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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lose my patience with DP's sleep problem?

41 replies

LadyThompson · 04/12/2009 11:37

Sigh. I already know the answer I think but I need to hear for sure whether I am being the cow that my DP says I am. DP has a sleep problem - it has a name, it is called something like 'hypnogogic hallucinations' - and what it involves is a cross between sleep talking and walking. There isn't really any treatment, other than reduce stress and he has a stressful job. Also, he even gets it on holiday so not sure about the stress link, myself. It usually involves him shouting things out, shaking me, jumping out of bed, having conversations and even laughing. It takes him a while to come to and he is very confused for a while. Last night, for example, he pulled the duvet off me and bellowed "Where are you?" The thing is, I find it really distressing and I always find it really, really hard to get back to sleep afterwards (with pounding heart etc). He thinks I should just put up with it and shouldn't be aggrieved as he can't help it. Well, I know he can't but he never says sorry...as he thinks you should only apologise for things within your control. Short of separate beds, I don't see how this will ever be resolved, but am I unreasonable for getting cross?

OP posts:
katie3677 · 04/12/2009 11:41

YANBU for getting cross about it, but YABU as he can't help it IYSWIM.
DH has a similar problem which involves laughing maniacally, shouting and has even been known to try and strangle me in my sleep. It only happens rarely, but is bloody annoying when it does. There really is no answer LT, now I thought you had housework to do?! x

dandycandyjellybean · 04/12/2009 11:46

If your dp had epilepsy, and had night fits would you expect him to apologise if he thrashed around and inadvertently hurt you, or wet the bed? Sorry, don't think you're being a 'cow' but he has an illness that he has no control over, however difficult that might be for you....however, on a lighter note, go for separate beds, dh and i have separate rooms (initially due to his severe injuries after a motorbike accident). It's blummin fab. I have a king size bed all to myself (unless ds crawls in for a snuggle) and don't have to worry about snoring or disturbing anyone if i can't sleep and read or listen to the radio. We get into each others beds for a snuggle (or whatever) but it's brill to have your own bed. I think everyone should do it!!!

Original poster
LadyThompson · 04/12/2009 11:46

Ah, Katie, you have collared me! Ha. Just having a little rest and a coffee I know I am being unreasonable really but I just HATE the shock of being woken up and how every other girlfrend he has ever had just laughed about it

OP posts:
cruisemum1 · 04/12/2009 11:46

LT - my dh does this kind of thing, rambles on and on, gets out of bed and wanders around house or lies in bed flailing his arms about. It really disturbs my sleep and causes bouts of insomnia in me which is horrendous. Is there nothing he can take for it? Herbal relaxation tablets/prescription medication? It is totally unfair of him to expect you not to be aggrieved - that is plain selfish. You are NOT being a cow - you are just exhausted. I too get the pounding heart thing when my dh disturbs my sleep. Could you suggest separate beds just until you hvae caught up on some sleep. Tell him it is not a reflection of your feelings, just an absolute necessity if you are to get the sleep you so desperately need. hth

Original poster
LadyThompson · 04/12/2009 11:49

Thank you people. We don't have a separate bed for me to use at the moment as we live in his small bachelor pad (unless I climb into DD's cot) - however, we are moving to a much bigger place soon. I think separate beds would upset him. It happens up to four or five times a week at its worst, or sometimes nothing for a month.

OP posts:
dopeydoot · 04/12/2009 11:51

Wasn't there a chap aquitted of murder recently because he had something similar and woke up to find that he'd strangled his wife in his sleep as a result of thinking that she was an intruder?

I don't think yabu - while it is not in his control to do the stuff in the middle of the night, his behaviour the next morning is within his control and, whether he meant to or not, if he has given you a hard time during the night, even if in his sleep, then he should be able to give you a big hug and say that he's sorry that you are having a hard time as a result of his problem.

It just sounds like he isn't being very understanding that this is causing problems and knock on effects for you. And maybe if he was, it would help you to deal with it to.

Original poster
LadyThompson · 04/12/2009 12:01

Yes, I pointed out that case out to him and he went nuts - said I was lacking in tact, unfair etc...I know he can't help it but I do need him to recognise that I find it upsetting, your are right.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/12/2009 12:14

I would have to have separate beds tbh!

