to lose my patience with DP's sleep problem?

[LadyThompson]

Sigh. I already know the answer I think but I need to hear for sure whether I am being the cow that my DP says I am. DP has a sleep problem - it has a name, it is called something like 'hypnogogic hallucinations' - and what it involves is a cross between sleep talking and walking. There isn't really any treatment, other than reduce stress and he has a stressful job. Also, he even gets it on holiday so not sure about the stress link, myself. It usually involves him shouting things out, shaking me, jumping out of bed, having conversations and even laughing. It takes him a while to come to and he is very confused for a while. Last night, for example, he pulled the duvet off me and bellowed "Where are you?" The thing is, I find it really distressing and I always find it really, really hard to get back to sleep afterwards (with pounding heart etc). He thinks I should just put up with it and shouldn't be aggrieved as he can't help it. Well, I know he can't but he never says sorry...as he thinks you should only apologise for things within your control. Short of separate beds, I don't see how this will ever be resolved, but am I unreasonable for getting cross?

Agree, he needs to go and see a sleep specialist, many of these problems can be treated.

And if anti depressants can work he is unreasonable not to give them a go - him taking tablets is far preferable to you putting up with disturbed and distressing sleep for the rest of your life!

and anti depressants are not necessary addictive medication.

Oh god.. I thought this was just me! Apparently I shout all sorts of rubbish in my sleep, have tried to strangle DP, god knows! Very good reason that I never did co-sleeping!

Luckily it doesn't happen very often but I always feel awful when it does! Was worse while I was prgnant, but almost non existant at the moment (am on citalopram, don't know if that makes a difference)

I also apparently make DP have weird dreams the other night he dreamt that Amy Winobox was in our kitchen and he couldn't get rid of her!

oh, and YANBU.

Poor you an Dh.

I think separate beds is a must as he could end up hurting you.

I also think he should be sympathetic to you. My dh always apologises if he hurt me (of corse not meaning to) or upset me. This is because he loves and respects me.
If you trod on his toe by mistake or such like I'm sure you would say sorry and ask if he was ok so I dont understand him on that score tbh.

Hope Drs find some way to help him or maybe try some alternative stuff, might be worth a go.

You need to get him to ask his GP to refer him to a sleep specialist. And low doses of ADs would be worth it in terms of improved quality of life, I'd have thought. Good quality sleep is so important.

YANBU

what about hypnotherapy or relaxation methods to help him relax before bed?

LT - I echo all who say taht he needs to get some help to sort it - for you both! Hope you have had at least a couple fo good nights sleep. Lack of sleep is utterly horrendous.

It's not the same thing at all, but my dp sleeps well but lightly. I am likely to wake up several times might and then be up for the day very early. If I was on my own, I would just put the light on to read whenever I wanted to, and get up whenever I wanted to. But I don't, because it's not fair on dp. I get up quietly and resd/doze in the livingroom or sleep in the spare room. It's the responsibility of the person who is likely to disturb to sort themselves out, not the responsibiity of the disturbed person!

Oh dear. I sympathise! I think perhaps the seperate bed things might be a good idea. Maybe not every night but perhaps if you have a busy day ahead. Does he go through periods of suffering every night for a while then not for a while or is it totally random? YANBU to be annoyed but then he can't help it I guess.

I have a few sleep issues. When I was a child I would talk in my sleep loads. I also have a memory of being in a hotel in Germany aged about two years old and my mum woke me up when I was sleep walking.

As I have got older I have talked less frequently. My DP who has his own sleep issues (really struggles to get to sleep and then can not wake up in the morning. His alarm clock is one that goes on constantly until it is switched off and he has on several occassions slept through it for several hours!), finds it quite entertaining when I do as I will hold conversations with him.

Although his problems are very different from your DH's, they are still really annoying. He really struggles to wake up. I can talk to him constantly for half an hour and he will stay asleep and have no recollection of it all!

I also had quite a scary incident about a year ago myself. I was having my nephews to stay and meeting my sister at a service station half way between hers and mine. I was collecting them on the Friday and knew I was going to have a busy day that day and had to get away from work on time so went to bed early on Thursday. I had been asleep or about 2 hours when I sat up in a panic and was convinced that I had forgotten to go and meet them. My heart was racing. I remember looking at the clock and it was about midnight. In my mind I thought I was six hours late to meet them. In reality I was meeting them at 6pm the following night! I got up, started to get dressed and was about to look for my car keys so I could get in the car to go and meet them. Then the logical part of me said that they wouldn't still be there six hours later so I called my sister and screamed down the phone 'What's happened?!?'. She had been asleep and her response was 'what do you mean what's happened'. At that point I woke up/snapped out of it and realised what had happened. It was so scary though - until that point and even though I can remember it all now, it was like I had no control of what was going on and was totally convinced by what I believed in my sleep. I was actually about to go and get in the car and attempt to drive 40 miles!

Sorry - not really relevant to your story at all but I just remember how un-nerving it was when that happened to me. It all felt so real. I guess it must be difficult for your husband too but scary for you as well!

seperate beds - I have this sleep problem and it would upset me no end to think my partner was cross with me because of a health condition that i can't help.

There are things that can be done medically and his Gp probably doesn't know about them! I pretty much have to educate my GP myself. Tell him to try for a referal to a sleep/ neurology specialist.

gah sorry - reread my post - I meant that seperate beds are a GOOD thing!

I think he should apologise - and I think he has a responsibility to try and deal with his stress - hypnotherapy/ relaxation would be a good idea. I think my attitude would hinge on whether or not he was doing all he could do to manage this. One trip to the dr would not cut it for me.

I would probably make a chart as well - see whats going on in your life when he has these episodes.

YANBU. I really don't understand this idea that you shouldn't apologise for things that are not within your control. Snoring is pretty hard to control too - when my DH snores loud enough to wake me, I nudge him, whisper "You're snoring again.", he whispers back "Sorry.", turns over and stops snoring (and vice versa ). I've apologised in the street to someone who bumped into me, FGS! Of course your DP should apologise - not for his condition, but for disturbing your sleep and affecting your health (it's pretty well established that sleep is essential to good overall health). That he gets in a strop about making this small considerate gesture to you suggests he is in some sort of denial about his condition - trying to sweep its effects under the carpet.

He has a medical condition which he made no attempt to treat until you insisted. He refuses to consider a treatment suggested by a doctor. Antidepressants are like many other drugs, they can treat different things at different doses. ADs can also be used for chronic pain relief, and can be effective whether the patient is depressed or not.
I presume you would have mentioned if he were taking any steps to reduce his stress levels or otherwise manage them, so again he is not taking responsibility for his condition.

I would suggest he asks to be referred to a sleep specialist, but in the interim to consider taking the ADs. When you move (how soon?) I would suggest not only separate beds but separate rooms if at all possible. This is not a snub to your DP but you need to sleep and he really needs to acknowledge that fact. Many couples live happily like that - if my and DH's snoring gets any worse I will definitely be considering it.

And finally he needs to realise that he is being very selfish in expecting you just to endure this disturbance to your sleep, stop being so childish and take responsibility for his condition, which includes minimising its impact on all of you.

Thank you for all these responses. I am not sure when we are moving as we are renovating a house and not sure how long it's going to take.

I think I will note when these disturbances take place as suggested, and maybe consider persuading him to go to a sleep specialist in the new year.

WineonaFriday - that is an unnerving sounding episode and I can imagine my DP doing something similar!