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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want babysitter to bring her boyfriend round?

46 replies

lemonadesparkle · 29/11/2009 15:02

We have finally managed to get a babysitter for DS (4) who is reliable and who DS loves and is happy to be left with. Both dh and I are happy with her and wouldn't like to lose her. However she has just texted dh to ask if its alright if her OH comes with her when she sits for us. Dh and I have discussed it and although we have no real reason to object (aside from we have not met him) neither of us are comfortable with it and so are going to say "No". Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
woowa · 29/11/2009 15:04

YANBU. You at least need to spend time getting to know him before leaving your children with him. It's most likely it would be fine, but you still need to be sure beforehand.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/11/2009 15:04

YANBU - I wouldn't like this either. I suppose it depends on how old they are; what their relationship actually is; and whether you can meet him in advance.

AboardtheAxiom · 29/11/2009 15:05

How old is babysitter and how long has she been in a relationship with her boyfriend?

liahgen · 29/11/2009 15:05

Of course not, she is working in your home, lookig after your most precious children, and if you are not comfortable and haven't met him, then of course you can say no.

Perhaps yoyu could say not on this occasion, but if he is a regular, longterm BF, then ask if she would like to introduce you and see how you all get along.

If dc's wake up, would they be unsettled with a stranger around?

I would say no on this occasion.

AboardtheAxiom · 29/11/2009 15:06

Even if babysitter is a responsible grown up who has been with bf for years, you and your DS do not know him well, I wouldn't feel comfortable either so YANBU.

wilkos · 29/11/2009 15:08

yanbu. but let her down gently. liahgen's suggestion is ace.

frakkinaround · 29/11/2009 15:08

YANBU - and you wouldn't be unreasonable to insist that he was CRB checked, you'd met him, checked some references etc either as presumably you've done that with your babysitter!

Trikken · 29/11/2009 15:08

YANBU, unless you have met her OH and feel comfortable having in your home with the kids you have every right to refuse.

Mishy1234 · 29/11/2009 15:09

YANBU.

She is in your house to do a job for which she is getting paid. This does not include socialising with her boyfriend. If she was working in an office would she expect to be allowed to have him there?

I think not.

Apart from that, you don't know the guy or anything about him. What exactly are they planning on doing in your house anyway?

Original poster
lemonadesparkle · 29/11/2009 15:11

She's 21 and they have been together for a year. I think the suggestion of asking her to introduce us (without it being a babysitting night) is a good one and am a bit embarrassed that we failed to think of it

It just feels odd to say 'No' without any real reason other than gut feelings. Not sure how DS would react, he is confident when we are around but obviously being left with others is a very different situation and its not something we do other than with this sitter and preschool.

OP posts:
DaftApeth · 29/11/2009 15:11

I would say no too if I had not met him.

This happened to my sister with a teenaged babysitter. She resolved it by phoning the babysitters mum - who we had known for years as a family friend.

The babysitter's mum vouched for the boyfriend and all were happy.

Bit tricky to do that with a more mature babysitter though!

Original poster
lemonadesparkle · 29/11/2009 15:13

Frakkinaround - yes babysitter is CRB checked, qualified in childcare and also attended my DS's epi-pen/allergy training with us so she would know what to do if the need arose. Which is why we are really happy with her.

OP posts:
MilkNoSugarPlease · 29/11/2009 15:15

YANBU

Ive never quite got the whole bringting the boyfriend babysitting thing. id never ask and yes company is better then sitting on your own but its not everynight for hours etc

though may just be me being odd!

liahgens suggestion is perfect. just tell her that youd like your DS to get to know him before this could happen, as your not sure how hed feel with someone new in the house etc

frakkinaround · 29/11/2009 15:19

Good good. So she should understand the basic child protection concerns that you would have re: CRB and refs because in the end this person is going to be around your child and you haven't checked them out. It's not at all unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about someone you've never met coming over.

I don't really understand babysitters who want their boyfriends to come too though. The family I previously worked for used to invite my fiance round and I would be the one demurring because I didn't feel comfortable! My ex charge adored him though, so it can be a really positive thing.

nannynick · 30/11/2009 09:09

Would you object if she wanted to bring over her girlfriend?

Like frakkinaround, I don't understand why a babysitter would need to have someone else with them... be that their boyfriend, girlfriend or someone they met in the street on the way to your house.

purpleduck · 30/11/2009 09:27

YANBU
Your child doesn't know this guy, and I know mine would be unsettled.
I would probably try and meet him informally and see what you think.

Thing is, if she can't have him over - at all, then she may not be as keen to babysit.

Maybe a happy medium? You all meet him, then maybe she can have him over once your ds is in bed?

ABetaDad · 30/11/2009 09:31

YANBU. She is working, not going out on a date. End of.

frostyfingers · 30/11/2009 09:35

Our babysitter brought her boyfriend around once or twice when sitting for us, we knew him, the children knew him and it was a long term relationship so we felt comfortable.

When she announced that she was having a baby, I did do a quick count back from the due date to check that conception couldn't have happened on our sofa!!! Luckily it couldn't!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 30/11/2009 09:47

Just out of interest, do your babysitter and her boyfriend still live with their parents?

I'm just thinking that many teenagers/young people who still live with their parents usually relish the opportunity of having some "alone time" together...

MamaLazarou · 30/11/2009 09:49

YANBU. Of course YANBU not to want a man you have never met to be in the house with your children.

"I don't understand why a babysitter would need to have someone else with them."

To be fair, babysitting is quite boring and company is generally very welcome!

Original poster
lemonadesparkle · 30/11/2009 09:49

nannynick I can't say for certain as she doesn't have a girlfriend and so hasn't asked but ...ermmm.... probably and would more than likely feel the same if she wanted to bring anyone round who we don't know.

I babysat when I was younger and was regularly told I could bring someone round with me (boyfriend, friend etc) it just never felt right to do it so I guess its playing a part in my decision.

frakkinaround I do think if DS met him (and we were compfortable with him) then it could be a positive thing but also think that she then may have problems getting DS to go to bed and staying there as he'd be keen to talk about Star Wars, jets and cars all night

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonadesparkle · 30/11/2009 09:51

JamesAndTheGiantBanana she officially still lives at home but her OH has his own house where she often stays.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 30/11/2009 09:54

I must be very odd in that I didn't mind when my babysitter brought her long term boyfriend round. She did ask and I said fine.

Perhaps it is because I knew her very well beforehand and totally trusted her? But then I wouldn't have left my children with her unless I had totally trusted her. She was 20 and had been seeing him for about a year.

It worked well for us too because a few times he drove us to the restaurant and picked us up again.

ReneRusso · 30/11/2009 10:00

The only time I was asked this I said yes. Both babysitter and her boyfriend were 15. I knew the girl quite well and trusted her to have a pleasant boyfriend (naive I know). They were just kids too really, I didn't see what harm it could do.

purpleduck · 30/11/2009 10:03

at Humphreys babysitter/chauffeur combo