Do you think this is an appropriate response to the verbal attack I was subjected to at school t'other day?

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

I was involved in a horrible altercation with a teaching assistant at school last week.

I owe the after school club money from several months earlier this year when I was struggling and couldn't pay. At the time, I went straight to the head to explain my problem, he was fine, agreed that I should set up a standing order to pay a bit extra each month until things improved. He was quite happy with this, and when I spoke to him again about it recently, confirmed that he still is.

I rang the TA at after school club last week to ask whether they could write to Housing benefit for me, just to confirm what ASC costs, as apparently HB can include this in the claim, and then obviously I can pay more money to school and clear the arrears more quickly.

Well, for some reason that i still don't understand, this woman started laying into me, accusing me of still not paying (said that they are not receiving the standing order, but I have since checked and they definitely are). She accused me of lying, of failing to communicate with them when DD is going elsewhere (knowing full well that I have, as on the first occasion we told both her and the class teacher, on the second I told her personally and watched as she wrote it down). She then bought up the fact that DD has dancing lessons, paid for by her grand parents, and said that in her view the grand parents should be paying the school instead. All of this delivered in a very aggressive, accusatory manner, dismissing my responses and explanations, speaking or shouting over me etc. This went on for about half an hour and was very, very upsetting. I was extremely shaken for quite a while afterwards, and was still crying the next day when I went into school.

I spoke to one of the governers (who is a friend of ours anyway), and also to the head. He said that he considered it a disciplinary matter, would write to me to apologise on behalf of the school, and would get her to write to me.

He rang me yesterday and said that he would be meeting with the TA in the afternoon, and would "give her a verbal discipline" (not entirely sure what that means), but also that he had decided to cut my childcare bill in half, as a gesture of goodwill.

On the one hand, it's wonderful, on the other, the money isn't the point, it was about the way in which she spoke to me. Even if I had been guilty of what she ws accusing me off, it would still have been out of order.

I have long suspected that the head is someone who likes to keep everyone happy and doesn't really deal with things properly. I dont want to see this woman's head on a plate (she has previously been very supportive to DD and is popular with all the children) but I do want her to know that her behaviour was unacceptable. I don't know whether he's asked her to apologise or not, and I'm not sure that compensating me financially gives the right message. It also means the school will ultimately lose out on money which i have every intention of paying them. But I'm not ungrateful either.

I really don't know what to the think about all this - please help me get my thoughts in order!

It sounds as if the school are doing what they can to recitify the situation. The verbal discipline is serious, it goes on her record.

They have cut your bill in half, I think they are beding over backwards to help you. She was out of order most definiately but not sure what else you want them to do about it apart from give her the sack?

So, they head is verbally disciplining the TA concerned and cutting your bill in half but you're still not happy?

Would you prefer they take the TA out and stone her in the playground?

I can see what you mean - the school are apologising when it should be her, personally, as her attack was personal on you? It's as though they're absorbing it for her

What a horrible situation, she was definitely out of order from what you say.

A verbal warning is a serious and procdure-led HR matter. As far as I know from my experience, it will go onto her HR file for a number of years. It's usually what you get for a first transgression and is one step down from a written warning. She's not getting off lightly, and it is being taken seriously.

I think that the head is being very good to give you a discount, and I would accept with good grace and leave it at that.

He's said that he'll get her to write to you, which would presumambly be an apology. Will you be ok seeing this woman in future?

Oh no I definintely don't want her to get the sack. That would be daft, she's very good with the kids for a start.

I was just suprised, I suppose. It seemed an unusual response. But as I say, I'm not ungrateful.

i suppose that's what they have to do, though, as employers, spb. to keep it personal wouldn't be very smart.

sounds absolutely HORRIFIC, septimus, but i think their reaction is fair. she is being disciplined, they are taking it seriously. i suppose if you want a personal apology you're going to have to ask for one. it does sound awful, though, i'm sorry you had to go through that.

I am not sure what more you want? The head has treated it very seriously, as everyone has said.

Perhaps when it's all done and you've received said apology you could propose to meet up and set things back on the right tack again? It sounds to me like you are just wanting to get back to how things were rather than deal with all this procedure.

Hope it all works out.

I see what you mean Aitch...yes, if I verbally attacked someone it would be my boss who would apologise...

I think a verbal warning is fair enough and ideally she should apologise. As for the money, if it were me I think I'd say I'd like to carry on paying the standing order as arranged, I agree compensating you financially doesn't really send out the right message.

SPB, you are right, of course, but I think that this is exactly what the school ought to be doing. The school is entirely responsible for the TA and her actions. They've said they'll take it up with her separately.

