To be upset at being uninvited to family Christmas?

[Beachcomber]

Ok complicated situation, will try to keep this short.

My family live in the UK, I live in another country with my DH and our 2 DDs. We do Christmas turn about with DH's family and mine. This year is our turn to go to the UK.

My parents are divorced and my mother suffers from depression. Because she cannot really cope with doing Christmas dinner and because she has a small house, Christmas Day is generally spent at my (only) sister's house. In the past my sister and her DH have made it very clear that they prefer things this way as they find it very hard to be around my mum when she is stressed.

To add to things my BIL has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in recent years. He finds noise, kids, family gatherings and so on stressful. He does however manage to work and lead a relatively normal life much of the time.

So this Christmas we are coming to the UK and were invited to my sister's as usual. However in between time my sister and her DH have invited my BIL's parents for Christmas Day. Every year they say 'no' but for some reason this year they have said 'yes'.

So, my sister called the other day to say that we cannot spend Christmas Day together because her DH cannot cope with us plus his parents.

So we will be going to the UK to not spend Christmas together and for the kids (2 for me and 2 for my sister) to not be together, (which really was the whole point).

In addition my bitter, depressed, mother does not like my DH (or any man really) and we will be forced to spend Christmas Day like 3 lemons sat round a meal that she will very much resent cooking whilst my sister and her 2 kids will be sat less than 10 minutes walk away.

Sorry for very long OP but wanted to be clear about the situation.

So my question is; is it unreasonable of me to be upset enough about this to try to change the situation by explaining to my sister and her DH that we are coming over to see them and their children and that we are very very disappointed to be uninvited like this?

I appreciate that it is very difficult for my sister as she is in the middle of all this and scared to upset her DH.

If we had not been coming my mum would have been at my sister's house. I really don't think they would have left her alone.

Bigchris that is exactly what my sister says, that sometimes it is like having another child.

I know she is also angry because BIL seems to manage not too badly when it comes to things he wants to do.

I guess that is the nature of Bipolar disorder.

BTW I have known My BIL for years and get on very well with him, DH does too, they have a laugh together.

oh , if it is only 10 mins away surely you can all do something christmassy on xmas eve, followed by a walk together on xmas day?

do something to keep the sane ones sane

and i speak from years of experience of bending around various manic depressives in my family.

i think your sister will want you around for a bolthole

maybe her and the kids might want to meet for a xmas service or something after inlaws have gone?

I'd give her a ring and be hugely accomodating and sympathetic

are you supposed to be staying at your sisters??

i think i would come over as planned, stay at theirs (if that's the intention) but on christmas day either go to your mums and cook dinner, or take her out for dinner somewhere nice.

then spend the rest of the time at your sisters.

Thanks for input eveybody.

Ok, I guess we will just have to make the best of this. Will try to persuade my mum to let us take her out for a meal.

We won't stay with my sister as BIL finds that too difficult. We stay a bit with my mum but not too long as she also finds it difficult although she does like having us there in a way.

Christmas Eve will be at my dad's house where thankfully no one is depressed and my BIL will probably not come.

I have already said on the phone to my sister that I understand her situation, things are hard enough for her without me rocking the boat.

"sometimes it is like having another child."

Yes, I'm afraid it is. And your sister is enabling his behaviour by parenting it. She may be afraid of the fall out, but your BIL will be miserable no matter if you stay with him or not.

I would give up the plane tickets as a dead loss, don't throw any more money at this (cottages etc) and stay at home.

Actually Merrylegs staying at home is starting to sound like a very good idea.

DH would never have agreed to Christmas at my mum's house as she really is vile to him. When we stay at her house he tends to head off and spend some time with friends but obviously he won't do this on Christmas Day as he wants to be with his children.

Oh, I don't know what to do. My mum will be upset if we don't go and my sister will feel terrible if we don't go.

I don't know if we can change our cheap tickets and we can't leave our French friends in the lurch for Hogmany as they don't know anyone other than us.

Eat out, and see your sister Christmas eve, etc - maybe have a special games night with your sister and all the kids?

Seems like she is stuck in a hard place

sigh -sounds a bit crap, but maybe make it as fun as can be?

Does it have to be so set?
If your sister's only 10 mins walk away, can you not see them before or after dinner - it's nice to get out for a walk while the dinner's roasting. Or a nip in a pub?
You're all in the same vicinity, it seems a shame to be thinking that's the house they're in, and this is the house we're in and that's that.
It's not easy to please everyone, I don't know what your sister can do.

Yeah I think eating out is best.

Really the reason I'm bothered is that my mum is depressed herself and she is very difficult to be around. This is the very reason why we were going to my sister's in the first place, because my sister and my BIL refuse to go to my mum's.

So they refuse to come to my mum's and now they have changed their minds about inviting us all. I think it is a bit rubbish of them to also uninvite my mum in favour of other family members that they invited later on.

If my mum was a fairly normal happy sort of mum I don't think I would mind really.

I guess I'm just having a not very grown up moment and wishing that the 2 depressed members of the family weren't getting to call the shots so that the rest of us who would really like to be together can be.

[Beach ponders idea of BIL and mum going out for a meal together so the rest of us get on with things] (joke)

You are right paisleyleaf things shouldn't be so 'set'.

I think several nips in the pub will be needed.

Kids all a bit little though so perhaps bracing walk is a better idea.