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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want babysitter to bring her boyfriend round?

46 replies

lemonadesparkle · 29/11/2009 15:02

We have finally managed to get a babysitter for DS (4) who is reliable and who DS loves and is happy to be left with. Both dh and I are happy with her and wouldn't like to lose her. However she has just texted dh to ask if its alright if her OH comes with her when she sits for us. Dh and I have discussed it and although we have no real reason to object (aside from we have not met him) neither of us are comfortable with it and so are going to say "No". Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Hando · 30/11/2009 10:05

Our babysitter (who is now at Uni) was the daughter of an old family friend and had babysat for my friends quite often. She is 18 and and been with her b/f for 2 years. However, at first I said no to him coming round. I wanted dd to get to know her first. Then we said he could come round anytime once dd was asleep (usually no more than an hour after we'd left). Mainly because I know dd generally won't go to sleep if somehting more interesting is happening, or I need to be firm with her at bedtime if we have friends round for dinner etc.

If this person is a qualified child carer then I have to say I find it odd that she asks for her boyfriend to come with her. If it is a business arrangement and you are paying her "proper" wages then I think it's quite cheeky she has asked. Our babysitter was a teenage girl, who we paid £20 + a pizza/dvd for 4-5 hrs babysitting. So I felt it was understandable to let her have b/f round once dd got to know her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/11/2009 11:27

yanbu as you havent met him

and she should understand this if she wants to work with children

Asana · 30/11/2009 11:32

I agree 100% with ABetaDad. This is a working arrangement and, TBH, I would find it highly unprofessional that she felt then need to ask this in the first place. I personally would say no, end of.

Acinonyx · 30/11/2009 11:47

YANBU - this is work not a social call. I remember all to well what went on when my teenage friends babysat with their bf's in tow - wouldn't want a dc wandering in on that......

meltedchocolate · 30/11/2009 11:54

Personally i would not allow it. You wouldn't be unreasonable to say no or yes. You are employing this woman and you make the rules. If you are happy with it then fine but are both aren't, so dont. I would be hesitent so would just say 'No sorry, I dont think it is appropriate until we and DS have met him informaly and got to know him a bit, and that doesn't happen in one meeting. Maybe another time if we get to know him.' That is totally reasonable and she should respect it.

TinyPawz · 30/11/2009 15:00

When I was younger and babysat for quite a few familys, my boyfriend was always part of the deal.

Liek a previous poster said, some 'alone time'.

Nobody ever objected and to be honest, I was so subborn then, I wouldn't have sat for them again. I was in high demand as a local trustworthy babysitter.

Hando · 30/11/2009 15:59

I still think it depends on whether you are employing her as a qualified childcarer - ie. paying £10 per hour ish (as is the going rate round here) or if you are asking a teenage girl to babysit for you for £15/£20, as I used to do. Much more understandable her asking to have her b/f there if that is the case.

purplepeony · 30/11/2009 16:05

YANBU- we used to have this issue a lot- my DCs are now grown up, so it's a while back. Basically we said "no"- you don't know who their boyfriends are, they might change from week to week, and worst case- who's to know he is not a paedo.
We also were reluctant to allow babysitters to bring girl friends round for the same reasons- you are entrusting your home and children tot he person you know and have chosen- if there is another person around they might not be so attentive with your children, and the whole thing could escalate into a party!

CMOTdibbler · 30/11/2009 16:06

My babysitter brings her (long term) boyfriend, but always checks first. Since she will babysit at the drop of a hat for us, and will come straight from work with DS I'm more than happy with this. She only asks for 5.00 an hour even tho is fully qualified.

When we/I/DH get home (and v unpredicatable as normally we get her to babysit as we are working late and driving/flying home) there are never any signs of shennanigans

purplepeony · 30/11/2009 16:09

Just a thought which others have alluded to- fo you really want them bonking on your lounge carpet if they have no other opprotunity?

ginnny · 30/11/2009 16:10

I always used to take boyfriends babysitting with me when I was a teenager (great for uninterrupted fumbling snogging time ), one of my families used to leave us booze as well .
How times have changed.
YANBU - I wouldn't even leave my dc with a babysitter who wasn't family so I'm probably over cautious though.

