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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that other people always get what they want

30 replies

PrinceIngles · 29/11/2009 17:00

Ok so here's the situation. DH & I are in the process of fertility treatment. Since we told our close friends earlier this year about our situation one couple have gone on to be pregnant with their fourth child. Obviously we are fully aware that people cant put their lives on hold for us & people having babies is always going to happen. However I just cant seem to be overjoyed for them, firstly their decision to try for another came just weeks after we told them about our situation and secondly when they did get pregnant she was disappointed by the fact that she thought she was having a girl as what she really wanted another boy. Now today they have found out that they are infact expecting a boy and I was so annoyed that they had been given what they wanted again. Is this unreasonable or am I just a crap friend.

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 29/11/2009 17:02

to an extent it is understandable in the circumstances but you know you are BU don't you?

sarah293 · 29/11/2009 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bibbitybobbityhat · 29/11/2009 17:04

It is unreasonable, of course it is, but your situation really sucks and I do hope your friends are being sensitive about it all.

TheArmadillo · 29/11/2009 17:06

YABU - but understandably so.

It is not their fault that you have had problems having children but fertility treatment and the desire to have a child but having problems is heartbreaking and you are unlikely to be your most rational/reasonable at this point.

If she is a true friend she will understand that this can be difficult for you, but she does not deserve to be blamed for it or be the recepticle for your anger.

Cut down on contact for a while until you feel better able to cope with it.

And you are only a crap friend if you take it out on her. If you save this stuff for forums and your private thoughts then you are not - just human.

Basically what I mean to say is that the feelings you have is because you are human and it is normal. But what you cannot do is take these out on your friend because it isn't her fault.

KERALA1 · 29/11/2009 17:07

I can understand how you feel. Hearing two work colleagues were pregnant on the morning I had had my first appointment for infertility was tough. And they had both been trying for 2 months I had been trying for a year. It does stick in the throat unless you are an utter saint. Good luck with the treatment fwiw everyone I know that had fertility problems now have babies

waitingforbedtime · 29/11/2009 17:10

Kind of going through something similar.

We are lucky enough to have ds who is almost 3. He is adorable and funny and lovely BUT I so desperately want another that it makes em feel sick when I think about it.

We have been trying since March, I know it doesnt seem that long to some people but it is longer than we tried for ds and my periods are irregular so I am always wondering how long the cycle will be etc. Also, I have a large age gap between me and my siblings and never wanted that for my children but have no choice now and also know that I may NEVER get pregnant again. Other thing is it took me over 2 years to ttc because pregnancy was TRULY awful. Had hyperemesis and what I now know was antenaatal depression and I am scared I will lose my nerve if it doesnt happen soon.

My sil is expecting her 1st baby (due when we will have been trying for a year if we dont conceive before) and quite a few other people in our lives have just had babies / become pregnant. I think the best way to describe it is sadly, jealously which is wholly unreasonable but not unexpected. I explain it like its not that I dont want THEM to be pregnant I just want to be pregnant too if that makes sense?

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2009 17:11

your envious - its understandable, but i doubt they always get everything they want - it seems that way to you cos they are getting what YOU want

hormonesnomore · 29/11/2009 17:11

Life is crap sometimes & I've been in your situation. When breaking the news to me that she was pregnant, one of my 'friends' said "Are you jealous?" - Very sensitive. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel the way you do, but it's not your friend's fault - surely she didn't plan to get pregnant because you're trying? Life can also be great & your situation could turn around and change completely in the very near future. Hope it does.

Original poster
PrinceIngles · 29/11/2009 17:13

Jealously seems to be the bain of my life. To be honest though our friendship is rather poor, hasnt always been but in the past few years there seems to be loads of secrets, jealously & 'keepin up with the Jones' going on from both sides. Its not the heathist of friendships by far but I want to see their children grow up so that means remaining friends with thier parents.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 29/11/2009 17:21

Of course YABU. But I can see why and sympathise . Fingers crossed that the treatment works.

MrsTittleMouse · 29/11/2009 17:37

You aren't being unreasonable to feel that way. You would be unreasonable to let them know how you feel, but you're not doing that. You're venting about it on here, which is a very good idea.

I really hope the treatment works for you. We went through infertility hell and I remember vividly just how awful it was.

jardy · 29/11/2009 17:45

I do not feel you are being unreasonable and people should think carefully before saying things that hurt you.Like Riven I had a brain damaged baby and cannot forgive the crassness of others thoughtless comments.It was almost boasting.I wish I had the sense to cut them off,I do now.

Oblomov · 29/11/2009 18:10

YABU. Understandable, but unreasonable.
I need to kurb my envy/jealousy of others and be grateful for what I have. We all need to do this.
Lets all hope/pray that your treatment is successful soon.

