Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

IL wanting to take DS out in the car?

50 replies

Brunettelady · 29/11/2009 08:03

My ILs don't look after my DS but a while ago they mentioned about buying a car seat and taking him out. They were going to look second hand but we told them why thats not a good idea. Nothing was mentioned and I thought they had changed their minds.

They are now getting a new car as my FIL has parkinsons and can't manage without power steering and mounts the kerbs etc. He also looks totally exhausted all the time and I often wonder if he should be driving like that. I have M.E./CFS and when I am tired I wouldn't drive as I know how dangerous it could be. They have said about some sort of fixing for baby seats in this new car so I assume they still want to take out DS.

I am not entirely sure that I want this. 1, I don't like DS being away from me for the whole day (I know, I know!), 2, when they have looked after him in the past there have beeb a couple of minor things that I have been slightly annoyed about, 3, once when DS was a few weeks old we put our seat into their car and when they brought him back the straps were done up under his arms even though we showed them how to do it and when I asked MIL just said "oh well we can't be expected to remember everything" in a really couldn't care less tone. I thought this was the pretty important really! Lastly they are both nearly 60 and always saying about how energetic DS is and how I must be exhausted keeping up with him and I know they will not be able to keep up with him when they are out etc, epsecially FIL. I am also worried that they will not be able to pull the straps tight on the carseat. Me and DH struggle with this but we can do it but I KNOW they wouldn't be able to do them up tight enough and wouldn probably just do it as best as they could and leave it.

AIBU to not want this to happen?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 29/11/2009 08:08

no yanbu
If they can't use the car seat properly then they shouldn't be taking him out in the car
It also sounds as though his/their health problems / age (though you said they're 60???) may be a problem

StealthPolarBear · 29/11/2009 08:08

nearly 60

StealthPolarBear · 29/11/2009 08:09

ignore my age bit then!

Original poster

Brunettelady · 29/11/2009 08:14

Yeah, I don't have a problem with their age, but as they always comment on how active DS is (like any other 22 month old) and seem to be exhausted by looking after him at home (when they done it months and months ago) I really don't think they will manage when they are out.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 29/11/2009 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

paranoidmother · 29/11/2009 08:18

hmm perhaps if they are really intent on getting a car seat then say you and ds have to go to and they have to see whether they can get him into the seat and strapped in without anyones help. Would help if your ds is feeling a little grouchy so that he fidgets a lot for them. As dc's are prone to not being easy to get into car seats all of the time.

I don't know anything about parkinson's but should he be driving if he mounts the curb?

Also if you don't feel that it should be an all day thing then limit the time. What does your DH say about it?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/11/2009 08:35

If you are diagnosed with Parkinsons, you have to inform the DVLA. He would need a medical and have a short term DL issued. If the Parkinsons is progressive, he would not get a DL and not be able to drive any more.

Has he told the DVLA?

diddl · 29/11/2009 11:11

I wouldn´t let them.

Everything else aside, I would be worried about FIL being distracted if your son started to make a fuss.

Do you ever travel in the car with them?

I did once with my FIL driving-never again!

I know people are different, but MIL was chattering the whole time-I felt like telling her to stfu & let FIL drive in peace, plus he always left it until the very last minute to brake!

i didn´t feel safe & knew I could never let them have a child of mine in the car.

violethill · 29/11/2009 11:19

I agree with pfft - if your FIL is possibly not medically fit to drive safely, he should seek advice and inform the DVLA. This is a much bigger issue than just whether your child is safe! If he is mounting kerbs when driving it's a question of whether pedestrian's are safe. Sounds as though there's far more risk to the general public than to a child who is strapped in his car.

MrsKitty · 29/11/2009 11:30

I'd be seriously pissed off with the attitude regarding strapping into the carseat and that one incident would be enough to make me refuse to allow them to have DC in the car, regardless of any other issues.

groundhogs · 29/11/2009 13:07

I wouldn't let my DS in any car until I knew that the driver was good, responsible and knew properly how to strap my son in.

Unless I trusted that person as well as i do myself, (My DS is almost 4) I'd not let him out of my sight.

I think you have more reasons than you need to politely decline.

Your DS is not even 2yo? NO QUESTION... say no.

groundhogs · 29/11/2009 13:08

Sorry, hit post too early... Just say it's too soon, that all in good time and all that..

That will buy you some time....

Mishy1234 · 29/11/2009 15:13

No, YANBU. The safety of your DS has to come first and it sounds that they can't guarantee that.

Car safety has changed so much over the past 30 years that they probably don't see it as being as important as it so obviously is. If they continue to insist on taking him, I would explain to them why you're not happy and make them watch some crash tests on YouTube.

agalchangedhername · 29/11/2009 15:21

My dd's who are 5 and 3 have never been driven anywhere by my dad. He isn't ill or anything just a particuarly shite driver (always has been)

He knew not to ask to take the dd's out and i have told my parents why i don't allow them to take the girls out. TBH i wouldn't let him drive me anywhere either.

I care more for my dc than i do about what he thinks!!

Original poster

Brunettelady · 29/11/2009 21:14

Thanks everyone! I thought I may be making more of a deal out of it than I should.

