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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a bottle of cava bought for US by a neighbour...

45 replies

waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 08:28

...to toast the birth of DD should not have been opened by DS on his own whilst I was still in hospital?

I had dd by emcs on Sunday evening and had to stay in of course.. our neighbour who had given us a lift in dropped off a bottle of Cava with a card for us to toast her birth on Monday and that evening whilst I was in hospital DH decided to open it on his own and have a very large glass of it. He told me when he came in on Tuesday (not until around 5pm too - another annoyance! and I had a go at him for being a selfish twunt as you are supposed to toast together and I told him it was very selfish of him... he says he didn't realise

then last night I went to bed just after midnight, DH stayed up watching TV and had a can of guiness, he fell asleep downstairs which is fine but when I came down at 4am i noticed a wine glass too, and at half seven i was helping my ds with his packed lunch for a school trip and saw that the bottle of cava now only has 1-2cm left in it! I asked him why he drank the rest and said he was going to throw it down the sink but....arghhh

I asked him why was he so selfish and not wait until we could have a glass together and he says that because when he opened it I told him it would go flat that it would be ok/i didn't want it and that I was being mad... he then said that his mum 'thinks your mad having a go at me about this'....

so, aibu?????

OP posts:

Original poster

waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 09:32

diddl- its not his first, he has a dd aged 14 too who stays occasionally ( being a typical teen she has a hectic social life) and he is great with the new dd and usually with dss (not a lot of patience though as ds is active and house is small), its just me that is the bottom of the pile it seems.....

OP posts:

Alambil · 27/11/2009 09:39

WAKE him at half TEN??! bloody hell, unless he's on nights, he's being a lazy fucker.

wake him up NOW and get him to do stuff and go to bed with DD and REST, woman!

sowhatis · 27/11/2009 09:40

he is being a knob. is he on paternity leave? or doesnt he work? if he is laying in until 1pm, and going to bed late surely he gets up for work, so can manage to get up to help you?

sorry he is being an arse. i think you need to show him this and tell him to get a grip and help, not to moan.

Louby3000 · 27/11/2009 10:27

Well thats fair in a way, he is stressed and has every right to feel that way, new babies are hard. but he needs to give you lots and lots of love and support now. i am sorry you are haviung a tough time. i have to go out now! Will check back later. Hope you get some better advice and things work out. take care of that scar and get your family and ,mates to give you lots and lots of help. I over did it with my CS and it got realy sore and took ages to recover from!

Rhubarb · 27/11/2009 10:33

Oh it's only a bottle of cava!

I may get flamed for this, but I think you are being over sensitive because of all the baby hormones floating around. Your dh was no doubt worried about you and stressed and opened a bottle of sparkly wine he found in the fridge - so what? He probably didn't realise it was for you both. He just wanted a stiff drink and found that.

He can go off and buy a bottle of champers later.

He's right, it would have gone flat if he'd have left it.

What you do have every right to go mad at however, is the fact that you had been up all night and were expected to get up in the morning to pack for your ds' school trip. HE should have done that. AND if he's going to have a drink, he should clear up his mess afterwards.

So yabu about the cava, I think you should be getting angry about him not pulling his weight.

Rhubarb · 27/11/2009 10:35

Ah, I see other posters have made the exact same points.

I'll leave you all to it then.

mayorquimby · 27/11/2009 10:39

yanbu about the initial opening of the bottle, that was inconsiderate.
yabu to be mad about the subsequent drinking of the remainder 3 days later when you had already said it would go flat and he'd said that he'd get a fresh bottle when you were ready to toast the birth.as he says it was astraight choice between puring it down the sink and drinking it.

Biobytes · 27/11/2009 10:39

So you do all the hard work of having a baby and he consumes the gift while you are still in hospital?

Sounds just like my ex, who after 27 hrs of labour and despite the fact I was not well enough after it, disapeared for a full day in the advice of a midwife who told him he looked exhausted and deserved a good rest.

Lulumama · 27/11/2009 10:39

sounds like the cava was the final straw

why is he in bed until half ten?if it's because he was out all night drinking or up playing on the xbox or surfing the net, he has no excse, you need support

if he is in bed as he is working nights, then fair play

has he always been so self absorbed??

diddl · 27/11/2009 10:56

He definitely needs to start helping!

And I can´t believe he said something to his mum!

Are we the only couple who have never spoken to parents about disagreements?

And in bed at 10.30?

