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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have taken my son's computer away?

45 replies

duchesse · 01/12/2009 11:02

He's 16 and in year 12. Although he's doing fine at school in his ASs (Maths, Chemistry, Physics, Economics and Critical Thinking), he never seems to do any homework at home. He spends every lunchtime and every free period doing it instead.

However he spends a ridiculous amount of time playing the same computer game. He plays from the moment he gets home at round 5pm until he goes to bed at around midnight, breaking for around 20 mns for our evening meal- ie nearly 7 hours a day! He's a lovely boy with a wonderful sense of humour, bur I really think that he is developing a problem with (not to say an addiction to) this silly zapping aliens computer game. I feel that it's really beneath him and his intelligence to spend so much time doing this and not interacting with anyone else.

So last night I went into the study, apologised for what I was about to do, and took his computer. He didn't put up a fight, or protest much at all, so I'm wondering if he realises that he has a problem and wants me to help him with it. I've already had a chat with him about the amount of time he's spending playing, and asked him to ask for help if he wanted it, but I think that's really the last thing any teenager worth their salt would do.

So, was IBU to take it? And more to the point, what the heck should I do next? I've hidden the computer for the time being, but what next?

OP posts:
Original poster
duchesse · 01/12/2009 11:03

Aaaaargh! "taken his computer" Typing one-handed while breast feeding!

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 01/12/2009 11:06

It sounds like he was playing this game far too much, and, as the owner of a 16-year-old boy myself, I completely understand why you did what you did, and no, you were not unreasonable at all - as you say, his reaction showed that he doesn't think it was unreasonable either.

For the longer term, could you put some sort of control in place on the pc - dh has set up the dses computers so they log off the internet at a given time. Or put some sort of timer on the socket, so it switches off at a certain time - you could sit down with your ds, talk through your concerns about the length of time he spends on this game, and negotiate with him some reasonable limits that the timer etc would police.

Buda · 01/12/2009 11:08

My sister found her 10 year old was wanting to do nothing else except play video games so her husband put it into his car on a Monday and took it to work and brought it home again on Fridays for a while. Now it is just banned during the week and he is fine with it.

I think you have completely done the right thing.

Original poster
duchesse · 01/12/2009 16:58

It is slightly complicated by the fact that it's his own laptop that he earned the money to buy, so I feel like a bit of heel to be depriving him of the fruits of his own labour. Plus I don't have admin rights on his laptop and he's protected it with a password to prevent people (ie his sisters) from using it willy nilly.

OP posts:
AliGrylls · 01/12/2009 17:13

I don't think YANBU - I would do the same if DS (currently only 6 months) spent 7 hours per day on his computer (obviously I am imagining him as a 16 yr old).

Think of all the things he could be doing eg, reading a book, playing a sport, sleeping even!

Original poster
duchesse · 01/12/2009 18:29

But what should I doooo? He's just asked for it back and I said no. Does letting him have it at weekends only sound reasonable to you?

OP posts:
whichwitchisthis · 01/12/2009 18:37

does he not need the laptop for his homework?

diddl · 01/12/2009 18:39

Could you cut him down to an hour a day?

mrsjammi · 01/12/2009 18:42

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30andLurking · 01/12/2009 18:49

Good on him for using his free periods to actually WORK in, I just seem to remember making endless amounts of toast and talking crap during mine. If he is on top of his homework then that's one good thing to come out of it.

I reckon give it back to him, with good humour, and few conditions.

Get him to give you the admin password for starters, just so you know it is only an aliens game and nothing more sinister that he's doing for 7 seven hours a day.

If it is just one really addictive game, if it's one you play by loading in a DVD/similar, so you could take the physical game away for a bit or ration its use. Or if it's one that's installed on the machine get him to uninstall it (and show you it being done) until he's got over the addiction (he may well already have done that if he hasn't had the machine for a couple of days, and be feeling a bit sheepish!).

Seeing as he seems good at time management, albeit for slightly odd reasons, hows'about rewarding/encouraging that by doing something he would enjoy during one or two evenings a week - let him choose a film/DVD for the night/go to the cinema (if he'd go with you)/teach him how to cook his favourite meal (you can tell him it'll help get the girls!)

Original poster
duchesse · 01/12/2009 18:54

I'd like him to interact more with his nearest and dearest, trawl his way through the works of Dostoievsky (European sp?), set up a business- I don't know- just something that doesn't involve spending 7 hours a day doing an essentially passive activity. Right at the moment he is speaking nicely to his sisters, which is lovely.

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Bigbadmummy · 01/12/2009 18:57

Take comfort in that you know where he is and he is not out lurking on street corners or smoking behind the bus shelter, or knocking old ladies over.

I do sympathise with you though.

My daughter is the same but I believe in the first paragraph and let her get on with it.

I used to be in my room listening to music as a teenager and it drove my parents mad that I was never downstairs with them but locked away upstairs.

