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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Warning...Rant about XP, but seriously, AIBU?

44 replies

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 20:21

XP and I been split for 10 months. DD is 16 months.

Since before DD was born, XP has provided very very little. (I can remember absolutely everything he has bought for DD since I became pregnant.)

Although he has provided very little, he has stolen hundreds of pounds from me and DS and stolen the small amount of money DD was given when she was newborn. He has stolen jewellery, including a diamond ring of mine, games consoles & games, a bike, various other items from the house, then pawned them, and pocketed the money.

For the whole time he was living with me, he was a total cocklodger. (He reasoned he shouldn't have to pay rent or any other bills, because if he wasn't here, I'd still have to pay them.)
He left me over £11K in debt, and totally drove my car into the ground.
This is amongst other stuff that I wont bore you with.

I am now on benefit, after finally getting him out of my house.

Now you have a bit of background, here's my latest problem.

XP bought a 2nd hand stage 1 car seat. When he first left, he took it with him (because he bought it), then a few months later, he relented and brought it back and said it was for when DD outgrew the stage 0.

In the meantime, when he picked up DD for the day, I lent him the stage 0 car seat.

Now DD has obviously outgrown the Stage 0 car seat, XP hasn't seen her for a while, and he wants to see her. (Court Order has been granted re access and he has DD Saturday's, when he can be arsed to turn up)

He demanded the return of the car seat (stage 1) even though he knows it is the only suitable one I have, and I have no means of replacing it. He claims to be working full time and lives with a close family member, and has known for months that it is not my responsibility to provide him with what he needs to enable him to have DD for the day. However, previously, I have sent DD off with absolutely everything she could possibly need for the day whilst with him.

He says that because he bought the car seat, it belongs to him, and he is not asking me to provide anything for DD, since he has already provided it, and now he wants it returned.

This will leave one item in the house that he has provided (DD's cotbed frame) and he has threatened to remove that before, since again, he paid for it.

He doesn't have DD overnight, doesn't pay any maintenance for DD (changes job too often for CSA to trace him) and will do anything to evade paying for anything at all. He even tries to phone me reverse charge so he doesn't have to pay. I never accept but then he tells me he needed to tell me something important and I wouldn't answer the phone.

XP said that when he came over to collect DD tomorrow morning, if I didn't hand her over with the car seat, he will call the police.

I called the police to verify whether they will come out and make me hand over the car seat to him, and they have told me that in the eyes of the law, the car seat belongs to XP because he paid for it, and therefore, yes they will come out and demand I hand it over, because if I don't, I will be arrested for Breach of the peace. Police also said she couldn't see what the problem was, even though Halfords fitted my car seat, according to the WPC, Halfords have no more idea how to fit car seats than my XP will have, so WPC says XP will be able to fit it into his car as well as Halfords can. It is also up to XP if he gives me the car seat back again since it belongs to him, and WPC says I ABU. but she did advise I see a solicitor. I tried to explain it was Friday evening so I cannot contact my solicitor (although I tried during the day and she was supposed to get back to me, but didn't.

I know I will have to hand over the bloody car seat to avoid this trouble, which will leave me without a car seat completely but AIBU to want to rip XP's fucking head off and shit down his throat?????

OP posts:

lou33 · 04/12/2009 23:30

seriously, if the police thought coming out to settle a dispute over a carseat was that important, then they clearly dont have enough to be getting on with

you must live in the safest place in the uk

Original poster

sparklefrog · 04/12/2009 23:33

pinkyredrose I can't believe I stuck with him for so long. Someone once said to me that it's not until you are out of a crap relationship that you can look back and see just how truly awful it was.

lou33 I am sorely tempted to say that to the police, should they turn up on my doorstep tomorrow morning.

OP posts:

stilldancesonthetable · 04/12/2009 23:45

YANNNNBU! I feel so sorry for you
I ended up stopping contact between my eldest dd & XP for 6 years because he made me & more importantly dd miserable at every oppurtunity. Never paid any maintenence,only turned up for contact when it suited & generally controlled my life for years.Could write the proverbial book on stunts he pulledI hung in until it began to affect dd but once it did that was enough. Dd is 16 now & they have been back in contact since she was 11 but hes still a complete twat.

ChazsBarmyArmy · 05/12/2009 00:00

Ask him how he intends to rebut the presumption of advancement. Usually in law when you give something to a stranger you can argue that the stranger should hold it on trust for you unless it can be shown it was intended to be a gift. However,if the gift is from a parent to a child the assumption is reversed and it is assumed to be a gift unless the contrary intention can be proved.

So in this case,it appears to me that the police have got it wrong because he is the child's father and therefore he has to prove that it was not a gift. Furthermore, he has to show that it was clear at the time it was given that he intended to retain ownership of the car seat.

Note - it is important that you argue that he gave the car seat to your DD and not to you as the presumption of advancement does not usually apply to two adults.

If you can emphasise that the car seat belongs to your daughter and as he is her father the presumption of advancement means that it was a gift he will be stealing your daughter's property if he tries to take it back.

I know this is quite technical but in short if something is given by a parent to a child it is assumed to be a gift unless the parent can show at the time it was given it was made clear that it was not a gift.

