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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent my mum's attempt to hijack Christmas Dinner?

49 replies

PacificDogwood · 30/11/2009 21:16

I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now and I genuinely do not know whether I am an ungrateful precious petal or a grown woman with a right to a bit of autonomy:

I am still spitting bile after a phone call with my mother a couple of nights ago. My parents and all my family live abroad but visit regularly. We invited my parents to come to our house for Christmas and after much humming and hawing (the cost, the stress, the noise of grandsons x3 )they are coming on the 17th.

So on the phone, my mum asks me to ask my DH what he would like her to make for Christmas Day Dinner!

I find this very irritating on many levels, I do not really know where to start:

the fact that she is my guest and will jolly well eat whatever I put in front of her
or
that DH's preference is obviously more important than anybody else's
or
that it is my job to panic worry about Christmas Dinner in my house, not hers
or
that I want (and make no mistake, will get) a nice relaxing Christmas time where good food and drink will feature highly but will NOT be a source of stress and hassle (M+S Foodhall, here I come )

When my parents are here they are always a brilliant help which I welcome: they are an extra pair of hands, do a lot of the childcare during their stay (their choice, childminder is available as when they are not here), do some of the day to day shopping and my mum cooks a lot which I really enjoy.
I work 4 days a week in a demanding professional job, DSs are 6, 5 and 20 months. I am expecting No4.

My mum has always needed to be needed or at least that is my pop psychology explanation. My parents are shocked that I still work (my mum was SAHM from when I was born). I honestly often wonder why they encouraged and paid for a long and expensive qualification for me.

But surely if you are invited for Christmas it is not your job to organise/plan Christmas dinner? Help chop the vegetables, by all means. Lay the table. Keep the kids happy whilst dinner gets prepared. All that.

But decide what is going to be served??

Please give me your thoughts: ungrateful or justifiably feeling that my territory is being invaded?

OP posts:
mamhaf · 30/11/2009 21:25

I think you're being a bit harsh, sorry - she's offering to help and bear some of the cost.

Is it such a problem that she likes to be needed? Just put your feet up and let her do what she wants - with a busy job and soon-to-be 4 children it sounds like the help would be a bonus.

TootaLaFruit · 30/11/2009 21:26

No, not BU, its understandable that you wouldn't want her to take over and rule the roost (which I can understand she is doing by taking over the meal planning and focusing on your DH), but you also mention lost of lovely things that your parents do (childcare etc) so I reckon just focus on these and let the niggles go.
Easier said than done - my mother also has the ability to push all my anger buttons - but try and it sounds like you could have a lovely Xmas with them.
If she mentions your DH and what he'd like again, say "Well, he's already told me he's really looking forward to the turkey/goose/trifle/whatever that I've planned so I don't think I'll be needing any help with the meal planning. Thanks!"

mazzystartled · 30/11/2009 21:48

YABU but I get it

Decide you want her special bread sauce or whatever - let he feel important and not unmatriarched (trying to think of mum version of emasculated)

I think you are overthinking the rest

They are staying a long time though. good luck with that!

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 30/11/2009 21:48

Thank you both.

It is not the offer of help, you understand. She did not say "What are you planning for Christmas dinner? Can I help?" or "I know you are working right up to Christmas, how about I did dinner?".
No, it was "Go and ask DH what he would like for Christmas dinner".

I just find that intrusive and entirely ingoring the fact that I have a life of my own.

Oh I know I am overinterpreting . However the fact is that she has totally alienanted her DIL and my brother who live v close to my parents because of not understanding or accepting boundaries even when they are pointed out to her.

I would really like to avoid a falling out, I love my parents and there have not been any major issued (probably partially because there IS a fair distance between us ).

I just think she could have phrased it differently.
AND she should really only take on other people's problems when she is not stressed out of her box herself as she keeps telling me she is.

Yes, parents and children, they both know how to press buttons, don't they?

OP posts:
bigchris · 30/11/2009 21:54

just be the bigger person and say 'thanks mum dh is happy with whatever i'm cooking' job done

if she is very insistent say dh would love a trifle and bottle of fizz on boxing day

meaningofnight · 30/11/2009 21:55

My mother once came for Sunday lunch and brought sandwiches for everyone (despite me having told her that I was cooking a roast dinner).

MadameDuBain · 30/11/2009 21:56

YANBU, she overstepped the mark. As you say it is not an offer of help, it's just assuming she'll take over - and as for your mum asking your DH what food he wants - gah!

I have had someone offer to do xmas dinner this year and even though it was offered kindly I bristled (luckily it was by email so I could compose a polite reply). No, if there are guests in my house I want to be in control of things like that. I feel like you, that it's my territory.

What I said was that we will be doing the cooking and I would love the guests to play with DS as that will be more fun for him.

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 30/11/2009 22:03

Yes, hm, the bigger person, bigchris, I am working on that...

If it is true that one is only truly "grown up" when ones parents lose the power to irritate, I am but a toddler, gah!

LOL at sandwiches, meaningofnight! How did you keep a straight face?

OP posts:
baskingseals · 30/11/2009 23:03

YANBU, but don't let it ruin your christmas with your boys. Try to maintain a friendly calm polite exterior while quietly doing what you want to do. Think Jane Austen.

Ivykaty44 · 30/11/2009 23:06

You say - mum that is a lovely thought but I have dinner on christams day all under control and it would be supper if you want to get in the kitchen on boxing day and rustle up something fab - let me know what you are thinking of so we can go to the supermarket when you get here and buy the stuff.

take control but so that she still gets a lookin on your terms

moondog · 30/11/2009 23:16

Jeez, woman, get a grip.
She is
Trying
To
Help.

