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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a bottle of cava bought for US by a neighbour...

45 replies

waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 08:28

...to toast the birth of DD should not have been opened by DS on his own whilst I was still in hospital?

I had dd by emcs on Sunday evening and had to stay in of course.. our neighbour who had given us a lift in dropped off a bottle of Cava with a card for us to toast her birth on Monday and that evening whilst I was in hospital DH decided to open it on his own and have a very large glass of it. He told me when he came in on Tuesday (not until around 5pm too - another annoyance! and I had a go at him for being a selfish twunt as you are supposed to toast together and I told him it was very selfish of him... he says he didn't realise

then last night I went to bed just after midnight, DH stayed up watching TV and had a can of guiness, he fell asleep downstairs which is fine but when I came down at 4am i noticed a wine glass too, and at half seven i was helping my ds with his packed lunch for a school trip and saw that the bottle of cava now only has 1-2cm left in it! I asked him why he drank the rest and said he was going to throw it down the sink but....arghhh

I asked him why was he so selfish and not wait until we could have a glass together and he says that because when he opened it I told him it would go flat that it would be ok/i didn't want it and that I was being mad... he then said that his mum 'thinks your mad having a go at me about this'....

so, aibu?????

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 27/11/2009 08:30

congratulations on yuour dd
send him out for a bottle of champagne!

Louby3000 · 27/11/2009 08:34

YANBU!! Your husband is being really horrid, and although this is an aside, why the hell is he telling his mum about this! You really don't need her opinion on it!
You have just had a very traumatic birth and your DH needs to come round to the idea that you need to be pampered, listened too, spoiled and what you say goes for a bit.

diddl · 27/11/2009 08:35

He didn´t realise it was for both of you to toast together?

But I can see his point about finishing it if you said you didn´t want any/it would go flat.

But on the whole, YANBU.

nickschick · 27/11/2009 08:35

Its a bottle of cava !!! youve just had a baby youre understandably emotional .....its Friday send him for another bottle and toast together.

bintofbohemia · 27/11/2009 08:38

I can understand why you feel upset, but is this about a bit more? Do you think he drinks too much in general? (Not saying that he does, just wondering if it's playing on your mind?) And congratulations on the birth of DD!

Original poster
waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 08:38

his mum came into the hospital and I mentioned it, not in a huge way....

Tuesday was really difficult day as I was on my own all day and dd wouldn't stop trying to feed, I begged a student mw to hold her for me to have a 5 min shower (hadn't had one since the birth on sunday) and again twice more for a pee and DH came in at around 5pm (slept in until 1pm then got bus at half three and had delays changing buses in town - we live on edge of city about 6 miles from the hospital)....and to be told that the toast had been open on top of that was too much....

OP posts:
Original poster
waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 08:40

i hadn't said I didn't want any, it was when he told me he said he put a stopper in it as if that was ok then... I told him it would prob go flat... he said on Tuesday he's get another one but not yet - then it is only Friday so as long as he does soon that's not the issue.... it was the opening it alone and then rubbing salt in the wound by drinking the rest once I'd gone to bed after midnight!

OP posts:
diddl · 27/11/2009 08:43

So,you´re angry with him in general?

And I don´t blame you!!

He never came in until 5pm?

Blöödy hell!

bintofbohemia · 27/11/2009 08:44

That would really upset me too. I remember having a massive do with DH after DS1 was born because he wrote thank you letters to his side of the family and posted them, then waited weeks to tell me. I hadn't had chance (again, with the no-stop feeding, erm, and not knowing that he'd sent "his") to write any and I was livid. It's a funny time in general and people behave oddly and get upset more easily.

Is it out of character for him? Perhaps he's a bit spun out and not reacting very well?

diddl · 27/11/2009 08:46

I had my second 7pm on a Weds.
Husband was with me stayed until about 9pm.
Next morning he didn´t come in until 11am & I was .

He´d only had to get up & get self & almost 2yr old ready!

Couldn´t believe it took so long.

diddl · 27/11/2009 08:50

Sorry to take over but that´s just reminded me that there was a quiet room we could all go to.

And my toddler lost interest in the baby when he realised he couldn´t run around with the "cot" shouting "vroom vroom!"

Original poster
waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 08:51

its just that I feel he's being quite selfish this week.... he's being great with DD but generally not thinking before doing/saying things... for example;

yesterday DS (aged 10) reminded me he has a school trip today and this means he wont be back at school until 5:30/6. Normally I'd drive down there and get him as its dark and the walk home includes going over dark patches and past the mental hospital. Now I can't drive for the bnext 6 weeks and the 1-1 and a half miles is too far for me to walk after the emcs on sunday (I lost a bit more blood too and it took them an hour to stitch me back up after DD was born) so I asked DH (DS's stepdad) if he could be at the school to pick him up, he said ok but then added something along the lines of 'but I'm not doing this all the time/i'm not a replacement for the car... etc' which really upset me.

