to want to bite my son?

[smokinaces]

I am at my wits end.

DS2 is a biter. Mainly at nursery, though occasionally at home.

Hes been put on an action plan as it was up to 3-4 times a day.

Since then he's been better (even going for a couple of weeks with no incidents) but today was awful.

Normally he bites when toys are fought over etc. Today he leaned over to an innocent little girl (just started there yesterday) and bit her nose. So hard it drew blood, and her parents had to come.

I am so upset. I have tried everything - but how do you reason with a 20mo? How do you teach them not to bite?

I keep getting told to bite him so he sees how painful it is, and have always poo-poohed the idea. But after 4-5 months of this I am desperate.

AIBU to think of biting him in the hope it stops him? Ok, I know an eye for an eye isnt the way to go, but I am desperate for some ideas! The nursery are really trying but I keep thinking they're running out of patience and we'll be asked to leave

If you bite him, you're not teaching him how much it hurts. He doesn't have that sophisticated a level of reasoning - when Mum bites me, that's what it will feel like if I bite Jimmy and so I mustn't do it because it hurts - it's too big a stretch for a toddler. Instead, you're teaching him that actually biting is something adults do as well and so is acceptable.

Any decent nursery will ride it out - it's very very common, and every child outgrows it eventually. My DC4 was a horrific biter until he was pushing 3, and started to learn to control his temper a bit. Just be firm, be consistent, try to anticipate triggers and distract before it gets to biting. Keep communicating with the nursery - you both need to be doing the same things. It really will pass .

you're not teaching him how much it hurts others, I meant to say.

DON'T DO IT!!!!

You'll feel absolutely dreadful as soon as you do and it probably won't help.

Inflicting pain on a child to teach him that inflicting pain on others is wrong seems to me to be futile.

My DS (now 22mo) used to bite - I found that holding his shoulders and getting right in his face and saying 'NO!' worked after a few times, although it did startle and upset him a bit. I always picked him up afterwards and told him I loved him but NO BITING and he got the message quickly.

My mindee did the same, but what I did was give a firm "no", sit him down on the floor, hands placed on his legs, and turn my back on him to comfort victim. (or if I was victim, just turn my back) He did it three times, but never again. He realised he was socially excluded for the action.

Its worth a try?

Please don't bite him. I get the feeling you don't want too and whether it works or not is debatable. 20 months is so young. He isn't doing it to hurt someone. The first time he did it it got a reaction or gave him a feeling he liked and that could be partly why he has done it again.

lots of children bite. The nursery should know this and have ideas to deal with it.

Good luck.

i feel so sorry for you going through this! it sounds very distressing for you, My son goes to nursery too. I find my son learns very well from stories that i read to him, maybe you could find or make a book to explain to him what are nice things things to do and what are not nice to do and how it hurts others when we do them, i dont know if this helps but if it was my son i would definately try this as i think it would work for him if i read it every night and repeated it,

Goodluck! i hope this is resolved soon for you

Worked for me. Up to you whether you want to do it though.

I bit DS back once when he bit me, it has to be instant I think to work, i.e. there is no point biting him now if his biting incident was earlier in the day.

Thanks guys.

I think I might have a word with the nursery and see just how strict they are with him. I know they tell him off, and he has to say sorry - but I'm not sure they're as loud and firm as me at home (he rarely bites around me anymore)

I say "NO BITING" very firmly, whilst tapping his mouth with my finger. He then gets "excluded" - made to sit on the sofa or out the room whilst i make a fuss of whoever he bit. Its worked so far at home - I';m guessing where they cant remove him from the room at nursery, and cant leave children in time out alone its not 100% consistant. His nursery workers are very smiley people :-)

I chat to them every day, twice a day about everything. I have tried him taking toys in, his blanket, distractions, extra snacks. Nothing concrete sticks. But then again something must be having an impact for him to go from 3-4 bites daily to 1 a fortnight or so?

I might suggest a chair in the corner of the room he has to be removed to whenever he gets OTT, and segregated for a couple of minutes. (and ignored) bit like supernannies time out - maybe a bit harsh for a 20mo but I'd prefer that than him keep going the way he is.

Its a personal preference. I was in exactly the same situation as you and after six months of trying EVERYTHING i bit him once. Never did it again. EVER. I didnt feel great though and I prefer to try every alternative before resorting to physical punishment. I also agree with morloth that it has to be very close to the incident or it is just confusing.

daisychain, the book idea sounds great - he is a huge book fan and they use that as calm down time for him.

Anyone got any good kids books to learn about biting??!! Might have to google amazon....

I think that consistency in discipline is key, especially in something that has been going on a while and hasn't been resolved. Biting him won't work because his nursery workers won't do it.

