SIL always in a panic about some illness or other

[ToKillaMagpie]

Maybe I'm just mean spirited considering it being so close to Christmas and all but i'm getting fed up wiht my SIL and her hypocondria (if that's what it is).

For the past couple yrs she's bn investigated for gallstones, appendicitis, MS, Menieres, hypothyroidism, arthritis and more. Each time result comes back negative she seems to
get better again until next time when new symptoms appear.

I'm getting fed up with my brother and my mum calling me sounding all serious and asking me to say a little prayer that SIL doesnt suffer from whatever she thinks she has at any give moment.

She has a one yr old girl and she's already said she thinks the baby has ADHD and when I protested she told me i don't know what its like to have a potentially ill child.

The fact that I lost my firstborn to cot death some yrs ago doesn't seem to have registered with her.

I just want to tell my mum and my brother that I think siL is an attention seeking hypocondriac. Should I?

Goosey is right, The difficult thing for your SIL will be admitting that it is all in her head.. She'll probbly know already really but it's the coming to terms with it that takes the time. My HA was MS, i was convinced i had it, the anxiety made my symptoms worse which in turn fed my anxiety, it was a vicious circle. I still think now 'what if^' every time i feel a twinge but can more of less rein myself in now.

The most important thing i did was never ever going on health message boards, never googling. NEVER.

I stopped reading the paper and watching disturbing films too, anything like that would ramp up the worry.

I had a lot of physical symptoms with my HA so don't think your SIL is making it up, she might well be making it worse but it is very real for her.

i used this list to calm myself down when i was having an anxiety attack, It used to really help to recognise that all the physical feelings I was suffering from were anxiety related and not MS, MND or a brain tumour.

Maybe you could mention it to your SIL.

It's a huge huge leap to go from anxiety to Munchaussens, i really wouldnt worry about that.

Thanks for the list Arsed, I'll keep that for whenever I dare to approach the subject with SIL. Its' really easy to judge people and think they're sitting there purposely making up symptoms....I'm starting to think that having health anxiety sounds almost worse than a physical illness.

It was pretty horrific at the time to be honest. I couldn't have carried on feeling like it for long it would have been completly disabling.

I feel sorry for your SIL if she's living with worry long term.

It is horrendous. Not sure you can talk to your SIL about it, but it might be worth mentioning to your brother.

In my experience, my GP was very willing to talk about this with me and appreciated that I recognised that this was a problem. I think that they must see it a fair amount.

Also worth saying that I found that it did not just go away on its own. You could get better for a while having satisfied yourself that the latest ache or pain did not mean you were going to die, but inevitably it would only be a little while before something else comes a long and each time the cycle repeats itself it becomes harder and more emotionally draining. Assuming she does suffer from health anxiety, she does need to get help for it.

If she is reluctant, it might be worth your brother pointing out that not only is this having a bad impact on her, but he is finding it very hard to deal with. My dh said to me "you have no idea how emotionally draining it is living with someone who lives in a state of constant fear and unhappiness" and he was right - I had never really stopped to consider that it was terrible for him too.

My Gp was great too and I had much the same experience as Goosey in that she was pleased that I recognised the problem.

It definatly wont go away on its own but i found that making the first proactive steps made huge difference to my outlook.

YANBU to 'think SIL is an attention seeking hypocondriac' however I wouldn't recommend telling your mother or brother - what would it achieve?

It does sound possible that she has a problem. I have heard of extreme hypochondria as a type of OCD - I guess it could be anxiety / depression / obsessive behaviour rather than just attention seeking and in that case you should probably try to be supportive although as with most things if a person doesn't recognise the nature of their problem its quite hard to help them.

AppleyDapply - would just point out that hypochondria has nothing to do with attention seeking.

just because she is energetic and chirpy doesnt mean she is not ill. Peolpe can put on facade that they are ok when underneath they really arent. I was like this for 3 years...loads of tests coming back normal but having bouts of feeling like death warmed up. After 3 years of constant visits to Gp,feeing like a hypochondriac etc..i got a posiitve diagnosis of chronic parvo virus. I suffered from chronic fatigue,virtual ME and exhaustion but always tried to be energetic and up beat. She might really be poorly...and not have had the right test yet. I had to diagnose myself and asked for the specific blood test. Doctors do get it wrong and dont always do the right test.

If she isnt poorly then maybe she is developing Munchausens syndrome if she thinks her baby is always poorly.

