To be really resentful that this is the thing that is bringing me down?

[chegirlwithbellson]

Ok tell me to suck it up and stop being a wuss. Its fine (just be gentle).

This is a whinge - a big one. I may even indulge in some feeling sorry for myself. Let me get it off my chest and I promise to stop it.

Me and OH have been through such a load of toss in the last few years. Started with my DS getting cancer (better now thank God), lost my dad, 3 neieces (on OH's side), OH diagnosed with MS, our lovely boy was placed with us on an emergency family foster placement and we went through absolute horribliness never knowing if he was going to stay with us or go back to birth mum, putting up with her agression and abuse towards us, trying to meet his needs etc blah blah, being assessed for adoption. Then came the worst worst worst. My beautiful girl was dx with luekemia and 2 years of torture watching her suffer so much before we lost her. Our family fractured as me and her were away from the others for most of the two years.

Trying to live without her and bring up our boys has been really hard but we have done it. We get on. Apart from the loss of my darling girl, we actually consider ourselves lucky in so many ways. We get by.

Heres the thing. DS (the one we fostered and adopted) has learning difficulties. He is very behind at school and is not going to catch up. I have always been really open with the school, stayed involved, provided them with info etc. DS has had hundreds of appts since he was little. He has gone to almost every single one (even when DD was ill). I trusted the school to work with me and work for him.

I have come to the end of my tether with them. They have not kept up their side of the bargain. I had a meeting this week and when I politely expressed my concerns I was met with defensive point scoring unprofessionalism. I really had to stand my ground. They put me down and questioned my commitment to my boy.

I feel so utterly defeated by life at the moment. I am so angry that this seems to be the final straw (sorry bit dramatic). After everything that has happened it seems pathetic that this is what is causing me so much grief.

On paper it looks so simple. He has a clear and recognised delay. The policies and procedures are all there, there is no argument that he requires and meets the threshold for help BUT nothing has happened and I am now imbroiled in some horrible row with those who are supposed to help.

I know what I need to do and I am doing it. But AIBU for NOT WANTING TO DO IT!? I just dont. I want it to happen, I want other people to do it. I want to just be with my kids and look forward to my new baby.

I also feel I have badly let down DS by not achieving more for him.

FFS.

Sorry long and wussy. But its out now.

Oh chegirl, what a huge load you have had to deal with. You really are amazing.

re the school- are you in touch with the SEN governor? Do they have one? I am our school's and just thought of it as another option, I know if someone at our school came to me and told me your story I would be sympathetic and would look into a complaint against whoever at the school.

Slight aside- how's the pg and how far are you now? I am also pg (13wks) and still sick as a dog!

chegirl - I am so so sorry. Life is so unfair sometimes

No advice but no YANBU. You must be amazing to still be doing what you are doing and fighting so hard.

CheGirl, I think you are awesome, to have been through and dealing with so so much.

Have only been able to skim, but you suggest you are thinking of changing schools for your DS.

I made that decision for DD, partly based on DS's experiences at the school that they were both at. I have to say it was one of the best things that I have done. DD is overall happier and she also connects to the fact that I am more at ease because there isn't a constant stream of issues to deal with.

Take a quiet moment and listen to your instincts, because they will 99% be right. Life IS challenging and yet it shouldn't have to be a constant battle and the school should be supportive of you, and if you NEED to point out what you have been through, they are missing the point. I was pleased and relieved when the daily run to schoool didn't include a stream of issues that needed dealing with, and I am not super fussy, or 'precious', these were basic issues that I wasn't prepared to let affect my DC's education and emotional welfare anymore. They only get one childhood, and it deserves to be the best that the system can provide for them, especially in your situation where DS has SN.

Keep on keeping on and I wish you a break from it all as soon as life allows.

Oh chegirl, you know I think you're amazing and I am gutted that you have all had to go through such a lot of shit. I have no useful practical words re. your DS's situation (certainly nothing like all the great stuff experienced people have posted already), but with respect to this being the unexpected last straw, I've found similar things happening to me over really random stuff.

As you yourself have said elsewhere, dealing with a terminally ill loved one catastrophises you, it changes your mental settings so that you feel able to manage a particular situation at peak efficiency even though every second is killing you. The expectation that you will have to deal with similar situations again is always there. But this isn't a lightning-bolt-from-nowhere epic terror, it's a grindingly everyday case of people not doing their cocking job properly/at all. It's a situation that can be helped by human agency, but isn't being helped because people are shit.

This probably isn't coming out very well. But as a parallel example, I find relatively tiny dealings with e.g. members of my family have a disproportionately huge impact on my stress levels. Like you, I mostly consider myself to be incredibly lucky despite the crap stuff that has happened. It's just the little things that tip me over the edge, and I'm sure it's because of the changes that dealing with a catastrophic illness has made to my psyche.

I hope this all makes sense, and more importantly I hope you get to enjoy Christmas with your lovely family and the baby-to-be.

Thank you so much for your posts.

sauce I am 22 weeks on Sat. I felt like holy crap for the first 13-14 weeks but great since. There is hope

Kissing thanks for that. I think its time to move. Even if the new school is not wonderful, at least I can start fresh and assert myself better from the beginning.

cyteen makes perfect sense plus people not 'doing their cocking job properly' made me larf!

Riven I know, I know, time to breath and regroup. Get this paperwork out of the way and I will.

I am not amazing - really. I didnt choose all this. It was thrown at me and I would bet that everyone of you would get on with it the same as me if you had to. You just would.

I think the advice to step back a bit is good. I am going to get the transfer letter off, sort out the statement application and then just leave it to the new year. Nothing will happen till then anyway.

I was speaking to someone at work today. She definately knows the score. I wont say what she does because I wouldnt want to id her in anyway but she is better qualified than stinky senco at DS's school

She confirmed he was talking bollox. He was adament that they could not put anymore support in for DS because he didnt have a statement. I questioned that. He asked me to produce a list 'of all these schools that provide one to one without a statement' how professional .

I pointed out that even when DS got his statement it wouldnt bring any extra money so why would they then be able to provide resources that were impossible now?

He didnt answer.

Woman at work confirmed that they absolutly could provide support before statement. She also told me that they couldnt withdraw him from SATs without my permission. The only real reason for doing so would be to protect their league tables.

Can only conclude that SENCO is waiting to be forced by statement to provide support.

WTF is that about.

Getting wound up again now. Silly moo.

Got a letter this pm saying tommorow is non uniform day but only if we can provide something for school fete . Nice notice huh? Indicative of their communication as a whole.

Off to find a.bottle of wine, b.new toy or book c. box of chocolates as per request or DS will have to go in uniform tommorow.

I really appreciate every person who has taken the time to post on this thread. I have read and taken in everything you have said.

Ta