If the school said to OP, thanks for your complaint, we'll pass it on to the TA, and ask her to apologise, that most certainly wouldn't be enough.

It may be, in time that the TA will shuffle feet and mumble an apology but, OP, realistically, a verbal warning or discipline and halving childcare is an admirable response from the school.

Best thing is to show good grace toward TA, just be cool and calm with her, don't let her rile you.

HOWEVER, if she does speak condescendingly to you again, pull her up on it and say to her, 'whatever your personal opinions on this matter, it is not, and never will be appropriate for you to talk to me in this manner'. then Hang up on her, or walk away, refuse to engage with people like that. She clearly has an inflated opinion of herself.

This Verbal Discipline ought to bring her down a peg or 2...

I think its the most obvious resolution. A verbal warning will definately wound her. Plus the head will no doubt be keeping their eye on her in future.

I understand you would much prefer an apology directly from her (as would I) but I think you should just view her as a representative of the school and try and put the personal side she imposed on you to the back of your mind. As a rep of the school it is understandable the school will want to apologise on her bahalf and keep it as impersonal as possible.

I'm sorry you had such a tough time, you didn't deserve that. Try and console yourself by thinking what a miserable unfulfilled life she must lead!

What more do you want?

How does a TA know so much about your finances though? I would be livid that anyone other than the Head discussed matters like that with me. I can't understand why she thought that ranting at you over your personal finances was in anyway appropriate.

I do think that it is a fair outcome, an apology would be nice, you must have felt so humiliated and upset, but at least she has been given a warning and the school get to keep a good TA (and you get some money back).

Agree with the majority of the posts here, but I have a question.
Why didn't you just say
'If you are not going to be civil, I cannot have a discussion with you' and put down the phone?
But you let her rant and accuse you for half an hour? madness.

Thanks everyone

Glad you all seem to think it is the right response. TBH, I think my mother wound me up a bit, with dark mutterings of "they're just trying to pay you off!" (she was here immediately after the event and I guess her maternal lioness was stirred).

So yes, I accept the money with good grace and will pay off what I owe asap.

I am very, very anxious about seeing her again. At the moment, DD goes straight from the club to her dance class so I dont have to have any contact with her, but given she'll be at the school for another 3 and a half years, I won't be able to avoid her forever. I am a bit of a coward when it comes to this kind of thing really

This sounds fair to me.

Hope she's not coming unhinged in some way and that your DC won't suffer anything in retaliation. Seems very odd that someone the children love would be capable of cutting you to bits like that and be all sweetness and smiles with the children.

I wonder also how she knows the grandparents are paying for dancing lessons and how she knows anything about your financial arrangements re paying for the after school club. Does she do the after school club books or does she know through some sort of school grapevine? If parents' financial circumstances are being discussed informally by the school staff, this is not a good thing.

Goblinchild I suppose I thought that if I could just make her understand she had her facts wrong, we could sort it out. But also I am not very assertive, and you're right, I should have hung up when it became clear she was just attacking for the sake of it.

Its a good response from the head.
The TA is completely in the wrong here. She is getting disciplined and to show you how sorry they are, they are offering you a reduction on your bill (which it sounds like would come in handy for you atm)
If you go in there again saying that you want more of an apology and a personal one from the TA then you may start looking unreasonable.
The head will be wanting to reduce any possible arguments and insisting on an aggresive TA, who clearly dislikes you intensley, apologising to you face to face is just asking for trouble imo!
I'd accept what you have been offered graciously and continue to hold your head up high as the one in the right.

Oh she initially bought up the dancing to ask how the hell I could afford to pay for it and not pay asc, so I told her about the grand parents to try to explain. Obviously I should have just said it was none of her business, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The dance class takes place in the school hall. Another parent told me that this woman has some kind of beef with the dance teacher too, and blasts out music when the class starts, so loud that the kids can't hear what they're meant to be dancing to

This TA sounds vindictive and a little bit off her rocker to me, not a bit nice. I wonder what would happen if she took a dislike to one of the children? Does she think she runs the school? That music thing is ott, imo.

Any idea how she knows about your asc arrears though?

It all sounds very upsetting for you, she sounds a tad headstrong (being polite!).
I still don't think she should be privy to the fact that you'd had problems paying (prob why the Head cut the fees for you).
Hold your head up high, you've done nothing wrong

Your request probably just sent her over the edge after a long bad day!

Why did you ask her at a time when she was presumably working? Wouldn't the school sec have been a better person to ask to write a letter? The fact that the Head knows something doesn't mean it will filter down to the TA unfortunately. Her rant was not justified and she definitely knows it. A verbal warning is serious.