Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

we eloped after 19 years together.

27 replies

pippylongstockings · 24/11/2009 15:04

I am fuming today after a long discussion via text with my best friend.
My DP and I eloped at the weekend - it was my 40th birthday and we have ben together 19 years. We told no-one until we did it. Everyone has been very happy for us, said it suited us to do it this way. We have very little money and just wanted it to be for ourselves.
I rang my BF when we got back and she was happy enough on the phone but her husband refused to speak to me - saying clearly to her 'I heard what they have done - I don't want to speak to them anymore!'

So today I jokingly texted her to say is he still in a sulk? And I got a reply that he was sad for her that she has missed out on her best friends most memorable, joyous, happy, wonderful, loving, surreal once in a lifetime wedding.

I said sorry you feel that way, nothing to be sad about it was our wedding our way & we wanted a low key 7minute deal.

She texted 'It just hurts and always will'

Several text's back and forth later have ended with her telling me that I should care not about what people think and that there is nothing to be happy about if there was no meaning behind the wedding. And with me saying she needs to deal with her feelings herself and not lay blame at my door.

Surely part of being a friend is knowing when to leave things un-said. If she feels upset with me then talk it over with her husband and moan behind my back. Making my wedding about her feelings is just being very intoverted.

I got married, not in the way she wanted but how I wanted AIBU ?

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 24/11/2009 15:27

Hmmm...I think her husband's reaction is a bit OTT but at the same time I can understand why he feels hurt.

BenignNeglect · 24/11/2009 15:30

YANBU. Getting married is something you do as a couple and should be done in the way you want to do it.

deaddei · 24/11/2009 15:31

Why do people want to live their own lives through other peoples weddings? Arses, the pair of them.
Big congrats to you both- I wish I'd done the same thing.
Hope you'll be very happy.

groundhogs · 24/11/2009 15:32

Oh FGS! She's joking right? Silly Cow (her!)

It's your wedding, and your life, if she can't be happy for you, then I'd do some serious friend re-evaluation...

A decent friend would do the following:

  1. be delighted for you
  2. At least ask if you were planning to have a belated party to celebrate it anyway...
  3. if disappointed that there was no knees up, frigging well arrange a surprise party for you anyway....

FFS, she needs to seriously GET OVER HERSELF!

Congratulations BTW!!! Well done!

ScarlettCrossbones · 24/11/2009 15:33

YANBU. Why on earth should you get married the way someone else wants you to? Congratulations.

AMumInScotland · 24/11/2009 15:33

If absolutely no-one else was involved (just you and DP) then I don't see what she has to be upset about. If you'd invited a small number of people, and excluded her, then that would be hurtful. To marry without any guests, just because you want to, isn't about her, and she needs to get over it.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 24/11/2009 15:33

Making your wedding about her feelings is not introverted, it's self centred in the extreme. I think that's bizarre. If you'd had a big wedding with all the trappings and invited everyone BUT your friend, then I could understand her being annoyed. But it is very childish of her not to be able to accept that you just wanted to get married without anyone there and without the whole caboodle.
Also her raising this by text is childish too. Can't she articulate enough to speak to you?

PuppyMonkey · 24/11/2009 15:34

Pippy, I suspect that me and my DP will do exactly the same as you one day (we've been together 15 years, so we've time yet), so I totally know where you're coming from. How dare your mates put you down for doing what YOU wanted to do. For all they know, you might have had a local wedding and not invited them. Very presumptious.

I'd leave it a while and they'll get over it.

"Hurt." The big wuss.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 24/11/2009 15:34

Congratulations.
YAsoooNBU. Your wedding your way.
I can understand why she is hurt but you're right it is one of those things that should be left un-said. I could imagine feeling a bit hurt but not to the point I would try and make you feel bad for doing it the way you did it.

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 24/11/2009 15:34

Congratulations!!

YANBU- yes, she has the right to feel sad she missed seeing you get married, but trying to pull a guilt trip on you is way out of order.

"nothing to be happy about if there is no meaning behind the wedding"?? What does she mean? Surely the meaning is about you and your dh showing a commitment to each other.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 24/11/2009 15:35

Why text? The quickest way to misunderstanding IMO.

Pick up the phone woman and nip your BF hustrionics in the bud!

YANBU to get married the way you want - only your and your DH's business (Congratulations! )

But, YABU to have a discussion of this nature by text!

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 24/11/2009 15:37

YANBU. You do not get married to please your friend.

We were going to get married abroad, we did not for various reasons and DHs best friend was furious with him as it meant he would be unlikely able to come. (it was nothing to do with him why we did not). Now, several years on, he and his own DP are planning a wedding abroad. Oh the irony!

