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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to resent my mum's attempt to hijack Christmas Dinner?

49 replies

PacificDogwood · 30/11/2009 21:16

I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now and I genuinely do not know whether I am an ungrateful precious petal or a grown woman with a right to a bit of autonomy:

I am still spitting bile after a phone call with my mother a couple of nights ago. My parents and all my family live abroad but visit regularly. We invited my parents to come to our house for Christmas and after much humming and hawing (the cost, the stress, the noise of grandsons x3 )they are coming on the 17th.

So on the phone, my mum asks me to ask my DH what he would like her to make for Christmas Day Dinner!

I find this very irritating on many levels, I do not really know where to start:

the fact that she is my guest and will jolly well eat whatever I put in front of her
or
that DH's preference is obviously more important than anybody else's
or
that it is my job to panic worry about Christmas Dinner in my house, not hers
or
that I want (and make no mistake, will get) a nice relaxing Christmas time where good food and drink will feature highly but will NOT be a source of stress and hassle (M+S Foodhall, here I come )

When my parents are here they are always a brilliant help which I welcome: they are an extra pair of hands, do a lot of the childcare during their stay (their choice, childminder is available as when they are not here), do some of the day to day shopping and my mum cooks a lot which I really enjoy.
I work 4 days a week in a demanding professional job, DSs are 6, 5 and 20 months. I am expecting No4.

My mum has always needed to be needed or at least that is my pop psychology explanation. My parents are shocked that I still work (my mum was SAHM from when I was born). I honestly often wonder why they encouraged and paid for a long and expensive qualification for me.

But surely if you are invited for Christmas it is not your job to organise/plan Christmas dinner? Help chop the vegetables, by all means. Lay the table. Keep the kids happy whilst dinner gets prepared. All that.

But decide what is going to be served??

Please give me your thoughts: ungrateful or justifiably feeling that my territory is being invaded?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2009 08:49

thank you for this! My granddad turned up at DS's christening with 2 huge quiches he'd made and I was furious! If he'd offered before that would have been one thing, but I was doing the food, there was plenty of quiche, I really resented it but assumed IWBU

Litchick · 01/12/2009 09:24

It's always annoying when someone tries to take over isn't it?
My Mum spends Christmas day dmanding to know where the fancy serving dishes are and how many tuypes of wine we're serving 'so I know what glasses to put out.'

But I grit my teeth and smile...because in her own way she's trying to help.

Give her somehting useful ( to you ) to do, like preparing all the veg, or washing up, or whatever.

kinnies · 01/12/2009 09:32

I want to have xmas with moondogs family

Knownowt · 01/12/2009 09:32

Hmmm, I can see it both ways. In your shoes I would be furious, absolutely spitting feathers at the idea of someone trying to take over (but I happily admit to be an utter control freak in the kitchen). On the other hand, I can well imagine your Mum meant well, that she's aware of how hard you work (and possibly a bit in awe of it, given that she didn't work outside the home herself) and that she wanted to relieve some of your burden, including the organisational burden, and overstepped the mark. I think it's really easy for mothers to do this, as it's hard for them to perceive you as as independent and separate form them as you perceive yourself to be, if you see what I mean.

Anyway, I'd call her and say "thanks so much for the offer to help with Christmas lunch. It would be brilliant if you could bring the pudding and cheese (or whatever)- I think I've got everything else under control". Gives her a role and makes her feel she's helping but also tells her to back off a bit.

PacificMistletoeAndNoWine · 01/12/2009 13:40

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. You just cannot beat "AIBU" for a bit of tough love common sense !

A mixed bag of opinions then, I take your comments on board.
I know I am overanalysing this and as you can imagine my mums question did not just come out of the blue but is in keeping with a long string of meaning-it-just-a-leetle-bit-too-well offenses. Like I said she has fallen out with my brother and his wife over this which is a shame as they live close and we are several hundred miles away from them.

Ok then, in summary: State calmly Chistmas Dinner menu is taken care off but any help would be greatly impreciated, righto.
That happens to be the God's honest truth as well.

Why oh why she is not happy to be a guest (for once, usually she is the totally stressed out of her box hostess with the mostest ) will remain a mystery to me, though.

Thanks again.

ninamag · 01/12/2009 13:49

I am facing my first Christmas without my mum, sadly she died in June. Haven't read all the posts but would just like to say. I would love to be able to have a Christmas row with my mum so for what its worth - just enjoy the day with your family, if she wants help cook let her. You never know you may even enjoy her being around.

PacificMistletoeAndNoWine · 01/12/2009 14:03

Oh, nina, so sorry for your loss.

One of the (many) things that make me feel so bad when I feel impatient/cross with my mum is just what you are saying: You never know when it is all too late .

My gran is still around at 96 and she still winds my mum up something terrible.
I just really do not want this tension to go on for however long.

I hope you can have a peaceful holiday season with your family.

diddl · 01/12/2009 14:10

Looking at the OP again,is there a particular dish that your mum enjoys making/makes really well.

It´s just that it doesn´t strike me that she is offering to cook the whole of the Christmas lunch.

geordieminx · 01/12/2009 14:29

Send her round to mine.

