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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be secretly pleased that dh is not finding being a SAHP as easy as he thought?

30 replies

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 26/11/2009 18:15

My dh got made redundant on Tuesday, with immediate effect, and has been at home today, "helping" me out. This morning he took ds to toddler group while I took dd to an NCT meeting (had to go to help a mate out), and then dh dropped ds off at nursery for the afternoon, then coming home and doing some chores around the house (he put some washing on ) before going to get ds from nursery.

When it came to teatime for the kids, he hadn't planned anything so cobbled together a perfectly adequate dinner from stuff in the cupboards (top marks, that man!) but is now fumbling around juggling them both trying to get them in the bath.

The house looks like a bomb's hit it and there doesn't appear to be any dinner for us - I feel the chip shop may be beckoning.

I have offered to help, but he just gets cross and snaps that it's not that hard, but he's clearly struggling. I will go and give him a hand getting the dc in their pyjamas in a mo.

It just makes me larf that even though he only had 1 child for most of the day, he couldn't even manage half of what i do - yet I work (when not on mat leave) and still manage the childcare/housework arrangements. I'm hoping that a little bit of time at home will make dh appreciate me more!

OP posts:
puffylovett · 26/11/2009 18:18

YANBU ! The best thing I ever did was start college 2 full weekends per month when DS1 was 6 months old - he seriously appreciates me and helps lots with both DS1 & DS2

(Although I did used to have to spend monday cleaning up after him - )

groundhogs · 26/11/2009 18:57

YANBU, sit back and enjoy! Ha Ha ha, cos it's not like its a hard job being a SAHP is it. . .

Would love to see the full dawn of realisation on his face when he realises that it IS actually a lot of hard work....

When do you plan on running your finger over the surfaces and examining the dust....

JustAnotherManicMummy · 26/11/2009 19:01

I find a 2 hours stint for DH at "being me" is to remind him he has it relatively easy. And he doesn't even have to do breast feeding

YANBU. Although a leetle bit unkind perhaps

Adair · 26/11/2009 19:02

YANBU

My dh is a teacher and so has 13 weeks each year where he gets the experience the horror joy of full-on whole day childcare for himself.

He has never, ever said being a SAHP is easy.

ln1981 · 26/11/2009 21:47

YANBU!
Hopefully he'll soon learn to 'multi-task' as good as you do, and then you will really be onto a winner!
I think a wee shot of being the sahp does them a wee bit of good-i went to a family wedding abroadlast year and was away for 2wks, he kept a diary of his time and i read it when i got back-it was bloody hilarious!! men really do think you spend all day watching trash on tv and drinking cups of tea, not doing the serious job of keeping the house going!! i also get a lot more help now than i did before i went.

bigchris · 26/11/2009 21:53

yabu

he got made redundant on tuesday? today is thursday!!
cut him some slack please

ssd · 26/11/2009 21:57

hee hee, YANBU!

pithyslicker · 26/11/2009 22:03

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
Being made redundant is horrible,has he any chance of a another job?

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 22:03

you are being mean,dh made redundant and you are carpin

get a grip woman.have a thought about the catastrphic impact upon him (and ultimately all of you)

do stop moaning about the house work and his alleged inabilities.this is most definitely not amoment

and the conspiratorial Huh men posts are barking too

how will you pay mortgage,commitments,bills

Snorbs · 26/11/2009 22:28

How badly would it go down here if it was a bloke posting that he was secretly pleased that his wife was finding it difficult to be a SAHM?

He's going to make mistakes and it's going to take him some time to get into the swing of it. He's also likely reeling from the whole redundancy thing as well. I know I was when I was made redundant a few months ago.

If he knew you were so quick to gloat over him not doing everything to your immediate satisfaction he'd be deeply hurt and likely thinking you're being a self-righteous, uncaring arse. Give the man a break, FFS.

scottishmummy · 26/11/2009 22:42

you should be ashamed of yourself.mirth at misfortune

you took vows
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer

time to pull together not take the piss on mn

forehead · 26/11/2009 22:44

I would usually say yanbu, but because your dh has been made redundant i think yabvu. Then again it depends on your dh's attitude towards looking after the children, has he been unsympathetic towards you? Has he previously made comments about how easy child rearing is.?

skihorse · 27/11/2009 06:40

YABU - he has done everything needed to be done to take care of the children and you're nit-picking about dusting? If you were to get a job, would you hit the ground running?

differentnameforthis · 27/11/2009 06:50

Yeah, cos all his confidence needs after being made redundant is you harping on about his 'inadequacies'

Would it be acceptable for him to speak about you like this

Grow up!

