a good port of call for a second hand seat.

My ex husband is a CARBON COPY of yours and after 9 years I learned not to get irritated by his behaviour, infact his rights have been terminated and my DH has adopted her as his own. Life is so much better for DD without him jerking her about all the time. Make sure you are as sufficient as possible and don't depend on getting money from him. If it turns up it's something extra, if not then he once again proves what a jerk he is.

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 20:44

I am in 2 minds as to whether to call his bluff or not.

There is always the possibility he wont even turn up tomorrow.

I am so glad I am not with him anymore.

The advice I have had from the police during the years I have been with him has been awful imo.

The first time I called the police to have him removed from the house, they refused on the grounds that he had lived at my house as his main address for over 2 years, and therefore had a legal entitlement to remain in the house, even though it is my name on the tenancy and he has never made a payment towards the rent, nor was he registered on the electoral role from my address.

I just don't know how much power the police have and what they can make me do or not make me do.

It has been one long nightmare, but thankfully, my relationship with him is over!!!

OP posts:

Fruitysunshine · 04/12/2009 20:47

Just stand your ground until they arrest you! THEN maybe review your position.

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 20:55

I am in Essex btw, but will definitely try Freecycle.

WetAugust When he phoned me to demand the return of the car seat and threatened me with the police, I did say to him "I'm sure if you add up all you have stolen from me over the years, and the maintenance you haven't paid, you can more than afford to buy another car seat" He replied "Obviously, we are not going to have a constructive conversation AGAIN!!" and hung up.
He was also told by the judge during the court proceedings that It was not a matter for the police constabulary to sort out his domestic affairs, but it seems to have made no difference to him.

I know I shouldn't be angry, but I am so angry this evening. He wanted DD so badly, but now he boasts of earning £500/600 a week and yet never has any money (gambling problem) and leeches off of everyone. I wont allow him to leech off of me ever again!!!

I wish he had a govt health warning tattooed on his face!!! I pity any woman getting involved with him, and yet I know he will find another woman soon enough, because he can't stand to be single. In fact I am surprised he hasn't found another woman yet.

OP posts:

MinkyBorage · 04/12/2009 21:07

I'll be in Colchester after Christmas and could definitely have a go at trying to get one for you, but have a go yourself first as it would be much easier.

maxpower · 04/12/2009 21:20

YANBU - what a bastard

If he's as unreliable as you suggest, lets hope he doesn't turn up tomorrow....

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 21:24

Oh I am really hoping he doesn't bother tomorrow too.

Will let you all know what happens WRT him turning up or not tomorrow.

OP posts:

allaboutme · 04/12/2009 21:36

I'd lie brazenly.
Park your car round the corner or somewhere just out of sight and if/when he turns up tell him you no longer have 'his' carseat as it was old/damaged/you pawned it and you now have one you bought yourself from a car boot sale (which looks similar ). He will need to provide his own seat as yours is fitted professionally and you cant risk it being fitted badly.
Stand your ground and if he says you are lying or wants to call the police then stick to your story and tell him he needs to provide a receipt to prove what he says - which he wont have if he bought it second hand!!

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 22:32

Good idea allaboutme, but what do I do if police tell me to let him use the car seat I have for the day, since I would not be using it if he has DD.

TBH, I resent him having the steam off my piss, the whole time I have known him, he has begged, borrowed or stolen so he doesn't have to provide out of his pocket for anything.

He's such an arsehole, he even stole hundreds out of my DS's bank account, when my DS was in his early teens, which my DS had been saving for years. I reported it to the police, they said there was no proof, because the cash point he used had no CCTV,(he probably picked that particular cash point for that reason alone) and he knew the PIN, so there was a doubt as to whether it was stolen at all.

My DS is now an adult, and I still haven't managed to pay him back.

God, I truly despise my XP.

OP posts:

allaboutme · 04/12/2009 22:38

the police would have no place to tell you to lend your XP your car seat. Its not a police matter in the slightest!
could vaguely see why they might have a say in it if xp says seat is his and he paid for it and he is asking for it back, but if you've said its not his and you dont want to lend it, never had any intention of lending it and dont have it right now (keep car out of sight, tell them its at a friends/at the garage) then they cant make you lend it!!

he sounds like a cunt to put it bluntly and i'd do everything i could not to give him your carseat to hold over you!

lou33 · 04/12/2009 22:45

i seriously doubt the police would get involved

when my exh took the dc's laptop and refused to return it, i called them to be told it was a civil matter and nothing to do with them

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 22:56

That sounds promising allaboutme and lou33.

Sometimes, it seems XP always comes up smelling of roses, and I'm always made to look like IABU.
The WPC even said on the phone seems to me that you are the one who is being unreasonable.

Maybe I am BU, but he has had enough out of me now.

On the other hand, he could be using this as an excuse because he doesn't want to bother seeing DD tomorrow. That wont be the first time he has caused problems or an argument to use as an excuse not to bother the following day.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 22:58

lou33 Did you ever get your DC's laptop back?

OP posts:

lou33 · 04/12/2009 23:08

yes i did eventually, but only because i believe he wanted something of his that was still on my property

the police gave me a crime number but said it wasnt something they would get involved in

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 23:10

That's good to know lou33.

Think I'll stick to my guns.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 04/12/2009 23:14

Op u must be so glad you're no longer with this immature twat! Hugs to u x

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