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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL always in a panic about some illness or other

49 replies

ToKillaMagpie · 01/12/2009 16:04

Maybe I'm just mean spirited considering it being so close to Christmas and all but i'm getting fed up wiht my SIL and her hypocondria (if that's what it is).

For the past couple yrs she's bn investigated for gallstones, appendicitis, MS, Menieres, hypothyroidism, arthritis and more. Each time result comes back negative she seems to
get better again until next time when new symptoms appear.

I'm getting fed up with my brother and my mum calling me sounding all serious and asking me to say a little prayer that SIL doesnt suffer from whatever she thinks she has at any give moment.

She has a one yr old girl and she's already said she thinks the baby has ADHD and when I protested she told me i don't know what its like to have a potentially ill child.

The fact that I lost my firstborn to cot death some yrs ago doesn't seem to have registered with her.

I just want to tell my mum and my brother that I think siL is an attention seeking hypocondriac. Should I?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 01/12/2009 16:23

She might be an attention seeking hypocondriac, but you have to ask yourself why. She seems to me to be perhaps self centred and likes 'seeing' how much other people feel about her by looking at their reaction to her latest illness?

Saying that though, if it is just in her mind, and I'm sure she's not doing it on purpose, it does kind of trivialise other people who have to deal with the real pain and suffering illness can bring.

Haven't your mum and brother noticed that she's got over all these things, if they have then they must be humouring her knowing she's got other, perhaps mental health, problems.

YANBU to get fkd off with it, but I would keep that bit to yourself, and tread carefully if you do decide to say something.

katiestar · 01/12/2009 18:09

I am sure I have read that being very overly-anxious about your/ your loved ones health is a type of depression.

Yuletidespamlog · 01/12/2009 18:23

I agree with Katiestar, when I had depression I used to become convinced I had a number of diseases. Has she had postnatal depression?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/12/2009 19:14

YANBU
if I sound like a heartless bitch so be it - she sounds like a royal pain in the arse and an incompetant unconfident parent. I can't bear parents who try to pathologise their children when they have behavioural issues due to poor parenting. I doubt very much that a one year old can display signs of ADHD, it's more likely that the child is being a normal toddler/baby and starting to stop being a poppet and becoming a rampaging monster, which is what they all do once they start walking.

The comment about you not knowing what it's like to have a sick child is mind blowingly insensitive.

garciasangria · 01/12/2009 20:01

YANBU at all!! But I also wouldn't say anything, especially not to your brother (maybe your mum?) you don't want to potentially start a row just before Christmas.

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 01/12/2009 20:09

I don't think she has depression she seems quite chirpy and energetic most of the time, but of course I could be wrong.
But she was like this even before the baby.

I lost my baby logn before SIL came on the scene so I guess it doesn't really mean that much to her probably ancient history.

It makes me so mad when she wants to label her active healthy daughter as having ADHD.

I do realise I can't say anything and as garciasangria pointed out why start an argument before Christmas. It's just that she gets on my nerves so much and also that my brother and mum always takes her so seriously.all i want to do is shout at them to stop pandering to my SILs neurotic behaviour.

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ImSoNotTelling · 01/12/2009 20:12

It is nice your family are all so close - my parents know sod all about the good health of otherwise of my SIL and BIL! However under these circs it's not sounding like much of a bonus.

If she has been investigated for all of these things then she must be genuinely exhibiting synptoms IYSWIM otherwise the GP would have started to reassure/try other things and not keep referring her on.

On that basis I would feel quietly irritated, but not say anything else. Maybe she has something wrong with her that they have not been able to identify.

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 01/12/2009 20:51

I'm not a medical person so i shouldn't really make judgements I suppose.

I just think how weird it is that the symptoms always seem unrelated ad do totally different. And how she is so well
in between.

And how the different symptoms always disappear after she's been told she's ok and then new ones appear. She had terrible dizziness and everything pointed to Menieres. Then the dizziness just went away never to return.

I certainly hope I won't live to regret saying this in case they one day find out something serious about her health!

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 02/12/2009 08:25

Are we the same person? I have two SIL's like this, neither have children but both virtually have a standing appt with the GP. Neither have ever had a concrete diagnosis of what ails them. Attention seems to make the horrible symptoms disappear.
YANBU.

bintofbohemia · 02/12/2009 08:36

I have genuinely had some health problems since having DS1 but they have been magnified since having DS2 and I am still being treated for PND. I'm also very anxious when DS2 gets ill - I think I'm prone to anxiety naturally but the depression exacerbates it.

People were also very surprised to find I had depression as I put a brave face on in public and people thought I was chirpy and fine too. Doesn't mean she is.

GooseyLoosey · 02/12/2009 08:44

I have suffered from health anxiety. It is terrible. What you have to understand is that although it all seems stupid to you, to her the fear and the stress are overwhelming - you spend life convinced that you are about to die - it is awful which is only exacerbated by knowing that other people think it is laughable. I personally reached the point where I would have rather been dead than continue. I wish I could make you understand how truely terrible it can feel.

