Being friends with the non- mistress

[SomeoneElseToo]

My father had a secret friendship with the next door neighbour while my mother was working abroad for four years. My mother found emails, credit card receipts from restaurants etc that brought their friendship in to the open.

At the same time, my sister and I have befriended this woman whenever we visited my father and she has made great efforts to be our friends.

My mother is back home now, and insists that my father is in love with the other woman and that she is 'evil' for going after a married man, yet both my father and the other woman insist that they are only friends. (Although she refused to be my mom's friend, even when my mom was on home visits etc. She plainly avoided both my mom and dad when my mom was around and told my mom she should allow her husband his privacy)

I can understand why mom feels as she does, I mean, my dad's never taken HER to fancy restaurants, and certainly not two or three times in a week!

Now my mother is insisting that we have no contact with the 'other woman', who tried to wreck her marriage, and I'm having a hard time with that. I'm not especially close with the other woman, but don't like that I am being told who to be friends with. I mean I'm 30 and live in a different country to them all!

I have asked my dad and the other woman if there was a relationship, and they've both said no, so it is just the 'evidence' that we have to go on, i.e. receipts etc, but if there was no adultery, I see no reason to write the other woman off, despite my mom's feelings.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

Why did your mother go abroad to work for four years and did she really expect your father not to seek out other female company while she did so?

I wouldn't get involved in your parents' marriage, or expect anyone to tell you the truthy if you ask them if they're shagging- it's not really your business. Stay out of it, and say you're not getting involved.

as tricky as it is this is private and betweeen them.the complexities of daughter involved in parental love triangle are mind boggling

don't take side,stay out of this debacle

I posted a message and it completely dissappeared

Anyway it wwent something like this: If you live in another country how much contact do you have with the other woman anyway, I don't understand why you are anoyed

My father and mother made the joint decision for her to take the job, as it was for a set time and they've still spent a few months every year together. He infact strongly encouraged her to go as it would help them a lot (financially) in the future.

I haven't really had much choice but to get involved as my mother hasn't made many (if any) friends in the new country due to the nature of her work (working with minority groups in remote areas) and she hasn't had anyone to talk to other than me, not even my sister.

My question isn't really about them, their marriage, it's about the so called 'other woman'. She emails me twice a week and is a really possitive, happy person, she also calls my sister weekly, but I'm not that close to her that she'd call me.

I'm confused cause my mom keeps asking if I've still got contact with her, as she's convinced she's trying to be friends with the 'kids' so that we'll accept her (non)relationship with our dad. I don't want to lie to my mom, but don't see the need to end the the email contact.

YABU.And tbh you seem a bit petulant. You want to maintain contact with this woman, although her friendship doesn't really mean that much to you, just because your mum asked you not to ?

Your mum has been slogging away working for future financial security while your dad wines and dines the neighbour a few times a week and insists they are just good friends.

The neighbour, lets call her the other woman for clarity here, is making a big effort to establish a relationship with you and your sister but none with your mother.

Yes your parent's marriage is their own business but there is a good chance you are being manipulated by this neighbour who is establishing a relationship with you and your sister to inveigle her way into your parent's marriage. And that is your business.

Your mum has very reasonable grounds for her suspicions and is probably very hurt that you are in contact with this woman who is threatening her marriage. Put some empathy shoes on, she's your mom. That's reason enough to end this contact.

OP, you sound really rather strange

What elliephant said, absolutely. I can't believe you're thinking about taking the side of some woman (however nice) over your own mother.

Oh for God's sake. If you truly aren't trolling, then no, don't pal up to your father's bit on the side (and yes, she is that whether they're actually fucking, or just holding hands), for all the reasons elliephant adumbrates, and no, I can't say your mother is being anything other than wholly justified in her annoyance that her daughter hasn't the sense she was born with. And if you really need to post on a MN thread to work that one out, you're frankly rather simple.

Whether they had sex or not, of course there was a relationship. But in any case I agree with BOF, keep out of it.

Your poor mother, effectively being replaced while she was away earning the cash. Not only by your father, but to a lesser extent by her children, too.

YAB very bloody U

agree with elliephant all the way. How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot.

Can't believe you need to ask other peoples opinion really.

My dad did have an affair when i was a teenager and as an adult i can now see why but i still feel fiercely protective of my mother. Don't you feel gutted for yours?

Blimey

Don't you like your mother or something?

Thanks all for your honest answers. You might not understand my confusion in the matter, but it's been 'ongoing' for two years now, and I've been going round and round and round it in my head for so long, I don't even know who's telling the truth anymore. My sister is much closer with this woman (and has been for longer than we've known the details) and is asking me for advice, so I'm in a tough place. Specially since the other woman and my dad have never wavered from their story, not even a little, not once, yet my mom tends to exagerate and assume things.

