to be FED UP with my family constantly poisoning everything?

[miserablemoralvacuum]

Arrrgggh.

my parents are an interesting mix of unreconstructed 1950s stepford wife (& husband) and snide, cynical 1970s hippie intelligentsia. Think "who's afraid of Virginia Woolf" with added passive aggression and severe hangups about sex and you have the idea...

All my life, they have been snide about everyone they perceive as less intelligent/ good than themselves. The only stuff they report is negative. If my Dad ever said anything positive about one of his students Mum would either get in a strop and imply he was having an affair, or would be sarcastic about his short-sighted superficiality until he said something unpleasant and she was satisfied. They loathe their stupid relatives.

My cousin (aged 38) has just got engaged, after many years in a nice stable relationship with a chap who has 2 sets of kids from previous marriages (ending in divorce and death respectively).

How great for her, I think - she must be happy, which is a jolly good thing, and isnt it nice the 2nd lots of kids will have a nice, stable, intelligent stepmum, having lost their own mum.

My parents' report is typical however: "she apparently forced him to propose, just like her mother before her - those women really take the cake. AND she was flashing around a grotesquely large engagement ring. Wonder where the boyfriend got the money for that" [boyfriend is a pejorative term reserved for relationships they think are somehow ridiculous] and "well it hardly looks too good on paper, can't imagine it will last, anyway she's never had a relationship that lasted before, has she, well no wonder if she goes round forcing men into proposing" [well DUH if she had she wouldn't be getting engaged now then].

GOD HELP ME YOU PEOPLE can't you just be nice about anything for once?

When my sister got engaged my mother said "oh for heaven's sake. i'd have preferred [outspoken sh*t of a banker who treated people like dirt but had lots of money and confidence]" and my dad said "I suppose she's pregnant, is she".

But today when I said I thought they were being a bit judgemental about my cousin and wasn't it nice that she was happily engaged, they got furious with me because I never want to hear their side of the story, they can never say what they think to me without me being rude, etc.

G*D this is DYSFUNCTIONAL. ARRRRGGGH.

[end of rant. sorry.]

God, OP- you are decribing my parents

(literally the only reason I know you're not my sister- iykwim- is because our Dad was a social worker and not a lecturer!)

You remind me of my mother's sister. When I called her from abroad to announce my engagement to DH I started by saying how nice he is and I'd send her photos, she started asking me how much money he makes.

Once satisfied with his salary, the conversation went like this:

"does he have a university degree?" -err.., no

"does he own his house" -no,not outright, we have a joint mortgage

"well, why are you marrying him then? What did you get a PhD for if you can't get either someone rich or well educated? You spent all these years studying, and for what? Unless you're pregnant of course, then I understand" -no, I'm not pregnant, I found someone that I love and who loves and respects me, isn't that good enough?

"on the other hand YOU ARE in your mid-twenties you can't really be picky" -no, I'm not desperate to get married, I've had relationships before, I never wanted to get married before

"well, no-one asked you before"!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

BTW, my mum is exacxlty the same, if my dad says anything positive about ANYONE, my mum thinks he's having an afair! CRAZYYYY

I think as people get older they do get more cynical (maybe with just cause?)
It is wearing though.I once new a guy who was a hospital chaplain and his advice was to ask questions which force a positive reponse
eg when talking about cousins BF 'so what are his redeeming qualities?' Or when moaning about a situation they are in 'goodness , how do you manage to cope?'

That is my parents too. V intelligent but can't enjoy themselves at all because everything is 'silly' or 'tacky'.

They think absolutely everybody is either silly or 'not very bright'.

They have their moments, they are lovely and very interesting people, but expecting them to be happy for anybody else is a fools errand. They want everybody else to be unhappy, in order to prove how silly they are.

My mum constantly corrects people in public and thinks people should thank her for this. I can think of ten examples each day where I could ask my mum 'Do you want to be right, or do you want to be liked?' - in her bizarre world she thinks she is liked for being right, but in fact unfortunately most people think she's a patronising cow. It's hell for my sister and I as we love our mum to bits and you know how it feels when people have a go at your mum. It makes you want to cry.

We both frantically cover for her, smiling, laughing, keeping up the light chat. We've done it all our lives.

'cutting down the tall poppies'

It is a Roman idiom, actually, quoted famously by Nietzsche.

slinks away, aware of irony

My mum, dad and Brother are all like this, drives me bit nuts but i use lots of distance and that helps !

It does have a funny side. Once my brother was coming to visit me in my new house.
I told him the address and then was about to give him directions...
...and I was trying to warn him that there is another road with the same name, in the same city but about 1 hour drive away....

BUT of course, my brother knows everything. He would NOT let me tell him. He was very rude and said he didn't need directions as he had an A to Z. (This was before satnav. )

So about the time he was supposed to arrive, he rang me and said " you dont live in a house you live in a flat !!" " and "Why are u not in ?" !
because he had gone to the wrong road, which had flats. He still tried to say I was wrong !
Unbelievable.

lol at prematureejoculation!!

(I meant it as "dialect" rather than as a phrase whose meaning you can't guess!)

Agree see less of them if they wind you up. If they're being nasty and unpleasant tell them this. If they are then unpleasant to you leave and tell them you'll see them when they can stop being unpleasant and nasty all the time and that you find them increasingly bitchy and not pleasant to be with.