Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to get fed up of friends child?

27 replies

Itchyhead · 20/11/2009 19:23

Need some opinions on this one. I often go to my friends house, easiest way to meet up. She has a DS just over 3 and I have a DD 19 months. I feel bad for her as her DP is away a lot and she is on her own quite a bit, plus I really like her and want to continue our friendship but I get really fed up of her DS. He just will not share. It happens everytime. As soon as my DD picks up a toy that her DS isn't playing with, her DS comes straight over and takes it away. It happens with anything and everything that my DD picks up. I took some of DDs favourite toys for her to play with to try and keep the peace (I know that toddlers don't get the whole sharing thing anyway) but then my friends DS would take them as well and when my DD asked nicely for them back he would hide them away or just walk away with it, He didn't even want to play with it as as soon as my DD picked up something else, he wanted that too. When my DD was playing with her own toys, friends DS had a screaming fit that he wanted her toys as well. My friend just sits there and lets her DS do this. Sometimes she'll say "you have to share" but thats it. Her DS doesn't share but she never stops him taking everything away and this then upsets my DD, so my friend puts the tv on "to keep my DD quiet".

I spoke to my mum who thinks that I should tell friends DS off but I can't go into someone elses house, tell their child off when the parent is sat right there and obviously doesn't see a problem with it. It really puts me off wanting to meet up which is a shame as I do like my friend and we get on well but I think we are both getting really fed up of the situation. AIBU?

OP posts:

juneybean · 20/11/2009 19:26

It's not wrong to dislike other children than your own.

Are you able to do "kid-free" time together?

Spidermama · 20/11/2009 19:26

I had exactly this situation with my first born and a good friend/neighbour who had a snatchy ds.

I would tell him off or let your friend know how you feel because actually SHE should be explaining to him that he must share. It's her job. She needs to do this for his sake and for the sake of anyone, like your dd, who comes to visit.

notnowbernard · 20/11/2009 19:30

I think it's very common with 3yr olds, that getting all territorial and refusing to share ANYTHING. Or getting stroppy and whingy if someone else has their stuff

My dd can be like this (sometimes, though not always) and my friend's dd is awful when on her own turf. And a child your dd's age will struggle to understand the other child's behaviour

However, it is v annoying when nothing is done to try and alleviate the situation

Difficult to know what to suggest... meet somewhere else on neutral ground for a while?

PerArduaAdNauseum · 20/11/2009 19:31

You don't have to tell off the DS, but maybe take DD's toy away and say 'No, that's DD's, you've got plenty of your own toys'. And if your friend doesn't step up to the mark, start suggesting child-free meetings instead.

Portofino · 20/11/2009 19:32

I'd say speak to your friend, as 3 is old enough to grasp the idea that it not nice to snatch toys.......but in reality it would probably be easier to attack the problem yourself. If he takes somethings, say " Oh no sweetie, dd was playing with that - she is still a baby and will get upset. What can we find to play with instead"... or along those lines, and try and get other mum to back you up.

HumphreyCobbler · 20/11/2009 19:35

My ds is like your friend's ds, and if anyone comes round I spend my time giving back things he has taken and dealing with the massive melt down that invariably results. I have stopped asking people to come over as there is literally no point, all I do is cope with a screaming toddler. It is extremely wearing, and means that no fun is possible at all for the other child, the other mum or my ds (who gets terribly distressed too.

Do you think your friend has just given up and is hoping he will grow out of it?

larks35 · 20/11/2009 19:40

A friend of mine has a 3yo boy who sounds very similar, when they come here he is suddenly very interested in baby toys (my DS is 10m) and will try and take over all the stuff. My friend is good with her DS and does tell him, but I've found if I tell him he responds better (no tears/tantrum), I don't tell him off as such just explain that my DS is much younger and likes the softer, bigger toys etc.

What I'm trying to say is that if it comes from you there will probably be a better response as his mum is probably trying to avoid him having a tantrum.

diddl · 20/11/2009 19:40

Well if she won´t deal with it-you should.

It does also involve your child afterall!

lovechoc · 20/11/2009 19:44

I would suggest meeting at a playpark or a cafe, just somewhere neutral where this is less likely to happen.

If you do continue to visit your friend's house though there's not a great deal you can do except jokingly say 'come on now, let's all take turns - this is how we do it...'

I hope things work out a bit better next time.

Shineynewthings · 20/11/2009 19:56

Well sorry, but why can't she start teaching her DS some manners? He's 3 years old. Old enough to start grasping the idea that he can't have everything he wants?

Yes he will have screaming fits when he is forced to share at first, but with time he will learn, the fits will stop, and he won't die from the trauma or suffer terrible harm to his self-esteem. In any case it's better to learn this now than in nursery (if he goes there one day)

As it's a friend, suggest you try to meet up without the kids, or start intervening with 'that's not nice' 'but DD had this first, you can play with it in a minute' etc; If mum doesn't catch on then stick to seeing each other without kids.

notnowbernard · 20/11/2009 20:01

I think the thing is, with a child who is VERY bad at sharing/snatching, esp on home turf, you can find yourself going ON and ON for the entire meet-up

Which really isn't helping, and simply draws massive attention to the child, which IME, will make it all worse

I find that with my dd and my friend's dd, we tend to let them 'get on with it' a lot of the time and intervene when only really necessary, else we wouldn't actually spend ANY time talking at all!