PacificMistletoeAndNoWine · 01/12/2009 14:30

covycrump · 01/12/2009 14:34

It's that line about your mother making whatever your DH wants for his Christmas lunch that would have got my back up too. Just reminded me of my own mother on the phone the other day - DC1 due in just over a week, and she's offering to come and stay in the early days to 'help' so that "your DP can get a decent night's sleep" .

This is definitely a territory issue, and YANBU to be irritated by it. Tell her that your DH has expressly asked her to be in charge of peeling sprouts and sprouts alone, as no-one else can put a cross in their bottoms like her.

ProfYaffle · 01/12/2009 14:48

"Why oh why she is not happy to be a guest" because it's all about control! My Dad's the same. Very well intentioned but has to be the host and control what everyone does and when. He's crap at coming to my house and accepting hospitality.

gagamama · 01/12/2009 15:27

YABU. Asking what DP wants her to make is surely just an offer to help out?

I was thinking only this morning whether I should bake mince pies to take to my aunt's at Christmas, or whether I should bake a different festive treat. I've already bought some Xmas pud ice cream to take along. I stupidly assumed this would be a nice gesture to my hosts (can't take a bottle of wine as aunt is a recovering alcoholic) - I had no idea that this kind of thing made people 'furious'!

I am almost in tears thinking of your poor grandad with his home-made quiches, StealthPolarBear.

mistletoekisses · 01/12/2009 15:38

YABU. Totally and utterly. I cannot believe that you are offended over this!

Most threads on here have how parents are descending/ dont help/ expect meals cooked/ being waited on hand and foot. And there is outrage at their behaviour, cue lots of 'make them stay in a hotel'

I expect your mum sees this as an opportunity to give you a well deserved break and actually enjoy christmas. My mum comes to stay, and cooks and kindly asks if there is something specific my DH would like to eat because she is kind and thoughtful lady! Am i offended? Not remotely. I sit back, relax and let her take care of us. And we then do the same for her.

Surely as moondog says, this is what family do???

Sn0wflake · 01/12/2009 15:42

You are pregnant right? I know it's annoying but I think this was her ham fisted way of trying to take the pressure off you. She would probably be very surprised and hurt if she knew you felt this way.

I only say this because I often get into this sort of thing with my mum and she's always trying her very hardest to make me happy....when she realises she's just annoyed me I feel like I have kicked a puppy.

Do better than me and try and be nice to her.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 01/12/2009 15:47

You work 4 days a week, you have 3 young children, having guests, you are 20 weeks pregnant and you are going to do Christmas single handed?

Oh let her cook.

OK, she asked about the menu, maybe a tad undiplomatically, but she did consult.

Let go....

PacificMistletoeAndNoWine · 01/12/2009 16:27

Oh, no, ilove, Mr Marks and Mr Sparks are going to do Christmas Dinner !

I thought I had said quite clearly that I appreciate and enjoy her (and my Dad's) help very much when they are here. I am luck to have them, and them to be fit AND prepared to be very hands on parents/grandparents.
To me though, "help" and "I am making Chistmas dinner" are two quite different things.

My parents have a key to my brother's house (for holdays/emergencies). My mum did not understand why my DIL was irritated by her showing up at 10am on a Sunday morning, letting herself in "to see if there was any washing that needed doing".
Surely there is an issue with bounderies there??

And yes, I know already there will be so many meals to be prepared during the whole holiday period my mum's help will be most welcome, "hamfisted" or not.

Journey · 01/12/2009 16:40

Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill! You need to chill out, and stop reading so much into things. Your Mum only wanted to help. What is so wrong in that?

ilovemydogandmrobama · 01/12/2009 16:50

Oh, I see. Yes, you did make it clear in your OP.

My mistake.

mazzystartled · 01/12/2009 17:12

What's your mum's cooking like?

Homecooking is usually nicer than and pre-prepped food - even M&S's, and maybe that's what your parents would prefer.

I'd be very tempted to let her do it, tbh, if I wasn't actually going to cook myself.

2rebecca · 02/12/2009 10:07

I think if my visitors would prepare to eat something different to what I plan to prepare then I'd rather they stayed at home and did their own xmas dinner.
If you decide to go to someone else you eat what you're given. If you don't like the sound of it you don't go, or don't go again.
Having said that last year when relatives round for xmas i did discuss with them what to have for main course.
I find roast dinners fairly low hassle though

Stigaloid · 02/12/2009 10:21

YABU but you are pregnant so completely understand. You have 3 children and are pregnant with 4th - you say she always helps when she comes to visit so why would she not assume she would help with a big meal when you are pregnant and probably wanting to spend precious time with your DC's on christmas. Sounds like a kind and generous offer from her to be honest. Put your feet up and enjoy being spoiled by your mum before you have another baby

gladders · 02/12/2009 10:21

YANBU - although maybe the hormones are maknig you crosser than normal?

parents and in laws do struggle to accept that we are all grown ups who make our own decisions! my MIL will definitely arrive with the kit to make a sherry trifle and these awful brown onions that are part of their family christmas. at no point has she asked if that's ok, she just does it. it is irritating and she does get in my way!

your Mum is trying to help and doesn't realise she has overstepped the mark.

go ahead with your planning, and then when she arrives tell her. maybe think of one specific dish she could cook?

OrmIrian · 02/12/2009 10:23

Ignore it. She's just making cheerful burbling noises about Christmas. Tell her that she doesn't have to worry about a thing - it's all in hand!

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