To not want to move to Nashville?

[Gangle]

DH has just got a job in Nashville, US, for 12 months starting in June. We have DS1, 19 months, and DS2 due at the end of March. DH is insisting we move to Nashville with him for at least 6 months from June - I would probably return to work in Jan 2011 so would need to return to London then leaving DH in NV for a further 5 months. For a variety of reasons, I am refusing to go out there for more than 3 possibly 4 months. First, my relationship with DH has always been volatile but has been particularly bad since I had DS. He is verbally abusive, selfish and bullying and for a long time I wanted to separate although in recent months his behaviour has improved slightly, possibly because he is trying to get me on side for this move. Secondly, is that we visited Nashville and (apologies if anyone is from there) it is an absolute hell hole of a town with seemingly very few parks/attractions for babies that we have in London - visited last week and just felt grey and lonely. If it was somewhere (ANYWHERE) else, like near the sea, or in the countryside or somewhere in Europe then I would be happpy to go for 6 months or even longer but just don't see why I should uproot myself and leave my entire support network to get to a hellhole of place with a husband who is essentially selfish and bullying. In addition, whilst this position is very good for DH's career, he has never had any regard for my career - he can't even help out in the smallest way with care for DS, leaves the entire burden on me whilst I also work full time in a demanding professional job. Makes me question why I should uproot myself when I know he wouldn't do the same for me. Am I being unreasonable??

I moved to Oregon last year when my dc were 3.3 and 8 months. I love where I live and made a few friends quite quickly (especially as a couple of them were transferred at the same time) but I do really miss home. I'm very lucky in that my marriage is strong and I would never have considered coming 6000 miles away from family and friends without that. I can't advise you on Nashville OP, but I would say that you need to be happy with your dh for this kind of move to have any chance of success.

LOL at the idea that London offers better family life than most parts of N. America.

Thanks all. What does everyone think at the idea of going out for say 3 months? It's as much as I think I can handle without going crazy or becoming completely depressed. I wouldn't want the children to not see their father for a long period but at the same time he could try to work out an arrangement whereby he could come back for a long weekend every month to see them - a lot of travelling for him but still probably easier than all of us moving out there. Goonnightmum, noone is really commenting on family life, more just as to what's going on in terms of activities for mums with young babies and, love or hate London, you have to admit there is loads on offer. London is far from perfect but having visited NY I realised in fact just how amazingly baby friendly London is. Parks everywhere, buses you can wheel your buggy on without folding it - in NY you have to take the baby out and fold the buggy plus none of the subways are accessible if you have wheels (I really take for granted not having to fold the buggy!), almost all restaurants are child friendly and have high chairs. Our hotel was listed as a top 10 NY hotel for babies but they looked at us as if we were insane when we asked for a highchair. Just a very different mentality.

Gangle,

I would say its not the potential move to Nashville that is the problem so much as the state of your marriage.

I would ask you what, if anything, you are getting out of your relationship with him now?. Why are you with him if he is treating you so badly?. What keeps you with him (the children?). Better to be apart and happier than to be badly accompanied.

Being with a H that is selfish and bullying will ultimately do you and the children no favours at all. Your self esteem will be further whittled away by him.

Your children learn from both of you about relationships - what are you both teaching them here?.

If you had a good relationship with DH then I would say grab it with both hands and try something new.

However, international moves (whether permanent or otherwise) are very stressful and you need to be able to trust and look after each other.

So YANBU.