Though I appreciate that's difficult (impossible?) with an older child and a much younger toddler

I still say go for neutral ground, or go for a nice evening pint sans children

notnowbernard · 20/11/2009 20:03

shineynewthings I feel it's not simply 'manners' at 3yrs old. It's a bit more complex than that

TreeTrunkThighs · 20/11/2009 20:03

My DD was also a delight at 19 months and wouldn't dream of snatching anything from anyone.

Fast forward 6 months and she would be a fair match for your friend's 3 year old. Snatching, screams of 'mine', tug-of-war...you get the picture.

Don't make any drastic changes to your arrangements - soon enough you'll be having to "tell off" your DD when she snatches things off your friend's DS, and even worse, smaller toddlers

thesecondcoming · 20/11/2009 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnowbernard · 20/11/2009 20:05

Been there, got the T-shirt

allaboutme · 20/11/2009 20:06

What happens if you meet at your house rather than hers? It may be that he's more territorial over his own things in his own house, which is pretty common I think.

Shineynewthings · 20/11/2009 20:22

Well maybe i'm being a bit harsh. Need to have a a cup of cocoa.

Guess you'll just have to wait this period out OP. In any case soon the toys your DD is interested in will bore him as he moves up to more sophisticated toys. Then it'll be your DD screaming for his things.

notnowbernard · 20/11/2009 20:26

Ooh, I do love a poster who can re-think their original opinion, Shiney. And on an AIBU thread as well!

Shall we have a big Love-In

Original poster

Itchyhead · 20/11/2009 20:31

Some really good answers and definately some things I can say in a nice way.

We can't meet at mine as we don't live near each other and she doesn't have access to a car, I do and it would mean several buses for her. Its a shame as I have no problem with being at mine instead as I also have all of DDs toys in the living room whereas my friends DS's toys are nearly all shut away in the bedroom so there is hardly anything to play with anyway.

I like the child free meet up idea!! We have done it and it was amazing to have conversation that wasn't interrupted. But she doesn't have anyone to look after her DS as she doesn't get on with her family.

We have also done the cafe thing (which I liked), which was great at first but as both our DCs have got bigger, they are not content to sit while we have a drink and a chat. There isn't anywhere here that caters for children where they can't run off, something I have heard sooo many mums complain about.

I think I'll have to try and say something nicely like Portofino said and try to get some child free meet ups. And yes TreeTrunk, I know I'm going to be in that position very soon!

Thesecondcoming, that is also slightly familiar when we go there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Itchyhead · 20/11/2009 20:33

Actually Shiney, I agreed with your first post!!! lol. Manners are something I am very hot on and have been since DD started talking (very good talker for her age) and people often comment on how polite she is.

OP posts:

alicet · 20/11/2009 20:42

I used to be in this situation. Ds1 was always a placid easy going boy and mostly better at sharing than others. Just his personality.

Often I would be too self concious to tell off other children. There was one girl in particular whose mum did nothing and I found this more infuriating actually than the childs behaviour which was probably just normal toddler. Yet I was content to tell off ds1 when HE didn't share. One day I just thought 'what sort of message am I giving ds1 here - that he matters less than friends dd!' That was enough to give me the balls to speak up to friends dd.

Didn't need to raise voice or get unpleasant - simply said calmly but firmly 'ds1 was playing with that please give it back to him' and she did! Agree with poster who said that they often respond better to someone else as there are no buttons to press there are there?!

I think speaking to his mum (unless she brings it up or reacts negatively to you saying these things to her ds) would be a big no no as she will invariably take it as a big criticism of her parenting. Just be firm with her ds and stick up for your dd.

He will probably grow out of it and like someone else said she might become more like this in the future so use this to be aware of how it feels when someone is like this to your dd to make sure if she islike this as she gets olde you respond appropriately!

loopylil · 20/11/2009 20:44

VERY COMMON WITH 3 YEAR OLDS JUST A PHAS EWILL LAST LESS THAN 6 MONTHS NOT WORTH JEOPARDISING FRIENDSHIP OVER, WILL TEACH YOUR KIDDIE GOOD LIFE SKILLS IN THE LONG RUN SORRY ITS IN CAPITALS ;-)

notnowbernard · 20/11/2009 20:50

Sorry, but feel I must add that I consider both my dds to be very polite with decent manners

Hasn't stopped them having mini-meltdowns, snatchy moments and territorial argy-bargy from time to time

After all, it's natural development, surely

Shineynewthings · 20/11/2009 20:52

yes notnowbernard lets have a love-in Icthyhead can join

minxofmancunia · 20/11/2009 20:55

your friends ds sounds like my 3 yr old ddand all her mates, esp. when they're on home turf.

I have to say me and the other mums take a similar approach to notnowbernards and try to leave them to sort it out between themselves and intervene only when neccessary, otherwise intervention is constant and only seems to exacerbate the situation.

I do agree with you your friend should be saying or doing something though if it happens everytime, especially as your dd is a lot younger in toddler world.

what myself and one of dds favourite friends mum have found is that it works a lot better if you take them somewhere neutral. They play brilliantly in the park, not just on the swings and slides but alot of make believe too, without the constant snatching and screeching of "miiiiiiiine!" (mum at boiling point emoticon).

Could this be a solution? It's a bit cold and windy at the mo but you could find a bench and take a flask of tea and some biscuits?

Flip

1 2