to wander if there is a man out there who would look after an ill wife?

[Sunshine78]

I know this has been done before but am feeling v neglected at the mo. I struggled through the week with my asthma getting worse and no help from my dh. I did everything my asthma nurse said to try abd get it under control while caring for my 2 dc almost single handed as dh been working late. Any way yesterday got really bad my oxygen levels where only 86% and it hurt to breath so GP put me on steriods and told me to rest. Dh the takes ds to watch football leaving me with dd 3. This morning have being trying to stay in bed he was downstairs watching the news so dc where jumping all over me wanting me to play. Finally after 2 hours of this he has now taken them out. His last words to me where you better be up when we get back!

What makes it worse that when he was ill a few months ago I kept the kids out the house as much as possible and when we where at home kept them away from him.

Feeling v unloved know he has worked hard this week and he sees the weekends for resting but I also work and do the lions share of the childcare.

Feel better now for getting this off my chest.

"talk to the gp and push for a few days in hospital??? tell him that you ended up hospitalised because you didn't rest."

And people wonder why the NHS is overstretched with helpful suggestions like this..

Asthma - if no other pulmonary problems - and true hypoxia, would often mean admission to hospital. Asthmatics don't get hypoxic until there is a serious problem.
If you feel terrible please go back to your GP or A&E.
Hope the steroids have improved things for you.

Does he realise how ill you are? If he does he is being very unreasonable!. My husband looks after the kids when I am ill although the house always looks like a bomb has gone off when I get up!

Am I misreading this or did MaggieBelle make one suggestion, which actually wasn't that bad, which ended up being called "totally wrong and patronising to women and relationships everywhere"

Ronaldinhio, i think you're commpletely overreacting there.

OP, I'm sorry your DH is being an arse and I hope you're feeling better soon.

I don't think Ronaldinho is overreacting - what is the OP supposed to do, trot down her GP for a sick note whenever she is feeling unwell so she can be "signed off" to her husband in way that you would to a boss ?

And furthermore, why does she have to justify staying in bed while sick to him anyway ? He's not her keeper.

a compromise - between maggiebelle's suggestion and ronaldinho's valid points would be to say to dh "the doctor said my oxygen levels are 86 per cent. he said I have to rest. now, if you like you can phone him up to check that I'm not lying, or you could do what reasonable husbands do and trust me - and make me a cup of tea and then take the kids away and leave me to rest"

Wow!!
I took a pasting here!

And the ironic thing is, I agree with you Ronaldinho, whcih is why i left my x. I am not some 1950s doormat, and I am not suggesting anybody else should be, and frankly I have spend HOURS, WEEKS on mn trying to encourage other women who haven't yet left the men that treat them like door mats that they don't have to put up wiht this.

But, on a less theological and more immediate basis, I still think my advice to the OP was helpful.

Asthma is a serious condition. I have it myself. I also no how *ucking desperate you can get, for sleeep, for help, for sympathy, for suppoert.

I think the OP would not be a 'bed blocker' if she spend a couple of days in hospital.

Her husband is a different matter to sort out later when she's healthy, rested and strong.

*ps not suggesting OP should leave her husband, but kind of incredulous at the view that as been taken of my view of women/marriage.

Blimey, my dh would get short shrift it he told me I'd better be up when he got home.
What was the outcome of this OP?
Does your dh understand the serious nature of asthma? Most people think it can be remedied by the blue or brown puffer, I used to until I worked on a respiratory ward.

MisteltoeNoelPresents, your husband sounds lovely. You're in the fortunate position of being unable to fully comprehend the problems of living with somebody like OP's partner.

OP, I hope you're feeling better, if you do./can get into hospital, well and good. You have bad asthma and certainly wouldn't be a bed blocker... or a waste of resources. What a cold cynical heartless way of looking at things.

And what about single people who have nobody to look after them?

People who have somebody to look after them are bloody lucky

"Blimey, my dh would get short shrift it he told me I'd better be up when he got home."

You can't make somebody else be a decent human being though. You can't make them care or make them do the right thing.

I ahve to step away from this thread now. I'm sad on the OP's behalf. Everybody else's total lack of understanding reminds me of why I hid for 8 years what a useless wanker my x ws.

Good point Maggie, I suppose I am lucky that I got a good one.
OP how are you today?

Maggie, I empathise with the OP that she seems to be stuck with a useless husband that doesn't believe her.
However there is enough of a shortage of bed spaces in hospitals as it is without the beds that there are being used as recuperative space for people that could just as easily recover at home. On your argument, where do you draw the line ?

We have to accept that hospital spaces are becoming more and more rationed and are required for people that actually NEED treatment - not just because the patient won't be able to get a proper rest at home because of issues in their relationships.

