to confiscate my 17yr old son's laptop and mobile phone?

[ocr711]

Hi, newish here but need some help.
After being given lots of help and support with getting himself organised for A levels etc. We foind out that he's not upstairs working, but connected the wireless modem on our computer and has been sat on facebook etc for hours, after I expressly said I didn't want the wireless using! (For fear of this sort of thing!)
Yesterday was a day off college, he was supposed to be doing physics coursework. Apparently his computer didn't save it!!!!
Transpires he'd been lazing around and texting a girl for over 3 hours, and goodness knows whatever else.
Getting so frustrated, he's been offered places at good Uni's but has gone into a major slump. Feel he's not mature enough to cope with independant living yet.
Anyone any ideas?

ocr711 - gotcha.

My ds1 flunked his A levels too, and went back to re-sit them claiming he did want to go to Uni, and would try harder, but again he just could not focus on his work, he finally admitted that he didn't want to go to Uni and was only doing it to please me

I said i would support him in what ever he wanted to do, he said he wanted to do an apprenticeship, so he enrolled on a course that was designed to get him a start in Engineering and the college would put him forward for apprenticeships at the end of the course

He is 20 now and doing a brilliant apprenticeship with the NHS and he loves it, he is earning money and has bought his own car and is saving up for his own place. I was disappointed that he didnt choose Uni but at the end of the day he is old enough to make his own decisions, and he is happy

OP - can you disconnect the wireless but say nothing about it? Stop nagging, just leave him to it. If he fails he can re-sit and it might be the making of him.

Message withdrawn

Certainly you could turn wireless off, and add a cable (if necessary, move the router to the lounge so he can use his laptop via the cable).

If he's not using the cable, but still "busy" on laptop, then he could legitimately be writing / studying things already downloaded, or he could have hacked into a neighbour's wireless router (even if he's not that techie, no doubt a friend will show him how).

Think you are fine about confiscation for a day or two, to show him you're serious that simply lolling about all day is not going to help him much. As someone else suggests, though, "Maybe a chat with him about what he wants to do as opposed to what he feels is expected of him could be a good idea?"

If Uni isn't his real goal, then see what is in his "desired" future.

FWIW, I never took 'A' levels.

I left school at 16 as I was planning to be a Merchant Navy radio officer, earning a small fortune and getting umpteen months leave each year (*)... That was the plan, then in the mid-70s the supertankers came on the scene, and oil firms had far too many staff, as they scrapped the small tankers, so the chance of 6 months probation on oil tankers or cruise liners became almost impossible with an excess of qualified crew... Luckily while doing radio course, had also done some computer programming and in computing, I got a degree equivalent, thanks to working in education and having my study paid for...

30 years on, not touched radar or ships' radio at all, and do I regret missing 'A' levels or university... a bit, but not much as I've been pretty happy with IT for all that time!

(*) my old head was a statistics gatherer, so I wanted to send him postcards from around the world to "get up his nose" about the "one that left with just O levels" !

I know for me I didn't get on with homework till my parents backed off and I could do things under my own steam. But then I was always a contrary child (and apparently now a contrary adult) who struggles to do anything once I've been told I have to, even if I wanted to do it in the first place

I dropped out of A levels, but have since taught myself web coding from scratch, it's weird the way things work out.

Thanks everyone. To be honest, since parents eve about two weeks ago DH has been helping him to get himself more organised. Plans to help catch up, setting himself weekly and daily targets, the pleasure in crossing a job of a list when it's fully completed. He'd been doing well and seemed happy with it, but one day on his own and back to being lazy.
He's always had a lazy streak but is naturally intelligent, was enough to get a good set of A's & A*'s at GCSE level, but now he needs to put the effort in. AS results really shocked him, but obviously not enought for him to go back in September and pull his finger out.
Anyone got any rockets left over from fireworks night, think I know where to put it!
I think it's the blatant lying and laughing about getting one over on mum & dad thats really got to me. Respect is a two way thing!
Will see what happens tonight.

Well, he came home from college in a much more postive frame of mind, so was hard to give him a complete roasting.
His laptop stays downstairs for now, and his phone must be switched off when working.
Think we will just have to monitor the situation for now, but he knows we are still really peeved by the deceit more than anything.
He knows he has to earn back the trust and respect, so watch this space.
Thanks for all your help, I was able to act in a more calm & reasonable manner after reading all your replies.

Good luck to your son and hope he finds the motivation to achieve what he really wants.

I don't think it's a good idea to approach parents of girl involved.. My mother did something similar to me when I was around 16/17, horribly humiliating and invoked the rebel in me!

btw.. I didn't post boob pics of myself online though!

There is no harm in him taking another year before going to uni, so if he fails and has to repeat the year again it's not a problem. It would give him the wake up call he needs and the extra year at home before uni. My ex had to repeat his A levels and now has a very highly paid job (he was young in the year group) the extra year did him good. Talk to him to be supportive but do not come down heavy or be too disapproving re the girl. 17 is a tricky age they are moving into adulhood but are not quite there with the responsible thinking. What he is doing with the girl is all perfectly natural for that age and you want to be very carefull not to give him a complex about it. My ex's parents baned him from seeing me thinking it was my fault (I passed my A levels first time ) but that just drove it under ground, we were together 7 1/2 years, they only new about 4 years of it and when it wa over he went straight from me to some one 11 years old than him. On the other side we went through this with our 17 year old foster daughter a couple of weeks ago, and by being relaxed and letting it slide (she spent an entire day laying on her bed with him instead of doing any work or her chores) then subtly talking in the evening while watching tv, she ended up dumping him a week later saying he was too full on. She had obviously listened and let the messages sink in, in her own time. They have to find there own way at this age and battling drives them away. Good luck.