If someone else had posted the same thing, just wanting an outside, unbiased opinion, I'd probably also think it was a no brainer. Unfortunately I'm in the middle of it, and it's not always clear. If anything, I think it's my dad that needs punishing, not this woman.

Maybe you should ring your dad and speak to him. let him know he is putting you in a situation you're not happy with. Tell him to get it sorted.

Do YOUR friends actively seek out your parents, and try to be friends with them? If they did, wouldn't you think its weird? My mum has friends that I have known for years, and they certainly don't ring/ email me.

Whether there was insertion or not, this was an affair - the woman is being manipulative, and whilst you don't need to hate her, she doesn't really need to be a part of your life.

Yes to what purpleduck said.

You don't have to have penetration for it to be an affair.

I'm sorry, but why have sympathy for this woman? She knows he's married, yet goes out for dinner several times a week, is inserting herself into his daughter's lives, yet refuses to be friends with his wife. Oh yes - and the friendship was initially secret.

She's taking over your mother's life, or trying to. You realise the one person in this family she is blocking, as opposed to trying to become close to, is your mother? Either she is in love with your father or she has extremely serious psychiatric problems.

My DH ever does this, he'll be welcome to any such new woman. He certainly won't be welcome with me.

(Sorry to assume you were trolling. It just sounded so like one, tbh - that level of "what on earth are you doing, woman!" You needed the opening Fruit Shoots reference, I think.)

OP, there is a good chance you, and your sister, are being manipulated by both your dad and his, ahem, friend.They want you and your sister on their side.
Can I ask you if anyone suggested that you were old enough to decide who your friends are yourself, or was that idea planted in your head?

Also you make the point that your mum often exaggerates or assumes things. I would suggest you read the relationships board. It's full of women who felt or were told that they were being paranoid or exaggerating things when their instincts were screaming that something was going on. Perhaps your mum is one of those.

The finer details of what defines this extra marital relationship doesn't really matter.
Your dad, by hiding, justifying and continuing his relationship with his neighbour, has placed her above his wife, your mum. .Please don't do the same. You would not be 'punishing' this woman, or indeed your dad, by not contacting her, you would be respecting your mom.

So your Mum went to work abroad to help financially and your Dad took his neighbour out and spent the money on her? And he's never taken your Mum to these sort of places? And you think there's no affair going on? Sheesh.

Perfectstorm - I have no idea what trolling is, so didn't take offence, don't worry.

I know the situation sounds rediculous, but I hate being mean and confrontational, and this whole damned thing is so unbelievable. I never ever ever thought my dad capable, and I feel like I'm the one who has to hold the family together - yet again, but that's a different story.

Purpleduck - I hadn't thought about it that way (your first paragraph) and its a valid point. Thank you

Trolling is when people online invent situations they think will make people angry/upset, to enjoy the reaction.

Sorry, but if this isn't an affair in which the victim is being made to feel like the crazy untrusting hysteric, I'm a giraffe called Erica. There is nothing innocent about secretly wining and dining someone who refuses to have anything to do with your wife, while simultaneously effusively oozing all over your kids. Telling your mother she isn't respecting your father by objecting is the final insult on top of serious injury. Your mother has my sympathy in total, here. I think you need to post on the relationships section - you won't find many willing to agree with your father that your mother isn't absolutely justified in her hurt and anger. I know this woman will be telling him in great detail that he is just so special and witty and marvellous, and that your mother just doesn't appreciate him, but really, he is not such a catch your mother should make like he's 19th century royalty and meekly keep her mouth shut while he humiliates her, and prioritises someone who blanks her while kissing up to her kids. I am hoping like mad she meets a glam toyboy, and tells your dad he's welcome to the bunnyboiler. Which she is - not necessarily for the affair, which is mainly your dad's fault, but for the campaign to win you two over, which is theirs, jointly.

In fact I suggest you link your Mum to Mumsnet. She could do with the support, and trust me, if she posted this up on Relationships and she would get it.

Elliephant - yeah. It was because I was suspecting this manipulation that I emailed her this weekend and asked if she, at least, could tell me the truth.

The reason it's difficult is because it feels like it's not a 'choice' between this woman and my mom (there'd be no contest) so much as a choice between my mom and dad.

And to most its an obvious choice with how he's acted, but my dad has been there to protect me all my life. When my mom kicked me out at age 11, he found me and took me home. When I left an abusive spouse and my mom blamed me, he stood up for me and prepared my room back home for me. And so on and so forth. So yeah.

But I agree with what you say about respecting my mom. I think you're right. And I'm scared I'll lose my dad over it.

Anyway - I'm sorry - I guess this isn't the place for 'Dear Abbi' type stuff. I have a month old baby and somehow I've had no baby blues or anything, yet today I could hardly get out of bed. I actually feel that depressed/upset by all this.

Thanks for all your imput.

or input, even