Original poster

lemonadesparkle · 30/11/2009 16:12

We pay her an hourly rate which she named and everyone is happy with (its certainly more than we were previously paying a friend's teenage dd when she did a couple of hours for us).

I think perhaps because she has sat for us for a while now and knows DS really well that the employee/friend line is blurring a little. DH has texted her back and said we're not comfortable with it at this point but will discuss it further with her when she comes to sit. She has replied that its fine and she completely understands

OP posts:

madamearcati · 30/11/2009 16:15

I wouldn't have a problem with it TBH and presumably he would escort her home too saving you or your DH a job.
Also you have implied that it is difficult to get a decent babysitter.Don't be surprised if she gives priority to someone who will allow her B/f

Original poster

lemonadesparkle · 30/11/2009 16:17

ginny we have no family to babysit - except one relative over 400miles away, so its a non related babysitter or never going out together for at least another 10 years for us.

I'm not actually concerned about the potential for them to have sex in my house - obviously as long as DS was not witness to it or ignored as a result. But the boyfriend does have his own house, which she often stays at so I'm guessing its not her seeing it as an opportunity to be alone together.

OP posts:

veryconfusedandupset · 30/11/2009 16:18

I can quite understand you being wary, and would agree you would need to know BF first. We had a live in nanny for our two sons when they were young and she had a sucession of 3 lovely boyfriends (she married the last of the 3) who got on really well with the boys, the one she married taught my oldest to ride his bike (DH far too confrontational about it) I felt they were a great addition to our family, so it can be good news.

Original poster

lemonadesparkle · 30/11/2009 16:21

madamercati she drives herself to and from us - she's 21 and in F/T employment. I guess there is the risk that she will not want to sit for us in the future, but currently she's said that its fine and she understands and if she chooses not to then so be it - am more concerned about my son being comfortable and safe and us feeling comfortable leaving him.

OP posts:

Fraochsmum · 30/11/2009 16:24

Have to say I laughed at frostyfingers comment - I just found out a few years ago that when our male babysitter had his girlfriend over one time, my sister (early teens) walked in on them shagging on the sofa!! They were younger than your babysitter though and I wouldn't necessarily expect a 21 year old to do that. I am expecting my first in a few weeks time and honestly don't know how I would feel about it then.

BitOfFun · 30/11/2009 16:28

I had to stop using a babysitter once after I found my duvet the wrong way round and an open cellophane wrap of cocaine next to the bed

It was DP who found it, and asked me if I had anything to tell him...

YANBU.

Original poster

lemonadesparkle · 30/11/2009 16:31

OMG BoF if I told dh that we would never go out again

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 30/11/2009 16:33

YANBU. You are paying her to work. She can see her bf when her work is done. He should understand that this is a job for her too, and if he couldn't go and keep her company at a job outside a house, then he can't do it at your house/ her place of work either.

This is nothing to do with the possibility of your DCs walking in on them in flagrante delicto, but rather because of the idea that the babysitter and the bf seem to have that this is not 100% work for her. I wouldn't have her mum over to chat with her, or her bff, while she is supposedly giving her full attention to your DC.

BitOfFun · 30/11/2009 16:35

I did wonder about posting on here at the time about whether I should mention it to her mother (neighbour), but I couldn't be absolutely sure it was them, as my cousin and his girlfriend had slept in our bed that month, and the wrapper was pushed slightly underneath it so might have been there for a while. Although my cousin and his now-wife are pretty straitlaced, and I would have been embarrassed to ask them. In the end, I couldn't be sure the neighbour wouldn't be outraged at me accusing her fifteen year old, so I just stopped asking the girl.

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