He hasn't told the DVLA yet, he has had trouble facing up to the Parkinsons and he is afraid of losing his licence. He only mounts the kerbs sometimes as he doesn't have power steering and is struggling without it. Thats why he's buying a new car. I did tell him last week though that he does have to tell the DVLA as if he did have an accident it could invalidate his insurance (I think thats right).

Mrskitty, that is exactly my reaction too. It was the attitude that has really put me off, even without the parkinsons issue.

Groundhog, I may be able to work with that. They have another DG who is only 4 months and they wanted to get a seat to take her out as well as my DS (obviously not at the same time) but with the age difference they would need completely different seats so I may suggest they wait until he is old enough for a booster seat. Then also give them a list of the chairs I approve of (side impact protection etc) which are over £100. I can't see them paying that much tbh.

Agalchanged, I didn't think of it like that, you are right. The safety of my DS is far more important than upsetting them. I will talk to DH as I know he said he would fit the seat and not them (he doesn't trust them to do it right) and I know he wouldn't risk the safety of our DS to do what his mum wants.

OP posts:

MollieO · 29/11/2009 21:19

If he had an accident and hadn't told the DVLA his insurance will be null and void, irrespective of the cause of the accident (that is what my mum has been told - she is currently awaiting an assessment). I imagine he would also be prosecuted for driving without a valid licence (at the very least).

I would not let someone who can't be bothered to work out how to use a car seat (your MIL) and another who cannot drive properly (your FIL) take my dc anywhere by car.

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2009 21:24

nearly 60

is nearly 60 year olds not able to keep up with dc ???

busybutterfly · 29/11/2009 21:27

My mum's over 60 and keeps up with my 3 DC's just fine

Original poster

Brunettelady · 29/11/2009 21:29

Ivykaty, I'm not saying ALL nearly 60 year olds can't keep up. I'm saying I don't think my ILs will be able to due to their constant comments about me keeping up with him adn how tiring it is when we are sat in their house. I dread to think if they took him out and let him loose. lol. The parkinsons makes my FIL very tired (he always looks exhausted) I know he is not going to be able to run around after DS and I really don't see my MIL moving very fast either.

OP posts:

NanaNina · 30/11/2009 17:03

I am posting as a MIL and a GM and well over 60!! I think the business with the car seat and strapping in your little boy properly has to be sorted. I have had problems with straps on car seats and this is so much worse when the child is struggling or tired or suchlike. Fortunately GPa is always able to sort this out so the children are safe. The thing is in our day car seats were either non existent (my first one was a chair with a tray that hooked over the front seat for god's sake) and we later got one that was fitted into the car. The ones these days do seem to me to be much harder to sort out but that has something to do with being older etc. I suspect your mil might have felt a bit foolish about not getting the straps right, but she should have taken this seriously. You can't compromise on safety. I am slightly paranoid about child safety in cars and for me being a GM this is exacerbated by the fact that I am responsible for someone'e elses child.

Would it be possible to talk to your ils about the car seat and the straps and show them how they work and let them practice a bit, though I guess they might see this as patronising but if they aren't prepared to accept there is a problem at present, then I agree that they should not be driving your child about.

As for "keeping up" I think you might be worrying a bit too much over this - have you noticed when with them if they are able to keep your child safe. I get worried over one of my dil's mothers who seems to have forgotten about child safety and leaves hot coffee in the child's reach etc and seems a bit careless about the way you need eyes in the back of your head with toddlers. Maybe you need to observe a bit more to decide how you feel about this.

Original poster

Brunettelady · 30/11/2009 19:38

Hi Nananina, thanks for your advice from a GP point of view.

Thats the thing, I have observed them with my DS and tbh I'm not 100% comfortable. They don't put hot drinks out of the way (MIL is worse for that one), she just expects DS to not go near it when she puts it on the table that DS is playing on. Also when DS was much younger my FIL with his very shaky hands leant right over DS with a cup of tea in his hand. They leave pens and stuff around and when DS picks that or the remotes up, MIL takes it off him and puts it straight back down where he picked it up from and expects him not to touch it again. They constantly let him in the kitchen without being there or shutting the door which I really hate and make a point of closing it when I go there. Wehn MIL goes back in there she just leaves the door open again. They aren't bad with him but I just don't think they are that careful. Also I'm not sure how they would manage changing him when out. This is a nightmare for us but I don't think they would be able to do it and I have picked DS up a few times from ILs and he has had a dirty nappy and I have arrived 'just in time to change him', although the redness on his bottom suggests it had been a little while since he went.

It was just her attitude when she done the straps wrong that really annoyed me. I really don't think she was embarrassed. She just didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

OP posts:

seeker · 30/11/2009 19:40

Bloody hell - I'm nearly 60!

Original poster

Brunettelady · 30/11/2009 19:45

Its got nothing to do with all people who are 60!!!!!!

Its just my ILs who are this age, and these particular nearly 60 year olds would not be able to keep up with my DS. Particularly FIL with his parkinsons. He moves very slowly and you can see he is struggling .

OP posts:

Sn0wflake · 30/11/2009 19:50

Does your child really have to go on trips without you?

smartmars · 30/11/2009 19:57

YANBU It took me ages to be happy (READ: tolerate) my ILs taking out my ds (18mths). The first time they tried it the seat belt appeared not to fit behind the car seat enough to fasten. MIL whispered to DH "we'll just drive really carefully"!!!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread