To not want to move to Nashville?

[Gangle]

DH has just got a job in Nashville, US, for 12 months starting in June. We have DS1, 19 months, and DS2 due at the end of March. DH is insisting we move to Nashville with him for at least 6 months from June - I would probably return to work in Jan 2011 so would need to return to London then leaving DH in NV for a further 5 months. For a variety of reasons, I am refusing to go out there for more than 3 possibly 4 months. First, my relationship with DH has always been volatile but has been particularly bad since I had DS. He is verbally abusive, selfish and bullying and for a long time I wanted to separate although in recent months his behaviour has improved slightly, possibly because he is trying to get me on side for this move. Secondly, is that we visited Nashville and (apologies if anyone is from there) it is an absolute hell hole of a town with seemingly very few parks/attractions for babies that we have in London - visited last week and just felt grey and lonely. If it was somewhere (ANYWHERE) else, like near the sea, or in the countryside or somewhere in Europe then I would be happpy to go for 6 months or even longer but just don't see why I should uproot myself and leave my entire support network to get to a hellhole of place with a husband who is essentially selfish and bullying. In addition, whilst this position is very good for DH's career, he has never had any regard for my career - he can't even help out in the smallest way with care for DS, leaves the entire burden on me whilst I also work full time in a demanding professional job. Makes me question why I should uproot myself when I know he wouldn't do the same for me. Am I being unreasonable??

Not unreasonable. You sound as if you don't want to be with him at all (and if your description is accurate, I don't blame you). The move to Nashville doesn't seem to be the issue really. I think you need to decide whether you want to stay with him at all before you decide whether to move.

You know what? YANBU, if you don't want to go for the whole 12 m, don't.

If you are already even half way struggling with him, being uprooted and buggering off halfway around the world, being isolated and knowing no-one and nowhere to go.... has disaster written all over it.

I went to DH country in 2006, full of hope and excitement.... well that didn't last. It was the single most awful experience of my life. Severe depression is a stroll in the park in comparison.

Let him go out there, pop over and see him every once in a while, he'll only be there for a year... you can go see him for a couple of weeks every 2-3 months, or spend a month over there every few months, it's up to you. You need your support network, even without abusive issues.

Trust your gut feeling... wishing you all the best.

hooray you've got yourself a freebie out of this relationship many women would be glad of that! stay here with the babies free from the stress let cowboy dan off to the states - its a win win situation, its not that complicated :-) good luck x

Don't go; even if it wasn't Nashville (yeuuugh) -- your DH sounds horrible and being alone together in a foreign country would be a disaster. You will need all the support you can get with pregnancy, childbirth and care of your toddler in the next year, and you won't get it in the US, and seemingly not from your H no matter where you are. What doesn't kill you might just make you seriously depressed.

You might like to treat this like an unofficial trial separation?

I was going to say, ah give it a go until you got to the bit about him being abusive.

Let him go. Be thankful for the 'natural break'.

I've been in an abusive relationship with a controlling man, and my family were only 200 miles away. At least I could ring my Mum and not worry about time differences.

Don't follow a man who treats you badly half way across the World. he's not worth it. It's not worth it.

You'll have your OWN opportunities to pursue.

Hmmm. How do you think you'll manage with two LOs on your own? Compared with how it would be out there I mean? If you wanted to go, I'm sure that there would be ways of finding out about child-related activities and of getting in touch with some other mums with young children.

If you think that you'll be OK/better in London though, I'd stick to your guns and stay here. It will at least give you some breathing space to decide whether you want to be with this man or not - you seem very unclear about that.

As an aside, I'm v disappointed that Nashville is a dump. It's in my top 5 places I want to visit at the moment (or it was...), but that's mostly because of the music scene. Will be interesting to see if anyone comes on to defend it

"What doesn't kill you might just make you seriously depressed."

very good quote!

I have heard that Nashville is a great city. I do hope so as DH might be posted there in a couple of years. Eek.

Normally I would say give it a go, but absolutely not for an abusive arse of a man. He is not worth giving up your friends and family for, even if his behaviour has changed in the past months.

Nashville is ok if you like country music. Otherwise it's as hot as hell in summer, and very humid to boot. It's just dreary in winter, lacks even snow to liven it up. Presumably you would be living in a rented place, possibly in the suburbs, where public transport is non-existent and some developments don't even have footpaths (they're built for cars). If your rental is closer to the city, you would not meet a lot of other young families.

