IL wanting to take DS out in the car?

[Brunettelady]

My ILs don't look after my DS but a while ago they mentioned about buying a car seat and taking him out. They were going to look second hand but we told them why thats not a good idea. Nothing was mentioned and I thought they had changed their minds.

They are now getting a new car as my FIL has parkinsons and can't manage without power steering and mounts the kerbs etc. He also looks totally exhausted all the time and I often wonder if he should be driving like that. I have M.E./CFS and when I am tired I wouldn't drive as I know how dangerous it could be. They have said about some sort of fixing for baby seats in this new car so I assume they still want to take out DS.

I am not entirely sure that I want this. 1, I don't like DS being away from me for the whole day (I know, I know!), 2, when they have looked after him in the past there have beeb a couple of minor things that I have been slightly annoyed about, 3, once when DS was a few weeks old we put our seat into their car and when they brought him back the straps were done up under his arms even though we showed them how to do it and when I asked MIL just said "oh well we can't be expected to remember everything" in a really couldn't care less tone. I thought this was the pretty important really! Lastly they are both nearly 60 and always saying about how energetic DS is and how I must be exhausted keeping up with him and I know they will not be able to keep up with him when they are out etc, epsecially FIL. I am also worried that they will not be able to pull the straps tight on the carseat. Me and DH struggle with this but we can do it but I KNOW they wouldn't be able to do them up tight enough and wouldn probably just do it as best as they could and leave it.

AIBU to not want this to happen?

My kids didn't go on car trips without a parent until at school. Why do they need to take him out without you? If you have doubts about safety then say no.

The DVLA thing concerns me. He's currently driving illegally as he has a notifiable illness that he hasn't notified. That will do as an interim excuse not to send your kid with him.

Nothing to do with age - my parents are nearly 80 and manage fine with my DS. More to the point though, if your FIL has parkinsons, I'm fairly sure he shouldn't actually be driving. Does his GP know? My grandad couldn't steer properly and so he had to stop.

I wouldn't want your ILs on the road whether or not your DS is in the back

If it weren't for the Parkinsons, I'd say you might be a bit unreasonable: you can show then how to use the car seat (or let them use your one in their car) and make it clear that DS is either on the reins or in the buggy, and that is not up for discussion!

But I wouldn't want my child in the car with a driver with Parkinsons, and I think he really ought to be thinking about spending his money on reliable taxis, not a new car.

I was thinking about this today

his insurance is invaled, if this man has a car crash (which is a higher risk due to his condition)

he could be in serious trouble as his insurance wouldn't pay out as he has not informaed anyone about his illness - which means if he hurt someone in a crash they could sue him for damages and instead of the insurance paying up a few thousand he would have to find the money out of his own pocket.

he would also face police charges for sriving without a licence (as his is null and void) and without insurance.....

goodness knows what would happen if he killed a child

I spoke to my DH last night and he agreed with me that he doesn't want them to take DS out. I also asked him if FIL has told the DVLA yet but he doesn't know. I think I'll get him to ring his mum tonight and ask her. I know FIL needs to get this sorted now! I did tell him I thought his insurance would be invalid. I think he is worried about how he would get to work but I agree with Ivykaty, he is being irresponsible and needs to get it sorted.

At least they put him in a car seat, even if they got it wrong.

My ILs once (and only once, after what happened!) babysat my son, theoretically in my house. I came back (from an antenatal appointment) to find the house empty. A few minutes later, FIL drove up in his ancient car, which they bought before I was even born, which has no seatbelts at all in it. DS (about 13 months at the time) was crawling about by himself on the backseat with no restraints whatsoever.

You can see why I have never allowed them to babysit ever again.

Well if his Parkinsons is not progressive, he might not have his licence revoked. He will be issued with a temporary one, 1,2 or 3 years to be reassessed later.

For me, the parkinson's is the thing. I agree this is very likely to invalidate his insurance, and there is no way that I would even think of letting my ds be driven by somebody who didn't have valid insurance.

As an aside, I think that it is very odd that people think you are necessarily doing something wrong if you are happy to be with your dcs all the time.

He needs to notify the DVLA they will then arrange for him to be assessed. He may be fine or he may need to have his car adapted. Either way until he notifies them he is driving illegally. What has his GP said about driving? That will give a clue to what the DVLA will most likely assess.

I think being medically unfit to drive is a big issue. I had to explain to ds's grandma last week that even though she had been driving the previous day with the same problem she could not drive now. She assumed she could continue driving pending the assessment. She has reluctantly accepted this even though she has to see a consultant first and then have her assessment so we are talking about no driving for some months rather than weeks or days.

Having said that I'm amazed at the reponses along the lines of not taking children out at all or not without a parent until school age. I really can't imagine that.

I never had my kids go in the car without a parent until school age, but there was never a need to do this, despite their dad and I both working, albeit part-time.
If the kids were with childminders they usually walked/ went in push chair places, if they were with relatives we were usually there as well. If we'd lived in the middle of nowhere then the situation may have been different.

On the days when I wasn't working I wouldn't have wanted my kids away from me for the day, so don't see why shineone crazydiamond thinks this is odd. There are plenty of days when your kids go off for the day when they go to nursery then school, why not spend time with them if you enjoy it?

Your child your way, remember that, follow your gut and say no.

I have very pushy PIL and SIL and once DS1 stage 3 car seat would not fit in the back of BIL Porshe and I refused to let DS sit in the car without his seat, I explained it was to do with the seatbelt height and they said I was being over protective and silly, I was furious and out my foot down and said no.

