Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confiscate my 17yr old son's laptop and mobile phone?

35 replies

ocr711 · 20/11/2009 12:41

Hi, newish here but need some help.
After being given lots of help and support with getting himself organised for A levels etc. We foind out that he's not upstairs working, but connected the wireless modem on our computer and has been sat on facebook etc for hours, after I expressly said I didn't want the wireless using! (For fear of this sort of thing!)
Yesterday was a day off college, he was supposed to be doing physics coursework. Apparently his computer didn't save it!!!!
Transpires he'd been lazing around and texting a girl for over 3 hours, and goodness knows whatever else.
Getting so frustrated, he's been offered places at good Uni's but has gone into a major slump. Feel he's not mature enough to cope with independant living yet.
Anyone any ideas?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 20/11/2009 12:47

Don't just take it away.
He is getting older now and needs to start managing these things independently BUT you don't want him to learn the harsh lesson by screwing up his A levels and uni place.

I would have a chat with him. Explain your concerns, ask how you can help.
It does help if we admit to our kids that we all have problems focussing on tasks when it is so easy to access friendships etc via the computer. Talk to him about the fact that it is a skill and he will have to learn it.
Talk about what helps and what doesn't.
With my DS1 we agreed, during exactly this kind of chat, that his phone is just too tempting when he is trying to work so he worked out that it is better to leave his phone in a different room while he is working.

If the talk does not help then, at that stage I would start taking phones etc away during study time.

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 20/11/2009 12:48

Turn off the wireless/unplug it. That'll stop him

pagwatch · 20/11/2009 12:49

have to say too that DS1 worked his arse off for his GCSEs and had that goal so clearly in his head that it is not surprising really that it is hard to re-focus.
Two years of GCSEs finished and it seems such a short time and suddenly they are straight back into 'these A levels are so important....' I think a lot of them have to change gear IYSWIM

busybutterfly · 20/11/2009 12:50

YANBU I would absolutely remove it immediately. I think there is too much temptation to check the networking sites so I'd give him 24 hours without computer or phone. He has to learn to do this stuff at other times from coursework.

Good luck

ineedalifelaundry · 20/11/2009 12:54

Take his phone and turn off the wireless modem. He needs his laptop to work on.

Original poster
ocr711 · 20/11/2009 12:58

We've been "talking" and being reasonable for over a week now since parents evening. Yesterday was the first day we weren't controlling the work effort etc and he blew it completely. Now realise just how devious & deceitful he's become. It's all spilling out from various sources.
DH has been so calm and reasonable (not like him normally, think he remembers being that age) but I'm ready to explode.
Also contemplating ringing the mother of said texting girl in question to warn her that daughter is posting topless piccys online for son to see. No wonder he's distracted! But as said mother supplied copious amounts of alcohol at her daughters 17th bday party and my son got very drunk for 1st time I'd have to try very hard to stay calm!
Oooh, I'm in a right tizz at the moment.

OP posts:
PartOfTheHumphreysGroup · 20/11/2009 12:58

yanbu but as ineed says, he'll need his laptop. Get rid of the wireless until he proves himself. My in-laws should have done something similar with bil but were too scared to in case he ran off or something and he ended up with no qualifications and no job.

VinegarTits · 20/11/2009 12:58

YABU by confiscating his belongings you are treating him like a child, he is not a child anymore and is legally allowed to make his own choices in life now whether you like it or not

I would sit down and have a talk to him like an adult and find out the route cause of his slump, he may be stuck in a rut and not know which direction he wants to take his life, talk to him, find out what he wants and support him

Dont treat him like a 6 yr, who is having his toys taken away from him

Fruitysunshine · 20/11/2009 13:05

My son is 17 and we treat him like an adult now because he is a young adult. We cannot physically stop him doing anything even if we wanted to. He is still learning about certain boundaries but all we can do is emphasise and re-assert our position within our home and hope that he learns from that.

At 17 I was away at college and supporting myself. I cannot imagine my parents confiscating items from me at that age - it would seem inappropriate really.

claw3 · 20/11/2009 13:06

Difficult age, not quite adult, but definitely not a child.

I have a 16 year old, he is currently doing GCSE's and would quite easily get side tracked, chatting on mobile, FB etc, etc.

I have told him i realise how easy it is to get side tracked ie what you intend to be a 5 minute conversation on the mobile, turns into an hour. He switches his mobile off during study time and so is wireless.

I think confiscating things at 17 is a bit much. Kind of give him a choice, but limit the choices iyswim. Do you want to turn your mobile off or shall i put it in the kitchen for you so you dont get disturbed.

Ivykaty44 · 20/11/2009 13:13

oh dear this girl is really leading your ds by the nose - it is all this girls fault...

