In thinking those that emigrate should do the lions share of visiting those left behind?

[KERALA1]

Genuinely wondering this because MIL and I seem to have different views on it.

ILs are emigrating next year back to the European country MIL is from having lived in the UK for 40 years. They will live in a city that is too far to drive to and not somewhere I would particularly choose to visit/have holidays. MIL is full of plans about us spending every summer there and visiting alot isn't it marvellous etc. I don't want to rain on her parade but:

1. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old.We did one flight when we just had a 2 year old and it was so stressful we decided for the next 5 years or so our holidays would be spent at the lovely coastline two hours drive from us. We had such a holiday last year and it was wonderful.

1. You can't fly to this city from our local airport. So thats a 3 hour coachride to Heathrow, 2 hour wait, 2 hour flight then hour transfer the other end. I am sure people will say "thats nothing I flew to Australia with one year old triplets" but it sounds a hassle to me.

1. I dont want to spend our precious holiday time and money going to a city in a country I dont really enjoy visiting just because ILs have decided they fancy living there.

I know we will visit and it is important for them to see their GC but her assumption that we all have to fall into line behind her plans is winding me up. AIBU?

YANBU no.

YANBU
They are the ones who have chosen to live away from their gc and you should def not feel guilty about this. Maybe they are talking about this so the move doesn't seem so difficult to them and are not actually expecting it though?

I would say it's more about who can make the journey with least amount of hassle than saying the person who emigrates should do all the visiting. Dh and I both emigrated separately from the country we grew up in. We probably have always done most of the visiting but then we do like catching up with friends back there as well as family. It is less easy and less affordable now with dcs in tow. My family do come to visit a lot but PILs definitely need to be coerced into visiting us even though they are relatively young and healthy, etc.

So I would say YANBU to visit your PILs unless it suits you but more because of the difficulty in doing the trip rather than because it is their choice to emigrate...

Yes and no.
We are about emigrate as DH has to take this job abroad. We have 2 young dc so will be expecting people who don't have too many dcs etc to visit. I hope. I think it should be a give and take thing.

I would say you're not BU, but hope you bear this in mind should your life take you overseas, or your DCs decide to live abroad.

Since we moved to Oz, no-one in my family has either mentioned coming to visit or phoned me.

I have visited 3 times in less than 4 years and phone.

YANBU, especially as there's only the 2 of them to travel. Also, I assume that when making the decision to emigrate, one of the considerations has to be who you're leaving behind.

Anyway, from what you've written in your OP, it's not the case that you're refusing to ever visit, it's more about them understanding your limitations.

I emigrated. We have always done the main visiting (religiously twice a year, sometimes 3 times), even when dcs were babies. But my family do have more space. And a beach. So it's not entirely to our disadvantage. I've just got very used to travelling with children.

Yes and thats fair enough cory. I just resent feeling forced to travel with young children at some personal cost, to a place I dont want to visit to spend time with people I dont find particularly easy. It got even more annoying when MIL started to explain how to amuse children on planes. Apparently you take a bag of toys.....grrr she does wind me up!

And plenty of chocolate buttons

And a job lot of Medised...for both parents and children alike.

YANBU
I feel the same. Brother and SIL moved to the South of France about 3.5 years ago. They have only just had a baby but in all that time have never been back to the UK to visit us (we have a 3yo and a 6mo) and have only been back to see my parents twice (they go over to France about 2 or 3 times a year instead). They are always far too busy with work to take any time off . We have been over once (when DS was 8mo) but didn't see that much of them (too busy with work) and travelling with small children is such a bloody hassle (as they will now discover ).

Have just got used to the idea that I am hardly ever going to see them again and our kids won't know their cousin(s) until they are(probably) much older

yanbu, it is a bit unreasonable of her to just make the assumption that everyone is willing to spend their holiday time, money and inconvenience going to that same location every time just because that is what they want. it sounds like it would be much easier for them to travel. maybe she does not realise she is being annoying, but just doesn't properly think and she has got the mistake perception like "oh how lovely, it will be a free holiday home for all the grandchildren" or that kind of mindset?

I have emigrated and now the majority of my holiday time and financial budget goes on going to see my family and friends at home.

Holidays which never are truly relaxing as there are so many people to see and visit.

My parents have visited me twice in 4 years, once after the birth of my child. Others have visited once, a lot of them promised to visit, I saved up holidays for the visits never to happen and ended up not doing anything useful with them.

From my own experience, it's quite hurtful if people decide not to visit you, just because it was you who moved away.

It depends who wants to see who most. If a relative moves abroad you visit them as often as you wish to visit them and they visit you as often as they want to visit you, provided the visits are agreed in advance and convenient.
If you don't want to visit you don't visit, easy, and if the family moans tell them you'd be happy for them to visit you if they wish to see you. Long haul with young kids is a pain. If they've retired they'll not have limited holiday time to worry about either.
No-one is forcing you to go. They are asking you, you can say no. The main person you need to be in agreement with here is your husband. What his parents want is irrelevent. If he takes the view that they have chosen to move so they can travel to you then it's easy. If he's desperate to visit Oz regularly for holidays it's harder.

YANBU, I feel bad that I can't see family overseas, mainly because they've moved to places that are expensive to get to, but as they chose to move there, I don't feel I should have to apologise for it.

I do try and make up for it by sending letters etc though, to let them know they are missed, and welcome them if they come over here.

