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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my CBT therapist is living in cloud cuckoo land?

89 replies

othermother · 30/11/2009 23:16

I actually want to tell her to just fuck right off!

She's very lovely and all that,but I don't think she has much life experience at all, and she's telling me that I am supposed to replace my negative feelings with positive ones. My main problem is my youngest son who has asd and he's extrememly challenging, and my biggest gripe is that my dh just cannot handle him and so I end up dealing with all his behaviours (on top of work, housework, looking after the other kids etc) and she expects me to turn my neg feelings round by thinkibng that dh "tries" to help.

I want to fucking knock six something or others (far too stressed to even remember the phrase) and ram them down his throat NOT praise him for fucking trying. I'm sick of being the one doing it all, and then now I'm supposed to feel I'm wrong for feeling angry and am supposed to find some positive somewhere out of all of this. I'm not best happy.

OP posts:
serinBrightside · 01/12/2009 00:30

Well happy birthday anyway and keep us posted for how it goes on Wednesday. Will keep an ear open for any stories on the news involving CBT therapists.

Niecie · 01/12/2009 00:37

I don't know, CBT is supposed to help you see things in a different light. There are no positive or negative experiences, they only become positive or negative based on your attitude to them and that is the only thing you can change. The situation can't be changed, only the way you approach it. However, whilst I don't necessarily think CBT is wrong I can't comment on your personal therapist only on the concept of CBT - she just be the wrong counsellor for you or genuinely rubbish. She does sound like she is regurgitating a textbook rather than adapting the approach to you and your situation.

BUT, whilst I don't think you should necessarily give up on the CBT, I do think that your DH needs to get his butt in gear and could probably do with some sort of therapy or help too. He needs to step up and take some responsibility and realise that this is for life and he can't just hide his head in the sand and leave it all to you.

So I think there are 2 separate issues really.

With regards to getting help, you shouldn't need a dx. The school should be able to help out without a formal dx because they should be able to handle your DS's behaviours regardless of the label that eventually gets given to him. I have a DS with AS and I wouldn't say that a dx made that much difference to the help he got because the help had already started. However, he has a mild case which undoubtedly makes a difference.

Are the school supporting you in getting a dx or are they pretending there isn't a problem?

dittany · 01/12/2009 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 01:03

CBT may help if your problems lie in how you are framing a situation. Nobody can tell you that black is white though, and expect you to suck it up.

But Happy Birthday anyway

Niecie · 01/12/2009 01:12

Just to clarify, I don't necessarily agree that there are no positive or negative experiences.

However, I do think that people can change their attitudes to events or experiences and that is where CBT can be helpful. Otherwise, why is it that two people can experience the same situation and one person can struggle and the other can take life as it comes and remain upbeat. It can only be down to their attitude surely?

It is probably the case that CBT is either wrong for othermother at the moment or that she needs other help and her DH needs a kick up the arse some help too.

skihorse · 01/12/2009 03:55

She might very well be a little naive about life, but I'm sure she's heard it all before.

So your husband isn't as good as you at coping - and you are rejecting his good points i.e., "he tries". He is trying, it is a positive, but because his standards don't match yours you're ridiculing him and your therapist... interesting.

Tell me about your mother...

Tee2072 · 01/12/2009 06:32

As someone who has been in every type of therapy known to man, CBT is not what you need. You need your DH to step up. He's the one who should be having therapy, not you.

And Happy Birthday!!

skihorse · 01/12/2009 08:46

Tee2072 - How did that therapy work out for you? What with nothing being your fault and everyone else having to change?

Tee2072 · 01/12/2009 08:52

Skihorse I have actually never been taught anything useful in CBT. I think its a load of crap.

In fact, I am currently being evaluated for more therapy and my psych nurse suggested CBT to which I said, no f*cking way.

But of course, nothing is my fault and everyone else does have to change.

2ChildrenPlusLA · 01/12/2009 08:55

pmsl at this thread.

You need respite so they give you 'therapy'.

Says it all. Mother's struggling so blame her!

ha ha ha ha

Why don't you suggest your next CBT happens at your house, then leave the therapists with the kids and go out of an hour or two. You'll get results faster imo.

yellowvan · 01/12/2009 09:01

I totally agree with Dittany and tee, CBt is great for eg OCD, weight loss or stopping smoking, but it is not is not a cure-all (even though it is ofteen hailed as one)and doesn't change the behaviour or responses of "other people".

I totally get that "don't tell me what to think and It's all my fault for LOOKING at it wrong". You need practical support by the sound of it
I'll hold her, and you hit her [wink

numnumnumnum · 01/12/2009 09:10

I had one session of CBT therapy and it made me feel worse than ever. I was only 18 at the time of the therapy. I had just finally admitted that I had been sexually abused for a period of time 10 years previously.
The therapist kept talking about my accent and saying how well I spoke > almost implying that I couldn't have been abused because I didn't sound common .
She then went on to say that she thought I was fine and that maybe I should think about how my abusers felt, see things from their perspective. I left feeling so guilty and confused. I had thought for a long time that the abuse was my fault but I was overcoming that and then she basically said that it wasn't the abusers fault. That evening I was the closest I've ever come to committing suicide.

