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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is this really Not On

71 replies

chibi · 22/11/2009 10:40

We are a group of friends who met via the NCt when we were pregnant with our first babies a few years ago.

We have kept in touch, and meet up for coffee weekly, and have girly nights out once in a while, nothing fancy, dinner or a movie and once a pub quiz. These are maybe twice or 3 times a year.

We all have second children, and here is where the problem is. One of us has just had a second baby about a month ago (well, her partner did). We are planning a night out in the next few weeks before Christmas, going out for a nice meal.

We are emailing round to work out what date is best for everyone, and this person has said that their partner will come too, but as it's far to early to get a sitter for the newborn, they will be coming too!

Apparently they will just be popped under the table while we are there.

AIBU to think NO FLAMING WAY!!!!

I have no problems with babies in restaurants, I have done it too - but in the day. How can we have a good night, have a drink, let our hair down/whatever with a baby under tha table?

Also what kind of restaurant will be happy with having a baby there in the evening? I do not want to go to a Harvester or likewise.

Don't get me wrong, this would be fine during the day with the kids, but NOT fine for a fun night out with the girls. As we go out together in the evenings so rarely I want something worth making the effort for.

I think I am also ticked off at the breezy way it was announced, as though no one could possibly take issue with an 8 week old coming out with us.

Also, any advice on how to deal with this? This really makes me not want to go, which is cutting off my own nose to spite my face, cos I hardly go out as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
chibi · 22/11/2009 11:06

smallorange, is it only acceptable to want to go out without kids if it's a fetish night?

OP posts:
Squishabelle · 22/11/2009 11:10

YANBU at all.

monkeyfeathers · 22/11/2009 11:14

I am breastfeeding too chibi and I could not have gone out for the evening without DS2 when he was 8 weeks. He was feeding every 2-3 hours and wouldn't have taken a bottle of EBM. He still won't, but at least now he sleeps from 7pm til the early hours of the morning without needing a feed.

If this were a group of people you'd met in any context other than nct-friends (or anything else that means bonding over having babies) I'd say you maybe had a point. But if your ante-natal class friends won't be supportive of you with a newborn, who will?

smallorange · 22/11/2009 11:17

Ach it's just one night and she probably won't stay too long anyway

Original poster
chibi · 22/11/2009 11:19

As I said I think i would feel differently if this were 'one of us' - the partner who wants to come has never previously expressed interest in coming to any of our meetups anyway. If it had been her partner who had had the baby I would feel differently, but this I guess is like one of the dhs deciding that they are coming too and bringing the newborn.

Not logical, but there you go.

Thanks all for your honesty, I will go with the majority opinion and not say anything about the baby.

OP posts:
Ladyanonymous · 22/11/2009 11:19

The baby isn't your responsiblity its theirs, the presence of the baby being there will only ruin your evening if you allow it to. You will still have an evening without YOUR kids.

If it was a toddler coming I could understand, but a baby is a very benign presence?

YABU.

itsmeolord · 22/11/2009 11:21

YANBU.
If i am going out with my friends and one of the children is ill/needs attention for some rreason etc etc he will stay home.

A small baby there will change the dynamic of the night, it would irritate me too.
Children do not need to be exalted and revered at every opportunity, parents are allowed to have some time off.

PercyPigPie · 22/11/2009 11:24

YABU - Our DC1 came out with us at that age. You can still do what you want, it is only the parents who will need to remain sober etc.

I was wondering if it was their sexual orientation that was influencing you. Then I read your last post and I have a sneaking suspicion that if it was one of the DHs bringing a new born you may not be quite as outraged.

Original poster
chibi · 22/11/2009 11:33

If it were sexual orientation that were influencing me would I go out with/have coffee with her partner (who is also gay) weekly?

How can I be homophobic about one partner and not the other, it doesn't even make sense?

I would be happy to have her there without the baby. This is about the baby.

As I said, it might be different if it were one of the women in our circle who had had the baby - if it were her partner for example, as they are my friends. I still wouldn't be over the moon but would suck it up more readily for my friend. This woman, although nice enough, I don't know really any more than I know anyone else's partner, and is more an acquaintance than a friend.

