to be FED UP with my family constantly poisoning everything?

[miserablemoralvacuum]

Arrrgggh.

my parents are an interesting mix of unreconstructed 1950s stepford wife (& husband) and snide, cynical 1970s hippie intelligentsia. Think "who's afraid of Virginia Woolf" with added passive aggression and severe hangups about sex and you have the idea...

All my life, they have been snide about everyone they perceive as less intelligent/ good than themselves. The only stuff they report is negative. If my Dad ever said anything positive about one of his students Mum would either get in a strop and imply he was having an affair, or would be sarcastic about his short-sighted superficiality until he said something unpleasant and she was satisfied. They loathe their stupid relatives.

My cousin (aged 38) has just got engaged, after many years in a nice stable relationship with a chap who has 2 sets of kids from previous marriages (ending in divorce and death respectively).

How great for her, I think - she must be happy, which is a jolly good thing, and isnt it nice the 2nd lots of kids will have a nice, stable, intelligent stepmum, having lost their own mum.

My parents' report is typical however: "she apparently forced him to propose, just like her mother before her - those women really take the cake. AND she was flashing around a grotesquely large engagement ring. Wonder where the boyfriend got the money for that" [boyfriend is a pejorative term reserved for relationships they think are somehow ridiculous] and "well it hardly looks too good on paper, can't imagine it will last, anyway she's never had a relationship that lasted before, has she, well no wonder if she goes round forcing men into proposing" [well DUH if she had she wouldn't be getting engaged now then].

GOD HELP ME YOU PEOPLE can't you just be nice about anything for once?

When my sister got engaged my mother said "oh for heaven's sake. i'd have preferred [outspoken sh*t of a banker who treated people like dirt but had lots of money and confidence]" and my dad said "I suppose she's pregnant, is she".

But today when I said I thought they were being a bit judgemental about my cousin and wasn't it nice that she was happily engaged, they got furious with me because I never want to hear their side of the story, they can never say what they think to me without me being rude, etc.

G*D this is DYSFUNCTIONAL. ARRRRGGGH.

[end of rant. sorry.]

It is exhausting, distance helps....... x

YANBU

no doubt you'll have been at the wrong end of thi sort of thing too....

Not Being Unreasonable. Like Risotto says, keep a healthy respectful distance and learn to laugh at it however infuriating. I find that imagining what I'd like my AIBU or Facebook status to say regarding certain frustrating situations really helps me to keep them in perspective.
FWIW your parents sound like a bloody nightmare!

Difficult. I am quite sarky and I can see some of that coming out as a joke and not quite working, but how exhausting.
I just distance myself from my parents, it helps a lot.
They don't sound very nice (sorry), wouldn't you rather spend time with nice people?

Well - isn't it good you haven't inherited it though?

I feel a bit sorry for them. If you can't take pleasure in other people's pleasure - well, that's a bit sad isn't it? And I mean sad in the traditional, rather than the pejorative sense

phew, thanks for your replies - I was beginning to wonder if it really was me: there are many, many ways in which they are sad in the traditional sense.

I don't think they are very happy, but their total lack of respect for anyone else's point of view means that they are impervious to suggestions that other people have nicer lives because they interpret things more nicely.

Their explosion at not being able to talk to me was basically a cry for help, them trying and failing (again) to reach out. I try to reach out to them but god they're hard work.
my Mum has always said "second children spoil everything" about me and my perfect older sister (who joins in all the bitching and seems equally un-insightful about the problem) - but it is terribly poignant in that both mum and dad are also second children.

Prunerz - thanks for your perspective. One of my Mum's stock responses is "oh you just can't take a joke" if I say something she's just said is offensive.

But she doesn't distinguish in the first place between "joke" mode and "rant" mode - it seems to be a get out of jail free card for her. Except it doesn't work.

Do you have any helpful hints on how I can distinguish between sarky ranting and sarky joking that comes out wrongly?

I can tell when nearly everyone else on earth is joking... so I think my mum just isn't. I so wish I knew!

Yanbu. But whatchagonnadoaboutit? Perhaps a huge clear the air row where you give them some of the choice examples of their miserable behaviour that you have described on this thread? It doesn't sound like you have much to lose - and might it help you feel better if you laid all your cards on the table with this one? Sympathies.

YANBU- I know what you mean.

They sound awful. It is so wearing for you op all of this negativity and discontent.

My ils are a little like this. In their case they are very snobby (they are not "special" in any way, so no reason to be snobby!) They are incredibly judgmental and sulk massively if they don't get their own way.

It is not unusual for mil to slam the phone down if someone suggests/proposes something she doesn't like the sound of.

I remind myself that they are very unhappy and discontented people. They must be, to gain so much apparent pleasure in being so miserable and easily offended.

When we announced the joyful news that we were expecting dc2, it was met with by mil, she took massive offence that we had been ttc. The reason? Oh it wasn't "our turn" apparently as dh's older brother and sil had been trying unsuccessfully to conceive and mil got very jealous apparently on their behalf.

YANBU - my parents are exactly the same. It is soooo wearing. Always negative, always have to have things their way, heaven forbid we express an opinion which contradicts theirs. Critical of everyone who is not deemed good enough and the yardstick they use to judge against is one of earnings adn class. They are exhausting! They have never taken to dh (heaven forbid their dd marries a blue collar worker - electrician - from a working class background) and bemoan my lack of career, but likewise constantly critisize my sister who at nearly 40 has a glittering BBC career but is single.

We had a huge argument about it all 5 years ago which I hoped would clear teh air. But no, we have all slipped back into our roles - them critisizing almost everyone without realizing they are doign so and me quietly ignoring and pretending not to notice / care.

