In thinking my daughter deserves a much better mummy than me?

[rollonbedtime]

Hi, I have namechanged, as I'm to embarassed to let you know who I am.
I have a daughter who will be 5 in March. She has verbal dyspraxia and is delayed by one year in all areas of her development. I do think that in some ways she's quite bright though. She is extreamly talkative and appears very bright. She is also the most loving, caring little girl you could meet.
I often find myself getting irritated by her lack of understanding though. Sometimes I think, Oh for crying out loud, why don't you get this simple idea? Sometimes I don't know how to explain something to her, as the question just dosn't make sence.
I really want to do my best to help her to learn, but often feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. What I say, often dosn't seem to register with her.
I find it harder sometimes because she is so confident and talkative, I'm always trying to keep up with what she's saying.
I know it will harm her confidence if I say "I'm sorry, I don't have a clue what you're talking about". I just wish I had more patience, and knew how to answer her obscure questions in a way that would help her to make sence of things. I often hear myself saying "o.k T, just calm down" which is a polite way of me saying, just shut up for two minutes please.
I love her more than life it's self, and feel very disapointed in myself that I'm not always the fantastic mummy that she deserves.

Very un-MN but heres a big hug! Im afraid guilt comes into your life the minute your waters break!
Im sure you are a fab mummy, feelin the way you do is normal. Hell, I was convinced my son would be better with someone else as I had him so prematurely I beat myself up for failing at pregnancy!
Go give you daughter a big sloppy kiss on her squidgy cheek and remind yourself that she only wants you as her mummy.

Don't beat yourself up. You actually sound very patient (and very loving), have you ever thought that maybe you are patient and helpful, it's just because you can hear your own internal monologue (eg, of please shut up just for two minutes)and you feel you aren't being, iyswim? Not sure if that makes sense, and I really do believe that lots of love is what she needs, and sounds as if she is getting, rather than carefully considered answers!

awww rollon you sound like a lovely mummy and your daughter is lucky to have a kind and caring mum like you. Most of us do think in that way, my dd had colic and my patience was dreadful i had to walk out of the room and shut the door, i have shouted at her at times and have sometimes smacked her when she is having a tantrum, though not anymore as i was eaten up by guilt. I think that more or less everyday that my dd could have a much better mum than me, but then a big smile and a hug and big sloppy kisses from her reassures me that i am not too bad, she is 2.9 year btw.

Sorry you are feeling so bad, rollon.

Noone has perfect patience all the time. I frequently lose it with my 3 yr old and I am not alone. The guilt is awful though. I am hormonal atm (pg) and have shed many tears lately over the shouting I have done at poor ds when he really hasn't deserved it at all.

I know nothing about dyspraxia, but I can imagine it is frustrating when you and your daughter have difficulty communicating. "just calm down" seems a very reasonable thing to say when frustrated. Much more measured than I manage at times.

DO you have family/partner around to support you and to share your frustrations with?

I know it is trite, but I am sure your daughter loves her Mummy very much, imperfect though we all are.

I have had a bit of a revelation of late. Had been getting ratty with DCs and needed to do something different. Started telling them how I feel, as in 'I'm really sorry, but I can't listen to you at the moment. I need a few minutes of peace and quiet before I will be able to.' When I can do it from the right place i.e. before I'm irritated (bloody hard as tend to try to be overly patient until I am really hacked off) it works fantastically well. DCs wander off and do something else.

That said, if I do it through clenched teeth it all goes pear-shaped!!

Honesty really is the best policy.

aah thank you, sniff! I do try to be patient, but I think she can tell when I'm stressed. She asks me if I'm o.k.
I think I'm the kind of person who needs time to think and reflect. I don't do well under pressure.

Don't be daft. You'd feel the same if your child didn't have a disability.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I sometimes use the "I'm just going to make a coffee" line. It does help.
My husband is hear some evenings, and he takes over the nice stuff like reading in bed, playing games etc. As soon as she messes herself or becomes too excited, it's over to mummy. He'll then say "I've been with her for x amount of time."
I do find it easier when we're both hear though, even if he dosn' help. It's someone for me to talk to.

thanks 2children, I suppose I feel worse because she has a disability and needs more understanding. I suppose feeling guilty, shows we care. My daughter has a friend the same age who is highly intelligent, but she drives me mad! She is very demanding and procosious saying things like "Why do you have toy flowers?, my mummy dosn't like them, we only have real flowers in our house". It could be a lot worse.

DD has speech problems and isn't always the easiest to understand. I too feel guilty for not understanding her and she gets so upset when I don't. What I have found works best - and was recommended by SALT - is to say, "Silly me, my ears aren't working properly today, can you show me". Of course I then go and bang my head against a wall out of her sight.

Take it easy on yourself and remember that she knows you love her and are trying.

hey, none of us are always the fantastic mother our kids deserve! we all have our moments trust me

and you know, a lot of the things you describe are tyhings that ALL nearly 5 year olds do, not just yours, so try not to get too caught up thinking that it's all down to developmental delays etc, cos i imagine that can get you down a lot

sometiems ds1 asks me stuff and i just think "not now, ds, just go away and don't make me think about it"
but of course i don't say that, i just say, mama needs a bit of a rest for a moment, let me think about that and tell you in a minuet.

it';s ok to let her know that you don't have all the answers, and it's ok to ask her to explain things you don't understand. I think it's important that children know that we sometimes have trouble working stuff out too

cos be9ing a mum is hard

We tried this, but usually what she's saying is so abstract, she can't show us. It could be something like " my friends called sophie and that's why I like her because she my friend." She often finnishes a long sentence with "do you understand me?, say yes or no". She sounds like a school teacher sometimes.

