To be really resentful that this is the thing that is bringing me down?

[chegirlwithbellson]

Ok tell me to suck it up and stop being a wuss. Its fine (just be gentle).

This is a whinge - a big one. I may even indulge in some feeling sorry for myself. Let me get it off my chest and I promise to stop it.

Me and OH have been through such a load of toss in the last few years. Started with my DS getting cancer (better now thank God), lost my dad, 3 neieces (on OH's side), OH diagnosed with MS, our lovely boy was placed with us on an emergency family foster placement and we went through absolute horribliness never knowing if he was going to stay with us or go back to birth mum, putting up with her agression and abuse towards us, trying to meet his needs etc blah blah, being assessed for adoption. Then came the worst worst worst. My beautiful girl was dx with luekemia and 2 years of torture watching her suffer so much before we lost her. Our family fractured as me and her were away from the others for most of the two years.

Trying to live without her and bring up our boys has been really hard but we have done it. We get on. Apart from the loss of my darling girl, we actually consider ourselves lucky in so many ways. We get by.

Heres the thing. DS (the one we fostered and adopted) has learning difficulties. He is very behind at school and is not going to catch up. I have always been really open with the school, stayed involved, provided them with info etc. DS has had hundreds of appts since he was little. He has gone to almost every single one (even when DD was ill). I trusted the school to work with me and work for him.

I have come to the end of my tether with them. They have not kept up their side of the bargain. I had a meeting this week and when I politely expressed my concerns I was met with defensive point scoring unprofessionalism. I really had to stand my ground. They put me down and questioned my commitment to my boy.

I feel so utterly defeated by life at the moment. I am so angry that this seems to be the final straw (sorry bit dramatic). After everything that has happened it seems pathetic that this is what is causing me so much grief.

On paper it looks so simple. He has a clear and recognised delay. The policies and procedures are all there, there is no argument that he requires and meets the threshold for help BUT nothing has happened and I am now imbroiled in some horrible row with those who are supposed to help.

I know what I need to do and I am doing it. But AIBU for NOT WANTING TO DO IT!? I just dont. I want it to happen, I want other people to do it. I want to just be with my kids and look forward to my new baby.

I also feel I have badly let down DS by not achieving more for him.

FFS.

Sorry long and wussy. But its out now.

Oh come on, as if anyone could tell you to suck it up? You have faced more adversity in a few years than most people face in their entire lives! I don't have anything helpful to say, I'm a bit useless. But YA definitely NBU. And you are not a wuss. You are super-tough.

I've never done this before on MN, but can I give you a....... ((hug))?

Aww Chegirl.

Reading your post I can't imagine how you are still functioning at all.!!!

Poor ds.What are you doing,are you changing his school?

Good luck with your new baby.

No wise words,have you tried appeals and SENDIST etc and the other sn appeal body whose acronym escapes me???

I am still blown away by what you have gone through after reading your OP

No wise words,I'm afraid but a big unmumsnettly {{{{hug}}}}

I am so sorry for what you have been through.

Give yourself a break. You are not wussy and you are not letting your DS down.You sound like an incredibly strong women who just needs some time out to try and enjoy christmas and her family. Perhaps you should step back slightly from the issues at school, at least until the new year. Have a rest and come back to with a renewed enthusiasm for not taking bullshit.

II'm sure other, more helpful people will be along shortly but just wanted to give moral support.

How dreadful for you.

With regards to your son, the first thing to do is to log your concerns officially.,This is the only way you will get action.

Find out where your Parent partnership/Special needs Advisory Project is 9one attached to every LEA) then get yourself down there and tell your story.They shall guide you through the necessary process.

I can't imagine anyone telling you to suck it up. I want to mirror exactly what InMyLittleHead said.

You have not let anyone down, let alone DS.

I can't offer any advice I am afraid (I am crap at it) but here to show moral support.

And I am going to give my first un-MN (((hug)))

Do you have anyone who could help you re ds and his education? SENCO or SW or suchlike?

Have dd with MLD and chronically ill dp and have found that ss have been helpful on occasion,though I hate being "beholden" to them,but if they have someone who can help,act as advocate and it takes the pressure off?

(I am still reeling from your description of what has gone on over past few years,you must be an incredibly strong person)

Thank you. I dont mind sucking it up. TBH its better than the alternative.

I am so pissed off that stupid bloody people can have such an affect on me. You wouldve thought I would be able to let it go over my head.

I wanted to scream at them during that meeting 'My dd died you knobs! Do you think I want to deal with this bollox!!!' but I would have seemed mental and so I couldnt. I spend a lot of time not saying and doing the things I feel like doing (dont we all?)

I am changing his school but feel crap about it. DS doesnt deal with change well (problem for lots of adopted/fostered kids). I hate the fact I am going to have to put him through it but dont feel I can do anything else. Also means I have to tell more people about our business and we will appear to be a tragic problem family in need of 'help'.

The hugs are nice but dont tell anyone shhhh.

Chegirl
I don't know what to say... you have been through so much.
Can I just say that I felt mainstream let my DD (also adopted with LD)down badly. She has been in a special school for 3 yrs now and her progress has been amazing. I was a little scared that such progress would mean that she would be put back in mainstream but her headteacher has assured me that, unless we or she asks for it, she is welcome to stay.
She has so many friends now and participates in lots of activities that just wouldn't have been available to her before because of staff ratios and funding.
Her LD are moderate and her behaviour issues are sporadic depending on how secure she feels. The school are fabulous both educationally and socially/emotionally.The support we have had as a family is amazing.
You said your son is on the threshold for help... he may not be as delayed as DD was.
I hope you get the support you need. Have you asked your post adoption team for any help?
Will be thinking of you.... keep venting, it always helps me. X

God. That is just awful what you have had to deal with. Every bit of it. IMO you have every right to feel sorry for yourself but good on you for not!