Dysfunctional at its best!! (and yet they think they are great)

Sob.

YANBU, my mother can be unbelievably negative and cynical, and I find it very wearing.

I find the only way I can deal with it is to feel sorry for her for having such a miserable outlook, and to just let it all go in one ear and out the other.

I have spoken to her about it before, but it was like banging my head off a brick wall.

Distance yourself from them, and try to let it all wash over you.

when I was young I used frequently to embarrass my mother by being just like her, in public. She used to tell me that there were certain things that were only said at home. But i basically only saw her at home (or in public being a total bitch sophisticated intellectual), and everyone else acted so differently, that it took years to understand that most of the world was out there having fun.

Hippo, I feel for you and your sister. I've seen both sides, having the glittering career (and raised eyebrows about being unattractively single/ being too interested in my career/ not understanding why my DH would marry someone like me/ the damage that my [not so glittering] career does to my child); and the unsuitable DH (omg he's a mathematician. How unsexy and pointless. He's meant to be a surgeon or a banker. My parents have all the naive enthusiasm in the world for "proper" professional careers, having been somewhat mediocre academics themselves...).

oo. subclauses.

still - at least it gives us all something to focus our irritation...

I agree, they sound vile. Relentlessly negative people are very draining.

Maybe you could write a play about them or something like that as a form of revenge?

The problem is - in terms of doing something about it - is when couples have a fault in common they're very difficult to challenge, because they reassure each other that it's not them, it's everyone else...

Well, "you just can't take a joke" is one of those phrases used to keep people in their place. It turns the fault neatly round onto you and there is no good, quick response to easily get the better of her when she says that.

I know that I have quite a sarky voice and a black sense of humour, and sometimes things come out the wrong way, but the fact that you have started a thread about how hateful you find her suggests to me that it's a bit more than that with her.

I suppose you could just say to her "I am lucky enough to have many funny friends: you are not funny, nor are you joking as far as I can see" and leave her to stew on that.

Try this website, it can helpful to realise you are not alone.
narcissisticparents.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-did-we-survive.html
Also this book can help, my mum is great, but dad had some issues as I was growing up, I know it can be draining, especially when you're on the receiving end of it.
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown
Good luck.x

i am beginning to wonder if there is something about a certain age/era?

my parents are a bit like this, without the vitriol, and dh's parents, in a sort of snidey, well, we wouldn't judge, but ... kind of way.

was there something about the 2WW & the 50s that means people born & brought up then just don't think you should be too complimentary? is it a twisted take on the 'don't blow your own trumpet' type thing?

my mum came to visit for a couple of weeks, and at first i was upset as she ALWAYS seemed to say a negative thing to anything i suggested, then i just realised that she was like that about everything. it just seems to be a midset, you're not allowed to congratulate as it sounds smug, so instead you criticise.

I used to gte raised eyebrows and "GOD it's so easy to wind you up. YOu can't take a joke, can you?"

I exploded at my mum over this a couple of years ago.

I told her that a joke is something you consider your audience for, and that if I am consistantly not laughing at her jokes, maybe it's because her jokes are merely badly masked cruelty.

A joke is something other people laugh at, including the subject of the joke - if the subject of the joke is upset, it's not a joke, it's spite.

And if she finds me easily wound up, instead of me having to concentrate on not being upset by what she says, why doesn't she try not to upset me for once?

I'm not a blank canvass on which to splatter your emotional vomit onto, I'm a person, with real feelings, and real bad days of your own. Yes, mother, I'm getting a bit fat, but at least I'm not as fat as you. Ha ha ha. Not funny? I think it's funny, doesn't that make it a joke?

Kickassangel I think there's a lot in what you say - my MIL is very much like this, she's never happier than when telling DH about one of his schoolmate's brother's girlfriend has died of an overdose - despite DH usually never knowing the original schoolmate.

She's a devout Catholic and I think there's a suffocating sense of 'duty' and naturally guilt, one shouldn't be seen to be enjoying oneself too much, people might think you're above your station.

OP you have my sympathies, it sounds like a nightmare.

Colditz, what reaction did you get?
I had a similar outburst at my dad a few years ago (iirc it was over "you are too sensitive" - which is the same thing as "you can't take a joke" really) and he's been quite nice since then. Maybe he didn't realise. It is quite a British idiom, the sarkiness and cutting down the tall poppies.

'cutting down the tall poppies' - that sums up my parents exactly!! thanks prunerz.

the thing is, they do obviously love & feel proud of our achievements, but getting acknowledgement for it is bloody hard work.

i remember my first year of sec. school. i was off sick at the end of the year. a teacher who also taught my sis, sent a message home that i'd done really well, came top of the year for the end of year exams. my mum came up to tell me to cheer me up, but than said 'you got 86%, highest in the year. what about the other 14%?'

She DID say it with a smile, as a joke, but she just can't say something without giving a negative twist. every time you plan, book something it's 'that's lovely, but it'll probably rain/flights be delayed' etc etc.

after she'd stayed with us, i was thinking about this & wondering if it's just an inevitable result of age & bitter experience, or part of growing up in post-war britain? we live in the US now & i just haven't come across this kind of thing, but then we're still at the 'polite' stage of getting to know people, so that could be why.

She's been generally morepleasant ever since. Plus, every time she starts being nasty I tell her not be so rude, and ask her if she's sspeak to anyone else the way she speaks to the people she professes to love.

She's my mother, I love her, I forgive her her faults, but I'm done with pretending that the fault is all mine just for a quiet life!