Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable re fake tan and DP!

35 replies

Bunnysoprano · 21/11/2009 22:36

Right. DP and I have just finished doing up our house. Everything nice and clean. Lots of nice, white, new bedlinen, throws, towels etc.

DP's sister comes for the weekend so that we can got to a spa for the day. We have an all day package. She decides to swap one of her treatments for a spray on fake tan and has three coats of the stuff.

I am (admittedly) very worried about this as she is in our nice new guest room with the nice new towels etc. DP's sister is lovely but doesn't really care much for her environment, lives in a rented flat so never worried too much about stains etc, all sheets and towels still from uni and covered in fake tan/make up etc.

As we leave, the therapist warns her (in front of me) that the fake tan stuff stains horribly and to use old towels etc. She should also be careful about not transferring it she she is sitting down and before she has had a shower. I say to her, half-joking, half seriously that I can make up a quarantine for her in another room with old sheets and towels etc. When we get home, DP and I do this and I put out two old(er) towels for her to use when she wants a shower. As it is DP's sister and I have already made my point, I ask him if he can basically tell (not in front of me) just not to take the piss with the fake tan and try and be as careful as she can.

Sister arrives home along with a female friend who she has invited along to stay for the weekend too (only telling us on the Thursday). This friend has stayed on various occasions but essentially uses the house as a hotel - doesn't bring any booze etc and just drinks ours. However, how can I really say no to her coming?

I next go upstairs,the old towels have not been used for the shower but my nice new white ones. You can guess the rest.

I have to say, I went bananas at DP. He in turn went bananas back at me and said that I need to stick up for myself and he is not in control of his sister. My view is that it is HIS sister and he should speak to her re this and bloody well tell her that her that this is not on.

He is now furious with me and is accusing me of trying to drive a wedge between his sister and I. I feel that our house is not being treated with respect and neither am I.

Please be brutally honest with me (as I know you will be). Should I just be sucking this up and am I just a total house proud control freak? I feel as though I have lost all perspective and that DP is not supporting me.

OP posts:

differentID · 21/11/2009 22:41

I think perhaps you should speak to his sister yourself. Ask her to pay for new towels as she ruined your brand new ones by disregarding your request.
Be prepared fro massive fallout though.

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 21/11/2009 22:44

Massive fall out - I agree.

Hence why I can't really say anything! It just seems really unfair that I will have to keep putting up with this!

OP posts:

clam · 21/11/2009 22:46

YANBU. I would be hopping mad, too.
I mean, you asked her not to use your new towels, provided her with alternatives and she blatantly disregarded it.
Very disrespectful. If your DP thinks that's OK, then maybe he'd like to stump up for replacements, if he doesn't want to "drive a wedge" between you.

MmeLindt · 21/11/2009 22:48

I had a similar (but more disgusting) incident with my SIL and was honest with her. I told her that I was not happy that the sheet had been ruined.

She did not say much but did send a new sheet a week or two later. And is now much more careful of our possesions.

I do think that if you are annoyed at her then you have to say so yourself and not expect your DH to do it though.

Divatheshopaholic · 21/11/2009 22:48

i saw the title, thought wow, i thought your dp had fake tan
yes, i will speak to her in person in front her brother.
thats plain rude.

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 21/11/2009 22:50

Clam - that was exactly my point. I made a reasonable request which was disregarded. It is me who has to wash and iron all the extra sheets too.

DP's position is that he is not his sister's keeper and that he asked her too. She didn't do what we asked, oh well. I am being very unreasonable shouting at him etc etc. What I can't understand is that I would be furious if MY sister did anything like this (she never would) and would bloody well be telling her that.

OP posts:

Quattrofangs · 21/11/2009 22:51

You're the one with the issue - as it sounds as though your DH is not fussed - so you should be the one articulating it IMO.

But she sounds a bit ditzy and studenty and ... young and useless. She'll grow out of it. I wouldn't ask her to pay though.

MmeLindt · 21/11/2009 22:52

It is not your DH's fault. It is his sister

You cannot (or don't want to) have it out with her and are taking it out on him instead.

SqueezyIsBackToBlack · 21/11/2009 22:53

Why go mad at DH? It's not his fault, he is right, he can't control his sister. I think you owe him an apology.

You should be able to talk to SIL in a way that means it doesn't have to turn into WW3. If she is at all reasonable, she will be embarrassed and at the very least in future, will have respect for your things. An ideal outcome would be an apology and an offer to replace the towels. Also, I'd say she needs to learn that you have boundaries.

You don't have to fall out about this, I'm sure of it.

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 21/11/2009 22:55

No - I definitely wont ask her to pay and I do agree that I am deflecting on to DP and that is not fair.