Very selfcentred to move abroad and then moan if people don't visit you, fine, move, but understand that there are myriad reasons why its not easy to go and visit all the time

If they haven't moved yet then it might be reasonable to warn her you probably won't be visiting every year, saying something like "x isn't that convenient to get to with kids, we'll visit you when we can but can't promise every year although you're always welcome to visit us."
I see it's not Australia, I got confused as you mentioned it lower down.
I went to Oz for a year and my family didn't visit just waited for me to get home, that was fine, they all had jobs and it was my decision to leave.
I'd discuss the internet and webcams with your inlaws, or leave husband to do this.

I definitely think it is worth trying to have some sort of conversation with your MIL to say up front before they go that whilst she can dream about you all spending your holidays with her, BUT "hey ho, back in the real world with all the [listed] problems in getting to you and the little holiday time we get, we'll be lucky to get a week or two by the sea [2 hours away place]'...

and then see how she reacts. and do the same every time she mentions it,

Might be that she thinks the more often she says it the more likely it is to come true.

Alternatively you could always make yourself overheard (from the next room, baby monitor etc) saying about what a dreadful place it is she is going to and you'll need to be dragged there kicking and screaming once a decade

YANBU - my in-laws moved to France 5 years ago and I have never visited, despite being invited every summer.

It would be a busmans holiday for me. Doing exactly the same thing there that I do at home but with a whole load of added stress and expense. No thanks.

I let dh take the kids on his own. I have a lovely week at home by myself. It's heaven.

YANBU, in your circumstances.

I came home, DH emigrated with me. But ILs visit us rather than the other way around because both practically and financially it's easier that way.

We are frantically saving for a bigger house so we don't have to raise our family in a 2-bed walk-up flat. They have two houses, one of which they bought for about three shillings in the 70s, that's now worth a bomb.

Schlepping across the world with a toddler in tow is the very last thing we would do with our money, apart from possibly burn it (and even then we would debate - DD would be a horror show on the flight). They accept that if they didn't do the travelling, they wouldn't see their DGC.

Perhaps your MIL has been longing to move home for many many years and thinks that it would be a great place to visit? It may be just that she has very rose tinted glasses about the whole thing, and is looking forward to showing her grandchildren (and her son too perhaps) her roots. Maybe she is just seeking reassurance that she's not going to lose her grandchildren in the process of moving home?

I can see that's not a nice journey though - perhaps you could meet up somewhere easier for both parties to access?

I agree YANBU in your circumstances. We live overseas and both my parents and my MIL have been out to visit a lot and I mean a lot. But this is mainly because my parents are both recently retired and DH helps to support his Mum financially. We are both working and so our time is a bit more limited. We've been back twice in the 3 years we've been here - once for DNs christening and once to have DS christened and to meet his Great Grandmother who is unable to travel here. Also a bit like some of the others quite selfishly other than seeing family and friends I don't want to spend 13 hours on a flight with a toddler going back to an invariably cold and rainy UK and then make everyone miserable because time is so limited that we can't see anyone for long enough.

I don't know, I think I agree with you and your circumstances, but it's not the same for everyone. We moved to Singapore 5 years ago for dh's work, with 2yo ds, and since then have gone back 3 times a year, and really made the effort to travel around seeing as many family members as possible.

Now we have 18 mo ds2 as well, and have decided to only go back once a year, for a long summer break. I really got quite annoyed at always being the one to visit, and not many of my family making the trip over here. I know it's expensive, but really, in 5 years I've had one visit from my sister and her dd/dh, and 2 from my mum. THey're good at saying they miss us so much, but apparently not enough to actually come over here and see us.

It's quite a sore subject with me as so many of my friends have family that come over on a regular basis, and I do feel sad that mine don't feel that need. It's not like we had any choice about coming here - it was that or dh wouldn't have a job, but it feels like we're being frozen out for daring to leave.

I think rather than those emigrating doing the lion's share of visiting, they should realise that moving abroad is going to cut you off a bit visits-wise. Up to them whether or not they want to visit. Equally, it's up to you whether or not you want to visit!

My family have lived in 3 different countries for the past 10 years (me in one, parents in another, most of my other siblings in the UK where we were all brought up). I got a few visits and I tried to go back once a year to visit family (never had much money!) and we all tried to meet at my parents' for Christmas which some of us managed every year and some of us managed most years. I think that's fair enough - part of the parcel of living in different countries. You just do what you can and what you feel like.

Ironically perhaps, we moved to the UK a few months ago and I still haven't yet managed to meet up with 3 of my siblings - but again, it's down to time and financial restraints.

Dh's parents live on another continent and we are expected to go there once a year and they come to us once a year (for a good 2 months or so - which is fun, all squeezing into a tiny flat, still that's probably another thread). Totally agree with whoever said that all your holidays are spent up visiting family so you never actually just get a 'proper' holiday as just your family. I feel like we do a lot of travelling but not actually get to see anything new or have any holidays looks forward to when the dc's are old enough to just travel to the IL's with their dad

So YANBU in that your MIL shouldn't just assume everyone will follow in their wake for all their holidays etc.

Sign her up to Skype and buy her a webcam as a moving present

I think it depends on who the travelling is more convenient for.

We are abroad and are constricted by school holidays.
Also, children have no friends in UK, ther is nothing to do at grandparents, & we have to pay for accommodation.

My ILs could "hop on a plane" anytime to visit and stay with us.

They think it is our "duty" to do the visiting.
Consequence?-they have never been here so have seen their only grandchildren twice in 15yrs!