We rarely stay in bed that late at a weekend!

BonjourIvresse · 27/11/2009 10:57

He sounds like he's being twattish, and I think he did the wrong thing even opening the cava without you. YANBU and he needs a kick up the arse, especially for moaning to his mum about you.

WingedVictory · 27/11/2009 11:02

This staying in bed and moaning about doing things, could it be because he is hungover? That list of drinks you detailed earlier sounded a bit much. It's one thing to finish something off, or have a can or something, but more than one type of alcohol really indicates to me that someone is "not finished yet".

I'm sorry to load that idea onto you as well, but it could be a handle to get others involved. After all, even if his family doesn't particularly care (you seemed hesitant about bringing up a complaint with his mother) what inconvenience you may be put to, they must, surely, react to excessive drinking.

Though if the drinking is just a passing phase, my apologies for worrying you and thank goodness!

Another way to bring external ("objective") pressure to bear on him is that business with the car. Not only is it selfish to complain that he doesn't want to drive rather than you, he needs to be reminded that you aren't insured to drive for 6 weeks after a CS. This is because they cannot trust you (and it is not fair to ask you) to perform an emergency stop due to the physical trauma.

Good luck in getting through to him, and do keep posting here if you need support .

Original poster

waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 11:35

hi everyone and thanks for the comments...

Dh does work, he's on leave this week and poss next week, he works shifts such as 7:30-3, 2-9;30 and once a week a night 9-8, he stays up late most nights out of habit surfing the net/watching politics or music stuff and if on a late shift usually gets up around 11... After an early shift he always goes into town and is home anywhere between 6 and 9, he has promised to change this habit though.

He can't drive, his dad has offered to pay for lessons etc and all he needs to sort is his licence but he stresses about everything and hasn't sorted it yet even though he's had the form for months... I used to drive him to work at weekends as no buses that early and do all the driving to see family and get dsd so me not being able to drive is a pain!

yes, he admits he drinks heavily/too often and cut down to a pint or two three-five times a week and the odd can at home, his dad was an alcoholic and he realises he needs to be careful and wants to change. I've told him he has to as I won't put up with it and until this cava thing he's been pretty good. I don't buy drink in advance of events anymore as it used to get 'found' and drunk...

He didn't find the cava, it was handed to him with the comments of 'for you two to toast dd'

I went back to bed just after 9 and was sound asleep so left him but woke him at eleven and told him midwife here soon so he needs to get up, he jumped out of bed and is hoovering/tidying whilst I wait for dd to wake for another feed... Hopefully today he might be more thoughtful??? We'll see I guess and he has to get ds later too...

OP posts:

sowhatis · 27/11/2009 14:45

hope he gets his arse into gear.

Just wondering.......WTF does he do 'in town' for 3-6hrs after work?

enjoy your new baby xxx

Original poster

waddlelikeaduck · 27/11/2009 19:18

he has 'me time' which is usually a mix of reading the magazines in borders, looking around shops and a pint in tgeb pub... Our buses are twice an hour and the last main one is around half six, there is another at ten past 8/9/10/11 if he misses the other, we are about 5 miles from the town centre and his work is between home and the town centre...

I've asked before if he can come home at least once a week straight from work but this hasn't happened yet perhaps it will now dd is here. He will also go into town on his days off, usually mid afternoon including sundays.
Today has been better, midwife came at 3 and he went and got ds from school without a moan and has said that he'll take him for a swim tomorrow too.

He also changed the nappy from hell!!

OP posts:

diddl · 27/11/2009 19:55

My husbands "me time" is the 45 min drive to work & the 45 min drive back home!

IsItMeOr · 27/11/2009 20:03

Your DH does not know that he (or it would seem yet, his DD) is born...he appears to have been living the life of a single student up to now. Congratulations on your DD, and best of luck with helping your DH become a good father.

moondog · 27/11/2009 20:07

What an absolute cock he sounds.
As always, am staggered that people put up with, let alone have children with these pathetic excuses for men.

sowhatis · 27/11/2009 20:12

'me time' my god - who on earth gets that much 'me time' every week, or every month/year.

i hope he realises he has DD - but going on the fact he lives with your DS and has an elder DD i wonder why he is being a prat and not spending time with you all. wierd.

sorry, i realise that isnt helpful, and i do hope you sort things out xxx

TotalChaos · 27/11/2009 20:15

the cava isn't that big a thing, the general twattishness is the problem. could he be going out drinking after work a lot?

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