YANBU in the circumstances, my step dad had MS and uses fingertip controls on the car, althought a good driver, I would be more worried, my Mum gets this so she always drives if they take the kids out.

Your Child. Your way. And no one else's way!

I would supervise your ILs putting him into the car seat. I did this with my own parents (the shame!) but felt I had to see them doing it for themselves to make sure it was done properly. Paranoid or what!

YANBU, it's difficult to put your trust into someone else, even that of a relative, when caring for your DC.

They must feel they need to do their bit to help out as GPs and that's why they want to take him away for a bit, to give you a wee break??

The PArkinson's makes it IMO impossible for him to drivearound full stop,let alone with your child in the back.

But there are still compromises I think.

Its good that they wish to spend time with your child- really it is, MIL has only met my ds4 once and i think thats sad- but it is possible to go on trips that are far less than all day (my dad often takes my boys to the park for an hour) or maybe one day involve public transport.

I think they are scared that time is running out for them and their DGs with the parkinsons and it may be,someone with advanced PArkinsons needs a lot of care sadly. But there are compromises that are quite safe and involve no risk.

A family friend had Parkinson's which got progressively worse. He could only walk with a zimmer and fell over quite a lot. I asked his daughter if he was still driving and she said, "Yes, but I don't let him drive with my children."

I was pretty appalled. I am no expert, but I think that in this type of situation, the doctor has a lot of discretion as to whether it is ok for someone with Parkinson's / MS / other problems to drive. I think that it is also quite hard for family and GPs too to tell such a person that they need to stop driving...perhaps a doctor could come along and advise?

YANBU.

I don't let my father take my dcs out in his car because I know he is a dangerous driver and shouldn't be on the road - his judgment has gone completely (he crashed into our car and didn't even notice ), he has sleep apnoea [sp?], and he drives dangerously slowly so something moving at normal speed could easily crash into the back of him.
But his GP just gave him the all clear for driving for a while longer.

I've fobbed my parents off by saying that our isofix carseats won't fit into their car, and they don't know enough about it to argue the toss.

I suspect if the guy walks with a zimmer and falls alot his GP has no idea he's still driving.
I think often GPs presume people have more common sense about this sort of thing than they have.
I had a family friend who died when the car he was driving hit a wall. He had dementia and the GP always visited him and had no idea that he still drove (infrequently)as no-one had told him.
If I had concerns about a relative's driving I would write to that relative's GP stating my concerns to ensure the GP realised the relative was still driving and that family members were concerned. I would ask them to keep it confidential so the GP then just quizzes them about theri driving when next seen.
It is up to the driver to contact the DVLA though. GPs can only do this if the driver refuses to do so for confidentiality reasons, and the GP needs to know that the driver hasn't done as they were asked.

You might be right to have some concerns, but the Parkinsons in itself should not prevent him driving. Obviously it depends on the severity, and whether he's properly medicated, but it certinaly isn't a 100% 'he must not drive'.

There's a really useful pdf about driving with Parkinsons here: www.parkinsons.org.uk/about-parkinsons/living-with-parkinsons/help-getting-around.aspx. Perhaps you could print it off for him? If he's recently diagnosed, it might help if he gets in touch with his local brand of the PDS as they'll be able to help with advice, getting to know other people with parkies etc.

He must however inform the DVLA and make sure it's all properly checked etc, so until he's done that then you're more than right not to let them take your son out.

My father has Parkinsons (over 60 and soon to be a grandfather!) and is fine behind the wheel - having got a newer car with power steering and automatic gears. I'm the worlds most nervous passenger and will be happy for him to drive with my soon to be PFB!

On the tiredness thing - don't forget that Parkinsons also affects the muscles in the face, so people with it can often look 'frozen' (or knackered for that matter!). But, yes it does also make people very tired, and can affect speed of reactions. It would really depend how sprightly your MIL is as to whether they could keep up with your son if he dashed off.

FlightofFancy - I hope this doesn't sound disablist but that booklet really alarms me. It is wholly reliant on the person who has PD to determine whether they think they are fit to drive.

My grandad carried on driving until he was unable to release the handbrake and he was pretty sensible and aware of his limitations but really how many people are? If we trusted people to act sensibly, we wouldn't need drink drive laws. Even power steering and automatic clutches can't mitigate against the ability to move your limbs where you want them to go. PD can worsen very quickly.

I know it must be a huge blow to your independence to be unable to drive but that's life sometimes. My friend has just been diagnosed with MS and she's 26. That's pretty shit too.

YANBU.

2rebecca, exactly!! I like having my DS with me. He goes to a creche for 3 hours a week. There was a time when we didn't think we would be able to have children so I am just so pleased that I have my amazing little boy and I want him to be with me. All too soon it will be time for nursery (are they going younger now?) so I want to make the most of this time taking him to groups, swimming etc when I feel up to it.

Carocaro, I couldn't agree more. He is my DS and if people don't like what I want then tough!

Lovechoc, I agree but they never offer to look after him now at their home which is what I would prefer. They used to once in a blue moon but I remember they wanted to do his bath etc and get him ready for bed then for us to go and pick him up which we didn't think was a great idea. They haven't offered since then, and this was months and months ago.

Mumof2222, I know he sees a specialiast about the PD so maybe we should say about asking her what he needs to do about the driving. Would probably sound better coming from a specialist than us.

Flight, I don't think he would have to give up driving completely, but I know thats what he is worried about. I know he really does need to tell the DVLA though but I don't feel its my place to say anymore since I said it to him last week.

Nursery is younger now in Scotland as I think starts at 3 rather than 4, it changed when my youngest finished nursery and started school. He just had a year of nursery but I think now kids get offered 2.