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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wander if there is a man out there who would look after an ill wife?

48 replies

Sunshine78 · 22/11/2009 10:31

I know this has been done before but am feeling v neglected at the mo. I struggled through the week with my asthma getting worse and no help from my dh. I did everything my asthma nurse said to try abd get it under control while caring for my 2 dc almost single handed as dh been working late. Any way yesterday got really bad my oxygen levels where only 86% and it hurt to breath so GP put me on steriods and told me to rest. Dh the takes ds to watch football leaving me with dd 3. This morning have being trying to stay in bed he was downstairs watching the news so dc where jumping all over me wanting me to play. Finally after 2 hours of this he has now taken them out. His last words to me where you better be up when we get back!

What makes it worse that when he was ill a few months ago I kept the kids out the house as much as possible and when we where at home kept them away from him.

Feeling v unloved know he has worked hard this week and he sees the weekends for resting but I also work and do the lions share of the childcare.

Feel better now for getting this off my chest.

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 22/11/2009 10:33

why not just tell him to take the children and firmly close the bedroom door?

MaggieBelle · 22/11/2009 10:38

I'd get your gp to ring him, that is out of order. You are sick!

My x was exactly the same mind you, so it's not rare. But at least now if I tell my parents, I'm sick, can you mind the children, they 1) believe me, 2) support with picking up scrips, runing to shop for lempsips etc/whatever 3) sympathise

such a relief

Wineonafridaynight · 22/11/2009 10:38

Sorry your asthma is so bad at the moment. You need to rest and take care of yourself so you get better so tell him you will be staying in bed today and ask him to have the children.

Also point out to him that if you don't get your rest, the asthma is likely to get worse and you could end up in hospital! Then he will have to manage full time childcare!

MaggieBelle · 22/11/2009 10:39

talk to the gp and push for a few days in hospital??? tell him that you ended up hospitalised because you didn't rest.

Bumblingbovine · 22/11/2009 10:40

I am sorry but that is outrageous. Asthma can be very serious if not treated properly. I am beyond speechless actually that a human being who is supposed to care for someone would behave like that. If dh had said that to me before leaving I'd have been furious.

sowhatis · 22/11/2009 10:40

Tell him to stick it! they are his kids, and you need to rest of it will get worse and then where will he be left.........remind him of that!

Ronaldinhio · 22/11/2009 10:47

are we seriously suggesting that the op get her gp to ring her husband or go into hospital to get him to look after their dc whilst she is ill?

ffs

if the op cannot address her illness and need for rest to her dh then her problems run a lot deeper than a bout of asthma

are we suggesting that only external authority would make her dh listen?
what a waste of nhs resources that would be and also what are we saying as women?

"my dh will only look after my children when I'm ill if a doctor personally confirms it to him or I am hospitalised"

christ on a bike

tell him you are ill
tell him to take the kids
tell him you will rest until well

OrmIrian · 22/11/2009 11:00

Oh so sorry That is not on at al!
WTF is his problem.

But yes there are men out there who will. My DH does. Makes me feel guilty as I'm not so good TBH

edam · 22/11/2009 11:05

He's a git.

Yes, there are men who look after their dws when they are ill, dh does and any decent man does. Your h is an irresponsible, cruel swine. And I mean that - it is fucking cruel to dump the kids on someone with severe asthma and 86% oxygen levels.

You need to have very stern words with him when he gets back - if you have the breath. Or, if you are feeling too frail for confrontation, call your Mum if you have one or someone similar who can tear a strip off him.

MaggieBelle · 22/11/2009 11:21

ronaldinho, I agree with you, he should believe her becuase she says she's ill, but having been there, having BEEn ill with an unsupporitve partner, maybe the time out to recover properly (with doctor's 'permission' to be ill) would give her strength to sort out the tlong term inbalances in relationship.

whenyou're sick and tired NOW, you can't sort everything out all at once.

Ronaldinhio · 22/11/2009 11:41

maggiebelle
I thought that your suggestions were totally wrong and patronising to women and relationships everywhere.
To suggest that to get much needed help with your children when ill by an unnecessary hospitalisation or a gp phone call is just ridiculous on every level. This isn't the 1950s.
What a waste of NHS resource.
Allowing or condoning behaviour like this by having to have a professional third party justify or verify illness...just isn't on.

The OP needs to go to bed and stay in bed. Her DH will soon get the idea and the children will be bored by her non movement and torture him instead.
A lie in bed/stay in bed position until she is well will get her further than suggesting someone external speak to her husband to get her her basic rights.
At worst get a family member to bollock him but a doctor or hospitalisation....not really.

