In thinking those that emigrate should do the lions share of visiting those left behind?

[KERALA1]

Genuinely wondering this because MIL and I seem to have different views on it.

ILs are emigrating next year back to the European country MIL is from having lived in the UK for 40 years. They will live in a city that is too far to drive to and not somewhere I would particularly choose to visit/have holidays. MIL is full of plans about us spending every summer there and visiting alot isn't it marvellous etc. I don't want to rain on her parade but:

1. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old.We did one flight when we just had a 2 year old and it was so stressful we decided for the next 5 years or so our holidays would be spent at the lovely coastline two hours drive from us. We had such a holiday last year and it was wonderful.

1. You can't fly to this city from our local airport. So thats a 3 hour coachride to Heathrow, 2 hour wait, 2 hour flight then hour transfer the other end. I am sure people will say "thats nothing I flew to Australia with one year old triplets" but it sounds a hassle to me.

1. I dont want to spend our precious holiday time and money going to a city in a country I dont really enjoy visiting just because ILs have decided they fancy living there.

I know we will visit and it is important for them to see their GC but her assumption that we all have to fall into line behind her plans is winding me up. AIBU?

Note that most who don't visit is ILs not parents! My parents live in the far east and I go every year, alone, with my four dcs...for the whole summer. My mother does come back alot though.

"Oh darling MIL, how lovely it will be for you to be back home, and how nice for my DP and DCs to be able to explore their roots in your lovely country. I suspect we won't be able to come as much as we'd like to, because of the cost and the difficulties of travelling with small children, and of course we will want to use precious and limited holiday time for beach holidays as well, which are so special to us as a family. But I promise we will come, just maybe not as much as you hope. And of course we do hope you will come back and see the GCs in their home environment lots too as of course you are so able and jetsetting. You are such an inspiration to me, setting off on this new adventure at this time of life. I do hope I have such energy and get up and go when I am your age."

Job done.

YANBU. My family all lives in the US, and we just can't afford to go for every single holiday and the like. We do a three week visit in summer, and for the rest of the year, everyone is welcome to come to us. I am fortunate in that I am an only child, so my mom and dad have been over to the UK several times. I miss my extended family, but again, once a year, flying that far with two small children (okay three, really...my poor dh gets stuck with our two toddlers and MY own infantile whinging all the way home!)is quite enough.
I would just make clear that you'll do once (or twice) a year...they have to understand that it's easier when you're just two adults travelling...

I think the decision about who visits whom depends entirely on the destination.

I always prefer to travel to my parents when the weather is good, because they live in the countryside and have a large garden and aren't far from the beach, so DD and I can take full advantage of that.

In winter, however, it is nice when my parents come to us in Paris and we can do indoor city things when the weather is cold.

hmmm. I think it's up to you what you do and they shouldn't pressure you but you should prepare yourself for a future where they miht not bother coming back to see you regularly. Would you and your DH mind that?

Also It doesn't sound like they are moving just because they fancy it but so that your MIL can be back in her home country, which seems fair enough to me despite being onconvenient.

Travelling with toddlers / babies isn't that bad - it's just a grin and bear it thing. And take lots of wipes. That doesn't cut it for me a a reason to not see loved ones.

However, visits to relies are not the same as familiy holidays with just you, dh and kids and can leave you feeling like you;ve just spent all your money, and your accrued leave, and now you need a holiday, so YANBU.

I imagine that your dh will want some visits there, and obv the kids and grandparetns will want to see each other so you'll need to brace yourself for some travel there (just not all of your hols!)

I think the whole idea of "Who has the DUTY to visit" is rather unattractive.

I sense you dislike your ILs....is that true?

And them fantasising that you´ll visit, isn´t it nice, really? What "horrible" country are we talking about?

You are dissing your MILs home country, really. Can´t you see he is excited to get back, and would love for you and Dcs to visit???

We lived a 12 hour flight away from ILs for 8 years, and we visited once a year,a nd they visited us once a year. Yes, the trips were hard (you´re right on that one!)but it is so important for the DCs to have a good relationship with their grandparents, don´t you think??

I don't think it matters that much if kids do or don't have a good relationship with their grandparents. Mine do, but if they had all died when the kids were young (as happened to some of my friends who had kids late in life) I wouldn't feel they were short of people to love them and give them attention.
I think some people are more into how important grandparents/ cousins etc are than others.
If you visit people you visit because you want to see them, not because you feel a relationship is important or out of duty.
My relatives are all many hours away. When I visit it's because I miss them and want to see them. Often husband doesn't come because he doesn't miss them and gets less holiday than me. We both accept that other peoples relatives aren't as much fun to stay with as your own. He often sees his (nearer) relatives without me.
I suspect if his parents moved abroad he'd often visit them alone, although men are less into the visiting thing so he probably wouldn't bother unless he liked where they lived. His kids are old enough to decide for themselves about visiting relatives.

I think we are a more geographically fragmented society and the answer to that isn't to wear ourselves out travelling the globe, but to have lots of friends who live near us and communicate with family by phone or email.

hi
we want to emigrate in a few years time, we wont expect people to visit us but it would be nice, I'll probably visit here every now and again but my dh has already said he wont be coming back to this country at all. I dont think yabu to not want to visit, its your choice. Why dont you suggest a family holiday where its easy for both of you to meet ie a villa in france or something where you all get to have a proper holiday.

You don't like them much, do you? I don't think you are BU to not want to go every year, but never- is it Dafur they are moving to, then? What does your dh think? Do you think it might be nice for your children to have some understanding of their heritage?

Of course we WILL be visiting them - I am not that mean (actually just got back from visiting them which involved an 8 hour round trip in the car, 4 hours of which the baby yelled). So I am hardly the evil DIL .

And no, I do not find them easy. They are not easy people to like. MIL has lived here for 40 years and has not made one English friend and they are estranged from their (very nice) extended family. So no they would not be top of my list as holiday companions. DH is fed up with them and would be quite happy to let the relationship slide it is me that makes us make the effort as I feel sorry for them. I have made it very clear that they are always welcome to stay here - we have plenty of room and live in a place lots of people choose to visit on their holidays.

Just felt abit downhearted about MILs visions of summer holidays spent in a city it is a pain to get to rather than on a beach down the road. But hey ho I am sure we will work out a compromise. Meeting halfway somewhere might work. Thanks for the responses x

"DH is fed up with them and would be quite happy to let the relationship slide it is me that makes us make the effort as I feel sorry for them."

YABU to force your ILs on your husband and children. You should be keeping their interests in mind, not your ILs. They've made their bed.

If your ILs cared so much about keeping a close relationship with your children (and THEIR son), they wouldn't have moved so far away. We make choices and we live with them.

Don't visit them more than once a year (I'd do even less, but that's just me).

Do NOT let them make you feel guilty!

Agree you do sound a bit of a martyr. I'd be annoyed if I decided I didn't want to see much of my relatives and my husband kept arranging trips to see them. Just because you marry someone it doesn't mean you are entitled to take over their lives and organise their lives for them.
This really isn't your problem. Let your husband decide how often he WANTS to visit them.