He shouldn´t have to apologise as he can´t help it, but he should accept that you might sometimes have to sleep seperately for your own health/sanity/stress levels.

Nancy66 · 04/12/2009 12:21

I couldn't put up with that - would have to have separate beds. I feel sorry for your partner but it can't be doing you much good to be worken in terror several times a week.

cruisemum1 · 04/12/2009 12:26

you are very understanding LT - he is not even trying to understand the impact it has on you.lacking in tact? unfair? that's horrible! You understand that he cannot help it so he must understand that you do not/can not function well on so little sleep esp when it is disturbed. Incindentally, i could never suggest separate beds to mydh - he would take that as 'rejection'. Gets on my tits tbh

Stigaloid · 04/12/2009 12:41

Separate beds and rooms - when DH's snoring gets too much i put him in the spare room. Sleep deprivation and disturbance is one of the higest causes of marital breakdown. It is unfair on you to expect to tolerate an intolerable situation and your DH should be more compassionate about it. Make up the spare bed and sleep in it or make him sleep in it.

cruisemum1 · 04/12/2009 13:27

defo think he is being unreasonable and you are doing all the giving. He needs to show you he cares by letting you sleep, even if that means separate beds until you catch up a bit

NightShoe · 04/12/2009 13:40

I can answer this from both sides as I am both a sleepwalker/talker and so is DH. Even though we both understand completely as we both do the same sort of things, it is still very wearing when you are woken up, especially with such a shock.

When I was in very late pregnancy (about to give birth any day) DH had an episode where he jumped out of the bed and yanked my ankles to get me out of the bed because he thought it was electrified and he was saving me. He wouldn't respond to my shouting because it becomes part of the hallucination, so I made no hesitation in smacking him one. He needed to let me go, he could have caused me serious injury. So yes, whilst I understand what it feels like, there are boundaries and your DH needs to stop being so selfish.

cruisemum1 · 04/12/2009 14:03

blimey nightshoe! What a nightmare! I must admit it does sound very funny though. What a scene! Hope you don't have too many more episodes like that though.

biggirlsdontcry · 04/12/2009 14:26

nightshoe , sorry but that does sound funny ...

belgo · 04/12/2009 14:30

YANBU. If you feel upset and threatened by his behaviour, even though it is caused by a condition, then he needs to get proper treatment for it. He clearly does not understand the effect that his behaviour is having on you.

OrmIrian · 04/12/2009 14:37

No need to lose your patience with him. He can't help it. Just move into a seperate bed. No fuss, no issue.

Original poster
LadyThompson · 04/12/2009 15:11

As I have already said - at the moment, there isn't a separate bed to move into. We live in a one and a half bedroomed flat (the half containing a cot for our baby daughter).

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 04/12/2009 15:14

Could he or you sleep on a mattress on the floor? Regardless of whether he is sympathetic or apologetic you are still going to get woken up whilst you share a bed with him.

BitOfFun · 04/12/2009 15:15

Is there nothing at all that can be done medically? It sounds very stressful for you

I have a bad enough time with my youngest who has night terrors and bites and kicks me, but at least I wake up and go in to her first and don't get woken up to being beaten up!

Original poster
LadyThompson · 04/12/2009 15:22

Er, no space for a mattress, no. I suppose there's the sofa but who wants to sleep on the sofa forever?

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/12/2009 15:23

yy he should see a doctor - if only because of the disrupted sleep which can be dangerous in itself

Original poster
LadyThompson · 04/12/2009 15:29

He HAS seen a doctor - at my insistence. However, the doctor said there is no treatment other than a low dose of anti-depressants, which MAY help or MAY not (which DP does not want to take, which I quite understand: he is not depressed so why take addictive medication for the rest of his life) or reduce stress, which may also help. I think I have just got to put up with it. I know that already, but what I was really asking was whether I was unreasonable to be annoyed by it.

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 04/12/2009 15:30

I would be sleeping in another room.... sorry

msrisotto · 04/12/2009 15:35

There are sleep specialists, he should ask to be referred to one, this isn't a very workable situation to be permanently in!

It isn't fair to expect you to put up and shut up permanently.

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