Adair · 27/11/2009 07:16

Oh come on, yes, of course, I'm sure she is being supportive and kind to her husband in real-life.

I was kind of assuming that she HAD been spoken about like this. IE he has been a husband who was unsympathetic, and has always said how easy it was and expressed disapproval that the carpets weren't hoovered bla bla - and IMVHO, then no, it is NBU to crow a bit (on MN) and be a little thankful that that he might finally realise (and appreciate the OP more).

As I said, my dp wouldn't dream of saying it was easy or that I should clear up or anything, but I know there are partners who do.

Asana · 27/11/2009 09:23

YANBU. To the rest of the cat's bum comments, lighten up I'm sure there's lots of stuff she's worried about, but perhaps she isn't happy to share that with the rest of you. Even in dire situations, a bit of black humour never goes amiss.

To the OP - YANBU, YANBU, YANBU . I would view this as the extra incentive your husband will use to get another job pronto!

pithyslicker · 27/11/2009 09:29

Asana-This is 'Am I being unreasonable' not 'Agree with everything I say'

Asana · 27/11/2009 09:53

True, which is why I said to the OP that SWNBU. You don't have to agree with what I say, and vice versa, and it's your/my right to voice it.

OP - just to clarify, IMVHO, YANBU

RainRainGoAway · 27/11/2009 10:01

I think it is a sad posting. Her poor DH lost his job on Tuesday and is probably feeling like shit with low self-esteem.

He does not have the same routine or 'support network' a SAHM would have built up during the week.
Cut the guy some slack. Give it a few weeks and he will probably do it as well as any SAHM, as two of my friends found when their DHs lost their jobs. One of the SAHDs hangs out at the toddler groups with us now and does the whole music with mummy thing and coffee mornings.
One of these friends had to go temping in the meantime and they found she could earn more money and now the DH is a SAHD and really happy. She is not. as she finds working full time awful.

WingedVictory · 27/11/2009 10:30

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad, I don't think you're being that unreasonable to be interested to see what happens when he tries out the SAHP lark, although you ought to keep in mind that it takes a while to work out how to do things in the right order, how to do things "properly", etc.

Has anyone been reading the NaiveNewbie thread, about how awful the first few months are? Make allowances for the stress of birth, and many of us were pretty damned incompetent, too! Not to mention crying about everything being incompetent!

Another thing to watch out for is if your DH does learn a thing or two, and then thinks he knows it all. This happened to me when my DH spent 3 months out of work at the beginning of this year. I started to go absolutely crazy at how he was criticising me and sometimes taking DS away from me to comfort him "properly" (grrr), having "earned this right". What particularly irked me was that he was undermining me but was going to then leave me to continue doing it, and doing it alone, as soon as he got a job (I was bf and no way could I earn as much as he could ).

So be careful! You might have to raise your game a bit to stay in this smug (but not entirely unreasonable ) frame of mind!

WingedVictory · 27/11/2009 10:34

and I second what Adair said: the OP has made no mention of crowing to her husband yet; she's just anticipating! And why not look for a silver lining after such a financial and emotional shock?

SerenityNowAKABleh · 27/11/2009 10:43

I think YAB a bit U. The poor man has lost his job and has only had 1 day of doing your "job" (kind of). It's early days and he's probably feeling rather fragile and not knowing what to do. Cut him some slack.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 27/11/2009 10:46

Morning all!

Just to clarify, I have not and would not ever say anything to dh IRL. Under the circumstances he's done very well, bearing in mind that he was pretty much an absentee parent in the week and the hours he worked meant that he never saw the dc in the week.

The redundancy was not a massive surprise, he hated the job anyway, we've got redundancy insurance on mortgage, so financially we'll be ok - if a little tight for a bit. I'm going back to work early (was meant to finish mat leave in Jan anyway) so yes I very much hope to "hit the ground running".

I love my dh very much, which isn't to say that I can't be secretly a little bit pleased that he's now realising that I don't sit around on my arse watching Jeremy Kyle all day!

OP posts:
cheesefarmer · 27/11/2009 11:26

yanbu to feel pleased that he might appreciate you a bit more now. However, once he gets into his groove with the house stuff he might think it's easy!

Litchick · 27/11/2009 11:35

I think it does our DPs good to see how hard it is to run homes and families - thoygh I'm sorry it'a in these circumstances for him, obviously.