Then when it was tea time I was feeding DD so DH said that I should tell him when I wanted my egg cooked and he'd do it, so about 30 mins later I said would it be ok and he said yes, I then asked if he could flick some of the oil on top of the egg whilst it cooks as i don't like the top being so raw/runny as DH & DS does and he started moaning about how me and DS were so fussy etc.. so I said fine don't bother I'll do it myself at which point he said he was only joking! - not very funny imo...

I now feel that I can't ask him to do anything for me/DS and that I should just try and do it myself he just seems to think i am being very unreasonable....

OP posts:
Louby3000 · 27/11/2009 08:53

Eh? Where was he all night? I dont get it, is he living with you, sorry if I am being thick

Original poster
waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 08:56

yeah we live together, he left the hospital at 9pm and got a taxi home, he likes to stay up late anyway but said he couldn't sleep/was exhausted etc... obviously he did sleep at some point but didn't get up until 1....

I had various texts telling me he was tired... qwhen he called at about lunchtime I told him I was having a tough day and still hadn't been able to have a shower and couldn't until he got in...

OP posts:
Original poster
waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 08:58

The hospital visiting times was 9am until 9pm for partners. On wednesday he got in at around 11, he walked DS to school and went into town, had a brekkie at MDs and then came in

OP posts:
Louby3000 · 27/11/2009 09:01

HES TIRED!?
Sorry I would flip my lid if this was my DH.
Have you talked to him about all this when you are both calm/not fighting?

Original poster
waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 09:08

hi Louby, yes I've tried but he says he's stressed too and doesn't see that he has done ANYTHING wrong... if i say anything he says 'i'm not allowed to say anything am i...' and goes on about his blood pressure and stress....

It seems I'm not allowed to have any attention myself and perhaps I should just 'pull mysef together and stop being so mad'...

Well, one things for sure, if he needs to have an op I think i may act just like he has!!!

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 27/11/2009 09:15

Hmm, does sound like he needs to realise that having your DD has taken a lot out of you, and that means that, yes, he will be a replacement for the car for a bit.

He is being a pratt, and needs to stop it.

And I would have been annoyed about the cava too, but could also imagine DH thinking he was then doing the right thing by finishing it off. Can you make a short walk to a shop and buy a bottle of something special for you and DH to toast with this evening?

Weegle · 27/11/2009 09:18

Let me get this straight - you had a section less than one week ago and your DH is basically having repeated little paddies that he's not getting his way, and that he's tired?!

He needs a kick up the arse. NOTHING you say or do is unreasonable at the moment - you've just had major surgery and got a newborn. He should be bending over backwards.

I too would be more than hacked off with the 5pm show up. I would be hacked off with the lack of help and consideration. And I think you are dealing with it admirably considering your hormones, pain and tiredness must be going nuts.

Is there any friend of his who's had a baby (even better by c-section) who could have a word about realistic expectations?

CirrhosisByTheSea · 27/11/2009 09:19

The cava I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at. So what if he opened it. I wouldn't care at all and I do think you may have been a teensy bit over the top about that. You could so easily just have said "since you've guzzled that bottle can you pick up some champagne and we'll have a toast together at the weekend" or something...

Other than that he does sound as if he's been a rock for you during this time - NOT! I would be SO annoyed by him not turning up till 5 or sleeping till 1pm when he has you and a newborn daughter in the hospital.

I think maybe with him, a bit like a toddler, you need to let the little stuff go and fight the big stuff. Don't moan about the wine - and then any moans you do have about how he is or isn't helping enough, will carry more weight and be more listened to, imho. Because he DOES need to shape up, you have had a major trauma and you need help and support for weeks to come.

By the way, congratulations!

diddl · 27/11/2009 09:20

I´m sorry to say but considering this is his first baby, he seems very disinterested.

He certainly does need a kick up the ärse!

It´s not all about him any more!

Stayingsunnygirl · 27/11/2009 09:21

He sounds like my dh in some ways - they share this inability to empathise with someone else, or be sensitive to their feelings. I've had the martyr attitude from dh when he's been doing something for me, and I've asked for it to be done a particular way. And then going on the offensive when you try to express how you are feeling - yup - very familiar.

Dh has got better over the years, but it has been hard work. You are tired, hormonal and uncomfortable, and have every right to feel upset at the way he's behaving. I wish I had a magic solution for you - when if I find it, I'll let you know!

Congratulations on the new baby, and I hope that things settle down for you so that you can concentrate on enjoying her and recovering from the emcs.

TheCrackFox · 27/11/2009 09:21

That nearly empty bottle of Cava would have had to be removed with forceps if my Dh acted like such a selfish cock.

Tell him to go pull his socks up and go to the shops and buy some champagne.

Original poster
waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 09:27

isitmeor - the closest shop is about 2 miles away and includes a reasonably big hill, don't think I could manage walking to the end of the road.... So I can't go to the shop. Don't want to either, why should i? Its dh who drank it....

weegle - don't think he has any, I suspect he wouldn't talk to them anyway as he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong....

He'll prob moan at me for posting on here too, and no doubt have a winge about me waking him later at about half ten to ask him to tidy and so that I can see the midwife upstairs when she comes....

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 27/11/2009 09:32

Get the lazy fucker out of bed. It is you that should be resting - you have had a major operation.

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