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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to stay over night at ILs on Christmas..

43 replies

PrammyMammy · 24/11/2009 00:08

I might be but here are my reasons against it -
We live 30odd miles away from them and do not drive. A taxi on a normal day costs £60 and there is no public transport on Christmas day. IL's will be drinking so can't drive us.
There is no beds for us there and we have 2 dc.
Our dd will have just turned 3 months on the 20th Dec.
We have a dog, who also has nowhere to sleep.
DPs cousin and her young family will be there - they hate dogs and shoo ours away and get the hand gel out if she dares sniff their pfb.
Our dd will only be 3 months and i would like to spend our first christmas together in our own home, not all day, i don't mind dinner, but this visit will last all day and night.
We have a 2 year old, who will get to open his toys in the am and then not get to play with them until the next day.
We can not affort that £60 (or more as that is what it is on normal days) at christmas.
DP is working on boxing day so we would need to get home before 9am, and there is no transport on boxing day, so if mil was still rough we would need a taxi.
MIL and i don't see eye to eye for various reasons and i can't think of anything worse than spending time with her drunk while looking after a 2 year old and trying to bf a 3 month old in a house that i need to leave the room to do so.

And reasons for it.

DP wants to spend christmas with his family.
We ate dinner at my parents last year. (they ran us home and we didn't stay over)
His uncle died in January so it will be his aunts first year without her dh and his mums first year without her db.
They want all the family to be there.
I would like dc's to see their gp's at Christmas (both sets)

I have tried to explain that if we could have dinner and come home i wouldn't mind BUT i dont want to be sleeping on matress on the floor. I don't want to leave the room to feet dd. But DP doesn't mind any of this and says we can spare the taxi fare as it is important to him to be with his family at christmas.
Am i being selfish, should i just suck it up and go?

OP posts:

Dominique07 · 24/11/2009 00:15

Urgh! I've been there and, maybe you should just do it and look forward to 'your' Christmas next year.
Can you not wear a big shawl and cover baby to breastfeed? You don't want to do everything they want or they'll ask you again next year!
Can you get DP to try to sort things out, if his Dad is more helpful, to make sure you all have somewhere comfy to sleep and a definite ride home in the morning?

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 24/11/2009 00:24

Last time we had to stay over, they gave us a matress, a single matress, in his sisters room (who has a double bed) on the floor, I was about 6 months pg, so not huge but quite big, needless to say dp got the floor.
That is what i am thinking.. maybe we should go and that will be us doing our bit and it will hopefully save us for the next couple of years lol. But, i would quite like to take the dcs to visit my own elderly granny too, (aswell as my parents of course).
I suggested that his parents - who drive, could come here for lunch, but that isn't goodenough for anyone.

OP posts:

Dominique07 · 24/11/2009 00:33

stubborn people! Well, all I can say is, at least your LO is so young they're not expecting too much from the day, and if you come bursting in, 2 kids, 1 dog, breastfeeding and taking over the day, maybe they wont invite you back for a good few years! And you'll be able to ask GPs to come visit you next time.
Its a shame you don't have a car because then you could just escape leave at the end of the day.
Just try to enjoy, and make sure to make use of the family, you know; could i get a glass of juice please, while i bf, could you pass me a mince pie, DC is asleep on my lap...

sb6699 · 24/11/2009 00:45

Normally I would say that if you had Christmas at your parents last year then you need to suck it up and go to his parents this year - but it does sound as if things are going to be a bit difficult with the sleeping arrangements, drunken IL's, very ickle baby.

If you're thinking you might need to get a taxi in the morning anyway, could you not just leave in the evening? I know its alot of money but might just be worth it

Lexilicious · 24/11/2009 00:49

you don't have a car of your own but can either of you drive? if you hired a car for 24 hours or for 24th/25th it might cost about the same as the taxi fare that your DP says you can 'spare', and you'd have the freedom to leave when you wanted to.

the rest I think you can present as 'not wanting to impose on you dear ILs'. Apart from the breastfeeding, where you definitely should impose some 21st century on them.

Fruitysunshine · 24/11/2009 00:56

It does sound like an awful lot for you to cope with in such a short space of time.

I think the car hire is a good idea if one of you can drive. You can get a fiesta or something similar for around £20 for 24hrs.

It is your baby's first christmas and even if you did spend christmas last year with your family your wishes still have to be taken into consideration.

I would find a compromise that allows your husband to see his family and for you all to sleep in your own beds that evening.

When we invite people to stay over and we are short of bedspace we give our bed up to our guests. Why invite somebody to sleep over then let them sleep on the floor? Makes no sense to me.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 24/11/2009 01:05

They sound gastly. YANBU to not want to go.

Hire car sounds good. As a rule: Always have your get-away planned.

Never more true than at Xmas.