Before you say I have no comprehension of what it's like I have worked with a lot of women experiencing domestic violence so know just how hard it can be when you have an abusive and domineering partner. However I also do not feel it is helpful to perpetuate things by suggesting that a woman in a controlling relationship needs to get a note from someone in authority to justify why she needs to rest when she only has 86% oxygen levels - this simply perpetuates the man's belief that the woman is not fit to make her own mind up and needs others to intervene for her.

People who have somebody to care for them at home don't need a hospital bed, but people who don't have somebody to care for them (and the OP does not) need a hospital bed.

You say the OP has her husband? well, she can't make him care for her.

He might as well not be there. YOu can't make other people care for you. YOu just can't. You can't even make a man look after his own children.

ps, I meant theoretical earlier, don't know why i typed theological

but your argument basically says that people who either have nobody to look after them or who's relatives are unable/unwilling to do so should be able to go into hospital.
Unless there is something seriously wrong which needs nursing care I'm afraid that the truth, however much you don't like it, is that you have to look after yourself. Hospitals are not respite centres for people that need a rest because they have nobody to help them. They are centres for people who need to receive medical attention.

I would be extremely annoyed if someone I knew was unable to get a bed when they needed treatment because someone quite able to recuperate at home was taking up a bed unnecesarily.

You make the mistake of thinking that this is like 'my policy'.

It was more human and immediate than that. It was advice to a woman whose asthma has been getting worse all week from another woman who has been in the shoes of having a partner who is lazy and pulls NO weight. Don't read all sorts into it, form my views about modern relationships to my views about the NHS.

It was 1 person to 1 person advice. Not a policy booklet.

asthma kills, the last time i looked - and it may have changed - 2000 people a year.

its serious.

when i have bad bouts of asthma, dh keeps the coffee coming becuase caffiene is a great reliever if you weren't aware.

he rubs my back and realises that i am knackered - even though i will probably not have done anything that day.

I think you need to explain t him the seriousness of asthma. How it works - how your airways close

how your back aches through breathing.

i would be more than cross - very much more than cross if dh was like this with me - although being in your situation, i realise you probably don't have the energy for an all out row, you can't scream FUCK OFF! you just can't its all dirty looks - its as far as you are physically able to go becuase you want to save your energy.

YOU need to get well to be a good mum.

keep on top of your medication - throw crisps at the kids and leave cartoons on all day.

lay on the setee - prop yourself up with two pillows so your lungs are stretched.

put a small table at the side of you and make yourself 2 cups of coffee.

I have to say that I was always under the impression that my Dh was crap when I was ill but he has recently been an absolute hero - I've had double pneumonia and swine flu (at 25 weeks pg) and he looked after our 2DDs while not only THEY had swine flu too but so did he...

I am tittering away quietly though at the suggestions about getting yourself hospitalised as a solution to unhelpful partners - When I was very ill my GPs wouldn't even entertain the idea of hospitalising me (this was before they knew I had swine flu) no matter how pointless my DH might have been...its not an optiont hat can just be taken to "check yourself in" to hospital if your husband isn't pulling his weight. In the subsequent letter from my GP when I asked for a review of my treatment I was told that hospital was NOT a place to "get a rest" and also when you are compromised its definatley not the place to avoid illnesses that will make you worse.

How are you today sunshine?
I hope you have been able to rest and that your dh has realised he is completely wrong in the way he spoke to you. Yes there are dh's who are great when their OHs are ill, my dh looks after me and the dc all the time (long term thing) and wouldn't dream of saying something like that - can you show him this thread and really shake him up?
Hope you feel better, I'm asthmatic too and it's hard going, esp this time of year.

My GP threatened to hospitalise me at about 30 weeks pregnant due being very run down, bad morning sickness, constant flu while looking after DD - it did make DH finally realise that I was quite ill but my MIL still thought I was exaggerating .
This weekend I ignored DH's sickness - man flu, and he did not like it one bit and shouted at me alot.

As a SAHM I seem to be able to have no sleep (waking baby) and have the flu and still do everything 7 days a week 24 hours a day for 2 children... DH never looks after me or DC when we are ill. everybody thinks he is wondering and caring DH

I am asthmatic and have been very ill with it at times. You cannot just send yourself to hospital with mild asthma, and you cannot cure an asthma attack with coffee. I have had lots of occasions when I was prescribed steroids; this does not mean you are ill enough to warrant a hospital stay. Hospitals are for people who are very ill - need oxygen or nebulisers - not for someone who wishes her husband would be a bit more sympathetic.

I don't know much about asthma, or how bad yours is, but I certainly see nothing wrong with asking the GP to call and speak to your husband about the sort of support you need.

I really hope you get some help and start to feel better soon. I am quite shocked that your husband hasn't stepped up, but hopefully he will with a kick up the arse some advice from a professional.

My exp tucked me up in bed, told my Ds who was 9 at the time to give me some peace for an hour and look after Dd 11 months for me and buggered off on holiday(probably with his fancy woman)when I had winter vomiting bug 2 years ago...