Nashville is also very, very Southern. Which would not be my cup of tea. Southern means blonde ladies who lunch, and hairspray, and lots of tight little cliques, women who would frown at you if you wore a bikini...

midnightexpress fantastic place to visit if you are a country music fan but completely different to live in. Have been a few times as ex's family lived near and really didn't appeal as somewhere to live. Go for a week sometime, go to Memphis for Elvis etc and then get the hell outta there!

Nashville isn't actually the issue, though, is it? The issue is that you're very unhappy in your marriage. Forget the whole Nashville thing and think about where you want to be in 5 years' time.

Exactly, Hassled.

If he said he were moving to THE town/village/city that you had always wanted to live in, it would still be the same situation when your DH gets home in the evening.

I have moved several times with DH's work but it has always been a mutual decision, and there is enough love and respect in our marriage to make up for the hassle and upset.

The first couple of months of an international move are very very hard. If you are doing it half heartedly, and living with the fear that he will become abusive again, (which may happen if he is stressed with a new job and feels that he has won you over) then it will be very difficult indeed.

DO NOT MOVE TO THE SOUTH. We have been living in a different state in the South for a year and it has been hellish, so hellish that we are moving back to London at our own expense, losing quite a bit of money in the process.

There are no baby groups. Nobody goes to the playgrounds (if there are any) because it's too hot in the summer (seriously, too hot to go outside at all) and once it gets down to 60 degrees they think it's too cold. So you can take the kids there but you won't meet anyone. There might be a good library in your town but you will have to drive to it. Ditto the grocery store, no Ocado out here! For entertainment you can go to the mall. If you're lucky there will be a decent play area there. There are no SAHMs, everybody goes back to work when their babies are 6 weeks old. The food is crap, no good cheese, no good restaurants and everything is overprocessed. AND THERE IS NO DECENT TEA.

In defense of Nashville: We live in Ohio and go to Nashville every few months as our son and his family live there. They love it and we always like visiting. They live in a development with a community pool so go down the street to the pool every day in summer. They have sidewalks! Everyone drives, but that is usual wherever I have lived or visited in this beautiful country of ours. I've lived in Iowa, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, and Ohio and I've traveled in much of the country. Nashville has beautiful trees, like magnolias, and lovely parks. My grandson's class has only 20 students. My DIL did not go back to work when her children were six weeks old. She has no plans to anytime soon, boys are 3 and 5. She and my son and their boys travel frequently, they just got back from a trip to England and Scotland. DIL is not blonde with sprayed hair either!

We also live in a development with a pool

There are sidewalks

There are beautiful oak trees

There are lovely parks

The schools are (supposedly) good

It is still pretty awful. We have a massive gorgeous house in a beautiful development. Some days you go outside and it's like a nuclear bomb has gone off and you're the only ones left alive. Go to the playground at 10am on a gorgeous day: no one is there.

I'm american. I've lived in California, Illinois and New York and travelled a lot too. If you're used to city living the suburbs are a big shock to the system, DH has only lived in cities and he was appalled to find that you have to drive 5 miles to buy a pint of milk. Every time I want to go anywhere, I have to haul 2 kids and their gear in and out of the car and it is exhausting.

HansieMom, I'm glad you're happy with your living situation but the suburbs are not for everybody and if Gangle is already resisting going, no amount of swimming pools is really going to help.

Sounds like an opportunity to me for you to start a new life............the question is with him or on your own?

thank you everyone - this is incredibly helpful. Letsblowthis, when we visited week before last, that we honestly my first impression of the place - dreary and deserted with nothing going on for babies, not like here where there are great parks and endless baby groups. Food was also dreadful. I felt depressed after only 2 days there. I was hoping I was wrong but these posts have confirmed by worst fears, the issues with DP aside.

I have spent a good amount of time in Nashville, and you couldn't be more wrong about your description and experience. It is most definitely not a hell hole.

Where were you specifically? What did you do while you visited? What did you see?

What sort of things do you like to do where you live now? What do you consider 'quality of life'?

You sound very unhappy and angry with your dh - and anyone would be with a man who is volatile, verbally abusive, selfish and bullying. The fact that he has accepted a job on the other side of the world without consulting you - but expects you to support him in his choice - also isn't good.

