Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that really friend should not have adopted

31 replies

eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:01

I promise I am not a troll....

Over the last few weeks I have tried to distance myself from someone who was once a very good friend.. about 3 years ago she adopted a little boy, I was her nominated reference.

From the moment he arrived I felt things wernt right, she snapped at him and blamed him for various failures within the family. She has an older boy and had really wanted to adopt a girl but i think she paniced and just adopted the first child that SS put infront of her. he is such a sweet little boy, he has problems to do with his upbringing pre adoption but i felt that no allowance was being made for this and everything was being blamed on him...I tried several times to talk to my friend and find out how she was feeling, a few time she felt like she had made a terrible mistake.

As time went on I have distanced myself from her because I am afraid that I am going to say the wrong thing and I cant sit in the same room as her, she yells in his face, she sends him to his room to go away from her, there is no physical abuse but tbh i think this is bad enough if not worse!!!

I know I have no idea and Im not there 24/7 and my friend is my friend and I should have sympathy with her situation...but im afraid my loyalties lie with this little boy...Im cracking up. A mutual friend came to me yesterday and spoke of a recent incident she had talked about which I am so worried about.

My instincts are to walk in and warn her to pack it in, she is absolutely disgusting me with her behaviour, I dont think I am over reacting and I think my instincts are bang on.

i have trouble over this since I was told this incident yesterday..someone please tell me what to do, ask some more questions as this I could write and write about how I feel but I want to know what somone elses take is on this....tbh I couldnt care less at the moment about upsetting my friend, like i say my priority is this little boy whose life is being made hell!!!!

OP posts:
argento · 22/11/2009 15:04

Could you speak to a social worker?

MollieO · 22/11/2009 15:05

How old is he?

DoingTheBestICan · 22/11/2009 15:06

Could you report your concerns to SS?

hanaboo · 22/11/2009 15:06

yanbu and you should definitely talk to your friend if you are worried. and it sounds like you have every right to be. it also sounds like she made a mistake adopting the first dc offered and now has to live with it but is not doing a very good job of it. the problem is, what to do now? poor little thing definitely deserves better but more upheaval would also be terrible for him, it sounds like she needs help to put things right and start loving him as she should

what was the incident if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster
eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:07

I am rather scared to, I dont know why, that sound so shallow when i look at it on the screen

I would rather tell her what I think, my friend is a fantastic actress too...If i called social services she would absolutely "act" her way out of it

And this lad is such a loyal litlle bird he wouldnt be the sort to complain...

OP posts:
DoingTheBestICan · 22/11/2009 15:07

Why does she shout in his face? Is it because of something he has done or does she shout for any reason?

ShinyAndNew · 22/11/2009 15:07

If things are really that bad, I'd call SS tbh.

Poor child.

DoingTheBestICan · 22/11/2009 15:08

Loyal little bird or desperate for some love?

DoingTheBestICan · 22/11/2009 15:09

How old is he?

DoingTheBestICan · 22/11/2009 15:09

Does she have a partner?

PeedOffWithNits · 22/11/2009 15:11

so she is not like this with her own kids?

would you report her if she was like that with her own or do you expect more of her cos the child is adopted from a difficult background?

if this is a regular occurence perhaps you do need to say something - perhaps be there for her to talk to about her problems?

Original poster
eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:12

He is 7yo now..

The incident, I am scared to put it down incase she reads it on here and outs me....god knows why i would think she would.

Ok....so he had started spitting on her mirror in her bedroom and spreading it, so she did the same to him on his tv, and forbade him to wipe it off...

Now if that was me I would wonder why he did that, maybe he was spitting at himself? , maybe he wondered what it looked like....god knows any number of reasons but the last thing i would think to do would be to respond in the way she did..I was truly shocked

OP posts:
DoingTheBestICan · 22/11/2009 15:14

So was the shouting in his face a one off? If so i would have a word & say its not really appropriate for her to be doing that,if its more regular then i would contact SS.