I can only imagine that people just being shit at the school for ds is the final straw. They only have to do their jobs ffs! I dont have any useful advice or experience in this sort of thing but really hope the school move works out ok and not too stressful for all concerned.

DS wouldnt get a place at a special school. His LD is mild but he has auditory processing disorder. He has global learning delay. He will get a statement but not one with funding. Suprise suprise school not applied for one (I have now).

Post adoption are supportive. I am so fed up of having to ask for help. Just bloody wish life was simple.

I am going to sound really cheesy now but I really do not ask for much. We have enough to live on. Our income is low due to restrictions OH's disability and DS's issues place on our working hours. But we have enough. We generally just tick along taking each day as it comes.

I have 3 beautiful boys, a lovely OH, family, friends. I even have a teeny little dog who loves me. I am lucky that I have easy pregnancies (fingers crossed) and managed to get pg at 42! We have a little house bought just before OH was dx, a car, I have a wonderful part time job.

I cant say I am 'happy' because I can never be properly happy again. But I am ok IYSWIM. I am not unhappy if that makes sense.

I think we just dont have many resources to call upon when things get difficult. So pisses me off when someone steps into our lives and screws things up. grrrrr.

So sorry Chegirl you have to deal with this crap.

I agree with everybody else, you aren't a wuss nor should anybody tell you to suck it up. I would have buckled under everything you have had to deal with but you are still here and upright. You are allowed to feel angry with these people.

I have no idea what you can do but it struck me that maybe you shouldn't stop yourself from telling these people how it really is. Maybe screaming would be a bad idea but presenting the facts in a cool hard voice might do the job. They need to remember the bigger picture.

I wouldn't let them get away with this crap. I would be writing a letter to the governors and the LEA about the way you have been treated, even if you are leaving the school. You shouldn't be treated this way (and nor should any other family who come after you although I appreciate you don't need to be fighting anybody else's corner either). Plus it might make you feel better to have made your point. Well it would me anyway!

Re what Shockerws said re special school.I do not know your ds condition or the severity of his delays but with dd after the shock of realising the depth of her sn I decided that a sn school was her best option(She is in pre school there) and shehas thrived and is very happy.As I have said I don't know if this is an option you would consider (dd has full statement) but if your dc is on an IEP an doesn't get full funding obv this is a different scenario.

Good luck xxx

sorry,was writing then saw post re where ds was at re education.That is a bummer.

Can you approach the people Moondog suggested?

I have a plan. I will be implementing it

I have filled in transfer form. I am filling in statement forms this weekend (due in next week). Once I have a place at new school I will be writing a full and frank letter of complaint to LEA. It always makes me feel better to write a letter. My DD used to egg me on when someone had peed me off 'go on mum write them one of your letters'.

There is treatment for DS's conditon but its not available on NHS. His NHS consultant has recommended it but so far school and child develoment team have stuck their fingers in their ears and gone 'la la la not listening'.

Brick walls loom ahead.

Ed Pysch's report due soon and that should give us more idea of DS's cognitive ability. I know its a lable but you cant seem to get anywhere without some sort of definition.

DS's teacher told me they probably wouldnt enter him for SATS as its not worth it. Are they allowed to do that? I thought SATs were supposed to be a true picture of the school, nt selective.

You're doing the right things for the right reasons, despite the hell you've been through. In my book that makes you one incredibly brave, strong and selfless lady.

The current school doesn't deserve your family if it can act as it has so sod them. No, you shouldn't have to go through this crap and they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Just try to focus on the future and how proud you'll be of yourself and your little lad when it all works out, because with a mum as determined as you I'm sure it will.

Wishing you and yours all the very best.

Have been in touch with Parent Partnership.

It seems that just about everyone has problems like these (re SEN). WTF is that about?

valhalla that is lovely but I am really not selfless . Not by a bloody mile!

Ta though.

Thanks to everyone. It helps. It helps just to be able to go arrrrggggghh and people listen.

We all have crap to deal with. Every one of us.

A word of warning - afaik a complaint will not be entertained if the child is no longer at the school (or at least thats how it works in my county). This might be worth checking before you put yourself through the stress and time-consuming process of writing one about your DS's current school after he has left.

I'm all for standing my ground and would also complain (am doing so to DDs school about similar refusals to act on their part), but in your case I'd have to say please consider whether you really want the upset of going through it all if your lad is not going to be at the damned place soon anyway.

Chegirl - oh yes you are selfless! By bloody miles so don't you dare put yourself down Missus! Your family wouldn't be together still if you weren't... the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world and all that!

Good for you.

I think it is admirable you are doing this.My df has a ds with an undx disorder (felt prob to be on autistic spectrum but not all traits add up.LA have been shite but thankfully very lovely school have been v.supportive andhave put in adequate teaching provision 1:1 from own budget).From reading the sn threads it is such a postcode lottery.I hope that you get somewherewith it all.

Is Ed Psych good.Of all the profs who saw dd was least impressed with ES who in my mind was a bit doolally to say the least.Hopefully will write appropriate report.

Re Sats,unsure,hopefully MD still eaading thread asa ppears to have lots of knowledge and canhelp.

Good point Valhala.

I think I am aware that it wont really do much good but it is a way of getting (sorry for this word) closure.

Bit cowardly I suppose but once its written down, stamped and sent off I find I can often move away from the situation.

But - yes, its worth thinking about whether its really worth the hassle.

Know exactly what you mean, good luck whatever you choose to do Chegirl.

I am off to bed. Thanks to all of you for posting.

I fricking love MNs (mostly).

I will be back tommorow.

Thanks again.

Night,Chegirl.Good luck xx