I would suggest working with them to come up with something like was suggeted by Ruby's return. If you can even come up with an exact phrase eg 'It's not okay to bite. You hurt ***' and ask the nursery workers/any babysitters to say the same thing, it registers some level of recognition and pattern of disciplinne so that he knows it doesn't matter where he is, he will get the same telling off for this kind of behaviour.

prettyfly & morloth - thats where I struggle. When DS1 misbehaves at nursery (he spat yesterday) we can have a discussion about it later in the evening when I pick him up, and we chat about whats nice and nasty in bed etc and it makes a huge difference (he's 3.5). But DS2 is so little theres no point me scolding him when the Nannies tell me 3 hours later. If I were to bite I'd do it as soon as he had IYSWIM. Though he only really bites at nursery now so that makes it hard!

My aunt did it for one of my cousins. I think they didn't understand that biting hurt. After she'd done it a couple of times, it stopped. Though she did find it very hard to do, but her other children were getting hurt so it had to be addressed.

In which case there isn't really much point in biting him yourself. So you have your answer.

No idea how to deal with it at nursery as DS tried biting me first and found out that it wasn't a good idea so it never progressed from there.

Gracie, the nursery originially agreed with "NO BITING" and a finger on his mouth. Must check they are still doing this though, and not just saying "NO" or something different.

I just hate picking him up every evening - I'm on tenterhook till I walk through the door. Yesterday was a great day, and today was horrible and I hate picking him up

And tomorrow some other kid will have whacked him on the head with a truck or something.

Most kids go through these phases, as long as you are doing your best there isn't much else you can do.

smokinaces, you sound like you are dealing with it really well at home.
You do need to speak to the nursery to make sure they are disciplining him in the same way as you.
I had a mindee who was a ferocious biter and left entire teeth imprints on other children. Once me and his parents had sat down and worked out a plan together it stopped. And for the record - we did exactly what you have been doing at home.

Also, please don't beat yourself up about what people will think of your child. Any nursery worth it's weight, will know it is a perfectly normal phase for a toddler to go through - it's a frustrating time for little ones when they have lots of emotions, but very little speech in which to express themselves.

It won't last!

I think most (sensible) parents won't hold it against you.

My DS came home from nursery and wouldn't stop sucking my hand and then saying 'No no no no NO! No biting mummy!' Whilst wagging his finger in a very serious way.

I asked the nursery if he had bitten anyone and they laughed and said no, but he was getting bitten a lot by another kid whilst he was there. He had just seen them being told off, but it stuck, and he has never bitten me yet (fingers crossed).

I wasn't too concerned, and the odd bruise hasn't done him any damage. As I'm sure someone said earlier, he'll probably clock someone with a toy tractor next week, so I certainly wouldn't hold 'chops's behaviour against her mum.

My DS is/was a terrible biter.
It flared up over the summer, and basically I have found that instant reprimand, time out in buggy for 2 mins, extremely strict & no messing helped alot with his behaviour. Also, instead of biting him which I couldn't bring myself to do, I now shove his own hand into his mouth. (After saying "no biting, its nasty etc")
Now, when he bites me and I go for his hand to shove it in his mouth he instantly knows whats coming and says he doesn't want to bite and that he's sorry.

I narrowed it down to him doing it for 3 different reasons:
Frustration (I want it, he has it, give it to me now)
Anger (when he is being told off he will retaliate with it)
Affection (sometimes when we are cuddling he will do it)

Its mainly through affection when he does it now. But he still gets told off for it. He hasn't done it at nursery for a couple of months. Thank goodness. Nursery were very very supportive of me though. Hopefully the parents of the victims understood that it was just a phase and that lots of children go through it, and that he was being thoroughly reprimanded for it.

Good luck. x

bless you! I think as others say a raised voice and give the nursery firm permission to disclipine him , also maybe a little note to parents of bit little girl to apologise and let them know you are at wits end, as they are probably v upset and knowing how upset and angry you are will probably calm them down

ah toddlers eh....

amnd dont worry its very normal, not your fault

Good idea about the note to the parents porcamiseria.

I was thinking about notes, but theres the confidentiality side of it - we're not meant to know by names who the children bite, or who bit them. So they would have just been told "a boy bit" not "smokinaces son bit". Not sure if notes would be against the company policy?

Let me share something my mum did when I was small. I still remember it like day. I would have been about three I think, so, a bit older than your boy. I bit my Mum, and she said "only dogs bite, so you can be a dog!" and put me outside the door with the dogs bowl! I never bit again and I'll remember that forever.

ha ha ha Kiwi! That would so work for DS1 who's 3 - but DS2 would probably just love that!