Some things never change I guess.

mrsjammi · 01/12/2009 18:58

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CirrhosisByTheSea · 01/12/2009 19:51

I think you have certainly done the right thing. If he's working during lunch/free periods, then he's not interacting much with people during the day and then he's isolating himself at home.

Agree with other people that it needs to go back to him with limits imposed. Agree he needs to show you that he can bring other things into his life, whether it be, heaven forbid actually going out to do some sort of activity, or just spending time chatting with his family.

chegirl · 01/12/2009 20:06

I think you have done the right thing. The fact he didnt kick up a fuss says a lot.

I spend far to much time on the internet. Way, way too much.

I wish someone would whip my laptop away for a while to break the awful habit.

I limit myself more now. I dont log on until after the kids are in bed. Sometimes I need to look something up and before I know it I have spent an hour on mumsnet!

Its mad. I gave up smoking just like that. Decided to not eat meat one day and havent done so for over 20 years, can manange not to drink whenever I want to stop. But the computer thing seems so much harder somehow.

I wish you were my mum

Tizzyjacko · 01/12/2009 20:15

YANBU

Does he have wireless internet. When my DS was doing GCSEs we cut off the wireless connection. He still had the laptop for school work but without the distraction of MSN, facebook and football blogs. He (reluctantly) agreed it was a sensible move and we agreed he could use the computer downstairs whenever he needed too.

Taking it away altogether is ok as a short sharp shock but now you need to agree some longer term strategy together to help him control his craving to play this game.

niftyfifty · 01/12/2009 20:33

I don't think YABU and like others have said, seems he doesn't either as he didn't put up much of a fuss. Giving it back but with agreed time limits seems an ideal compromise - good luck!

You've also given me the kick start I need to limit my DS (12) on his PS3 - have had yet another row this evening about turning it off and doing his homework. Like your DS, it is virtually all he does when he comes home from school. It wasn't so bad during the summer when he could go out to play but now the dark nights are here that's not an option and I'm struggling to get him to do anything else.

Original poster
duchesse · 02/12/2009 08:55

Where do you live Chegirl young lady? I'm coming round RIGHT NOW to take your laptop. You'd better have finished your homework by the time I get there, cos it's going into detention!

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HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy · 02/12/2009 08:59

I think you were right to take it away for a short while. The good thing is, he is doing his work albeit in the lunchtime etc, at least it is getting done.

Maybe limit his time on the puter from now on, until he can learn to switch it off after a while himself.

Original poster
duchesse · 02/12/2009 09:00

Tizzy- we have wireless internet, yes, but THANK GOODNESS we also have very thick walls and it doesn't reach his room at the other end of the house. So he is playing in the study. From which I conclude that he can only play this game whilst on the internet.

I don't really view taking his laptop as a moral issue. I feel a heel for depriving him of it since he earned it, but I know I'm doing it for his own good. Now I just need him to start to consider realistically how much time he spends on this game- he says he "only" plays for 2 hours a day, which is just not the case. I think that once he truly realises quite how time he's sinking into it, he will see sense and let me install some controls on it, but at the moment, it's staying in jail. I just think he's developing a real problem (akin to an alcohol addiction) that he needs help kicking.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 02/12/2009 09:02

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fiveisanawfullybignumber · 02/12/2009 09:17

YANBU. I had a similar issue with my son, 17 year above.
What we did find out is that "working in the library" for our DS is code for dossing with my mates. Parents eve was a bit of a shocker, but drill seargant dad is on the case now. Yes internet, facebook, computer games were all to blame, again on his personal laptop. It now stays downstairs, he uses it for work only! He's now encouraged to work downstairs so he's not locked away in his bedroom all evening, and can now interact with the rest of the family.

One word of warning though, most schools/colleges do not stress how important AS levels really are. DS got far lower than was expected, 2 B's & 2 C's. These results have affected his predicted A level grades and cost him a place at his 1st choice Uni, and he's now resitting most modules in Jan to try and improve, but it's too late for UCAS applications. The jump from GCSE's to AS is huge, it shocked my DS who's naturally bright but lazy as hell.
Good luck with your DS, but encourage him to plan his work/revision well. A skill he'll need to have independantly if going to Uni.

borderslass · 02/12/2009 09:59

YABU a 16 year old is not a child the more you sanction things the less they are prepared for independent living.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 02/12/2009 10:04

ho-ho at 'independant living' - independant living is not playing your computer all day in a nice, warm house with your food and washing done on tap.

Taking it away and encouraging other activities is a helpful thing. A 16 year old still needs guidance.

How about a part-time job or a sport he can take up?

borderslass · 02/12/2009 10:12

laurie my daughter at 16 didn't hsve things taken away she could quite easily run a house at 14 shes now 18, my now 14 year old daughter is the same we respect them and they treat us the same.
I wasn't just on about computers taking things away doesn't teach you anything at 16.
I'd left home just after turning 16.