That said, it is not your problem, it is hers and she is clearly pretty insensitive so I can understand why you have had enough. I dicuss my fears with my husband, but absolutely no one else. Have you thought of suggesting to your brother that she may need help for underlying anxiety? The fact that she may seem outwardly chirpy is irrelevant. No one I work with would have a clue about the way I feel.

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 02/12/2009 10:02

What makes me confused is that her GP will refer her to all these specialists. Do they have to do this even if they suspect that someone is hypocondriac and is hypocondria an illness in itself i wonder?

What makes me so mad is that my mum has a heart condition and is forever getting upset and worried about my SILs health. And I cant understand why the rest of my family never question SILs constant health alerts.

Kreecher...to have TWO of them must be hellish!

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MitchyInge · 02/12/2009 10:07

maybe she has Munchausen's

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 02/12/2009 10:07

GooseyLoosey, sry if I been insensitive. I havent really looked at it from my SILs point of view, and you're right, who can tell how another person is feeling and a chirpy exterior is no guarantee that the person isnt suffering inside.

Have you received any help with your problem? Is it a kind of depression do you think? Wishing you all the best.

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Arsed · 02/12/2009 10:10

Health Anxiety is horrible, it's crippling. Much worse for your SIL to be living though than for you seeing it from the outside. even if it is highly annoying.

I have suffered from HA over the last year and have had some councilling for it and read some books 1. / 2. which helped.

Is your SIl generally anxious ?

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 02/12/2009 10:11

Mitchy..I'm a bit concerned that she might transfer it to her dd. Definitely don't like the comments about dds possible ADHD. Isn't there something called Munchausen by proxy?

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Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 02/12/2009 10:14

Arsed...my SIL seems outwardly easygoing and happy but then I get snippets from my brother about how she rings him ten times a day sometimes, worrying about diffrent things.

Yes, I may have taken this all too lightly and not thought of how SIl feels inside. Glad you'r feeling better.

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teameric · 02/12/2009 10:14

I am on AD's at the moment because I suffered with awful health anxiety and depression after having my DD, and agree with GooseyLoosey, no-one else but my DH and Mum knows about it though, I didn't want to make it anyone elses problem.

MitchyInge · 02/12/2009 10:16

don't want to give you something new to worry about, she'd probably be having all sorts of surgical procedures and moving around to avoid detection and so on

was half being flippant, half wondering seriously

GooseyLoosey · 02/12/2009 10:18

ToKill - you weren't at all insensitive. I know how it looks to other people and the way you see your SIL is entirely natural.

It is uncontrolable though and is a form of mental illness. Yes, I have had help. After I decided that I could not live like that any more and would genuinely rather be dead, I saw a psychiatrist for over a year and have only recently stopped taking ADs. Things are much better. However, Christmas is always my worst time of year and I can feel faint pullings of axiety already but hopefully they won't get any worse.

The key thing is for your SIL to recognise that she may have a mental illness rather than a physical one. This will be very hard for her to see, as to her, each ailment is very real. Can you talk to your brother about it?

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 02/12/2009 10:19

Having read the comments from people suffering health anxiety I'm starting to think that I should alert my brother to this possibility. Have to tread carefully though.

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GooseyLoosey · 02/12/2009 10:20

Should had said, I have never had the slightest desire to project my fears onto my children. I do however always check with dh when I am worried about their health to ensure that he does not think I am fantasising. My dcs would have absolutely no idea that I feel like this.

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 02/12/2009 10:23

GooseyLoosey, I'm glad you've let me know that it could be a mental illness, just as real as a physical one. I've only seen it as a nuisance that she does on purpose to wind us all up.

It'll be hard to suggest mental illness to my brother as he's one of those who prefer to think physical illness is fine but...

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Earthymama · 02/12/2009 10:24

I have arthritis, asthma and psoriasis and I think my immune system is compromised because I catch EVERY cold/bug that goes around. I HATE it and do everything I can to be well but it's just the way I am. I always blamed depression until my physical symptoms were diagnosed.

You cannot believe how incredibly hurtful it is to have comments like 'Oh there's always something wrong with you!' and then to be treated as though you are shamming.

If people knew how I actually feel they might be nicer/kinder but I do try not to let it rule my life, so maybe they see me carrying on with my life and think I am moaning when I mention I am in pain or my feet are bleeding.

I've just noticed that you have said that you realise now she might be depressed and I think you are right to be concerned about her child.

Original poster

ToKillaMagpie · 02/12/2009 10:28

Earthymama, I'm really sorry that you are suffering and god knows, I've been guilty of thinking "there's always something wrong with you" regarding my SIL, but so far she's never been diagnosed with anything.

Hope you feel better soon!

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