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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to book into a hotel for 2 nights ...

42 replies

LastStraw · 23/11/2009 18:50

Here's the story. I admit that I've namechanged for this.

My DS is 7mo. Since he was born, the longest stretch of continuous sleep I've had is 2 hours. He wakes up several times at night (at least 5 times between the hours of 9pm and 7am) and naps for no more than 1.5 hours during the day since he was 1mo. No, turning 3mo didn't help, nor has weaning, nor has formula. I finally moved him into our bed as getting up to traipse back and forth between our room and his nursery to breastfeed him just got too difficult. I'm completely exhausted and my H knows this. He works in a job which, by his own admission, isn't demanding at all. He also goes to the gym every morning before work. He has taken DS off my hands on a number of mornings so I can have an uninterrupted 40 mins or so of sleep and has skipped out on the gym (after much sighing and general faffing).

Last night, I got DS into bed at 7.15PM and figured he would sleep for at least 3 hours, thus giving me time to get on with a backload of housework. In fact, he woke up at 7:50PM and didn't fall asleep until 10:45PM, during which time he cried constantly. My H helped me try to settle him from 7:50 till 8:30, during which time I was doing the laundry, washing up etc. H gave up, and I took over, finally getting him to sleep at 10:45. During that time, I had to ask H to sort out our filthy bedding by changing the linen which I'd washed and dried earlier.

After DS finally fell asleep, I started running around, doing the ironing, more washing up, cleaning the floors, folding clean laundry. I hadn't had anything to eat since 12 noon earlier that day. My H sat around surfing porn the internet and finally got up to go to bed at 11:50PM. Not once did he ask if I needed help with anything or make any attempt to put away laundry, dishes etc.

I finally grabbed some dinner at midnight and got into bed for 1AM, only for DS to wake up at 1:30, 3:30, 5 and finally 6:30. I had a total of 2 hours sleep the entire night. At 6:50, H took DS to change his night nappy and, despite knowing what a rough night I'd had, got ready to go to the gym. A few choice swear words were thrown at him and he finally slammed out the door at 7.

I don't have any family nearby (both parents are dead, his only living parent is across the Pond). I have had DS spending 3 hours a day at a childminder's, but most of that time is taken up with housework, preparing "lunch" (breakfast, more like!), having a chance to go to the loo, pumping breastmilk etc, so much so that it's over so quickly and I've barely had time to catch my breath.

Given that, in 7 months (actually, make that 9 months, considering the numerous toilet breaks I woke up to in my final 2 months of pregnancy), the longest stretch of continuous sleep I've had is 2 hours, AIBU to book into a hotel for the next two nights and let H deal with DS so he knows just how little sleep/rest I get and can perhaps alter his lifestyle to suit the fact that we (not I, WE) now have a demanding baby? DS is breastfed but will accept formula (from anyone other than me!). I'm barely getting by, have developed RSI from having to carry DS round a lot of the time (he's rather clingy!) and now have a constant physical twitch in my left eye (this usually happens when I've had very little sleep). I don't think asking him to forgo the gym, at least until DS sleeps better at night, is that much of a hardship - his view, however, is that he will not stop going to the gym. Then again, any rational thinking skills I once possessed have probably been flung out of the window by sheer exhaustion.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
izzybiz · 23/11/2009 18:55

YANBU, I have been sleep deprived with my children in the past, Ds2 isn't brilliant now, but I do have a slightly more supportive Dh.

He does do lots of his own things, but when he's here he will do his share, especially if I'm snarling through lack of sleep!

Sit Dh down, explain that you are close to breaking point and tell him what you need to do. Good luck.

BitOfFun · 23/11/2009 18:56

You do need some rest, so no, YANBU.

But you also need to cut WAAAAAY back on your housework if you want to stay sane. Husband should be doing more if it bothers him. He is entitled to go to the gym, but perhaps could cut back a little to give you a lie in some mornings?

mummygirl · 23/11/2009 18:56

YANBU at all. Do it. I'm glad he's not my DH. Actually, he's probably glad he's not my DH because he would now be looking for his balls down the toilet.
I can't believe you have tolerated this for so long. You BOTH have a baby, he should be doing at least half the night feeds, not to mention housework. Do it girl, you well deserve it.

mummygirl · 23/11/2009 18:58

BTW, he's not the only one entitled to have hobbies. You have to demand time away from the baby in order to pursue (sp?) your own interests.

mummygirl · 23/11/2009 18:59

"entitled to having hobbies" obviously

PrincessToadstool · 23/11/2009 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QandA · 23/11/2009 19:01

YANBU to want it, but you and your H need to work this out, otherwise it may be more than 2 nights in a hotel you will want to stay away from him for. Your H sounds like he is being selfish and not responding to yours or your baby's needs.

At the weekend, you should have one morning to stay in bed and 1 morning for your H to go to the gym. Sounds like your H thinks the baby is all your responsibility and he can continue however he wants.

Be firm and don't let him continue walking all over you like this. You deserve a break. If nothing changes then yes, have a break, you sound like you so need it.

monkeyfacegrace · 23/11/2009 19:02

ou go irls,Im through a bottleof red and am slightly pissed, but my 10mnth old sleeps 5.30pm-8am so all good, but if he did what yours does Id be gone to a hotel with a spa and a hairdressesrs and I wouldnt comemback for alonnnnnnnnnng time! Good luck sweet, you sound like you are dopinf great.

