...to have taken my son's computer away?

[duchesse]

He's 16 and in year 12. Although he's doing fine at school in his ASs (Maths, Chemistry, Physics, Economics and Critical Thinking), he never seems to do any homework at home. He spends every lunchtime and every free period doing it instead.

However he spends a ridiculous amount of time playing the same computer game. He plays from the moment he gets home at round 5pm until he goes to bed at around midnight, breaking for around 20 mns for our evening meal- ie nearly 7 hours a day! He's a lovely boy with a wonderful sense of humour, bur I really think that he is developing a problem with (not to say an addiction to) this silly zapping aliens computer game. I feel that it's really beneath him and his intelligence to spend so much time doing this and not interacting with anyone else.

So last night I went into the study, apologised for what I was about to do, and took his computer. He didn't put up a fight, or protest much at all, so I'm wondering if he realises that he has a problem and wants me to help him with it. I've already had a chat with him about the amount of time he's spending playing, and asked him to ask for help if he wanted it, but I think that's really the last thing any teenager worth their salt would do.

So, was IBU to take it? And more to the point, what the heck should I do next? I've hidden the computer for the time being, but what next?

borders- I take your point, which is exactly why I came on here to ask for help, but I do agree that he is hardly living independent;y. Every child is different though. My 14 yr old daughter can also very easily run a house now. I suspect that even my 12 yr old might be better at it than my son however. He still needs a lot of help and guidance from us, not because we haven't empowered him, but because his takeup rate has been rather slower than his sisters'!

Thank you Helen for fixing the thread title! It was really bothering me.

As we said to our DS1 "respect has to be earned!" If one is disrespecting the house, parents & rest of the family, one is treated like a child again for a while.
Just because they are 16 doesn't mean they can do what they damn well like and blow the consequences.
As parents it's our job to guide and help them, and if that means a short sharp shock every once in a while to bring them to their senses, it's better than a load of cocky teenagers running around thinking they can do what they like. If they were in a job and playing games all the time instead of working (revising, doing homework), they'd be disciplined and possibly sacked.
And is it not far better to try to get them to learn to work and manage their time independantly (with some guidance in how to do it) now, or they're going to fall flat on their faces at Uni??

They do seem to lead to obsessive behavior, especialy in teen boys. If he was reading all the time I'd be concerned too. Interacting with family is also vital at this age or else they can become isolated and problems hidden.
I think there needs to be balance in their life is what I'm trying to say. Although at the moment revision is the main thing being done in our house, if they want to go further in life, they've got to work damned hard now.
SIL has just finished Uni and says that actually, A levels was the hardest years of her life so far, but got her where she wants to be now.

I know where you are coming from , but I think your reaction is a bit OTT.Perhaps i would have set a limit of 2 hours game play.Apparently game play is supposed to be very good for the mind in moderation - requiring concentration , ability to process lots of information at once. Would you feel as bad if he watching TV as much ?
He does need other interest too though
Does he play an instrument / play a sport ?
would he be interested in doing Duke of Edinbugh ?

Just out of interest, does anyone else who's commented here have kids going through AS levels or A levels at the moment?
It's not just summer exams anymore, they're in january too.
DS1's college have said they expect students to be doing a minimum of 2 hrs revision a night. He has 6 exams in Jan and a further 6 in May.
OP's son has probably got similar coming up and will need to be putting in the revision too, as well as spending time with his family, not festering in his room playing games.

Duchesse, we have a BT home-hub thingy and we have set it so that the internet cannot be accessed after a certain time.

Some of those online games are very enticing and fulfill a lot social needs for all age-groups. However, if he is completing all his prep at school, it is unlikely that he is reaching the depth needed to do very well in his exams. (Obviously, he may be a very able student but even the clever can stretch themselves a bit!)

At least now you have established a family boundary and can start a negotiation with your son about the future. It's important that he learns to manage his own time and,as Riven suggests, spends some time being sloth-like. However, your son's usage sounds extreme and I would have done the same thing.

It's how you discuss the future use that matters, I think.

I wish someone would take my computer away!