RobynLou · 24/11/2009 03:02

they sound awful.
as for the bf-ing, i'd just do it, I never knew whether anyone wanted me to leave because I never asked, just did...
I think your dh is being unreasonable, they should come to you.

Bathsheba · 24/11/2009 04:02

I agree with the others who suggest car hire - it might be expensive over the christmas period but no more than a taxi both ways would be.

It sounds like a nightmare having to take 2 such young children never mind when you then start factoring an (unwelcome) dog into the equation.....

Serennos · 24/11/2009 09:33

I don't suppose there's a chance that DP's cousin could run you back home, is there?

posieparker · 24/11/2009 09:41

Do you or dp drive? What about going on someone else's insurance?

diddl · 24/11/2009 09:50

TBH, if your husband is working the next day, I would say that it´s acceptable to say it doesn´t work and that´s it.

See them next year.

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 24/11/2009 11:33

Thank you all. No none of us drive, so we couldn't hire a car unfortunately.
I have offered to do a christmas lunch and they can come to us, but that was turned down because his uncle died and we need to be there. It sounds selfish, but my dad lost both his parents this year, both my grandparents, and i am not saying
" No we must do it as i say because someone in my family died" It just seems like total emotional blackmail, but i could be overreacting.
DP called his parents last night, they want us there from 3 onwards and said they would like us to stay so they can haver proper christmas with gc's. For us to get there at 3, we will need to leave at 2, and take travel cot, moses basket, presents, nappies and all that stuff plus 2 car seat in a taxi, and it is my idea of a total nightmare. I feel like such a humbug lol. I think i'll just book the taxi's in advance, for about 8 to come home and hopefully by booking in advance we et a discount or something. Does that sound like a fair compromise?

OP posts:

diddl · 24/11/2009 11:37

I think you are being very generous tbh.

I know I´ll sound awful but I don´t really "get" the uncle dying bit.

His widow won´t be alone which is the main thin.

Do they usually all get ogether like this?

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 24/11/2009 11:46

Diddl, i am glad i am not the only one who doesn't understand it, i feel like it is being used as away for them to get what they want really, and that does sound terrible. My gran died just 2 months ago, and my dad hasn't said to me that we all must go there because of that.
Usually my il's and the aunt and uncle spend christmas together, as their children are all up and gone, one stays in england with her own young family and the other is about the same distance as us away on the other side.
Dp's sister is only 19 and still living with her parents, but i know last year she ate dinner then went out.

OP posts:

FimbleHobbs · 24/11/2009 12:08

I only do one set of GP's per day at christmas - we take it in annual turns to see 'my' family or DHs family.

I would go, cheerfully, and get a taxi home later that evening. One day you will want to spend £60 on something your DP thinks is a waste of money

mistletoekisses · 24/11/2009 12:31

OP - feel for you, I really do. But I have to say that I think you need to go this year. It is one day, one night - and it is something your DP feels very strongly about.

He will never hear the end of it if you dont fgo, and you may not either.

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 24/11/2009 12:46

i like your thinking fimble!

OP posts:

NaccetyMac · 24/11/2009 12:50

WRT the BF, I generally find that people who are really uncomfortable can leave the room just as well as you can. Get your boobs out.

WRT the rest, last year I was heavily pg at Xmas, I just point blank refused to stay! If you can't pull rank when pg or BF, when can you!

Hope it all works out well. x

(PS, my PIL are coming to stay for 2 WEEKS over xmas. Argh. And I can't even have gin.)

diddl · 24/11/2009 12:50

I did just have another thought-pehaps they particularly want to see the children since they didn´t last year?

And if the are enough young children it might take their mind off things?

Are they expecting though that in future it will be every other Christmas with them?

Would you be happy wit this or do you also want a Christmas with just the 4 of you?

clam · 24/11/2009 12:54

Good of your DH "not to mind" about you leaving the room to BF!

Agree with NaccetyMac. If anyone esle is uncomfortable with it, then they can go and sit in another room on their own.

thedollshouse · 24/11/2009 12:56

I wouldn't even consider staying there. I find it very unreasonable when people make demands on others. Your mil wants all her family there but you want to stay at home with your family. Why should your mils wishes come before yours?

LoveBeingAMummy · 24/11/2009 12:58

I would go but not stay over. If you dp wants to go and you all went to your families last xmas then why shouldn't he get xmas at his?

Think of it this way, if they piss your dp off enough you might never have to go again

NancyBotwin · 24/11/2009 12:59

Why can't one of ILs or the aunt or cousin come to get you on Christmas Day? That way you would only have to fork out for the taxi home. Obv you may have to go over there a bit earlier to accommodate them.....

I have to say Christmas is the one time I am glad I don't live in the same country as my or dh's family! no dilemmas like this to deal with!

bigchris · 24/11/2009 13:02

do taxi drivers work on xmas day then?

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