QandA · 23/11/2009 19:03

Also, leave the house and use your 3 hours to sleep, nothing else. Sleep is the most important thing and having those 3 hours with the childminder is honestly a treat you can't afford to waste on housework.

Hassled · 23/11/2009 19:04

I think you need at least one night apart. Just do it. Book it now, on line, for tomorrow night. And BOF is right re the housework - just let it go to pot. Nothing really needs ironing - if it does, don't wear it. And you may well find that a night without you is enough to break the waking habit of your DS.

mummygirl · 23/11/2009 19:04

ok, monkeyface, you're obviously pissed, good on you, but 5.30pm -8am????? you're winding us all up, right?

Morloth · 23/11/2009 19:04

YANBU, but you need to forget about the housework for a while.

Do one hour everyday. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done.

Also, just leave everything else off and eat.

Lower your standards, your life will be easier.

TrinityRhino · 23/11/2009 19:04

yanbu I would love to

I haven't a stretch of more than 3 hours at a time in 4 years

dd2 wasn't sleeping through when I had dd3

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2009 19:07

i thought i had it bad
you poor thing

monkeyfacegrace · 23/11/2009 19:11

Hell no Im not joking, my two (10mnth and 3) nboth go to bd at 5.30pm (sometimes 6-7 ion the summer when its lighter), but in the winter they have been taught dark= bedtime light= get up. So at half 5 they go to bed with my 3 yr old declaring that she will look after baby, then at 8ish I hear 'mummy mummy its lighyt and sunny so get up' and I go and get them. Havent had a sleepless night since youngest was 6 weeksish, but fo those 6 weeks of waking up every 4 hours I almost DIED so I o appreciete how hard it is. Fuck, Ive really had too much wine!

Vivia · 23/11/2009 19:14

Go to the hotel, definitely. Talking clearly isn't working with your H. And show your H this thread. His behaviour is appalling - the baby is his responsibility!

PrincessToadstool · 23/11/2009 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummygirl · 23/11/2009 19:15

yeah you did, but so what, you're good for another 11 hours.

my first two will sleep for england, I always assumed it was down to my great parenting abilities . Then DS2 arrived and showed both DH and me that it's perfeclty possible to live without sleep if you have to.... of course we both hallucinate a lot, but it makes for a happier marriage

Vallhala · 23/11/2009 19:17

YANBU at all. My DD2 was exactly the same until she was 16 months old (I also had DD1 who was just 19 mo when DD2 was born) and my sleep pattern like yours. Sadly, my DH did sweet FA except leave the house like a pigsty and be abusive.

Had I had the money I would have booked that hotel. In fact, I very much hope that you're doing that right now because you don't only deserve the break, you need it.

As I didn't have the money to escape, I bided my time.... and then divorced the bastard! You really don't want it to come to that I'm sure, so take that break instead.

Cadmum · 23/11/2009 19:32

I can fully understand why you need sleep and how appealing a few nights in a hotel might seem but when you get home, it will all still be the same (only less tidy) as when you left.

Would you actually be able to sleep or would you just worry about your ds the whole time?

I think that you need to make your dh understand that it is not bearable any longer and find a solution together.

I am certainly not a sleep expert because dd2 is 3 1/2 and did not sleep for longer than 3 hours at a stretch until September... She was exclusively breast-fed and I was a sahm so I felt unable to get dh to help parent her at night. He certainly carried his weight around the house though.

I hope you find an amicable solution.

Bubbaluv · 23/11/2009 20:35

At 7 months your baby doesn't need night feeds, so if I were you I would simply stop them. Feeding them when they cry really does just feed the habit - stopping may not completely fix the problem but I'm betting it would inprove the situation.
Put a pillow over your head each night for a week and see what happens.
First go to the hotel for a couple of nights though, so you can cope with the first few days of screechy nights while you baby adjusts.
The others are right though, you really need to lay-off the housework and get tough with your DH.

geordieminx · 23/11/2009 20:46

I think that you should get a cleaner in, even if its just for a few months. If money is an issue then take baby out of childcare, and pay cleaner, that way you get to spend time with baby, have house nice and clean. Ideally cleaner and childminder.

On a seperate note - you already have one arse-hole why on earth do you need another?

Your husband for example, is a twat

Sorry.

Hope things get better for you. Ds is 2.5 and still rubbish sleeper (awake at 4,5, then up at 5.45 this morning) but dh and I take it in turns to get up with him, and the house gets tidyed as and when i can be arsed I get the chance. With a 2.5 year old it never stays clean/tidy for long anyway.

DippyDino · 23/11/2009 20:50

My dh did every single night feed with dd. And he worked, although only for around 6 hours a day, weekdays only.

We were both knackered, but we did it as a team! We still do as near 50 / 50 as poss, as near as work, college etc allows. I lurve the gym, but I would give it up if my partner needed me to for the sake of sanity helping with the baby.

Go for it OP, this needs nipping in the bud, iykwim.

verytellytubby · 23/11/2009 20:56

DD was a terrible sleeper and I made huge mistakes as she was my first. DT's slept through from 3 months, partly they were really good sleepers and I was desperate enough to be quite tough with them.

Your DC doesn't need feeding in the night. It's a habit you need to break.

Good luck. I'd kick DH up the arse if he was mine. Instead of booking a hotel, book a cleaner.

verytellytubby · 23/11/2009 20:57

ps. my DH took over the night feeds with DT's as I can't function on no sleep.

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