OP posts:
minervaitalica · 22/11/2009 11:33

YABU. I used to take DD out to nice restaurants in London all the time when she was under 6 mths - she just slept in her pram whilst we had fun... And none of my other friends had children at that point!

Frankly, if one of the friends had told me she didn't want DD there, I would have told her where to go...

And by the way, I do not understand why you would not want the partner there either... She is a girl no?

Original poster
chibi · 22/11/2009 11:35

The idea that these are both women is irrelevant./ I only mentioned it originally as I figured people would assume it was my friend who gave birth recently and wonder why her partner was keen to come.

I wonder if your responses would have been different had that been the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
chibi · 22/11/2009 11:38

OFGS the partner can come I didn't want A BABY to come.

Just to clarify,

Two humans had a baby.
One of those humans is my friend.
My friend wanted to bring her partner and her baby.
I did not want a baby at the night out.
I was clearly unreasonable.
I am sorry.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBangers · 22/11/2009 11:39

I think YANBU, exactly, because if the girl who has just given birth is not and has not so far been part of the friendship circle, why does she want to come along this time, when no one else is bringing a partner?

AliGrylls · 22/11/2009 11:40

I think it is a slightly odd thing to want to do if is a girly night out. The point would be to have an evening of not thinking about children.

I don't think you can say anything though. You have to let her come. She will probably leave early as she will be so knackered.

Original poster
chibi · 22/11/2009 11:41

This is what I mean SGB!!!

OP posts:
MedusaHead · 22/11/2009 11:41

YANBU. If you wanted children to be there you would have arranged it for during the day. Everyone needs a night off and as someone else pointed out having a baby there will change the whole dynamics of the evening.

HeadFairy · 22/11/2009 11:45

I can kind of understand why you wouldn't want someone there who's not really part of your NCT group, kind of makes it less of a night out with your mates and a bit less informal... but to be honest I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if someone in my antenatal group brought a new born along to a night out. I took ds out everywhere, had a cracking night life until he was old enough to realise there was something interesting going in and refused to sleep. Until that point it was fab being able to go out to restaurants and not think twice about a baby sitter. Let her enjoy that phase while she can.

shockers · 22/11/2009 11:47

I don't think it's appropriate to take a baby on a night out where everyone else is having a baby free evening. We all need grown up time occasionally... even when we are mums.

monkeyfeathers · 22/11/2009 11:54

ok chibi. i didn't realise that the nct friend hadn't had the baby. i think it'd be unreasonable to exclude one of your group because she needed to be with her baby, but if the partner had the baby (and is presumably doing the breastfeeding) then you're being perfectly reasonable.

it's odd that she wants to bring her partner out. surely everyone enjoys a night away from their partner every now and then.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 22/11/2009 12:00

I just think you could use this as an opportunity to still be able to see your friend and potentially make a new one.

Allets · 22/11/2009 12:06

I am left wondering what they are going to do with the older child?

Presumably, it's not a family outing?

BTW - I am fairly ambivalent about this. If you were going to a bar, I'd think it was a bit weird to take an 8 week old baby along. A restaurant, however, is fair game. We often went out with our baby in his bassinet. Along came DC2 and DC3...

Say no more.

dorisbonkers · 22/11/2009 12:10

I will revise my answer.

YABU to think you can't go out of an evening to bar with a very small baby.

but YANBU if this is a chance for you to let hair down and COMPLETELY FORGET ABOUT BABIES. I know it's not her baby people, but hard to steer attention fully away from babies when there's one under the table.

So on balance, although I think it's fine to take small babies out to restaurants and some bars, I understand where chibi is coming from.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 22/11/2009 12:11

YABU. I recently went on a hen do where someone brought her newborn baby and it was fine. Baby slept in the car seat for most of the evening except for a quick feed during dinner (not in a harvester but in a top London restaurant). It's a small baby, you won't even notice it is there.

Georgimama · 22/11/2009 12:16

I agree with SGB and you are clearly not being unreasonable or homophobic. The partner is not part of the friendship circle so her coming with or without baby is odd.

A girl at work wanted to bring her husband on a work night out recently, because they'd just got married and she couldn't bear to spend the evening apart from him. Don't sodding come then was my thought.

thesecondcoming · 22/11/2009 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.