Thank you. I'm glad other children of this age do it too.
We have recently had a meeting to discuss my daughters speech and development, with everyone who acessed her. It was such a negative experience for me, as I guess, I wanted to believe it's just her speech and that she was very intelligent, but couldn't express it.
I guess when I see how she dosn't understand simple things, I kind of think, come one, you can do it. Don't prove them right.
I know what a star she is. She's confident to recite a poem in front of the class, she can count to 10 in french and she knows so many songs word for word, but she can't understand pronouns, and has no concept of time and can't do a 4 piece puzzel on her own.

you overlook all the beautiful and positive things you have said about your dd,your love for her shines through

and parental love is naturally full of up's and down.and my god haven't you had yours

please dont be so harsh on self

dont persecute self to be perfect good enough mother is ok

but remember, all children get things differently.
so what if she can't do a puzzle alone, she can do all those other things that i bet a lot of children her age can't/wouldn't do

you know ds1 also does that "do you understand me mummy?" and sometimes i say yes, and sometimes i say "actually, do you know what ds1? i really, really don't!"
at which he normally laughs. (he does talk an awful lot of twaddle though)

she'll get there i am sure, she's just taking her time :-)
and although it's hard having the negative parts pointed out i suppose at least it gives you the starting blocks for helping her where she is struggling, so maybe try and see it like that? it can only get better from there

Thanks Scottishmummy. I feel very re-assured by all of you. I've just been in to see her sleeping. She looks like a little angel.
I always look forward to seing her after school, but I find that
When she comes home some days she's so hyperactive and demanding, I can't help but think "roll on bedtime", but once she's asleep, she looks so gergeous and baby soft, I want to wake her up to cuddle her.

When she's at home, she constantly roll plays. She's usually one of her teachers, and I have to be all the children in the class. If I'm "making a coffee" She'll still carry on being the teacher and her dolls will become the class.
It can actually be very insightful seing how she portrays each teacher.

Aw bless, she sounds lovely and so do you! I have to tell you, every day in work someone tells me I'm very patient and think "if only you knew what was going through my head!" You have to remember that patience is a behaviour, not a mindset and that if you act patient, then you are patient.
My ds2 has dyspraxia and I have to tell you there are times when I have lost patience with his slowness to do things and his messiness even though it's not his fault and he tries so hard!
Oh, and puzzles are overrated!

Thank you. You're right about the puzzles.

One of the mums in my daughters class who knows about her problems gave me a big floor puzzle for my daughter, that hers had grown out of. I explained that she found them hard and she rplied "It is an easy one, it says 18 months on the box".
I said "Thank you, we'll give it a go".
We did give it a go, never again!

I think I do a good job of appearing patient, but sometimes it's obvious to her that I'm stressed. After she'd wet herself, all through her freshly washed uniform, minutes after being reminded to go to the toilet. That was probubly the last straw, I lost my temper a bit and said "Oh for christ's sake B, why don't you do as you're told for once".
She was quiet for a moment while I stomped around, banging cupbourds looking for wipes and clean clothes, then she pipped up "mummy, do you need a coffee?"
It actually made me smile a bit, and calmed me down.

18 years with DS1 who is ASD and the guilt is still there. Everyone says "you're so good with him" but they don't hear me snapping irritably when I've told him the same thing 3 times and he still doesn't get it. The only reassurance I can offer is that DS2 and DS3 are not disabled and I feel just as guilty about what a crap mum I am to them too.

DS1 only talks about the things he is interested in, wildlife, movies and sometimes it is so boring I want to scream..... But he is gentle and loving and unlike some 18 year olds he doesn't drink or stay out late or smoke and I love him to death.

Rollon, imo, you sound like a wonderful loving mum, you are both lucky to have one another!
I empathise very much. Ds drives me crazy at times and I'm horrified when I hear how impatient I can be but what can you do? We just have to do our best.

Actually if we felt more confident as mothers, and didn't beat ourselves up with unrealistic cultural expectations of perfect maternal serenity - then we would be more loving and more patient! Just my own view!

Take care and big hug

She sounds absolutely brilliant, and so do you. Just remember that 90% of your exasperation is internal and not even transmitted to her so do let yourself off the hook a bit more. And looking at the big picture, it does her no harm whatsoever to know that sometimes you're irritated or whatever. Kids have to experience that so they know where boundaries are and so they know that you are a person with your own feelings and not just their adoring parent.

I just try to remember that above all I keep faith in my son - keep strongly believing in him despite little outward sign of progress. All he actually has to do is be himself. That's enough for me. The rest is just a bonus if and when he gets there. It's so easy when you see other children excelling, and you can see the parents enjoying that sense of pride, to get drawn into wanting that. I just remind myself I have that every day just because I'm lucky to have my boy. And I'm sure you're just the same about your girl, just keep holding on to that.

Good luck. Personally I don't think you can go far wrong as she sounds a fantastic little character and you sound so tuned in to her. x

I'm pretty sure I know your "usual" name on here and I don't think anyone could be more caring and careful of all aspects of your daughter's life. Give yourself a break - with two dyslexic kids I have at times ended up in tears of frustration in front of them Parenting isn't easy - all we can do is our best.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I have a dyslexic son- both my husband & I love reading & it´s just really hard to understand.

Why can´t he recognise a word that he´s only just blöödy well read!

Oh, and it was more than likely prematurity that caused it-oh the guilt.