OP what you need is respite and your DH needs to get his arse in gear and learn to handle your DS.

Namechanged for this.

edam · 01/12/2009 09:16

So you are exhausted, trying to cope with everything on your own because your dh abdicates his responsibility, and this daft woman tells you 'don't be too hard on him, just try to think positively'? Wow, that must be really helpful...

It's all very well saying you can only change your response to situations, not other peoples' - but actually what you need is practical help and to somehow get dh realise as a father he has a responsibility to ds. Therapist should be helping with your relationship, not saying 'think positively'.

hohoholepew · 01/12/2009 09:21

If I were you I'd be pissed off at DH not the therapist.

Elfytigga · 01/12/2009 09:23

Try transactional analysis[sp?] it's much less touchy feely in my experience.

BTW CBT means something completely different amongst the fetish community - maid oi smile.

HasSeenThingsYouWouldn'tBelieveTiggaxx

positiveattitudeonly · 01/12/2009 09:25

Op you must have the same CBT therapist my daughter is seeing for her CFS/ME.
If you don't get her, I will...seeing her for the next arguement session on Friday!

hohoholepew · 01/12/2009 09:27

Stop saying bad things about CBT , my DD is due to start it soon . You're making me nervous.

Hand over the gin.

cece · 01/12/2009 09:29

Perhaps the time might be better spent sending your DH for training on how to handle your DC? rather than you learning how to cope with him not coping?

Brunettelady · 01/12/2009 09:31

I had CBT for M.E./CFS and what a load of shite!!! It made no difference and everything I said about how I felt, the therapist said "oh yeah I feel like that" He didn't have M.E./CFS so somehow I don't think it was the same. I think CBT is a load of crap that doctors tell you you need when it doesn't really do anything. I think counselling is better.

BTW YANBU, I hate being told just to think positively!

travellingwilbury · 01/12/2009 09:31

I think CBT def has a place but it is often used as a miracle cure for everything .

I was referred for CBT therapy after my son died . Try putting a sodding positive on that . Funnily enough therapy was changed rather quickly .

ReneRusso · 01/12/2009 09:41

She doesn't sound very helpful. I am a veteran of therapy, (but I haven't had CBT), in my experience it is important to be allowed to be angry and express your feelings, even if they are unpleasant or unreasonable. Sounds like she is invalidating your feelings. Hope you can give it to her straight on Wednesday.
Brunettelady, that's ing I have had some very very basic counselling training and the first thing you learn is not to say "oh yeah I feel like that"

tethersend · 01/12/2009 09:56

Agree with those who have found CBT worse than ineffective.

I was diagnosed with PND and referred for CBT- although the counsellor was lovely, it was if she were reading from a script... When she touched upon some traumatic experiences, she would engineer them to fit her hypothesis.

"So, how did that make you feel?"
"Upset"
"Anything else?"
"Angry"
"Anything else?"
"Alone"
"Anything else?"
"Errr...no, not really"
"Nothing else at all?"
"No"
"Really? You didn't even feel cold?"
"No"
"Not even a bit?"
"Well, maybe a bit , I suppose..."

"Right, so you felt cold... why do you think this was? How could you turn it around and feel warm?"

"I have to go, I think I've left the gas on"

Totally ignoring the real issues. It was bizarre.

And dawntigga, I have heard the other definition too

Gah.

morningpaper · 01/12/2009 10:05

Transactional Analysis would be more suitable BUT your DH not being a lame donkey would also be more suitable.

Have you tried RELATE?

TBH I would just pay £40 a session and find a decent couple's therapist, preferably one who focuses on Transactional Analysis type work - cheaper in the long run that (a) a breakdown or (b) a divorce

Brunettelady · 01/12/2009 10:09

Rene, I didn't know that! It actually makes me feel better to know that as it is the only thing I remember fom my CBT as he said it EVERYTHING I said EVERY session! At least I know (hopefully) other therapists won't be saying those extrememly unhelpful words. .

minxofmancunia · 01/12/2009 10:11

I'm a trainee cbt therapist and i'm pretty sceptical about the evangelistic (word?) attitude my trainers and cbt gurus have towards it as an approach. They promote it like it's some sort of religion! And they won't hear any criticism or a word against it, very blinkered and inflexible imo. Ironic considering it's supposed to encourage some flexibilty of thought .

It can be v helpful esp with anxiety disorders. It sounds like your therapist is v textbook whicj unfortunately is how some therapists are trained have to get the person to fit into the formulation (little diagram) etc etc. Howver there's a 3rd "wave" of cbt therapies that's more eclectic i.e validating peoples emotions you've every right to feel angry! And also compassion focussed therapy essentially encpuraging people to give themselves a break again don't feel bad for feeling angry you've every right!

No type of therapy can eliminate lifes stressors but it can chnage the way to evaluate and appraise situations which may in turn lead to a shift in emotional intensity and behaviour. I.e losing your temper with your dh might not be helpful so doing something differently might work better (although this is hypothetical it may well be helpful, i'd lose my temper too if i were you!).

Hope you can be blunt with her and get this dealt with! If not it maybe that another approach/therapist might be for you.