Moving anywhere new is hard at first - even if it is somewhere exciting. Wherever you are, you will feel isolated until you've managed to build a life for yourself there. It will be virtually impossible to enjoy a new country/city with your mind already made up, and with only your dh to rely on.

Nashville isn't the problem. Your marriage is the problem - imo.

Don't go with him. You're already furious, you've already decided it is a hellhole. You're in a very negative frame of mind, and there is no way it will be a good experience for you.

Gangle, you sound like my kind of person. Where are you in London? If it's the southwest burbs that's where we'll be from January.

We had many glowing reports from residents of this area, past and present and there are a lot of people that love living here, just as I'm sure there are a lot of people that love Nashville. I don't have any problem with that but it's not the place for me or my family. I've become a terrible snob about it, but I want my kids to grow up in a place where we can walk to the gym and do baby yoga, where people go out when it rains, where they can get some milk that hasn't been pasteurized into oblivion (seriously, milk here lasts 10 days after opening. some even longer. it's crazy. and raw milk is illegal so you have to buy it in the dead of night from a guy in a parking lot. i'm not kidding.)

One of the most vocal couples on the charms of this place was a couple we met in the UK--he works with my DH and they lived there for 3 years and couldn't wait to move back to the US, specifically here. They were all about why it's so great, she had a huge blog post about it, blah blah blah. Guess what? They stayed 9 months and then he finagled a secondment to Belgium and this time they've sold their house.

It got so bad here for us that I at one point considered just taking the girls and moving to my brother's place up north. DH and I have a strong relationship and he is wonderful but it has just been too much. It was at that point that we decided to leave.

Letsblow, we're in Crouch End, north London - where will you be? We do sound very similar! I am totally into baby yoga and all the other groups, being able to walk somewhere which has a great high st with a fab bakery, coffee shop and a Boots (another petty hate that in the US they don't have good chemists!). I know myself well enough to know that I would be depressed living somewhere which didn't have all that on offer, plus great shopping, parks and an amazing support network. Poor you, sounds like you had a terrible time there. What does you DH do??

if you do go, you will find plenty of like-minded people in Nashville - don't write it off so fast. There will be yoga, mum groups, cool cafes, and everything else.
what really matters is your attitude, if you're convinced you'll hate it, you'll never get to the good bits.

HansieMom, if you've experienced the joys of living elsewhere (specifically Europe) with small children, the American dream can take a lot of getting used to.

Again, folks, it's not the attractions of Nashville that really concern the OP. It's what would Nashville (or even Manhattan) be like with her particular DH to deal with that she worries about.

I think that moving with very small children to a place that you don't know, where you have no connections, would be incredibly hard in most circumstances. The only way that sort of move works is where you have a totally solid relationship and you both are really up for it. As you have an unsupportive husband (even if he was not a bully) I think that you would be really unwise to make the move.

dh and I moved to New York last year, and then on to Canada when that didn't work out, and I really don't think that most of North America, barring some parts of some cities (New York, San Fransisco, Chicago maybe) would give you anything like your London life. That's not to say that there is noting to offer here, but it isn't at all what you'd get in London.

Put it this way, my sister has just moved from Stoke Newington to Melbourne, a city which many people think is fabulous. But she really really misses London, where she had friends in walking distance, a job she enjoyed, knew everything that was going on, where to go etc (prob very similar to the OP) lots of similarly minded people around, and probably where would have been happy to live the rest of her life. She is the most positive minded person I know, but it's clearly a huge wrench (and as her dh is from Melbourne they have connected to friends and family).

My view as an "ex-pat" is t hat you have to have a really strong "pull"to where you are going, whether that's because it offers something that your current location doesn't, or because you are up for an adventure. Otherwise most likely you will not be happy.

To some extent I think that the OP needs to ask herself whether she is going to say good bye to her marriage now, or sometime next year, or whether she is prepared to be totally miserable to keep it going. Because you never know Nashville might be really fun, but chances are that it might be a very miserable experience.

To be an expat anywhere you need a very strong marriage. When you move your husband become pretty much the only adult you have to talk to for the immediate future until you make new connections. Obviously there is skype/telephones/e-mails etc, however the time delay will mean that just when you want to talk to your girl friends they are putting their kids to bed. When they are ready to chat you are asleep. If your marriage is not strong, do not do it.