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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get fed up of exp comparing me to his gf........ sorry long.

41 replies

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 16:32

I just called him to ask him for some money.... I have none and the kids need some new stuff as they are starting properly at nursery next week and the nursery asks tht they hve their own wellis, hat and gloves so that they caan play outside which is fair enough and will save a lot of stress with them having a second set to leave in nursery so that were not caught short on their days off..... so anyways i have gone on good old asda and got all of their cheepest options. I asked him to go hlves with me as he promised last week that he would give me some money and yet again he hs an excuse and starts telling me tht i dont understand his situation and that he cant give me what he hasnt got.... so i calmly said i wsa in exactly the same situation and even though my income is higher than his I much much higer out goings. ie my gas and gas & electric has just been put up to £135 a month..... he was like well my gf spends £10 a week on gas and electric..... i get told that i spend too much on my food shopping.... his gf also manages to do that for less as well. I dont think £50 is much to spend a week when i have 2 in nappies and buy all fresh ingredients... loads of fruit nd veg.... i personally dont want my kids to each chips and pizza every night.

Im so sick of it..... sorry just needed a moan.

I tried to keep calm throughout but when he said that i just flipped and ended up screaming that we all know your gf is wonder fucking woman and im a load of shit..... and he slammed the phone down on me.

Its not like i was even asking for much.... just £10-£15 so that i could kit them out.

I feel like telling him that untill he can act like a dad and provide for his kids then he doesnt need to bother collecting them for contact on sunday but i worry tht it will result in him doing soemthing stupid or dangerous.

OP posts:

colditz · 27/11/2009 16:35

You can't deny access until he pays, they are not pay per view television.

I totally understand your frustrations. A good response is "I understand that your girlfriend doesn't spend much on food or heating, but I think our children deserve more than the least I can get away with, don't you?"

mankymummymoo · 27/11/2009 16:41

You can't stop them seeing their dad because of money - hard as it is, (and I know how it feels) you just can't.

I would suggest you either...

a) ask him to pay a regular amount each month and you make do with that, or

b) when you ask him for money. Dont go into details about your outgoings/expenses. Keep it simple. I have had to pay X for Y and I would like you to pay Z towards it. Yes or no?

My ex loved me asking him for money, to use it as an excuse to find out about my life / retain control over me / make me beg / compare me to average annual spending / whatever.

If deciding upon route b, i would point out beforehand that everyone has difficulties making ends meet and that he is either prepared to help or not. I'd advise a) though if you can get him to agree to it, its worth the effort in the long run.

Good luck.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 16:43

oh dont worry i would never deny him access..... i have always pushed him to have a relationship with them.... what a stupid mistake that was!

Im just so tired of fighting.

OP posts:

mankymummymoo · 27/11/2009 16:45

Can't you get something set and regular agreed?

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 16:57

I have tried making him give me money each week/month but i get excuses.... he cant promise anything etc..... The CSA cant do anything becuse he isnt paying tax..... he is working though..... its just a shitty situation really.... and that doesnt even tackle the £2500 he owes me.

im so fed up

OP posts:

mankymummymoo · 27/11/2009 17:01

I know how you feel, its so horrible feeling reliant on someone else isnt it?

Does he earn regular money?

Do you know how much it is?

Is there any way you can manage without his money?

Could you get him to agree that he should pay X per week/month. If he at least agrees in principle, you can tot it up when he says he has no money and then try and get double out of him the next time?

colditz · 27/11/2009 17:02

Does he have work colleagues?

if so, dress the children in the tattiest clothes and shoes then have, and turn up and ask him loudly and repeatedly for a contribution towards his children. Reiterate in front of all his colleagues that "You don't pay anything, you just left them, I don't have the money to buy them CLOTHES and SHOES and COATS because YOU WON'T PAY FOR THE CHILDREN YOU LEFT"

Shame him. Shame him deeply. And keep doing it if you have to. Print up posters with his face on - "This man works full time yet thinks that you, the tax payer, should pay for his children because he can't be bothered"

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:03

What makes you think he would so something stupid or dangerous if you denied access?
I agree this needs looking into- the CSA have special investigators for just this kind of hting, I would insist that they investigate his earnings. I would hate to have to ask dd's dad for things as and when I need them, which is why a proper maintenance arrangement is in place. I wouldn't dream of asking him for extra and I don't think you should have to. Have a chat with the lone parent advisor at the job centre as they will know lots more regarding maintenance

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:05

God no colditz, that's a terrible idea. Do not put the children in the middle fo this. Dressing them in tatty clothes is an awful suggestion. Isee the point you're trying to make but this should be done behind closed doors, away from the children. And dare I say it, I'm not sure I see the need to buy duplicates for nursery if they have them anyway, especially if you have no money.

colditz · 27/11/2009 17:08

Why is it an awful suggestion? The children are already in the middle of this. They are the ones having to go without because their dad thinks he has no responsibility for them. It's the "Behind closed doors" attitude that is allowing the twat to get away with this. he can pretend to bee a fab dad because all that is visible is the good bit - the access. The public should know that they are supporting his children when he is perfectly able to do it himself.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 17:09

He has tried to commit suicide in the past..... I dont want him around but i dont waant him to hurt himself either.

I also worry he would try and take the kids..... i dont know if he actually would but its always in the back of my mind.

Surely he would get into a lot of trouble if he was foound to be dodging his tax.... i have been telling him for months and months he needs to look for a better job but he wont listen.

he drives a taxi..... well when i say drive.... he crashes them.... has writted about 3 off in the space of a few months. Dont know any of his work collegues.

I might try and get hold of his sister. she is normally quite supportive but i doubt he will listen to her either.

OP posts:

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:09

Because children should not be used as pawns and to be honest, I'd have more respect for them and myself than to do that. They do presumably have perfectly presentable clothes. Dressing them in rags to drive home a point is awful

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:10

Yes, he would get into trouble. But that shouldn't stop you reportign him. You don't owe him anything, but it seems you think you do. Why is that?

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 17:14

well ds doesnt have a winter hat at all..... we also use their wellies alot and it would be really annoying to go to use them and realise i had left them at nursery. just seems sensible for them to take in spares and like i said i looked on asda and the wellies were £3 a pair so not exactly breaking the bank..... all I wanted was a tenner off of him.

right now i havent even got enough money for food but he just gives me "neither have I"

He is such a twat. he should be locked up. he doesnt support mine or any of his other kids.

i think im gonna buy a punch bag nd attatch his picture.

the worst thing was comparing me to his gf.... i think its just bloody insulting. (there is nothing wrong with her.... i just think its a joke gloating that she obvioulsy manages her money better than I do.) she only hs one dc for strters..... god im so annoyed. sorry.

OP posts:

Biobytes · 27/11/2009 17:17

Ok, the question is: is it worth it to go into so much trouble, bad feelings, possibly heartache for... £15 pounds?

In principle, you are right, he needs to share the expenses, but if getting him to do it it's going to make you feel bad (not guilty but bad like stressed, fed up, whatever), I would recommend to bite the bullet and carry on.

I realised that not counting on my ex sometimes can be far less stressful than trying to get him to respect his responsibilities. And in occasion, also far more expensive.

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:18

Do you have a job Spooky? Are you getting all you're entitled to?

Biobytes · 27/11/2009 17:18

less expensive.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 17:18

badietbuddy..... I dress them very well.... well the best that asda, primark and any other cheep shop sells. Doesnt bother me where its from. theyre only going to get food or paint on it.

I dont know why I help him..... spose its coz i grew up with out my own dad. mine died when i was 8 and would have given everything to see us grow up etc.... just want my kids to have a little bit of that. he would never speak to me again if i reported him and then the kdis would lose their dad.

OP posts:

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:19

Also (and I'm not criticising, just want to make sure I understand the situation) how often do you ask him for money? I remember several threads along the same lines from you. Does he consider it nagging? It would pee me off if I had someone always askign for money from me, whether I owed it to them or not.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 17:20

Nope im at uni and still waiting for my student loan..... hopefully it will be sorted on monday. (fingers crossed)

bio no its not worth is but it fucks me off that he gives nothing when Im desperate..... he expects my mum to be able to bail me out.

OP posts:

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:22

I have heard that arguement so many times Spooky. From you, and from friends living in DV situations. A dad who is would scarper for having to pay maintenance is not worth having around in the first place. You will do your children more harm than good by pandering to him to keep him happy. There is nothing wrong in being brought up by a happy, independant single parent.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 17:22

Well i ask him when i need it..... I asked last weekend when he picked the kids up and he said he would give me some this week..... he knows how tight things are atm so I waas meerly reminding him of his promise and out came the excuses.

OP posts:

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 27/11/2009 17:23

what is DV.... sorry am crap with the abreviations.

OP posts:

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:23

Spooky have you applied to the Access to Learning fund? They will give you some money to tide you over (I also had a dd when I was at uni and know I couldn't have managed without the money I got from them)

badietbuddy · 27/11/2009 17:24

domestic violence. Not the same, but the women justified not leaving with not wanting the kids to lose their dad.

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