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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is this really Not On

71 replies

chibi · 22/11/2009 10:40

We are a group of friends who met via the NCt when we were pregnant with our first babies a few years ago.

We have kept in touch, and meet up for coffee weekly, and have girly nights out once in a while, nothing fancy, dinner or a movie and once a pub quiz. These are maybe twice or 3 times a year.

We all have second children, and here is where the problem is. One of us has just had a second baby about a month ago (well, her partner did). We are planning a night out in the next few weeks before Christmas, going out for a nice meal.

We are emailing round to work out what date is best for everyone, and this person has said that their partner will come too, but as it's far to early to get a sitter for the newborn, they will be coming too!

Apparently they will just be popped under the table while we are there.

AIBU to think NO FLAMING WAY!!!!

I have no problems with babies in restaurants, I have done it too - but in the day. How can we have a good night, have a drink, let our hair down/whatever with a baby under tha table?

Also what kind of restaurant will be happy with having a baby there in the evening? I do not want to go to a Harvester or likewise.

Don't get me wrong, this would be fine during the day with the kids, but NOT fine for a fun night out with the girls. As we go out together in the evenings so rarely I want something worth making the effort for.

I think I am also ticked off at the breezy way it was announced, as though no one could possibly take issue with an 8 week old coming out with us.

Also, any advice on how to deal with this? This really makes me not want to go, which is cutting off my own nose to spite my face, cos I hardly go out as it is.

OP posts:

Arwenwasrobbed · 22/11/2009 12:19

I have done loads of thing and been loads of places with various babies stashed under desks/tables inc taught and been on courses.

However a girls night out is agirls night out and totally agree re changing the dynamic - more so in a werid way as its an old NCT group - it'll end up as a how's feeding going - what was the birth like... etc night

mrsbean78 · 22/11/2009 12:20

YANBU - fancy restaurants at night where adults are drinking are no places for tiny babies, whether they are asleep or not.

When I got married, my bridemaid wanted to bring her 1 year old on my hen.

violethill · 22/11/2009 12:20

Allets makes a good point.

You say this is their second child, so presumably they have to make arrangements for the older one anyway, so it seems a bit odd for the partner to insist on coming along with the baby in those circumstances.

I am with the OP on this. It's not about homophobia, or being anti-children at all - it's just that if the evening planned is a childfree girls night out, it's not fair for one person to not stick to that.

Yes, the baby might sleep under the table unnoticed (though I'm sure there are pleasanter environments for a baby!) but on the other hand it might be colickly, whingy and unsettled. It does change the dynamics having kids around - and if a girls night out is what was planned then it's a bit unreasonable for anyone to change that.

Chynah · 22/11/2009 12:24

My son slept soundly on the seat next to me at a city centre restaurant on a Saturday night when he was 9 weeks old.

I can see your point that it's nice to get away from the little darlings but if it's the only way she can attend then surely people can be tolerant for one night.

Morloth · 22/11/2009 12:25

As long as no one expected me to look after the baby/behave differently because of their presence, then why would it matter?

Arwenwasrobbed · 22/11/2009 12:29

Morloth - because a group of NCT mothers will behave differntly if a 2 week old baby is around

mrsjammi · 22/11/2009 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cadmum · 22/11/2009 12:41

I suppose that they answers thus far show that everyone has a different tolerance level and different ideas about a night out.

I personally wouldn't leave an 8 week old with a sitter but I am not sure that I would bring one along to an event where a baby is not welcome.

I can see both perspectives but I like the suggestion that if you choose a fancy restaurant and they will have to choose if they find it an appropriate place to bring the baby.

Do you feel comfortable enough with the mum you met with your first to mention to her that you would prefer to have a childless night out?

girlsyearapart · 22/11/2009 12:41

YANBU at all. Your friend is not the one breastfeeding so she can be away from the baby for an evening.

It may be different if it were her that was bf ing but I still wouldn't want a baby there on a child free night.

It is hard to get out when you have kids (esp more than 1) and people ie the rest of the group will be looking forward to a night off from all kids.

From what I read it has nothing to do with the fact that it was a lesbian relationship just to explain who was bf ing.

mrsjammi · 22/11/2009 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

McSnail · 22/11/2009 12:57

I really don't think you're being unreasonable!

How can anyone let their hair down/get pissed when there's a tiny baby 'under the table'? Even if it wasn't my child, I'd feel a bit on edge. I'd feel I had to whisper all night...

juneybean · 22/11/2009 13:01

YABU as presumably the mother won't be drinking anyways so she's hardly going to be "drinking and letting her hair down"

thesecondcoming · 22/11/2009 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wukter · 22/11/2009 13:09

YANBU at all, it's not neccessary and ompinges on your night. Who is minding the older child, I wonder?

Don't know how you could say it to your friend though.

rookiemater · 22/11/2009 13:10

At first I thought YABU because presumed the mother was breastfeeding and wanted to be close to her baby for that reason,but now we know that your original friend isn't the mother and that this lady hasn't been on your nights out before then I can kind of see where you are coming from.

Unfortunately I don't think you can say much as if you do it may cause ructions in the group and may also cause the others to think, wrongly IMHO, that you are homophobic.

I also think picking a place that bars children after 7.00pm is a bit agressive, but I would pick somewhere that doesn't actively welcome them, make your booking a reasonably late one and suggest you all go for drinks beforehand, that should make it sufficiently unbaby friendly to put them off the idea.

TemptationIsComing · 22/11/2009 13:17

YANBU - I would hate this as well. Some mothers seem physically incapable of being parted from their babies, and it drives me nuts.

And.... LOL @ the homophobic comments. What a lot of rot

purpleduck · 22/11/2009 13:17

Having a child there will change the whole dynamic of the evening.
Of couse chibi won't have to look after the baby or whatever, but a girls night out MEANS a girls night out.

I can't see why the woman in question can't leave her baby for an a couple of hours.

Amazed at all you YABU'ers!!!

woozlet · 22/11/2009 15:07

YANB at all U!

All of those saying 'the baby will just sleep under the table'. It might not!

Makes so much more sense for your friend to get a night out and leave baby with it's birth mother.

And there are some places you can't take a baby to, so you are restricted in where you go.

And mainly, you all want an adult night out - having a baby there will change the atmosphere, as others have said.

Vallhala · 22/11/2009 15:10

TemptationIsComing I'm with you. There is a time and a place for babies and small children and a restaurant in the evening, booked with the intention of having an adult night out isn't one of them.

You can't really relax with a babe under the table. All too soon, immediately she stirs/someone inadvertantly moves their feet near her you will all be knee-deep in conversations about babies, nappies, the birth et al. Okay, you met as a result of pregnancy but surely sometimes you want to be women and not mothers all the time and its reasonable to want one night out without a baby in tow. She may not be yours but I doubt if you won't all feel collectively responsible for her, it'll change the whole dynamic of the evening.

Besides, the mother knew that the invitation was an evening one, to a restaurant and was imho rude to assume.

nbee84 · 22/11/2009 17:26

I've not read the whole thread, but I can't be the only one who's 8 week old baby would not have slept in a car seat all night and been no trouble???

6pm - 10pm (and sometimes later) was what we called 'the witching hour' in our house. We had to eat one at a time so that one of us was rocking or soothing a very niggly or screaming colicky baby.

reservejudgement · 22/11/2009 18:28

Maybe the partner has always felt a little bit left out of things before? If they were together when they had the first baby, then she may have felt that she was the baby's Mum too, though not the birth-mum and should have been included on the nights out. So is insisting on coming now and bringing baby to boot!

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