And maybe its PND and a cry for help

GooseyLoosey - I was quoting/taking my lead from the OP, however, fully accept what you're saying.

ToKillaMagpie Wed 02-Dec-09 10:02:23
"What makes me confused is that her GP will refer her to all these specialists. Do they have to do this even if they suspect that someone is hypocondriac and is hypocondria an illness in itself i wonder?"

Problem is, a GP is not a specialist, he cannot necessarily know that there is no serious underlying cause. There is absolutely no rule that says that a patient who appears anxious and nervous and over-fussy cannot also develop a fatal disorder. He probably doesn't want to take the risk. Fwiw dd was suspected of psychosomatic disorder for years before finally being diagnosed with a bona fide physical condition. And hers is exactly the kind that throws up a lot of seemingly disconnected symptoms, exactly what makes doctors suspicious.

But what I learnt from being around her rehabilitation unit was that the children whose disorders were psychosomatic were just as crippled and needed just as much help.

in general peolpe know there own bodies and know when something is wrong. I think a gp can suss out genuine hypochondria from a possible underlying undiagnosed problem. As cory said Gp's are not experts....they are the first link in the chain to getting a diagnosis and in this litigious society who can blame them for doing elimination tests.

And don't forget that mental health problems can create physical symptoms.
DH had an anxiety/depression illness caused by being in a very stressful job.He would have vomiting shaking and terrible abdominal pain and dizziness.As soon as he quit the symptoms cleared up.Shell shocked conscript found themselves quite literally paralysed when they were on the front line.

I just spoke to my brother and we're meeting up for drinks on Friday. I'm not sure now if I should bring up the subject then.
Godforbid there really is something wrong and Ive been slagging her off here on MN!

Grateful to you all for your input, special thanks to GooseyLucey, you've helped me see things differntly.

To avoid any arguments, you could always bring it up in a sympathetic/I'm starting to get worried about SIL, way? If you're not showing that it's been grating on you they can hardly have a go at you.

I dunno. I kind of think, what does it have to do with you? I think I must be unusual in that I don't really know the ins and outs of my SIL's lives and wouldn't expect to have a say or opinion. Are you close to her in other ways?

Surely those closest to her ie her DH and her parents are best placed to see the situation for what it is. And GPs don't send people for tests on demand - they have to think it's warranted.

Tokilla - have read this thread with interest and haven't there been some insightful and interesting posts. Like you I think gooseyloosey talks such sense and I'm sure her viewpoint has helped. Only thing I would add is that when yu talk to yur brother/mother or SIl you don't actually have to mention the words "mental illness" as this scares so many people, still. There is unfortunately still so much stigma attached to mental illness. I do agree with everyone who has said this seems to be more an emotional distress problem than physical problems.

Maybe you could talk in terms of your SIL being emotionally distressed/anxious and that is maybe underneath her worries about her health. You sound like a very nice level headed person so I'm sure you will find the right way to approach this without looking like you are blaming your SIL. As you say health anxieties of this magnitude are I think worse than having an actual physical illness that is diagnosable. My sister was always complaining of ill health and yes we called her a hypercondriac but she died of lung cancer at quite a young age, and she faced this with amazing fortitude.

I wonder too if the best way your sister can be helped is by some good counselling to help to uncover what is beneath her worries about her health. Yes it is a shame she is worrying about ADHD with a 1 year old and it looks like she may well pass on her health worries to her daugther. However please don't go down the route of munchausens syndrome or MS by proxy. There is no real consensus about the existence of this rather strange phenomina where people fabricate illness and yes there have been reports of mothers deliberately doing things to their babies to get medical attention, but it is extremely rare and I would not go there.

Good luck with your talk with your brother. He sounds like a very patient bloke by the way as lots of men would not be sympathetic in these cases. Incidentally does your SIL google - if so - she needs to stop!

I have worked with patients with health anxiety several times, CBT is probably the best therapy for this disorder so if that is indeed what this turns out to be I recommend she asks her GP for a referral to primary care psychology.

Counselling could also be helpful if she wants to look at underlying issues behind it but this is not always necessary, dealing with the thoughts and behaviour that perpetuate it is more effective.

Having said that, a lady I worked with was always on about having something wrong with her, was always up the doctors with this or that symptom and they could never find anything wrong but after about 10 years she was diagnosed with lupus.

This makes me think of spike milligan's epitaph 'I told you I was ill'

YANBU, but like others have said, it is probably a sign of an underlying problem.