(However, possession being 9/10ths of the law if you give him the car seat you will struggle to get it back)

lou33 · 05/12/2009 00:00

sparkle, that not being able to see until you are out of it is v v true

i would be amazed if they do turn up, but i guess the worst that would happen is you just hand it over, though i think he would have to show proof it belonged to him in some form

CardyMow · 05/12/2009 00:06

Sparklefrog, I am in Colchester Essex and I have a car seat I don't use, it's never been in an accident, but don't know what stage it is. It's one of those 'booster seats' with the removable backs, with the back on it did my son (on yearly visits to g/parents...) until he was 5, since then they have booster seats so it's not been used, but I can't remember what the youngest age is, might be a bit old yet, it's the type you use a normal seat belt with, it doesn't have it's own straps, but if you can find me, you're welcome to it.

OH and well done for getting shot of the complete wanker XP, he sounds VERY like my 11yo DD's father. You're better off without!

CardyMow · 05/12/2009 00:11

Just re-read your post, your DD will still be too dinky for the one I've got, sorry. Offer still stands if anyone with biger/older kids wants it, trying to stop my house from looking like a branch of mothercare now my youngest is 6....

lou33 · 05/12/2009 00:16

i grew up there

Northernlurker · 05/12/2009 00:27

I would be inclined to give him the seat as it is obviously going to cause more trouble than it warrents - all done to him being an arse of course! So I'd give it to him, in fact go and get it from the car now and sit it in your kitchen. Do be careful though because if you happen to be passing with a full milk jug you could drench it and whilst I'm sure you could dry it out by morning so your dd could use it, once it's installed in the wanker's car - or waiting in his house it will really start to smell and being such a useless bastard as he is it would take him ages to work that out. That would be such a shame wouldn't it?

lou33 · 05/12/2009 00:36

prawns under the covering ....

CardyMow · 05/12/2009 00:38

Yeah but if he's a useless git typical man, he'd put OP's DD in it anyway, not particularly nice for her...

Northernlurker · 05/12/2009 00:44

That's the genius of milk as opposed to something actually rotting like prawns - first it's convincing as an accident whereas nobody would ever believe prawns got there by accident would they? But secondly the op's dd won't notice a bit of a whiff very much - it's a terribly annoying smell that sort of creeps up on you and gets all around you. The op's daughter won't be in contact with it long enpough to be bothered but he will.

Not that I'm advocating this course of action of course....

Original poster

sparklefrog · 05/12/2009 08:59

stilldancesonthetable How does your DD get on with yr XP now? After the break? Has he learnt anything?

ChazsBarmyArmy That is very very interesting. I shall have to remember that (if I can). I agree that I will probably struggle to get it back if he takes it. That goes for pretty much everything, once he has it, he rarely returns anything, although he'll tell police he will, and they always seem to take him at his word.

lou33 It remains to be seen whether XP will turn up yet, 10am this morning he should be here, but I'll keep you posted as to what happens.

loudlass That is so very very kind of you.
I think DD is in Stage 1 car seat at the moment, but thank you so much for offering. I am touched by your kindness.

Northernlurker There are a few mnetters who are usually guaranteed to make me laugh, no matter how angry I am. You are one of them.
Thanks for the laugh. Unfortunately, I still haven't got the car seat out of my car, since I'm still not sure he is going to turn up, but there were a few texts last night from him, asking if I am going to be giving him his car seat. I didn't reply.

If he doesn't show, I am going to take DD and go out for the day, but as soon as I can, I will let you all know what happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklefrog · 05/12/2009 11:46

Update: XP didn't turn up. He phoned to ask whether I was going to give him the car seat, which he apparently wanted to borrow just for the day (haha, as if I believe that) since he is getting his own due to be delivered during the week. (Probably more lies)

When I told him what I thought of him and his demands, he decided that he wasn't going to come and pick up DD today (although he apparently misses her like mad ) because he is apparently trying to avoid an argument with me, and then he hung up.

He hasn't showed up, so now DD and I are off out.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklefrog · 05/12/2009 11:47

Just realised how many times I said the word 'apparently' in that post.

Mind you, as far as XP is concerned, everything is apparent.

OP posts:

lou33 · 05/12/2009 16:59

funnily enough this update did not surprise me

ronshar · 05/12/2009 22:48

I would have gone out as well. You dont want him thinking you are waiting around for him to turn up. Poor DD Luckily she is too young to understand yet but the day will come and she will be emotionally damaged by him.
At least she has got you as a fabulous mummy.

Original poster

sparklefrog · 06/12/2009 11:57

ronshar I agree totally. I have tried so hard to explain to him the effect his behaviour is going to have on DD as she gets older and realises that her daddy can't be trusted, nor relied uopn, but it seems to go in one ear and out of the other. He seems to make all the right noises when I explain this to him, but the overwhelming desire to do what is right for just himself is obviously too great.

I have said to XP that in what will seem to be no time at all, DD will be a young woman, and it will be too late for him to make up lost ground. The years when he has been fighting a pointless battle with me, will have also been the yrs that DD has been growing up, and one day, he will wake up, realise he has wasted DD's formative years fighting for nothing, and her opinion of him will have been formed by then, and it will be too late.

Guess who will get the blame from XP and his family then, when DD has a crap relationship with him, when neither of them really know each other??

I wish XP and his family (who are guilty imo of standing by an abusive unreliable liar and thief, as well as a crap father to boot) would wake up, and realise what their actions are doing to DD, and how little time they really have to change the outcome to a much happier one for DD in the long term as well as the short term.

Thanks for the compliment too btw.

OP posts:

ronshar · 07/12/2009 22:16

No probs.
Can you move a bit further away? Just to make it a bit more difficult for him to mess you about.

It is sad that he and his family just dont understand the harm they are doing.

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