Original poster
eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:15

She has one other child...who I dont think reacted very well to the adoption, she would be short tempered with him in but no more than an regular mother, there is a definate distinction between her reaction to both kids.

I would happily react the same way regardless of whether the child was adopted, or her own...

She has a partner but he is a spineless so n so.

OP posts:
hanaboo · 22/11/2009 15:16

aww bless him, she definitely needs some help to understand the difficulties he has due to his pre adopted life and she needs to realise that she is not helping him, good point, is she the same with her bio child?

hanaboo · 22/11/2009 15:17

cross post, i maintain that she needs to realise she needs help and also be prepared to change.. could you threaten her with ss if she does not try? would your other friend back you up?

Original poster
eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:18

Doing the best, no shouting in his face is common and the thing that I absolutely despise...I have told her not to do it as it is sooooooo intimidating and so bullying. I am sorry to say (and as im saying this It is upsetting me) it makes me walk away because I cant define the point at which I should step in....my instincts really make me see red abd I want to drag her out away from the kids and shout in her face to show her how it feels

OP posts:
ByTheSea · 22/11/2009 15:19

It sounds as if your friend is at the end of your tether and needs help. If he has attachment problems, he may seem like the most charming little angel in the world when you're around yet present her with extremely challenging behaviour when you're not. Clearly you saw her parent her other child if you provided an adoption reference, so it sounds as if the problem is particular to this child. I know from experience, unfortunately, how difficult some of these behaviours can be to deal with on a 24-7 basis.

Tell your friend she needs to go back to SS for post-adoption support and not relent until she gets it.

eatyourveg · 22/11/2009 15:19

if you call SS to lodge a complaint against her and she finds out it was you, you risk the friendship. Much better to get the number for the post adoption support unit that exists in the SS dept. Just offer her the number and reinforce the point that adoption is harder than having your own children. SS realise this and so have support available. If you don't feel able to do this, look up a local support group for adoptive parents and offer to go along with her or ring them yourself and see what advice they can offer. It would help enormasly if she were able to meet up with other mums who have adopted. Many many children come with emotional or behavioural problems as a result of being in the situation which they find themselves in. Your friend is obvioulsy finding it difficult to cope and needs your help rather than any judgements

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 22/11/2009 15:21

I really feel for you. I was a referee for some one who recently adopted and I can't bare to see how they treat the child. I emailed social services but didn't feel able to give me real name though I gave the child's name. When one of the parents threatened my Dh and I he did email them but they are not interested. They said it didn't sound pleasant but wasn't a child protection issue. everyone can see how they treat this new child differently from the child they had previously adopted.

ByTheSea · 22/11/2009 15:22

end of 'her' tether.

Original poster
eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:24

bytthesea and eatyourveg.....these are both excellent pieces of advice thankyou, I will give her these numbers to speak to them, to my knowledge she hasnt made these calls before but hopefully she will.

I cant get involved though as I dont think I can be in her company atm, i feel very let down by the way she has acted, It may seem like I am abandoning her but really I will be observing from a distance iykwim....enough of my other friends will keep an eye on what she is up to. Im only interested in making sure that this little boy has the love and caring home he deserves

OP posts:
Original poster
eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:26

FAB you know exactly where Im coming from...it is heart breaking, I feel like he is out of the frying pan into the fire, and I am sorry I recommended her

OP posts:
Original poster
eggshells · 22/11/2009 15:29

Bythesea....his behaviour is extremely challenging, but only in the same way any other 4,5,6,7 YO's behaviour is....most of the incidents she has told me about have been covered by my DC's at some point along the way, there is nothing really disturbing about his behaviour...I think the real challenge/ shock has been going from 1 child to 2...and the reaction of her PFB

OP posts:
FabHasHadHerSurprise · 22/11/2009 16:00

Can I just say that having been in care and later discovered that people had concerns about my placement but did nothing - please put the child first and do something.

Swipe left for the next trending thread