I personally think it sounds romantic. CONGRATULATIONS by the way!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 24/11/2009 15:37

hustrionics? I think I just made that up. Meant histrionics!

mistletoekisses · 24/11/2009 15:38

YANBU

DH and I eloped; we told bf's / immediate family before we went. I then had my ear bent by my bf's mother for well over an hour, about how hurt my bf was by my decision and how I would regret eloping for years to come. She had me in tears afterwards.(My BF was mortified that her mother did that)

Years later, I dont regret my decision and my bf and I are absolutely fine. I can totally understand why she felt the way she did; but IMO your friend needs to get over it and be happy for you. A wedding day is about the people getting married and if what you did suited you and you are happy, then that really should be good enough for her. She just cant see that right now. Let the dust settle and I am sure she will be fine.

Can you perhaps invite them over for dinner/ do a little special celebration?

OrmIrian · 24/11/2009 15:41

Many many congratulations!

She's just hurt to have missed your big day but should have sucked it up. Give her a ring and talk to her. Tell her you're sorry she was disappointed to have missed it and I'm sure she will calm down.

Shineynewthings · 24/11/2009 15:45

I think you are being slightly unreasonable. But only slightly.

She is an adult and knows what marriage is about.

It was your day, your moment, and you have the right to do it as you pleased.

BUT she is supposedly your best friend, and that means different things to different people. For her it might have meant sharing important life-changing things with each other. Now you haven't included her in your most important day, maybe she's reasessing what best friend means?

Like for her best friend means you would have included her. Whereas for you it means supporting your choices and point of view.

She can't get her head around why a best friend wouldn't have shared something so important, and cannot see how it could be meaningful without loved ones there to share it with.

I can see where your both coming from, but I think you should be understanding and acknowledge that you've hurt her feelings.

PuppyMonkey · 24/11/2009 15:50

That's total bollocks about it not being meaningful without loved ones there though. The only people it needs to have a "meaning" for are the bride and groom - and they're happy with what they did and how they did it.

She's probably just annoyed about missing out on the piss up.

Vivia · 24/11/2009 16:18

I have just done the same as you, OP. The only person to act like your friend was my new MIL who is rather poisonous. My DH said 'I'm not taking that bitter, selfish attitude from my mother - you wouldn't take it from a friend, why take it from her?'. That's key - a true, great friend revels in your happiness, they do not detract from it and project their own desires. Certainly, they may have wanted to share the occasion with you but the big picture is that you are happy and they should be delighted for you. There's no grey area: couples marry for love not to please others.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 24/11/2009 20:06

We only told the two people who were witnesses, they were old friends from the city where we used to live. My mum said it suited us the way we did it.

I have now spoken to my BF and she feels I should be flattered not angry that she is so upset about this!!!
That going to our wedding would be a nice thing in her otherwise shite life......

That said she is my friend so I will deal with it and move on but can not forget how selfish she has been. This is not the first time her and hubby have acted like this over other peoples lives.

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 24/11/2009 20:10

Congratulations!

Text rows/conversations always end up in tears. Meet her for a glass of wine and sort it out. My BF eloped (very much the same reasons as you) and I was happy for them but so gutted to miss out on a party! Selfish but true. I didn't tell her though.

InMyLittleHead · 24/11/2009 20:10

YANBU. She needs to grow up. I hate people who think others' lives are there just for their amusement/satisfaction. It was your wedding, nothing to do with her.

Carrotfly · 24/11/2009 20:15

Congratulations !

We eloped many moons ago and got the same reaction from some friends and family. Others on the other hand were great.

Its hard at the time, but i can assure you both you and them will forget about it.

My mum is the only one that ever remembers my anniversary tho ....

radstar · 24/11/2009 20:17

yanbu - she is being incredibly unreasonable, selfish and self centred especially if no one else was invited and (imho of course) not much of a friend. She should have been really happy for you and even if a little hurt not make a big deal out of it, it would be different if there had been others there.

I take my hat off to you, we were going to do the same after 13 years but chickened out and are having parents only. I was worried about people being offended about not getting "a big do" but so far everyone has been really lovely and I am surprised how most people say "oh I wish had done that..."

So congratulations and although it will probably change your friendship with her, don't let it spoil your memories of YOUR day.

oh and as for you should be flattered, words fail me....

mazzystartled · 24/11/2009 20:23

yanbu

i think what you did was incredibly romantic

i think she and her husaband have talked themselves into a huff - how totally self-absorbed of them. are they usually taken to being drama queens?

KimiTheThreadSlayer · 24/11/2009 20:28

Congratulations
Your friend is being a bitch,

Swipe left for the next trending thread