Chez moondog any big en famille session involves peopel going 'I'll take care of the booze/cheese/pudding/fireworks/dancing girls'

It's what families do, surely?

serinBrightside · 30/11/2009 23:17

Sorry, I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

You say youself that you have a demanding career and three boys and Bless her she just sounds that she really wants to take the pressure off you.

Bloody hell, I wish someone would offer to come here and offer to cook Christmas dinner!

scottishmummy · 30/11/2009 23:18

what is your beef she is trying to help?allocate mum some tasks,get her involved

klonger · 30/11/2009 23:25

YANBU - your house, your party, you do the organising and the delegation of tasks. My mum is precisely the same. Whatever the occasion, she wants to be in charge - this year it's Christmas AND my gran's 90th birthday (just after New Year) - and I find it completely galling that she can't let go and enjoy being a guest for at least one of the two. She enjoys the martyrdom of having to constantly rush around and be busy while everyone else relaxes and has a good time....which just winds me up no end. I think it's that and the implicit suggestion that, no matter how hard you try you will never do as good a job she would have done.

Solution? Firm but fair is how I try to approach it. Last christmas we spent together with my partner's family as well as her and my brother. I asked her to do one or two specific jobs, but told her that we would be doing the cooking as we were hosting. Best trick was sending her to the farm to collect the turkey (was a 60 mile round trip and took ages on Xmas Eve - kept her out of the way for hours!) Good luck!

Thingiebob · 30/11/2009 23:27

YANBU
Of course it is irritating that she would assume she would be cooking! It's the subtext isn't it?

If this was me I would privately blow a fuse at this, but point out politely that I'm cooking the dinner as part of hosting Christmas and any help she can offer would be gratefully accepted.

Mums, eh?!

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 30/11/2009 23:35

If she said 'go and ask DH what he wants' SIBU, otherwise YABU.

Now, think of something nice and expensive and ask for that. But not wine - other people's ideas of how much wine may be required is often frankly ludicrous a little ungenerous

AmericanHag · 30/11/2009 23:36

YANBU. You know your mother better than we do, and she sounds very controlling even from here.

If you really don't want help, tell her you've got it covered and INSIST she not bring food. Good luck on this, because I used to very plainly tell my ILs not to bring food and they did anyway.

Or you can just put her to work. Let her feel needed while you take a break to hang out with your husband and kids. Decide what YOU want for Christmas dinner and tell her that's what DH wants. Just go with the flow and let HER get stressed out, not you.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

BitOfFun · 30/11/2009 23:42

YANBU to feel she is muscling in- (sp?), but it is easily deflected with this much notice. You just say "Oh no no no, you are our guests,but any help with childcare and peeling the veggies all welcome! So looking forward to seeing you etc etc"

CirrhosisByTheSea · 01/12/2009 00:21

I think she's trying to mark out a space for herself as a capable woman etc rather than a 'granny' who is coming to put her slippers on and be what she must see as sidelined...It is possible she's not ready for her christmas hosting years to be over.

Also I think you're a little harsh about 'why did they pay for all that studying for me' - they clearly were committed to you and your development and you having a career - just of the page here it reads as if it's a possibility, like many people, they thought you might stay home in the kids' early years. It's not your view, fine, of course - but just because they have a different view doesn't mean it was weird that they helped you.

PurpleLostPrincess · 01/12/2009 01:22

I'd be honest and say "Mum, that sounds a bit overbearing!! I'd appreciate your help by all means, but you could have worded it a bit differently!!". Continue with the conversation, staying in control...

blinks · 01/12/2009 01:29

you'd be much wiser giving her something to cook that would divert her from causing further offence.

you definately sound a tad sensitive but that could be because she's maybe generally controlling and overbearing...

why not ask her to cook the meal for boxing day or christmas eve? just say you've already planned xmas day's food.

lighten up a bit (prepare for guilt trip), we have no family support due to horrendous trauma and you really don't know how lucky you really are.

howdidthishappenthen · 01/12/2009 04:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would likewise be narked. Your day, help hugely appreciated when accepted on your terms. Perhaps go back with something along the lines of 'Christmas dinner is all in hand but what would be a godsend would be in you & dad could be in charge of Christmas breakfast so we could spend more time on pressies with the kids, and then also bring the pre-dinner nibbles/ starters/ puddings/ mints for the lunch. It would be a real weight off my mind on the day'.

I likewise have parents who happily poured money into educating me and encouraging me to be independent, then can't resist getting in small disapproving digs about the fact that I work more than DH (which is entirely and absolutely the way we both choose it). Madness, I tell you.

2rebecca · 01/12/2009 08:10

I would just politely tell her that you will be choosing xmas dinner meal content and wine but would be delighted if she'd help in all the preparation, also maybe ask her for boxing day or supper suggestions.
I think there's a difference between asking if you want her to bring anything and her asking you to ask your husband what he wants to eat.
I find it odd she asked the question.
Why didn't you just clarify the situation when she phoned "mum I'm sorting xmas dinner this year, it's at my house remember, just relax".

Vivia · 01/12/2009 08:18

Purple, you are totally right. One member of my DH's family are notoriously pushy and over-bearing. Relatives normally put up with it and fume later. My DH spells out what she has done, sort of repeats it back to her - works well.

OP, I don't think your mum is hijacking Christmas, just in full 'mum' mode - it must be really hard for a parent to remember their children are self-sufficient! My darling grandmother has a son of 60, a son of 40, and a newborn grandchild. She mothers them all the same sometimes, then reminds herself aloud that she's 'moved up' a role to granny. Don't stress. This is the kind of thing that, many years from now when your parents are no longer around (sorry), you might miss.

Be kind to yourself and your mum. YANexactlyBU but nor is she.

diddl · 01/12/2009 08:40

Couldn´t you just have told her that you already know what you are having, and any help with the cooking would be great?

I really think you are over analysing it all.