Had a chat with our DS1 last night, as we curtailed his gaming, facebooking etc a couple of weeks ago. We did ask him to keep his laptop downstairs and only use for college work. He actually thanked us, said he now realised he had a problem limiting his time gaming etc and realises he needs help organising his time better if he's going to get into Uni. At 17 he's not quite an adult yet and obviously does still need our help and guidance, that's why he's chosen Unis all within 2-3 hours travelling time of home. (Manchester was over, but he's decided it's too far.)
I left home at 16 to go to a residential college, and to be honest I was too young. I wish I'd had more help and guidance from my parents. After all the job of being a parent doesn't just stop once they're 18 or leave home. I still get guidance nowdays from my mum with things (thankfully we're very close now.)
I think my long and rambling point is, they may be 16 or 17 but they are still not quite equiped with the old heads that we've got. As parents it's still our job to help them when they're floundering, and sometimes we know best, even if they don't agree at the time. It's that fine balance of giving them roots AND wings, and hopefully preventing a few major cockups along the way.

I can't begin to tell you how delighted I am that the boy has at last, after a 6 month break since just before his exams started, asked me to take hom back to judo. (It's a 15 mile drive and he can't get here alone, before anyone mutters about not letting him be independent!). I asked him in the car on the way here what he wanted me to do about his computer. He suggested I just gave it back to him at weekends. He told me the name of the game- it's called zombie frontier or something and he plays it online. He acknowledged that it is addictive, which may explain why he didn't kick up a fuss when I took the puter. And now here we are back at judo, and I have my lovely boy back rather than the red eyed recluse he was becoming.

yep - id say give it back. been there done that and have the T shirt...

DS is 18 (his b/day was yesterday!) we have had constant battles over the laptop - i even chucked one out the window at 3am one morning. fruitless and pointless. he is also doing A levels, and spends much the same amount of time on his.

My ds's lappy is the love of his life. he socialises with it, he got himself a part time job as a computer programmer with it and uses it for the job, he has aspergers and his entire life evolves around that computer. so, ive decided to butt out. as long as he continues to do his college work ok, and remembers to eat then ive made my peace with it. your son sounds quite typical of boys with their computers. id give it back.

Kerrymumbles, what happens when you've tried talking to them and it still doesn't break the addictive habit that could actually ruin their chances of going to Uni and fulfilling their dreams. As a caring parent do you just sit back and watch them throw their lives away as if you don't give a damn!Or do you give them a short sharp shock and a chance to re-asses?
For goodness sake, we have a nation of disrespectful teenagers running amok (ok not all but some) doing whatever they please because some parents can't be bothered to (or don't know how to) parent properly!
Get a grip people, they are not quite adults yet, almost there but they still need our help to become well rounded and balanced individuals!

I think it sounds as if you have handled this well, duchesse, and are being a responsible, involved parent rather than 'way the fuck out of line'. Computer game addiction is a serious problem - who knows where it would have ended had you not intervened?

Good for you for having the courage to step in and provide the shock he needed to make him start reassessing his behaviour. Much braver, imo, than taking the 'well, he's an adult/independent living/blah blah blah' line and copping out of having to do anything. Those who advocate that approach, if you saw one of your friends or an adult member of your family spiralling into addiction of any form - drugs/ alcohol? - would you be happy to leave them to it?

I have to say Lion that was the line I took with it. We let it run for several months waiting for him to get bored and begin to moderate his own use. Several times over that time I mentioned that he seemed to be spending an awful lot of time in a one-to-one with the laptop, and did he need help or for me to do something, but he mostly just laughed off my concerns and told me he didn't spend anywhere near as much time as I thought he did on it.

So about three weeks I started very actively monitoring how much time he was spending on it (by dropping benignly into the study to find out what was doing on it); I realised that he had actually no idea how long he was spending playing the game, which rang alarm bells for me. He thought he was spending about 2 hours a day playing it, but as I mentioned before it was more like 6 or 7.

Although he is of course nearly old enough to drive, vote, get married etc, does not mean to say that he has the life experience to recognise a thing like addiction, nor have the tools to deal with it. I actually think that I am doing him a favour and that he'll be grateful later -he's actually pretty grateful now, to wit the lack of resistance over the removal of the laptop and the mature way he's talked about it since. I have to say I was expecting him to be a lot more angry than he is. I really think he realises I've done it because I love him and care about him, rather than just to piss him off.

Duchesse, you've definately done the right thing in my opinion. As caring parents it's our job to step in from time to time to make sure they don't completely balls things up.
Well done!