I think it is the lack of respect of my wishes when actually we are being nice and hospitable which is really upsetting me. I do agree that it is not DP's fault. However, I do think it is reasonable for him to acknowledge my feelings rather tham simply telling me to fuck off etc, etc ad nauseum.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 21/11/2009 22:56

If he is telling you to fuck off then YANBU to kick him in the balls.

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 21/11/2009 23:06

MmeLindt - can I ask, what did Monsieur Lindt think of the sheet and SIL's behaviour? Did he get involved in speaking to her and/or did he agree that the behaviour wasn't very nice?

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 21/11/2009 23:09

He was quite annoyed but stayed out of it. I think that he may have had a quiet word with her a couple of days later to say that I was quite upset but did not at the time.

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 21/11/2009 23:11

This is what is getting right up my nose - DP actually doesn't care.

To a certain extent, I couldn't care less about the cocking towels.

What is really upsetting me is that DP and sister don't appear to care about my feelings and wishes.

OP posts:

famishedass · 21/11/2009 23:35

Were they expensive sheets?

Anyway, your dp is not responsible. Your SIL is an adult and responsible for herself. You both asked her to be careful with the sheets, she ignored you both, donn't know what the answer is to be honest.

Sorry about your sheets though, especially if they were Frette ones.

Having said that, have you got any kids - coz pure white bed linen and kids don't mix either

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 21/11/2009 23:42

No children yet but I wouldn't give them sheets and towels like that. These are for adults - which she is.

Towels were pretty expensive. They were bought for guests

OP posts:

ZacharyQuack · 22/11/2009 08:36

Well if she doesn't offer to replace the sheets/towels that were ruined, you'll probably have to suck it up for the sake of family harmony.

But keep the stained linens as these will now be "her" towels for any future visits.

PrincessToadstool · 22/11/2009 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScaredOfCows · 22/11/2009 09:13

Maybe you could ask her to bring her own towels to use next time? Or put your new towels away and just leave older ones out. And get a set of cheap sheets for your guest bed for when she visits?

You wouldn't particularly need to say anything to her then, but would know that this wouldn't happen again.

allaboutme · 22/11/2009 09:14

Is she still there? Does she know you have already seen the towels and sheets?
If she doesnt know yet, then seize the moment and go straight to her (or call her if she has left) and say 'SIL, I just found the white towels and sheets that I asked you not to use and they are ruined as you did use them. I'm quite upset that you seem to have ignored my request and ruined my things without even an apology' and then leave it at that.
She'll know you are upset. If she has any decency she will at the very least apologise and perhaps even offer to replace them.

cumbria81 · 22/11/2009 09:17

You're both adults. I don't see why your DP should need to be your spokesperson. You should speak to SIL yourself.

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 22/11/2009 11:14

She is still here. I do accept that I should not have gone mad at DP. However, I am really disappointed that he doesn't think it appropriate/necessary to support me regarding this.

I.e - when she first came in - she flopped down in our lounge on the new (cream - can you see a theme here!) sofa. I had specifically asked DP if he would mind, while I was cooking, gently encouraging her to sit with him in the kitchen or the other room as she was covered in the stuff. Instead, he sits in there with her and when I go through immediately says "Oh, sister, we will need to go and sit in the kitchen, as Bunny is concerned you will ruin the couch". If he had to say this, which I don't believe he did, why couldn't he have said WE are concerned?

The reason that I thought that DP should have spoken to her is because I already HAD. At the salon, I had said I would change the bed and put out old towels. Pehaps this is wrong, but I do think when it comes to "enforcement" action, it is more appropriate for the person whose family member it is to do that. Even if I did speak to her, I don't think that DP is going to support me on this and that is actually the bigger issue.

Quite frankly, I am totally pissed off. I now have two beds to change, double towels to wash and am expected to let me house be used like a hotel in respect of whatever friends sister feels like inviting down when she comes.

Again, perhaps I am being unreasonable but I think (in terms of friend) coming to someones house for two nights (when you have come thre times before and there is no way that you will be returning the hospitality) without even so much as a bottle of wine (whilst you sit there glugging down your hosts' at a great rate of knots) is pretty bloody unreasonable in itself.

I don't want to be a killjoy etc etc etc but I don't want to live like a student anymore. I respect DP's sister's right to do that but I expect my home, my property and me to be treated with respect. Whether DP's sister thinks that the "rules" are stupid or not.

OP posts:

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 22/11/2009 11:21

YANDU and your DH should sort it out.

Is she orange?

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 22/11/2009 11:22

YANBU

Original poster

Bunnysoprano · 22/11/2009 11:23

She looks like a bar of chocolate!!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread