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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being uninvited to family Christmas?

37 replies

Beachcomber · 01/12/2009 19:10

Ok complicated situation, will try to keep this short.

My family live in the UK, I live in another country with my DH and our 2 DDs. We do Christmas turn about with DH's family and mine. This year is our turn to go to the UK.

My parents are divorced and my mother suffers from depression. Because she cannot really cope with doing Christmas dinner and because she has a small house, Christmas Day is generally spent at my (only) sister's house. In the past my sister and her DH have made it very clear that they prefer things this way as they find it very hard to be around my mum when she is stressed.

To add to things my BIL has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in recent years. He finds noise, kids, family gatherings and so on stressful. He does however manage to work and lead a relatively normal life much of the time.

So this Christmas we are coming to the UK and were invited to my sister's as usual. However in between time my sister and her DH have invited my BIL's parents for Christmas Day. Every year they say 'no' but for some reason this year they have said 'yes'.

So, my sister called the other day to say that we cannot spend Christmas Day together because her DH cannot cope with us plus his parents.

So we will be going to the UK to not spend Christmas together and for the kids (2 for me and 2 for my sister) to not be together, (which really was the whole point).

In addition my bitter, depressed, mother does not like my DH (or any man really) and we will be forced to spend Christmas Day like 3 lemons sat round a meal that she will very much resent cooking whilst my sister and her 2 kids will be sat less than 10 minutes walk away.

Sorry for very long OP but wanted to be clear about the situation.

So my question is; is it unreasonable of me to be upset enough about this to try to change the situation by explaining to my sister and her DH that we are coming over to see them and their children and that we are very very disappointed to be uninvited like this?

I appreciate that it is very difficult for my sister as she is in the middle of all this and scared to upset her DH.

OP posts:
Tortington · 01/12/2009 19:14

i think her inlaws take priority over you. it's an unfortunate situation all round and that doesn't take away the feelings of dissapointment you must have.

could you just not come over this year or will this hurt your mum?

alternatively go out for a meal on xmas day. or forgo the usual tradition - and just order a curry in - so mum doesn;t have to stress

thedollshouse · 01/12/2009 19:14

YANBU to be upset but as you have said your sister is in a difficult position. Is it not possible for you and your mum to spend Christmas with your il's? Or perhaps book Christmas lunch in a restaurant to take the pressure off a little.

bigchris · 01/12/2009 19:16

so every other year you always go to your sisters for xmas but she never gets to have xmas at yours?
and for years bil has invited his parents but they never come
i think it is fair enough that this year she is putting his family first tbh
i'd stay home tbh, will your mum be alone though?

Hulababy · 01/12/2009 19:18

Cna you not spend part of the day with them, at one of the houses?

And then go seperate ways for dinner?

Why dn't you do dinner if your mum isn't up to it? Or buy it all in, or consider eating ata local restaurant?

Original poster
Beachcomber · 01/12/2009 19:19

We can't not go as we have booked our plane tickets.

We asked everybody concerned before we booked the tickets. My ILs live in the same country as we do, DH is from here and all his family are here.

Agree that taking mum out for a meal could be a solution.

Thanks for taking notice! I think I'm just upset that (again) one of our trips home is going to be all about what the depressed members of the family want. (Sorry I know how unsympathetic that sounds.)

OP posts:
Morloth · 01/12/2009 19:19

Can you not come to the UK this year and spend Christmas at home with just your immediate family?

Or take your Mum out for a Christmas lunch somewhere and then "do" Christmas on Boxing Day with your sister?

SleepingLion · 01/12/2009 19:20

It does seem a complex situation and that Christmas will be something to be endured rather than enjoyed.

Why go at all? Could you not have a lovely family Christmas at home, just the four of you, and arrange to come to the UK to visit family at another time of the year when people are less stressed - you can arrange to stay with your sister when she is not under pressure with her in-laws, your BIL is likely to be more relaxed and you can see your mum without her feeling that she has to do a big fancy meal.

It might be a better solution all round than putting pressure on your sister when she is probably already anxious enough already.

MrsMills · 01/12/2009 19:20

Is there any way you would just consider staying at home and having your own Christmas, just the four of you?

That, to me, seems like the least stressful situation. Sorry I haven't really answered your question though- what do you want to gain from confronting her? She is in a difficult situation with her husbands needs and has had to make a decision, albeit one that doesn't go in your favour.

I don't know what your relationship with your sister is like, but I would presume that it would have been a difficult decision to make, you don't know. And no-one can force you to spend the day at your mothers house if you don't want to. Couldn't she just go to your sisters house if you were to stay at home?

Morloth · 01/12/2009 19:22

Or since you have already booked and paid for tickets, why not find a nice cottage somewhere and have Christmas there with your Mum?

Original poster
Beachcomber · 01/12/2009 19:24

Bigchris my sister and I live in different countries. When it is our year to Christmas in France, where we live, we always invite them. They don't come because they tend to come and visit us in the summer.

I am pleased that my BIL is getting to spend Christmas with his parents although I'm not sure that he is that pleased himself as he refuses their invitation to spend Christmas with them and the rest of his family every year.