The easiest thing for her to do is nothing, literally nothing and let him sort it out.

herbietea · 22/11/2009 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JollyPirate · 22/11/2009 11:50

Sometimes men are crap but to all you unwell women I wish I could hand over my 80 year old uncle who is currently caring for my 74 year old auntie who is ill with cancer. He is literally doing everything, cooking, cleaning and nursing her with love.
Not a moment of complaint either....

seaglass · 22/11/2009 13:47

I'm suffering with my asthma at the moment, and I know exactly how you feel.
My dh works and can't take time off work, so I'm dealing with the dc's and the smallholding, despite barely being able to walk upstairs. I'm on my second lot of steroids in as many weeks.
Talk to your DH and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are ill, and when he is home, he will be dealing with everything, as you need to rest. (I agree, a doctor shouldn't have to talk to your dh about this)
In the meantime, when you do have to deal with things, make life as easy on yourself as possible - if you can!

Morloth · 22/11/2009 13:53

There are plenty around, yours is just being a selfish dickhead.

Tell him to man up and stop being stupid.

ShinyAndNew · 22/11/2009 13:57

My Dh looks after me when I am ill. However this is possibly the only good point he has

When he gets back, go back to bed and put something heavy against the door so he cannot get in. He will have no choice but to look after the dc.

Also, sympathies, I have Asthma and know how horrible it can be.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 22/11/2009 14:01

My dh worked from home the other week as I wasn't able to look after the children.

Yours sounds a bully. What is he going to do if you are not up when he gets home?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 22/11/2009 14:09

Your DH is being a twat!! You need to spell it out to him and stay in bed. I really hope you feel better soon.

My DH has been doing everything for the last couple of weeks as I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. He's cooked, cleaned, ironed, looked after the ds's....and worked while they are at school. He is a star!

ThingOneofYourNightmares · 22/11/2009 14:11

Have you explained to him clearly that the GP has said you must rest? And not just hinted? Don't leave him with any wriggle room.

My DH managed to look after our two boys for nearly all of the time he wasn't at work (full time, demanding) for two years as I was unwell. That's what a partner does.

StillCounting · 22/11/2009 14:30

"you better be up when we get back"

Who does he think he is? Your father?

Am bristling with outrage on your behalf.

Sorry, but no one should speak to their other half like that whether they are ill or not.

As OrmIrian says, it is not on at all and yes there are decent men out there who muck in gladly ... again, not just when their partners or spouses are ill.

"He sees the weekends for resting"

When you both work??? And you BOTH have 3 dc ... ??? That is positively feudal!!

I think some urgent re-negotiation of the marital contract has to happen here.

Is he like this all the time or just when you are ill? How much childcare does he normally do? How is your relationship generally if you don't mind me asking?

StillCounting · 22/11/2009 14:32

Sorry, meant to say, I hope you feel much better soon x

You too seaglass

ln1981 · 22/11/2009 14:46

I just wanted to say how unbelievable of your dh for not wanting you to get some rest! Does he not realise that if you rest up you might actually get better a wee bit quicker?!
not all men are like that though-my dp looked after when i had pneumonia, it took me six weeks to feel like my old self adnd i really dont know how he coped with my grouching and three kids (our youngest was only 5 weeks old).
like Jollypirate, my grandad has looked after my gran for the last 20years after she had a really bad stroke (they are now in their mid 70's) and its only recently that hes asked for carers to help out. Have faith cos men like that do really exist.

ln1981 · 22/11/2009 14:47

also i hope that you get better soon too.

MistletoeNoelPresents · 22/11/2009 14:52

Unbeleivable.

My DH has been woken up before now as i was in too much pain to get up and get my meds, he couldn't do too much, he cares for me, he is forever telling me not to do x or y in case i make my back worse/flare up, even tho my doing things would make things easier for him - we are renovating our home as was badly neglected by previous owner.

I can't believe people are seriously suggesting she goes to hospital or gets the GP to call her DH so she can rest.

Fibilou · 22/11/2009 17:44

Quite agree with Ronaldinho.

Has your husband forgotten the "in sickness and in health" part of his wedding vows ?
When my DH is being ridiculously argumentative about things I just lay things out on the line - this is what's happening and this is what I will be doing, end of discussion. It seems to me your DH is treating you like a doormat and what's worse, you're letting him