It really is how you sound - sorry

Your ds is responsible for his own actions, he doesn't have to look at topless girls that is his choice, he can work if if wants.

leave him till february and see how he does in his exams then.

Leave him to make his own mistakes and if he does badly in Jan then it willbe his own rude awakening and he will either buck his ideas up for the summer or want to take a different path.

Back off and let him be a young adult, if you have brought him up ok he will faulter and be ok

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/11/2009 13:13

Blimey, I don't know what to say about confiscating stuff, but am very surprised at the topless pictures of a girl. I think I'd be very concerned about that.

Original poster
ocr711 · 20/11/2009 13:14

Thanks, lots to think about.
However he works well when we are here, a bit like a rat cornered in a trap.lol
It's the independant time he fritters away, like a whole day yesterday, absolutely nothing done then lie's to wriggle his way out of it.
Since found out he's been bragging to a youngish family member about how he's outsmarted us on the wireless thing. He's a very immature 17 (but is one of the youngest in the yeargroup as well.) We seem to have exhausted all reasonable parent avenues at the moment, unless he stops lying to us constantly, not sure what else we can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ocr711 · 20/11/2009 13:16

This girl has been a worry to me for a while, thought she'd gone from his life but seems to be back again with a vengance! Not sure what kind of guidance she gets at home, but the alcohol fuelled 17th party didn't inspire me much.

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 20/11/2009 13:17

why would you get into this sort of power struggle with a young adult in the first place? you can advise and remind and perhaps support him with creating revision plans but how is it helpful to infantilise him by telling him what to do or else?

don't see how this sort of thing is helpful at any age really, although have probably done it at times with the eldest guinea pig

Miggsie · 20/11/2009 13:18

Get IP blocking software and install it on his laptop.

That way he won't be able to access sites.

It's called "parental control software".

He may be 17, but he is not a grown up.

Fruitysunshine · 20/11/2009 13:18

Why is anyone concerned about a 17yr old lad looking at topless pics of girls/women?

It is perfectly natural. I have lost count of the amount of nuts magazines I have come across of my sons'!

Ivykaty44 · 20/11/2009 13:19

sounds like he is rebelling.....take away the notions of rebelling

claw3 · 20/11/2009 13:19

Missed the bit about the topless girl, must have x posted!

Well he is 17 and thinks with his penis at the moment. Just needs a bit of guidance and pushing in the right direction.

BecauseImWorthIt · 20/11/2009 13:22

We're having some issues that sound a little similar with DS1. Turns out he's actually very nervous about going to university.

Maybe a chat with him about what he wants to do as opposed to what he feels is expected of him could be a good idea?

VinegarTits · 20/11/2009 13:25

My ds1 got interested in a girl at this age, when he wa doing his A levels too. There isnt a lot you can do, apart from pointing out the obvious

i.e telling him if he flunks his A levels he loses his place at Uni and that will set him back to square one

Also make him aware that you wont be allowing him to live rent free under your roof forever

So he has a choice, FB and topless pictures of girls, or A levels, Uni and a chance to start earning some money of his own

He will go away and think about it and soon start realising that FB and girls wont pay his way in life

Original poster
ocr711 · 20/11/2009 13:28

Fruitysunshine, quite concerned for the girl in question as well actually. DD1 is 15 and if she was doing this kind of thing in 2-3 years time I'd be mighty concerned. Who knows who else could get access to these pictures.
But mostly concerned for my son, already flunked his AS levels, and really has to pull his socks up to get into the Uni's he wants to.
He says he still really wants to go and still wants to do same course etc, but I feel a year out may help him mature slightly, also he may well need to resit as at the moment he's not even on target for the minimum 3 B's he needs. the college are very concerned by his lack of effort or enthusiasm at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ocr711 · 20/11/2009 13:30

Thanks VinegarTits, will probs have this kind of conversation again tonight, but it will be me talking, not DH going all soft!

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 20/11/2009 13:32

You may be right about him not being mature enough for Uni just yet, and it is very hard to stay focused at this age

Maybe suggest a year out on the condition that he gets himself a job and starts to pay his way

Ivykaty44 · 20/11/2009 13:34

Does he say why he is not enthused with the work? On the one hand he isn't bothered and on the other he wants uni and three more years there to study?

When he says he wants to go to uni, Why does he want to go?

Is it because it is what is expected of him and he can only get a good job i he has a degree?

Would it be worthwhile looking at alternatives - other courses for two years where he can have a certificate at the end and go get a job, and also have points which count to uni place (rather than A levels)

Is he hiding upstairs and distracting himself due to him being swamped with it all and as he is immature doesn't know how to say look mum,dad this isn't for me?