I know my BILs parents very well and generally see them when I am over from France. I suspect that they will find it very odd that we will not be spending Christmas together considering that we are coming from another country to spend it with them all!

OP posts:
LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 01/12/2009 19:24

You won't be 3 lemons sitting around a table, you will be 3 adults sitting around a table with 2 children, and if it stresses your mother out to cook the meal then bloody well cook it yourself. You could make this Christmas the miserable one you painted in your OP or you could pull your socks up, open a bottle of wine, plaster a smile on your face and try and enjoy yourself.

bigchris · 01/12/2009 19:28

i do feel sorry for your sister
but i can see why you're disappointed
could you suggest having them at your mums on xmas eve or boxing day and you doing buffet style to save work for your mum and then the kids still see their cousins

Original poster
Beachcomber · 01/12/2009 19:29

Ideally we would now prefer to stay in France for Christmas I think but we have booked plane tickets and have friends from France coming to join us for Hogmany at a bash my best mate is throwing. (Phew, at least we do have some people who actually want to see us!).

Morloth, cottage idea is a good one, funds are a bit tight at the moment but could be worth spending money we don't have in an attempt to sort things out.

BTW I will, of course, help my mum cook Christmas dinner, chip in with costs, bring mucho French wine, etc.

OP posts:
hatwoman · 01/12/2009 19:30

presumably you'll be in the UK for a few days? in which case can you arrange to see sister and her dcs on another day? I'd recommend not getting too hung up on Christmas Day itself being the big event. ask your sis when, in the few days you're in the UK you could all get togther, talk about where would be best (taking into account your bil's health). and maybe you could find some time to visit some other friends too?

the sequence of events is very unfortunate - and it wasn;t very fair to ask you, then ask the in-laws and then un-invite you - but sounds like your dsis is trying to do the best she can in difficult circumstances

FabIsVeryLucky · 01/12/2009 19:31

YANBU to be upset but I don't understand why you are still going to the UK if you have no one to spend Christmas with. Spend the air fare on some really lovely food, drink and presents.

Original poster
Beachcomber · 01/12/2009 19:35

Actually it is probably my sister I feel the worst for in all this as we get on really well and are always happy to see each other. The children really enjoy being together too.

I know my sister is very upset too and I don't want to make things worse for her.

I guess I'm just a bit put out by the idea that my BIL is getting to decide things for everybody when everybody else (including his parents) would have been very happy to be all together.

Also feel a bit put out that they had invited us then changed things when his parents decided to come (as of course is their right and I think it is very nice for all concerned that, for once, they have decided to come).

Sorry if I am missing replying to people and thank you for your input it is helpful to read things from people who are not involved.

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/12/2009 19:40

fab tickets already paid for

yes depression can be a very slfish illness imo

inveteratenamechanger · 01/12/2009 19:41

YANBU - I would be very upset and put out too.

I do feel for your sister though - a friend's husband has bipolar and it is very difficult. I bet she feels crap about the whole thing.

Agree that renting a cottage would be a good solution. Perhaps your sister + kids could come too for a few days after Christmas?

Another thought: in my family, we often have "Christmas dinner" on the 27th or 28th if we can't all be together on the day itself. Would that be an option? I bet the kids would love having two Christmases.

Original poster
Beachcomber · 01/12/2009 19:42

Fab, we are going to the UK because we have bought the plane tickets after checking with everybody if it was OK for us to come and being told that it was and that we would have Christmas at my sister and BIL's because they refuse to go to my mum's (which I can understand).

I guess it is hard to explain (or I ABU!).

If we had known that Christmas Day was to be spent with my mum only then we probably wouldn't have booked tickets. We would have stayed in France and allowed our children to have a nice time with people who wanted to see them and come over after Christmas.

This probably would have disappointed my mum but she is not an easy person and tends to be disappointed however things turn out.

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/12/2009 19:44

would she have been alone then or would she have gone to your sister's?

CarGirl · 01/12/2009 19:48

Can you send your Mum around to your sisters for Chritmas lunch and then you prepare something at your mums for supper/tea time so your BIL doesn't have to come???

FabIsVeryLucky · 01/12/2009 19:48

Blimey bigchris, I hope you and yours never suffer from depression.

FabIsVeryLucky · 01/12/2009 19:50

Can you not change the dates and have Christmas at home and travel later?

Original poster
Beachcomber · 01/12/2009 19:51

Inverterate, my sister is upset and a bit angry and yet again having to do things in accordance with her DH's illness but I know, and understand, that she is nervous about doing otherwise.

I guess I just find it hard to accept that he is able to do all manner of things that he wants to like doing a quite important job, going out with his mates and so on but cannot manage having some people over for a meal.

I find his illness very confusing and do sometimes think he is manipulative.

BTW we are not the sort of guests who show up and expect dinner. We bring things, peel veg, entertain children, wash up, take bins out and all the other normal things that people do when they are together at someone's house who is kind enough to have them.

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/12/2009 19:51

no offence meant and yes me and mine have
my bil sounds very similar to ops bil and it does ruin thngs for my sister, often she says its like having a third child and family occasions are blighted by it

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