My MIL is always having investigations for things and never has anything serious wrong -for example when I was pregnant with DS1, she convinced us all she had ovarian cancer, (it was polyps) - in her case it is attention seeking. She uses her health concerns to get attention from her sons, and has admitted as much. Understanding the reasons why doesn't mean it isn't frustrating and sometimes irritating to deal with though.

please tread carefully, yes it might be attention seeking, but equally there are conditions that are simply very hard to diagnose and can take years. I was very lucky, and almost by chance figured out my diagnosis while the doctors were being dismissive. Once diagnosed, it explained a lot of diverse symptoms which I had had over the years, which involved numerous (always negative) investigations, and yes I was accused of 'always being ill' and I'm sure people raised a few eyebrows.

Not saying its necessarily the case here, but I learnt through my experience that it is not uncommon at all. Think how bad you would feel if she did turn out to be ill. A

I do agree though that if she is projecting anxieties onto her daughter though. That said, I think diagnosing energetic behaviour as ADHD is a societal problem at the minute, its hardly unique to your SIL.

MorrisZapp...I'm very close to my mum and brother and its they who call me up about the latest health worry. I can see that it affects and worries them both.

When I have spoken with my SIL she likes to talk about possible illnesses and seems proud that her medical journals are so thick and heavy. I know this sounds odd but that's the impression I get. She also acts pleased when being investigated and says things like: They think I'm a very interesting case.
I'm not coldhearted and truly don't want to just dismiss her as attention seeking but she often gets ill when my brother is away( he travels a lot) and maybe this is an indication that its anxiety behind it all?

I really get scared when I read about the tragic cases where people've bn ill for yrs , not bn taken seriousy and then finally find they have some dreadful disease. Going to try being more sympathetic and patient with my SIL.

Tokill - glad I was of some help. You actually sound like a great sister and SIL to me so I hope it all works out well for you all.

ToKillaMagpie, its nice you are so worried.

I think the problem is that lots of symptoms could very well be anxiety etc related, and its right to wonder because if they are then the only way the symptoms will go is if that is addressed. equally though some chronic systemic illnesses affect lots of different parts of the body in ways that might seem totally unconnected (mine affects my eyes, my digestive system, my skin and my joints - I had tests for ulcers, appendicitis, cancer, arthritis, a heart condition etc- all sorts really-, and multiple 'are you depressed/ stressed' questions, before I finally did some google searching and figured it out for myself!).

I often 'get ill' when DH is away because that is when I have to do aboslutely everything myself, so get more worn out and my body gives in. I also like to make jokes about my illness like how 'i've got my moneys worth out of the nhs', 'i'm keeping the doctors on their toes', just because it is / was easier than admitting just how goddam hard it is to be ill when there are so many other things I would prefer to be doing. Not saying thats how it is for your SIL, but reading this thread made me realise what other people could easily have been saying about me

it drove me up the wall for months knowing that doctors, work, etc thought my symptoms (when they became acute) were just stress /depression when I just knew that I wasn't particularly stressed or depressed (well I wasn't until no one would believe me!) I just wish they had trusted me sooner and accepted that I knew my own body and knew there was a physical cause. I was lucky though, my condition often goes undiagnosed/ misdiagnosed in people for years, decades even

it is really nice that you are worrying and wondering though. whatever the real cause is, the best support is to just be there for her and not be too judgemental, and I think you are doing that already. and I do think it is perfectly understandable to wonder, when no diagnosis is forthcoming. and just because some of us have experienced this when we had an undiagnosed condition doesn't mean thats the case every time.

Tiredfeet..so sorry to hear about the trouble you've had in being diagnosed. Ive certainly learned a lot just through this thread and yes, I've bn madly irritated and frustrated by my SILs behaviour but I think I've kept it well hidden so far.

Very interesting to hear of all the illnesses you've had tests for, just goes to show that the doctors probably do know what they're doing in continuing to investigate my SIL.

Thanks for your story, I think I'm going to invite SIL for a cup of tea and some real sympathy.

well, not sure they know what they're doing, I think a lot of the problem is that GPs simply can't know everything, sometimes it does just take a lot of detective work to get there. v frustrating for the patient, but kind of understandable when you think about how complicated the human body is!!

and I do think all the psychosomatic stuff is not to be dismissed lightly either, it must be truly horrendous to be trapped in a cycle of psychological symptoms causing physcial symptoms.

tea and sympathy sounds fab, its certainly what I needed at the time