Prunerz · 29/11/2009 18:21

I really understand (bit of a veteran, myself ) but I've always said: that's not my baby, I want a(nother) baby which is mine, not someone else's. I find the bit where I find out/realise quite hard and then it just becomes a fact and I get on with being a normal friend about it.

To some extent it's a case of telling yourself over and over: I want this in my life, not what someone else has in their life. Sorry if that seems trite, but it really helps me. It's still not easy, though.

The other thing that helps is the realisation that although you might look at friends and think 'they get whatever they want', it is rarely the case that anyone roughly our age hasn't got something dire going on that they might not talk about. I am consistently amazed at the level of hard life stuff that surfaces when I get to know people better. (And inspired, because they get through it, as do I, but some days it's good to think you are not alone.)

All the very best for your treatment.xx

onlyjoking9329 · 29/11/2009 18:24

good luck with your treatment, i can understand how you might feel and if they are good friends they will understand too.

MrsMattie · 29/11/2009 18:31

It's understandable, but obviously you have to give yourself a good talking to.

I went through this to some extent after having a miscarriage and finding out two close friends were pregnant within days of losing my baby. It's very hard.

forehead · 29/11/2009 18:47

i agree with Prunerz, you may think that every one else has an easier life , but you would be surprised about what people go through. Don't be envious, just be positive.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 19:00

their joy,unfortunately amplifies your pain understandable you feel an ouch factor but dont let that get in way of friendship or celebrating a birth.

however you need to find a way of dealing with your disappointments and not let them get in way of friendships and life events

some folk seem to get pg just walking past mothercare,and others struggle. makes it feel so unfair

i hope you get some joy and happy news too

LeQueen · 29/11/2009 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arsed · 29/11/2009 19:34

Yabu, but you know you are. TTC is shit

People do not always get what they want, I know it feels like it but it's just not true.

Would you put your life on hold for your friends if the situation was reversed ?

I've been where you are, it sucks

Good luck with your treatment !

mollybob · 29/11/2009 19:37

I understand how hurt you must feel but no one always gets what they want. A neighbour of mine announced she was pregnant 3 years ago when my DH was life threateningly ill and when if things had been different we would have been TTC. I was so jealous and upset - they were one of those golden couples but here I am pg 3 years later and yes they have a lovely son but her DH has just lost his job and life isn't so golden. No one gets is easy always. I'm not happy that they are struggling, by the way, but it serves as an example that trying not to compare ourselves with others is a better way to live. Hope all works out for you soon xxx

Original poster
PrinceIngles · 29/11/2009 23:49

Thanks everyone for your comments. I wouldnt dream of letting this come between our friendship nor take our problem out on her. I think for me the thing was how much she was disappointed when she thought to herself she was expecting a girl & that she actually told me. Sometimes I think she forgets about the whole IVF/ICSI thing and we've been friends for over 17 years so I guess you just get carried away in your conversations. Mind you she's made other unthoughtful remarks (not on purpose I'd hope) and had they been said infront of my DH she would have got a mouthful & that would have been the end of the friendship. He's very sensitive about the whole TTC.

OP posts:
Prunerz · 29/11/2009 23:55

I think people just don't realise what they're saying...
I got it a lot, even from my own mother. Stupidly tactless comments.

Most people are thinking about themselves most of the time, and I don't mean to say they're utterly selfish, just, you know, most people have complicated lives and their own dramas kind of linger.

Now I get it from people talking about only children.

Good luck with treatment. Are you taking embryos to blastocyst? Ups your chances quite a bit.

flockwallpaper · 30/11/2009 00:21

I do understand how it feels to be in a similar situation and I hope that your treatment works. Completely agree with whoever said that infertility is s**t.

Just an aside - I am wondering if your honesty about your situation actually encouraged your friend to TTC her fourth? When we were having problems, we told a few of our close friends and one couple admitted that they had made the decision to TTC after we had told them about our difficulties because it brought it home to them that conceiving isn't necessarily a straightforward process.

jellybeans · 30/11/2009 00:34

I don't think YABU to feel that way. I have felt something like that when I lost my girls late in pregnancy, it seemed like everyone around me just popped out babies whenever they wanted to and I just couldn't, felt totally shit. I think it is hardfor people to understand this kind of thing but it seems pretty 'normal' for the situation. Some people will say that YABU as they went through simelar but didn't feel like you, my 4 losses all affected me differently, some I could face babies/pg friends, others I could not, it was emotionally impossible. You just have to protect yourself, if it means avoiding people for a while then so be it. Life is so unfair, I really hope your treatment works.

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